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How to Move On and Get Over a Break Up


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two roses and rings symbolizing moving on after a break up

Wondering how to move on and get over a break up? It is never really easy, especially when a significant relationship or a marriage ends.

Learning how to move on and get over a break up with someone you’ve always loved all your life, is the most challenging part.

It is difficult to accept the fact that the relationship has ended, and healing a broken heart is more challenging than we may imagine.

No one really wants to go through breakups, no matter whether they are amicable or rough. Any such loss brings about heartache, pain, and suffering to both sides.

I have a few friends and family members who have now learnt how to move on and get over a break up. I have learnt a great deal from their experiences and thought about sharing it with all of you as well.

A breakup is painful as it represents the loss of the shared dreams, relationship, and commitments made to one another. We experience profound grief, stress, and disappointment when relationships fail.

Whether or not you wanted the relationship to end, or whatever the reason- the breakup of a long-term, committed relationship can trigger all kinds of unsettling and painful feelings, and turn your world upside down.

“Every relationship will end someday, whether by break-up or by the death of one partner. Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live, and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely a part of life.” ~ Tom Stine

Sadly, this is the harsh reality of life that each one of us has to undergo some day or the other.

But there are things you can do to get over a break up and learn how to move on in life. Amidst the stress and sadness of a breakup or divorce, you have the opportunity to learn so many things from your past experiences and grow into a much wiser and stronger person.

How to Move On

You need to learn how to move on and get over a break up, once a relationship ends. And remember, it’s understandable to feel emotionally low after a breakup. You are moving ahead in life without the person that you deeply cared for.

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” ~ Helen Keller

1- Reason out your decision

Once you have taken the decision to get over a break up and move ahead with your life, go ahead and think over it, considering all the reasons why you broke up.

Reason with yourself and your decision, and think about the reasons your relationship ended. This can make it much easier and clearer to you that if either side is unhappy in a relationship, there is no reason to carry on living with the person.

2- Never rethink

Once you want to get over a break up, don’t rethink about the decision you have taken. Some people tend to get influenced by all the good times they had with their partners, which may even lead them to forget the reasons for breaking off.

Sometimes it could happen that you might tend to think that perhaps the bad times weren’t all that bad, or that you could live with them, or you would just wonder how your ex would feel and then you may not want the breakup.

Avoid letting such thoughts enter your mind, and accept the situation by trying to get over the breakup and learning how to move on.

Face the reality instead of making attempts to cover the unavoidable breakup with false hopes or unhelpful concerns.

3- Maintain your distance

Some couples prefer remaining friends even after a breakup, but you need to break away completely from one another to get over a break up, particularly if you still wish to maintain a single status.

This might sound a bit harsh but it means no phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails, not seeing each other, not meeting his or her family members, no chats, no Facebook- nothing at all.

If you want to get over a break up and are thinking how to move on in life, you need to refrain from going back to the person you have now decided to move away from- even if they convince you to see them.

It’s tough to let go again if you get caught up in the moment while trying to relive the past by seeing your ex.

So, you need to try limiting your contact with your ex to what’s absolutely necessary, and keep all such meetings or calls- civil and short.

4- Accept the reality and cope with it

It’s not difficult if you want to know how to move on and get over a break up, provided you’re ready to let go of the pent up feelings and anger by learning to accept things.

There may be anger, resentment, hatred, and pain that you feel towards your ex. You may even realize that the split was inevitable.

There may be anger you feel towards yourself or the way you have dealt with things. But if you want to get over a break up, and are wondering how to move on, you need to get over such pent up feelings fast.

If you think you made some mistakes and are ready to accept them, then you need to take them as learning lessons of life and pledge never to repeat them.

Try keeping yourself engaged and doing positive things with your feelings, emotions, and energy, as it’s a waste of time to cry over something that you no longer have control over.

5- List out your feelings

Try writing down your feelings and emotions if you want to get over a break up, as this in a way teaches you how to move on in life by knowing yourself better.

When you are honest with yourself and pen down your innermost feelings, the patterns may get clearer, your grieving may lessen, and you may learn the valuable lessons of life from the writing experience.

You could even list out reminders of all the reasons as to why your ex was not the one for you, by being clear and ruthless.

Pen down your feelings about what happened, how it made you feel, what you learned from the experience, and being clear about things you never want to feel again.

You can get over a break up by learning that no relationship is ever a failure, if you manage to gain and learn something valuable out of it. It evolves you into a better person.

6- Talk to your family, friends, and support groups

It’s normal to have many ups and downs accompanied with feelings of anger, resentment, conflict, sadness, fear, relief, and confusion. You should not suppress or ignore such feelings, as they only extend the grieving process.

Talking to your friends, family, and other support groups is the best way to feel good about yourself, if you are wondering how to move on and get over a break up.

Make new friends, get outside help if needed, and spend time with people who support, encourage, value, and energize you to get over a break up.

Such family and friends support you with love, care, and compassion. They see you as a worthwhile person, and you will find it easier to get over a breakup and rise on your feet once again.

7- Remove painful memories

If you truly wonder how to move on and get over a break up, you need to remove things that remind you of your ex from your memory, like a favorite song, smell, sound, or a place.

To get over a break up, you need to stop yourself from dwelling on painful memories and feelings, and try removing things around the house that cause you heartache.

Initially, even if you do have some good and pleasant memories, keep them away for later when you have given yourself some space and time, as this will help you to get over a break up.

8- Find your happiness

To get over a break up is never easy, but it also signifies a new beginning. So, organize and clean your personal space so that you are refreshed and prepared for new things in your life.

If you are wondering how to move on in life, you need to reach out and find your own happiness by removing the bitter past experiences.

It could be by spending time with your family and friends, reading a book, listening to music, or doing things you always wanted to do. Indulge in personal pleasures and enjoy being single!

Learn to love yourself that will bring you emotional stability and personal happiness. Note the valuable lessons learnt in life and capture the beauty of the time shared together. Know that you are a better person because you have experienced love and learnt from it.

9- Remain active

Exercise is a great way to stay active and get over a break up, as it alleviates depression, improves your mood, and keeps your mind off painful thoughts.

If you are wondering how to move on in life, try joining or visiting a gym, run or walk outdoors, maybe with a family member or friend, and try releasing the sadness or anger with every step.

To get over a break up, try things like punching a pillow, screaming out aloud, and meditating as they also help you release your tension and energy.

You could even try things like painting, singing, dancing, or cooking to get over a break up. Anything that makes you happy and forget about your ex will work wonders for you.

10- Let go

The most important way to get over a break up and move on in life is to let go, and allow the healing process to begin quickly.

You need to realize that there is no benefit in holding onto negative emotions, heartache, hatred, regret, and ill feelings towards each other.

It’s is not tough if you wonder how to move on and get over a break up, once you learn to forgive a person who caused you the pain. Once you forgive a person, you tend to forget the pain and suffering caused by them in due course of time.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” ~ Hermann Hesse

Be brave enough to take risks, and remind yourself that even though love didn’t work out this time for you, there will always be a next time.

It’s not easy to know the way about how to move on and get over a break up, as getting over a break up takes time and there can be some really dull and dark days after a relationship ends. But there are people who care about you, so reach out to them.

So, learn to let go of the past and let bygones be bygones. Take life in your stride, start afresh, and very soon there will be better days.

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.” ~ Virginia Satir

Have you or your known ones undergone a break up? Did you or they know how to move on and get over a break up? If you or someone you know have experienced a break up, do share your or their experiences in the comments below.

Photo Credit: 123rf

 


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Avatar of Harleena Singh

About Harleena Singh

Harleena Singh is a positive thinker and a freelance writer. She loves to write inspiring and thought provoking posts on self-improvement, family, relationships, health, and other aspects of life. She's not another personal development guru, but just an average person with great life experiences. She's also a blogger, who loves to share her blogging knowledge and experiences. Network with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+..

53 Comments

  1. Morris

    February 17, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    I discovered you on Adrienne’s site.

    Your second suggestion seems to go against the grain of many experts. But you do need to move on.

    Enjoyed to post. Be well.
    All by best,

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

      Welcome to the blog Morris!

      I surely do need to thank Adrienne for your visit here :)

      Yes, you are right in your own way about the second point of never rethinking. However, if you would sit and keep thinking about what happened, or what could have happened, you can never move on with life. And you life may just remain or end as a tis, which is not something anyone would want.

      I guess it’s best to let bygones be bygones, learn lessons from your experiences, and move on to a better and brighter future.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  2. Vidya Sury

    February 17, 2012 at 9:24 pm

    Good tips, Harleena. (I can’t help but smile that this comes so soon after Valentine’s Day :-))

    I think the problems with breaking up manifest themselves when people do not break up properly – as in lack of closure. Both sides think they’re the victim – and do not communicate enough. So the situation is this: breaking off without saying everything they meant to express. As a result, there’s bitterness, resentment and all those other negative feelings. Time does heal….but it takes a little longer than it should.

    These tips would definitely help. :-) It is important to believe that “when one door closes, another opens”.

    A friend’s romance recently broke up because one was too possessive and the other could not stand it. Consequently, both are hurt and mad at each other and flinging accusations. Ideally when they’ve broken up anyway, they should move on, if possible amicably, right? Unfortunately, reality is different. :-)

    Thanks for the great post!

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 17, 2012 at 11:01 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Vidya!

      I too gave it a thought whether I should put it up soon after Valentine’s, but then went ahead with it as this is something that I have been hearing so much about from family and friends. Guess it’s also a part of life that most of us have to undergo.

      You are right there, though break ups rarely occur if one side is quieter than the other and would abide by what their partners say. It is very rare that you come across an amicable breakup, especially where the couple had been much in love. However, it would be best if parting ways was something that is done in a mature manner, without any bitterness, resentment, or hatred.

      Time is indeed a great healer, and this is the only thing that really helps you get over the past memories.

      Sorry to hear about your friend, guess sometimes two people are just not made for one another. In such cases, its best to move on with your life and with time, get over your past.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post :)

  3. Praveen Rajarao

    February 18, 2012 at 12:12 am

    Awesome writing Harleena!

    I really liked the quote by Helen, I am sure everyone would agree that we spend a lot of time repenting than relishing.

    However, am very lucky indeed not to undergo breakups in life and will always hold on to my love no matter what.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 1:16 pm

      Glad you liked the post Praveen!

      Yes indeed, the quote is wonderful and I like it as well- I guess it conveys a lot :)
      We do consider ourselves lucky for not having undergone any kind of breakups, though my heart goes out to those who have to undergo a great deal.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  4. Steve Rice

    February 18, 2012 at 2:02 am

    You are right! This is one of the most difficult situations to face in life, but you’re equally right that the ending of a relaitonship is part of life.

    I recently had a reader ask this very question about getting over a relationship. I think I’m going to be doing a series of posts on this subject and I’m going to do some podcast episodes about this as well.

    Many of your tips I had not thought of but I like how you listed them out so they’re practical for someone in this situation.

    I think one of the most powerful ones you state is the necessity of limiting contact with the ex. It’s so hard to do…especially when we’re hoping things will change or hoping that htey could have been different. But it is a very necessary step of moving on!

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Steve!

      Breakups are never easy on anyone, and if given a choice, no one would want to go through one. Yet, sooner or later all of us would have to undergo this harsh reality of life, whether in the form of breakups, separation, divorce, or the loss of one partner due to death etc.

      Would look forward to your post and podcasts episodes on this very topic to know more about your version :)

      Most of these tips are related to what I have observed some of my family and friends face- who have undergone similar situations, and I know for sure (as I see them today)- that they are much happier and content than they were earlier. I guess if you find yourself stifled in a relationship- it holds no meaning to carry on in one.

      Yes, you are right about limiting the contact with our ex- but then there is no other way. We all do hope and pray that things will get better, but that is the phase before you really think of a breakup.

      On one hand you do want to break off, and on the other hand you want to keep the connections with your ex going on also- then how do you move on in life?

      I guess once you have made up your mind that you cannot live any longer with your partner- you have to cut off in all possible ways, so that you can move ahead in your life.

      Thanks for stopping-by and adding more value to the post. :)

  5. Hajra

    February 18, 2012 at 3:34 am

    I have dealt with so many break ups (as a part of the job) but I still feel there is a lot to be said. But yes, the most important thing is not blaming yourself and coming to terms with it. People normally enter into this mode of self evaluation which might be good considering your part of the mistakes in the relationship. But there has to be a difference between evaluation and being too harsh on oneself.

    Also, coming to terms to life after a break up can be a little upsetting. Given the circumstances, one os bound to feel lonely and a little out of place, but the key is to hold strong and move on.

    Time is a great healer; but you just have to try your best.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 3:03 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Hajra!

      Sorry to hear about your breakups, though I am not sure what you meant by – as a part of the job..does it mean you broke up at your work place or your job was such etc?

      Yes indeed, it makes no sense blaming yourself or even your ex for the breakup. If once both of you have decided that things aren’t really working between you, it’s best to call it quits and come to terms with it.

      The stage of self evaluation normally comes when you sense that something is not working right in your relationship, and that is the time you try to make amends or try to check yourself. But the stage of breakup is when you have tried everything and nothing seems to work, and that time it makes no sense trying to self-evaluate yourself, or try to go back or make amends. You would be only fooling yourself I guess, as that stage is far left behind.

      Yes, you are right about holding strong and moving on after a break up. There is truly no other way to a better and brighter future. Things are always tough whenever we do leave our comfort zones and tread a new path, but after a while everything falls beautifully into place.

      Time is indeed the biggest healer, and if you give it your best, there’s nothing stopping you to take the big step and reach for the stars :)

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

      • Hajra

        February 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm

        I am a psychologist, I deal with patients with relationship issues! I wasn’t talking about me personally!

        There are just so many dynamics that has to be understood about a break up that it makes things tougher than we think it is!

        • Avatar of Harleena Singh

          Harleena Singh

          February 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm

          Oh yes! How could I forget! Guess you are so much among us like another blogger, I almost forgot

          Yes indeed, people who undergo breakups are the real people who undergo the pain and heartache due to various reasons, which we sitting at the other end can’t really judge.

  6. Deeone Higgs

    February 18, 2012 at 3:38 am

    You know I always enjoy the quotes you provide with you post, Harleena! These are simply wonderful!

    I’ve had my share of break ups, and some of them crushed and took months to get over. Then there were others that simply ran their course and it was time to bring closure to the relationship. It’s never easy though. Unless it was so bad that it just was time to end it.

    I loved the tips you provided though. My favorites out of the 10 and the ones I find to be most important when coping with a break up, would be #8 and #10.

    We must find our own inner happiness and not put it all in another individual. In my current relationship, this has been the first that I entered into one where I was completely happy with myself first, and I only wanted to share that happiness with someone. That has helped tremendously. I didn’t base my happiness on them. It’s also the first where the love was mutual and we allowed one another to grow. That makes a huge difference, I think. :)

    Awesome post , my friend. Another great post and topic! :)

    Have a great weekend, Harleena!

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm

      Glad you liked the post along with the quotes Deeone!

      I am another one quite like you who is fond of quotes in the posts, as they do add a lot of meaning to the post I feel :)

      As you have undergone your share of breakups, no one would know it better than you what it feels like going through one. I agree it must have been really difficult and heart-breaking, but then you did learn to move on- that is what really counts in the end!

      I can see why you liked #10- to let go and #8 to find your own happiness. I guess there is actually no other way other than doing these things, if you do want to move on in your life. Makes no sense crying over things you have no control over, nor is it worthwhile keeping onto such thoughts or feelings for people who no longer care for you. Best is to let go, forgive, forget, and move past things. It does take time, but you do learn to move on :)

      That is a good point you raised, about being and finding your own happiness first, then sharing it with another and allowing or giving space to each other for growth.

      I am glad you learnt from your past experiences, which must have made you a much wiser and strong person. Thus, now you know the right path or way to choose. I am indeed happy for your dear friend- that hopefully you have found your inner peace and happiness, and of course contentment and love with your partner.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. Have a nice weekend as well :)

  7. Adrienne

    February 18, 2012 at 4:12 am

    Hey Harleena,

    Happy to see that Morris stopped by and checked out your post. Great seeing him here.

    Boy have I ever been through this and everything you mentioned is great advice if you can just do it. I know that the one major breakup I went through was well over 25 years ago and it devastated me to the core. We were engaged to be married and he was the love of my life. We’d been together for five years and he called the wedding off five weeks before we were to walk down the isle. Oh and let me be sure to mention that he never told me why. To this day I still don’t know why.

    I remember being so crushed back then that I took medication for the first seven days just to settle me down. I was an emotional basket case and every time someone mentioned his name I lost it. It was a horrible time in my life and one I’ll never forget so I guess one of the lessons I’ve learned throughout my life is handling certain situations much better. You don’t know what you don’t know.

    Great advice and I hope I never need it ever again. :-)

    ~Adrienne

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm

      I need to thank you for that Adrienne!

      I can well understand what all you must have undergone, as it sure is never easy, or easier said than done!

      Truly amazing to know about your story Adrienne! I just keep wondering what could have gone wrong, especially when you were so much in love? Or was it that he just wanted a relationship and got cold feet at the thought of marriage? He never even bothered to tell you why he called off the wedding is surprising, and guess you too wouldn’t have wanted to or did ask him why he did what he did?

      Even though 25 years is a long time, but whenever such thoughts and memories must be crossing your way, things must be coming up right back. I guess we are all emotional fools when we are much in love, as love is truly blind, and we can never really think or imagine about what turn our life may take. We are just so unprepared for the future.

      I feel so sorry for your state 25 years back, it must have been a really hard for you, and yes- such things always do remain at the back of our minds even though we do try to get over them.

      But I am so glad you got through that phase of your life and learnt so many lessons along the way, the best one being to let go of things and move ahead in life. That is what has made you what you are today- strong, determined, wise, and a much better person :)

      I am sure you would never need such advice ever again :)

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. It’s always a pleasure to have you over :)

      • Adrienne

        February 18, 2012 at 10:35 pm

        You keep wondering! And don’t think I didn’t ask him, my parents asked him and my best friend asked him. He could never give any of us a straight answer. I know that he was horrible at making decisions and listened to too many outside sources so we just think it was a combination. But he never to this day has ever told me the real reason why. He did go to therapy years later and asked me to join him but I never got an answer in that session either.

        It’s kind of hard to understand where things went wrong when you have no clue. The relationship after that one did something similar although we hadn’t set a date. He just called me up on day and said it was over with no explanation again. And he said he wanted to marry me too. I had a rough time in my late 20′s Harleena. I believe that’s why I am where I am now.

        It too me a very long time to move past the fact that not everyone was like that. I was so madly in love with my fiance and we had been together for so long I had horrible trust issues. It probably took me another 15 years or so to finally understand that I can’t compare everyone to those two.

        I have learned so much through these experiences and am now at a place that I just enjoy being alone. I guess I’m just use to it now. Ah though, I sure wish I would have learned some lessons way back then and I know I’d be in a much different place personally. Oh well, we live and learn.

        • Avatar of Harleena Singh

          Harleena Singh

          February 18, 2012 at 10:50 pm

          I guess he must have never really known how to face you, your parents, or your friends. He would really have had no answer at all for the way he acted. Yes, it could have been that he was influenced by others, but then such major decisions have to always be your own.

          It is indeed hard to understand, and you must have thought about this a great deal already during that phase of your life. Oh dear! You had another similar relationship after your first one? Must have been terrible at that young an age to undergo so much. Guess that’s what makes you what you are today :)

          Yes indeed, it’s easier said than done. We can just advice or suggest sitting from far, but it’s people like you who have undergone so much in their lives, who would truly know what it’s really like. And getting that trust back again in anyone is not easy.

          You are never really alone, as you are always with yourself and you do have Kayla with you- guess pets are sometimes much more valuable and turn out better companions than humans :)

          We all learn lessons along the way, such is life I guess. Had we known things earlier, we wouldn’t have made those mistakes, nor learnt anything along the way also :)

          Guess everything happens for a reason and here I feel it was to make you a stronger person, and we take it as His will :)

  8. Marcus Baker

    February 18, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Great tips for dealing with a break up. I particularly like your point about accepting that relationships are not necessarily forever.

    It can be especially heart breaking when a relationship ends unexpectedly, however if we go into them knowing that this is always a possibility then perhaps one is better able to temper the emotion with a touch of reality.

    I believe that everything in life comes to teach us something and this is especially the case when it comes to intimate relationships.

    When a relationship ends it’s because our learning and maybe theirs too is complete and it’s time to move on.

    The extent to which we suffer from the separation is very much dependent on how attached we were to the relationship and / or other person. Letting go can be really challenging but since everything happens in perfect timing it usually works out in the end even though we may not feel that it ever will at the time.

    ~Marcus

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 2:54 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Marcus!

      Yes indeed, just like nothing lasts forever, similarly, even relationships don’t last a lifetime. I guess they too end, either because of a breakup, divorce, separation, or the death of a partner. However, we are never ready for such sudden losses in our lives, which is what causes us much pain.

      I wonder how one can not love another fully, or how can one be prepared that there may be a possibility of a breakup- thus be prepared for it? In most cases, people never think about a breakup nor are they prepared for it. Instead, a couple mostly tries to live together and learn to accept each other as and for what they are- unconditional love as they call it. But yes, when the going gets really tough and there is just no way out, breakups do happen.

      Perhaps what you mentioned that when a relationship ends, it’s because the learning of both the partners is complete and it’s time each one moved on- is correct to some extent. But then, if that be the case, most people would be forever moving on or wanting to learn more! I wonder as to how can an individual know another or learn enough about one another in a lifetime?

      I feel that life is so short that even a lifetime falls short to know about one another. I speak for myself, that I learn something new about my husband every single day, every moment seems like a new discovery :)

      Yes, you’re right about our suffering depending on our attachment to the person. Some people may not even be that attached and can easily get over a relationship, and vice-versa.

      Letting go in never easy, and it does take a lot of courage and will power to let go. However, if once you are able to let go- you are a much lighter, happier and content person.

      Thanks for stopping-by and adding more value to the post :)

  9. Manish

    February 18, 2012 at 11:09 pm

    Hey Harleena,

    What a post, it is simply superb. In life if any person has to progress then he or she should forget all the bad things that has happened in the past with them because by thinking about those things is merely a wastage of time and nothing else. I know it is easy to say all this stuff, but we are human beings and for us all the situations are not in our control at all :).

    Well apart from this, I also believe that it is necessary to avoid the company of those people who think negatively about everything – because if you remain with such people it just disturbs your life and you tend to remain tensed. So, keep friendship with those who have same goals and motives as you have after all a life to do something productive, so why to waste life in thinking useless things which are not in our control :D.

    So, you should not worry at all if anyone left you whether it is your girl friend or whatever. Live your life to the full and do the things that you love most ;).

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2012 at 11:40 pm

      Welcome to the blog Manish!

      Glad you liked the post. Yes indeed, when and if we want to proceed or move on in life, we do need to let bygones be bygones and not really let it come in our way to success.

      You are quite right about staying away from people who spread negativity, as that brings about more negativity about. I guess that is another reason for breakups, as you are not able to connect with people who are not like minded or those who are not on the same track as you.

      The answer lies in moving on with life, whether you have had a breakup or any other kind of problem in your life. That is the only thing which will keep you going.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  10. Hiten

    February 19, 2012 at 3:29 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Breaking up with a loved one is, indeed a difficult experience that we as humans go through. You have explained ways of coping with this quite brilliantly.

    My own experiences have been to look forward, because looking back just kept me stuck and dwelling on old memories. By not rethinking about the past, and removing memories, I was then able to move forward. It’s difficult but something, which we need to do.

    Like Marcus, I liked the point you made about relationships not lasting forever. Indeed, like everything, they have the characteristics of being born, being there for a while and then passing away.

    Thank you for your post Harleena.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 19, 2012 at 6:31 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Hiten!

      Breaking up is never easy and one of the toughest things to deal with. Yes, you are right when you say that looking ahead is the only way to move forward, as looking back or going back into the past and trying to make out why it happened has no meaning.

      I guess its an effort that you yourself have to make by remaining determined and having the will to do so, as that alone can erase the bitter past and give way to a brighter and better future.

      Nothing lasts forever, and the same happens with relationships. They too die their natural death after a period of time, due to various reasons. The best thing to do is make the best of things while they last, and moving on with life when they end.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  11. Janet Callaway

    February 20, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Harleena, aloha.

    Like Vidya, I noticed the timing of this post so soon after Valentine’s Day. In a way, it speaks to what happens in many relationships–they continue after they should have ended because a special day was on the horizon or a trip was planned or it would be better for business if they were a couple or ______.

    Harleena, I think it all depends on how the relationships ends as well as whether you are the ender or endee. To have it end as Adrienne’s did would be heart breaking and shattering as evidenced by the repercussions years later.

    If, however, a person decides to end a relationship after careful consideration, then I think they miss more the “what was” and their recollection of good times and memories rather than the person.

    If it was a mutual ending of the relationship for whatever reason, I imagine it is much easier to go forward.

    If the ending of a relationship is completely one sided and especially if it is a surprise, then the one who was left will likely have to go through much to process. Your words of advice are sound.

    Harleena, I agree with this statement Marcus made:

    “When a relationship ends it’s because our learning and maybe theirs too is complete and it’s time to move on.”

    To me it makes no sense to stay in a relationship that is not working and in which you are not growing just because you are in a relationship. Ideally, people find partners with whom they continue to evolve and to grow, thus creating a lasting relationship. However, when one of the partners chooses to be stagnant, there is no reason the other partner should be stuck or have less in her/his life because of a relationship formed long before.

    In most instances, what we want in our twenties is not what we want in our forties, fifties or sixties. If one of the partners still values and wants the life that was theirs when they were in their twenties, then I can see a real disconnect. If you do not feel a closeness with a partner, why would you want to stay and invest more time? At a certain point, and it’s different for each of us, it is the time to move forward to the next phase of our life.

    Thanks so much for this thought provoking post, Leena.

    Wishing you a week of peace, joy and abundance in all that matters to you. Until next time, aloha. Janet

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 20, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      Aloha Janet!

      Yes indeed, the timing of this post soon after Valentine’s was surely noticed, though just as Valentine’s so much part of our lives, so are breakups. :)

      You are right about a lot depending on the relationship ends, whether we are the ender or endee, and in either ways I guess both sides do suffer the pain and heartbreak or the guilt, which may have come in some form in Adrienne’s partners case that lead him to treatment soon after.

      Ending a relationship mutually is very rare, though if it does work out like-ways, it is ideal for both sides.

      Marcus sure did sound advice about a relationship ending because the learning on either sides may have been complete- indicating it’s time to move on. I agree to a certain extent with him, though I really do wonder if learning from each other or to stop learning is the only criteria to end relations.

      I agree with you that ending a relationship when there is no growth is the ideal thing, as I too have noticed people hang on the dead relationships just because they are married or in the bond of marriage for years and would not like to break or get away from it. I guess stagnancy from one partner kills a relationship as may be there is lack of love, or growth, nor any kind of feelings from one partner.

      You are so right here- that the expectations or needs we have when we are younger in our twenties, are quite different from what we want when we reach our forties, fifties, or sixties. I guess we look more for companionship, friendship, and unconditional love as we age. However, some partners still want the same things they wanted when they were younger, or fail to mature with age- which could lead them to drift apart from one another.

      I guess in such cases, partners should ideally seek counselling if communication among themselves doesn’t work, rather than breaking up, which should ideally be the last resort. Sometimes, people realize things when they hear it from others, where counselors, friends, or families can help out as well.

      Thanks so much for stopping-by and adding so much more value to the post. It’s always a pleasure to have you over :)

      Hope you had a wonderful weekend as well :)

  12. Jack

    February 21, 2012 at 12:50 am

    It is really important to find your happiness again and to learn how to enjoy that. Once you “relearn” that you can be happy without that other person life gets to be much easier.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 21, 2012 at 10:05 am

      You are so right there Jack!

      Once you have undergone a break up, or are wanting a get-away from a tough marriage or relationship, what matters most is finding your own share of happiness and learning how to enjoy that. I guess once you learn that, you don’t really need anyone else in your life.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  13. diannadavisson

    February 21, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Hi Harleena,

    This is perfect for me, thanks for sharing these brilliant ideas on how to overcome the heart aches and be wiser the next time around…

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 21, 2012 at 10:02 am

      Welcome to the blog Dianna!

      Glad you could resonate with the post and liked the ideas shared about how to get over a break up and move on in life.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  14. Bryce Christiansen

    February 21, 2012 at 9:12 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    #6 is a big one. I was just at my parents’ house last night for dinner and my Mom was telling me how she had the most interesting dinner.

    She had invited a bunch of friends but people kept canceling. The group that ended up coming was a group of women that all had dealt with divorce (excluding my mom). One friend of my mom’s just recently went through her divorce and for the first time opened up about it to my mom and their friends.

    Because the group shared that common connection there was a feeling of support that made the lunch special. If it had been the original larger group of friends that showed up, I’m sure the topics would have been different and my Mom’s friend wouldn’t have had the opportunity to open up like she did.

    I’m sure this post will help many others who are dealing with that separation.

    Bryce

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Bryce!

      Yes indeed, talking to our family, friends, or support groups does help a great deal for those dealing with divorce, separation or breakups.

      Nice to hear about your mom and all the friends she had over for dinner. I guess it must have been a wonderful meeting for all the ladies or group as such, because they shared somethings in common that would have helped them deal with the problem in hand (divorce) in a much better way.

      I guess when you are able to express and share your feelings with others, and hear other people who are sailing in the same boat as yourself, you are able to relate things much better.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone :)

  15. Justin Mazza

    February 22, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Great advice for getting over a break up Harleena.

    It’s not easy to do by any stretch but I believe that after going through enough ending of relationships the ability to cope with it becomes much easier to do.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 22, 2012 at 7:29 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Justin!

      Yes indeed, breakups are never easy- though something that most of us have to undergo sooner or later in our lives, either due to the various reasons mentioned above.

      We are surely able to cope better, but the pain and hurt does remain for quite sometime, unless you learn to overcome it and move on with your life.

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  16. Richard kitchenaid mixer

    February 23, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    I read that a break up is harder if you’ve mentaly invested a lot of time in the other person, i.e. you thought you were going to be with them for the rest of you’re life, this reminds me to always think ( a little) “this could end anytime”

    Think a good way to get over someone would be a month long holiday somewhere cool, so you’re not being reminded of the other person everyday in you’re normal surroundings. Thanks for the post : )

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

      Welcome to the blog Richard!

      Breakups are always tough, especially when you have been much in love and care for one another. And when we enter into any kind of relationship, we always do so thinking that this is going to last a lifetime, or this is the person for me. We never do tend to think about the time we are investing in the relationship, nor are we ready to imagine about a breakup.

      But yes, when a relationship is not working the way you would want it to, due to various reasons, and you feel you have tried everything to make things work- the only answer is to breakup and move on with your life.

      Yes, a nice long holiday is a nice idea, provided you don’t let thoughts overpower your mind. :)

      Thanks for stopping-by :)

  17. Linda

    February 23, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    Excellent tips here, Harleena!

    I haven’t been in a relationship with anyone for quite some time. I have a tendency to drift when I think things aren’t going to work out…it’s better for me that way because a break up can really be difficult. While I usually remain friends with that person, I have to keep my distance and not see them so much cause I will get sucked back in and I would rather just be FREE than to have to deal with it all over again.

    I love being single and I plan to always stay that way…just easier for me all around :)

    Linda

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Linda!

      I can well understand your state Linda, and yes, breakups are never really easy. And you do tend to become more cautious or careful and refrain from entering into a relationship, because of the fear that it may happen again.

      I guess in such a situation, you tend to close yourself or all doors so that you don’t even think about entering into any relationship or going over everything all over again.

      Yes indeed, being single sure does have it’s plus points! Guess you can really do what you want, where you want, and when you want- without really giving anything much of a thought!

      Thanks for stopping-by. :)

  18. O Stephen

    February 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

    Thank you for sharing this piece Harleena. Very helpful.

    Well written and great advise. I can associate with the tips shared which are very practical and helpful. It was interesting as I actually used the steps in a pass relationship. What I would be interested to see is mading this when there are children in the picture.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      Welcome to the blog Stephen!

      Glad you liked the post and found it helpful. I guess you would know it best, as you have been in a relationship earlier and even learnt how to move on with life now.

      Yes indeed, the children are the ones who tend to suffer the most when relationships break up. But I think some kids who may have seen or undergone the trauma at home, due to the reasons their parents breakup, would be better off living with one parent than with both.

      I have seen some couples come to an understanding where the child/children stay with one parent, but visit the other parent over the weekend. Thus, they enjoy being with both parents, and learn the best from both sides.

      Guess it all depends on the kind of family and the reason for the breakup. Some couples just need a little time away from each other, or kind of temporary separation, and after a while they are back again, or the kids are a reason to bring them back again.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

  19. Cat Alexandra

    February 26, 2012 at 12:32 am

    Dear Harleena,

    Boy is this a BIG subject!

    My heart goes out to those who are struggling with the end of a relationship, for whatever reason. I think that this is definitely one of the more difficult situations life may face us with along the journey.

    Your point #5 is one that sticks for me. I have been fortunate to be in a supportive and loving relationship for 6 years now (just celebrated my anniversary this past week). Having been in other relationships prior to this one, though, I know how very painful it can be to get a handle on the situation. I think that allowing yourself the space to experience your feelings is something essential. I think some people try to move on too quickly without allowing themselves to feel the feelings. It seems like that usually creates forms of chaos later on because so much was left unresolved and then stuffed into a dark cubby hole.

    Thanks for sharing these wonderful reminders. It is inevitable that things will end at some point because nothing in this life is forever. It’s nice to know there is support in the community from those who will help us get through it. :)

    Have a beautiful weekend, my dear!

    Cat Alexandra

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      February 26, 2012 at 7:10 pm

      Yes indeed Cat, this IS a big subject!

      Life is indeed strange at times, and no matter how hard we may try to keep to things or relationships, what is destined or willed- will happen. Breakups and moving on with life thereafter is never easy, and my heart does go out to those who have undergone such traumas in their lives. But yes, they have turned out to be much stronger and wiser after the storm has passed over :)

      Congratulations for your anniversary (though belated!)- wonderful indeed! I am happy and glad that you are now in a secure and supportive relationship, though you would know best how it must have felt to have ended the previous one before entering into this one. I guess those who undergo it, really know the pain and trauma.

      You are so right about rushing into a relationship too soon, without really giving things a thought. People do need to take some time off to reflect their own feelings and think deep about about what and it happened, and what lessons they have learnt from things. Then try leading a life without anyone in your life for a while, gather yourself once again, before really entering into another relationship. Doing so, you would be more in control of yourself and your feelings.

      Nothing is forever, that is indeed true. And what relationship you are in today is bound to end due to breakups or the demise of a partner. So, we ought to be well prepared for the latter, while keep trying to work with the former, till the level you can take it!

      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone.

      Enjoy your weekend as well :)

  20. David

    February 27, 2012 at 2:16 am

    Top Notch advice Haarlena!

    Having experienced heart break more times than I care to remember, I think what you say here is very important for anyone who is going through the loss. If they keep a clear head and pay attention, they can find some clues on what to do to help get past the difficult time after a breakup.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      March 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm

      Sorry for the late reply David- I missed out on this comment!

      I am indeed glad that you have learned to move on in life after going through so many break ups- guess it must have made you only stronger and wiser. Yes indeed, you really have no other option but to keep a clear head and learn to overcome your loss- and move ahead.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

  21. Carolyn

    March 2, 2012 at 7:27 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    This is such an important article, thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. As a happily married woman, I hope I am beyond needing this, though as you point out, all relationships must come to an end. But my teenage daughters will most likely have to endure the heartbreak of breakups.

    All of your advice is spot on, but number three is especially important and the most difficult to comprehend for most. After I broke up with my first serious boyfriend when I was 19 (we had been dating for two years), my father advised me against having contact with him for a year. I thought my father was completely wrong (I should have known better). I tried to assuage my guilt over the breakup by “staying friends” with my ex-boyfriend, but that only gave him mixed signals and ended up hurting him more.

    I think the toughest situation is when a couple has children together so the exes are forced to see each other regularly. That would be incredibly difficult for all parties, I would imagine. I wonder if that was a topic of conversation at Bryce’s mother’s dinner.

    I will someday show this article to my girls when they come to me after their first breakups, Harleena!

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      March 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Carolyn!

      I am sorry for the late response, I thought I had replied- guess I missed out :)

      I hope and pray that you or your daughters really don’t need to go through the pain and loss of heart-breaks and my good wishes are always with them. But yes, we can never say nowadays with things moving at such a pace, and relationships truly do take a backseat.

      Nice to know a little more about you, and while your father was truly right- but just as most teens do (they don’t listen!! :))- I guess you too wanted to try out your way and went ahead with what your heart told you best. I guess you wanted to remain friends with your first serious boy friend, though didn’t know that he would take everything you do seriously! And he must have thought you have forgiven him and started thinking more about the relationship, only to be hurt more later.

      But it does help a great deal if you just break total contact when you know there’s going to be nothing serious from such a relationship. Yes, you do need to harden and strengthen your inner-self and do the needful- and there is truly no other way if you want to move on in life.

      Where the couples have kids and they divorce or separate, the kids of course are the ones worst affected. However, if the kids have seen their parents struggle with their relationship and not really being happy in it, they too are happier staying with either of the parents, and visiting the other on weekends or holidays- as the arrangement may be.

      The dinner at Bryce’s mother must have been wonderful, as most of the ladies there were either separated or divorced, thus shared similar interests. It does help a great deal if you have a good support group to share you feelings and problems.

      Ah…I pray again that your daughters never go through any breakups- nor do they need such a write up :)

      Thanks so much for stopping by and adding more value to the post by sharing your own experiences with everyone :)

  22. Anees

    March 6, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Thanks for the post. I could have saved myself from emotional breakdown and depression if i had found something like this. I managed to recover though it took too long.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      March 7, 2012 at 11:37 am

      Welcome to the blog Anees!

      Glad you could relate to the post, though am sorry you read about the ways to move on after a breakup after going through a lot. I guess depression and emotional breakdown are things that are not in our control in such circumstances, though by reading such posts or seeking help from family, friends, and support groups the pain and trauma does lessen a great deal.

      Nice to hear that you are finally over it all, and am sure it’s made you a wiser and stronger person now :)

      Thanks for stopping by :)

  23. Bishwajeet

    March 20, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Still in a relationship and hoping that it will continue in the coming days, but in case there is some problem I would refer to it :)

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      March 20, 2012 at 10:34 am

      Nice to know that Bishwajeet!

      I do hope and pray you really don’t have to refer to this article ever, and that your relationship doesn’t undergo any breakups!

      Wishing you the best & thanks for stopping by. :)

  24. david

    March 20, 2012 at 10:44 am

    It really takes TWO people who really WANT it to work. Otherwise, there is little chance of long term relationship survival. Heartbreak happens and helps us to cherish the person who DOES want it to work.

    • Avatar of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      March 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

      Absolutely right David!

      Just as they say it takes two to tango, similarly for a relationship to work- both partners need to be willing and wanting it to work. For doing so, they would both need to change themselves and the situation, so that things work out. Heartbreaks are part of life, though we ought to learn to move on in our lives, if they do happen.

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

  25. Toyin Aluko

    March 18, 2013 at 1:26 am

    Great Post Harleena! I really agree with your tips. But as for the #6, I have seen a case where some friends and family members advised the person involve the other way round. Truly, most of your close friends and family will do everything to make you happy and get over whatever heartache you may be having, but at times they resonate with the person you had break-up with; and they refuse to agree with the breakup. Instead of them to help in getting over the breakup, they want to do everything to make you get your ex back even if your ex is not interested.

    I see this can make one to think over and over the breakup and give one a kind of unending feelings of losing someone precious.

    What do you think one should do in this case?

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