Why Do Children Get Angry

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children get angry

Are you one of those many parents who wonder why children get angry even with the slightest of provocation? Or sometimes they get angry without any reason at all!

If you too are facing such a situation, then understand that it is just a passing phase. Who would know it better than our parents, isn’t it?

When we were kids, our parents also must have wondered why their children get angry, while raising us.

Perhaps you were the sober kinds, but such is a typical phase that comes in every growing child’s life all over the world.

“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.” ~ Lyman Abbott.

Is it Alright for Children to Get Angry

Right from the time they are born to the time they become adolescents, and then from their teens till they become adults, children get angry. I believe children should get angry, which shows that they are normal!

Let’s be honest and ask ourselves, don’t we also get angry, even when we’re not required to. Even though we are older and mature, don’t we allow the negative emotions get the better of us?

We all need to release our negative emotions lest they harm us, and getting angry is the easiest way. However, a major difference between adults and children is that children have less control over their emotions, and don’t really know how to handle their anger.

Most people think that children are happy-go-lucky and nothing seems to bother them – because they are just kids.

However, children experience many emotions like us, including anger. Children also face stress in their lives, which sometimes becomes much more than they can handle.

Children may get angry if their wishes are not fulfilled, or when they are not happy with the way things are. Their developing mind could only suggest them to be stubborn and get angry when faced with a situation.

So, is it all about learning to deal with anger that applies to us and children as well? Certainly it is, but then there’s more to consider and understand about why children get angry.

“You know why babies don’t hold grudges? Because when you make them mad they let you hear it. That’s how you heal emotionally. Acknowledge your anger and have a good scream about it.” ~ Adam Appleson

When Children Get Angry

Some parents I know put up their hands in desperation because their kids are out of control with anger. Often it is out of their own helplessness, since they really can’t figure out the reason their children are getting angry for.

Perhaps we carry the notion that good children never show their anger, and we feel terrible when children get angry. Some parents also feel insulted at times, as they take the child’s anger to be consciously directed towards them.

We, at times, see such behavior of children as indiscipline and act of disrespect. Things get worse when we don’t consider going down to their level when they get angry. Nor do we take cues from our own childhood about why we used to get angry.

We sometimes fail to think in such situations that there could be other myriad natural and personal reasons that prompt the child to behave so.

Remember, anger always has a reason, and the anger is just a symptom. It is essential to find the cause, and not focus on the effect, which is anger.

When children get angry, it could be due to problems with friends, school environment, inability to study, and coping with unreasonable expectations or unrealistic demands.

Sometimes, we don’t like seeing children get angry as we don’t like that kind of disturbance, because that becomes just another burden or job to handle.

Instead, we expect children to pacify their little minds with their limited understanding and ignore or suppress such feelings.

Weren’t many of us raised to believe that our feelings of anger need to be suppressed? Is it right to suppress the feeling when you get angry?

But when you feel it so strongly, it seems the only right thing to do, and logic fails to overrule that strong emotion.

When children get angry, it is a sign that they feel some pain deep within themselves, because anger is generally a response to pain.

However, it’s a possibility that kids misunderstand their own feelings and incorrectly associate it with pain, thinking it as valid enough to cause the anger.

“Every child senses, with all the horse sense that’s in him, that any parent is angry inside when children misbehave and they dread more the anger that is rarely or never expressed openly, wondering how awful it might be.” ~ Benjamin Spock

Reasons Why Children Get Angry

There are many reasons why kids get angry, but I would try to put forth few reasons that may cause them to get upset. The few basic ones here:

1- Biological causes

You would be surprised, but sometimes there are many biological causes behind children getting angry like learning disabilities, allergies, or even developmental disorders.

Even kids with ADHD have a tough time handling their emotions. Sometimes impulsivity may lead an ADHD child to respond in anger with aggression as mentioned here.

A child who was often restless, irritable, and unfocused in class had outbursts only during springtime. Doctors suggested allergy tests for him, and sure enough, he was allergic to grass, ragweed, mold, and pollen.

Once he received allergic treatment, his moods became normal. No wonder he used to get angry. Similarly, many adults also undergo the same mood swings when they are allergic.

2- Life stressors

We may not know it, but our children can get angry due to so many reasons related to stresses in their lives.

It could be the expectation parents have of their kids where school performance is concerned. Or it could be the home tasks they have to complete, give time to their friends, do well in school, or manage tough situations in the classroom or with friends.

Nowadays with studies becoming tougher than before, if we expect kids to perform beyond their capabilities, whether at school or at home, they can become angry.

Some children get angry even when parents have to move, if they lose a pet or family member, when a new baby is about to arrive, when they don’t have their way, or when a divorce takes place.

While some children may get angry because some visitors or house guests comes to their house and may occupy their space for a few days. This stops their freedom of doing things as they want to do.

Children also get angry when they are lonely, fearful of parents or teachers, not respected, unloved, lied to, if they don’t understand why a privilege is revoked, or if they’re ignored.

Children get angry for the strangest of reasons, which we as adults can’t understand till we learn and understand more about it.

They start fighting and arguing with classmates or even parents, though at other times they are courteous and absolutely normal.

Some kids take drastic steps of destroying things or acting indifferently at school or at home. When you try finding out the reason, it’s because of some problems they are facing at home.

Either a divorce is taking place between the parents, or a new child is coming into the family, or any of the reasons mentioned above. These have hurt and pained the child that caused the anger.

3- Hormones play a major part

Hormone plays a vital part in how kids experience anger. This works more for those nearing puberty because their low tolerance levels tend to make them angry with those around them.

They can feel a lack of understanding and feel restricted to the changes they are undergoing, which increases their feelings and emotions further.

Often understanding teens isn’t easy, and sometimes they don’t want to talk or communicate. It’s best at such times to let them be instead of pushing or probing them to speak as it can react adversely.

Ask me about that with my kids! Sometimes they just refuse to talk or get angry at the weirdest of issues – it does get overwhelming at times. But yes, being a parent I understand it’s a passing phase.

Parenting troubled teenagers sure is a difficult task, but it’s not impossible. The teenage years don’t last forever and during this phase of their lives, they should be given privacy and space.

By doing so, it shows that as parents we respect their feelings and emotions, and we understand the changes they are undergoing. I try this method, and it does work. They are soon back to their normal self.

4- Lack of communication

One main reason why children get angry is because there is lack of effective communication. Children get frustrated because they lack the ability to talk freely about their feelings to their friends, or family.

This is one reason I stress a lot to have a time to bond with the family, where a good parent takes care to have open conversation with their kids.

It can be very annoying for parents or caretakers if they aren’t able to understand what the child is saying or what is making them angry. Children who get angry are often not able to express their anger in words.

As parents, we need to give children enough time and have patience with them, without interrupting or answering questions for them while they speak.

Once they are able to do develop communication skills, they feel appreciated, and develop self-confidence. It enables them to understand that they have someone to talk to who is listening patiently to them.

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” ~ Haim Ginott

Parenting: Kids and Bad Temper ~ Dr. Laura Markham  ~ You Tube Video

Warning Signs about Why Children Get Angry

According to the American of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children who are at risk for having problems with anger include those kids who:

  • Previously exhibited violent behavior.
  • Have a genetic inclination.
  • Live in a home with firearms.
  • Have been abused or exposed to violence.
  • Have used alcohol and drugs.
  • Have suffered brain damage from a head injury.
  • Live in a stressful family environment.

Children who have the above risk factors and show intense anger, repeated outbursts, remain frustrated, are extremely irritable and impulsive should be evaluated for a disorder and need treatment.

We as parents need to understand what triggers our children to get angry and recognize when they feel angry.

We need to also find ways for them to vent their anger properly and have tactics to resolve situations that lead to anger.

“Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children.” ~ Rosaleen Dickson

Over to you

How do you manage your children when they get angry? How did your parents respond to you when you got angry as a child? Do you know of any other reasons why children get angry? Share your feelings or your experiences as a child and as a parent in the comments below.

 

Photo Credit: Qole Pejorian

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About Harleena Singh

Harleena Singh is a positive thinker and a freelance writer. She loves to write inspiring and thought provoking posts on self-improvement, family, relationships, health, and other aspects of life. She's not another personal development guru, but just an average person with great life experiences. She's also a blogger, who loves to share her blogging knowledge and experiences. Network with her on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+..

52 Comments

  1. dadblunders
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 6:47 pm

    Emotional control only comes with maturity, guidance and patience. The best thing a parent can do is try to be a model of what they want to see. I know for a fact that toddlers are especially good at tantrums. They often have just begun their road to emotional maturity and independence. and are looking for guidance.

    Toddlers want to be heard and feel like they are in control. When a child is having a tantrum a parent must maintain a calm voice. If a parent starts to raise their voice or get upset it shows the toddler its okay. We have to validate their emotions and feelings and tell them it is okay to feel that way. We never want to tell a child they can’t feel angry. We can tell them there might be a better way of expressing it.

    If you see a tantrum starting to develop it is a good idea to state clearly your intentions as a parent. “You will only play with your toys for 5 more minutes and then we will have to leave” Emphasizing that something is expected of them in a short time. It helps them to understand what is going to happen.

    If we never allow a child to express emotions they will grow up without the maturity they need to help guide them in life.

    Aaron

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 13, 2012 at 7:31 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Aaron!

      Yes indeed, kids take time getting emotionally mature for which we as parents need to give them our full support and be patient with them. Being a role model works best, as kids are great at picking up every single thing their parents do!

      Ah…yes those temper tantrums kids! It does happen with a few kids, though that occurs mainly with toddlers just as you mentioned. They need all our love, attention, care, and most of all our patience and guidance at that time.

      Kids will always be kids, but as parents we need to understand and act mature while they are having their tantrums. In-fact let them have their way for a while and express their feeling, which again is important because they are obviously upset about something or trying to seek your attention. I know it’s tough, but at that point of time we need to remain calm and just bear up and try to understand them, just as you mentioned.

      Absolutely! When children get angry – just let them. However, once they are through with it they need to be guided and told the right way to express that anger. There are many ways of doing that, which I would be soon taking up in another post.

      You need to act at the first incidence of the occurrence of temper tantrums because if once the child is successful, he/she will try it again and will be more motivated and slowly the habit will get reinforced. Parents don’t have to give in to temper tantrums, else the kids will always find a way – but once they know that nothing they do is going to work and they got a rock solid wall ahaead, they wont try to break it. But yes, you need to supplement such strategy with love at appropriate times lest the kid starts distancing or revolting against the parent. Or you can even try diverting your child’s mind when you know he’s coming in for a tantrum – that works well too.

      Expressing their emotions when kids get angry or for that matter expressing any kind of emotion for a child is very important, which helps them become mature and healthy adults.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your valuable thoughts. :)

  2. Deone Higgs
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    A very informative post, as usual, Harleena!

    It’s always interesting to me, seeing temper tantrums being given by children and the reactions many parents choose to render. A lot has changed from when I was growing up, and I’m sure many adults would have similar memories as the one I have come to cherish. While I wasn’t a temper tantrum thrower growing up, I do recall my younger brother trying it on many occasions with my mother. They would never go over well with her, however, that never ceased him from trying. I learned quickly, through seeing his punishments, that I wouldn’t dare try to get angry or have my way, because I didn’t want to receive the same corrections being given to me. I think that’s been my saving grace over many areas of my life, actually; learning what I didn’t care for through others reactions to various things.

    It’s funny though, (not really funny, per say) but I can relate to what you shared here – his reactions were mostly caused through the lifestyle my mother adopted while being pregnant with him. With me, she was 18 when she got pregnant with me, and 19 when she gave birth to me; she had not yet begin dabbling in drinking or anything of the sort. But with him, she was in her early 20′s, and by then she was partying and experiencing a lifestyle different from the one she had with me. It certainly showed throughout my brother’s life.

    I had never thought about that until reading this post. WOW!

    Thank you for sharing such wonderful insights on this topic. I truly can appreciate this in so many ways. As I’m sure, others will, as well. Great message!
    Deone Higgs recently posted..“What’s My Motivation?” – Uncovering My Life Mission StatementMy Profile

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 13, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      Glad you liked the post Deeone!

      Yes indeed, I am also quite amazed at some parents and the way they treat their kids when they throw such tantrums. Perhaps I was never such a child nor were my kids, so it seems sad to see both, parents and the child react to one another in such cases. But just as you mentioned, things are quite different nowadays with parents realizing and getting more aware about how to handle kids when they get angry.

      Ah…so you did experience it within your family with your brother throwing those tantrums with your Mom! Though I’m glad your mother handled it all so well and was stern enough with him, and you learnt not to do the same seeing the punishments he might have got! i guess life does teach us various lessons in disguise – doesn’t it?

      That’s an interesting point you raised about the lifestyle your Mom led while she was expecting your brother as compared to the time she was expecting you. I think that plays a major part in the way kids see their parents whom they expect to be as role models.

      I strongly feel in your brothers case, more than anything else, his temper tantrums may have been because he was wanting the attention of your Mom, who wasn’t there perhaps as much as he wanted her to be, as you mentioned about her lifestyle more towards partying and drinking that time. Kids are known to express their emotions through such ways just to seek their parents love and attention.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. :)

  3. Hajra
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 8:17 pm

    I don’t have kids and I can’t relate at all! But I have some of my cousins with young children and how they complain of temper tantrums. And they manage by talking it out with their kids. I feel somehow kids of today are much more understanding and mature than we were at their age. Maybe it is the exposure to the huge amount of information or whatever. But yes, once you talk to them and see what is bothering them, then it becomes a little easier from there on.

    Hope you are having a lovely Friday!

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 13, 2012 at 9:02 pm

      Hmm…but you were a child once Hajra, so did you ever get angry? If so, how and what did your parents do? That would connect with you I guess. :)

      Yes indeed, just as I was replying to Deeone and Aaron, temper tantrums do occur with kids, more so who aren’t given the attention they need as this is one way they have in their hand to attract their parents towards them.

      Talk therapy or diverting your child’s attention to other things works best. More so, they need to guided about the right way to express their anger, instead of suppressing it. Kids nowadays do mature much earlier, but I feel they miss out on their childhood and doing the wonderful things we did when we were kids, which again isn’t good. Children should behave like children, instead of acting like grownups – isn’t it?

      It is the exposure to the television and other social medias what is causing this change, and I also don’t like that because I see similar changes in my kids too. Guess they prefer to remain introverts and indoors more nowadays.

      We do a lot of talking in our family, whether it’s when our kids are angry or even otherwise. Guess keeping the channels of communication always open is what works best – always.

      Thanks for stopping by. Always nice to have you over and yes, have a nice weekend as well. :)

      • Hajra
        Twitter:

        July 13, 2012 at 9:13 pm

        When I was little I used to get angry, very angry. It had to do with my dad staying abroad for work and we kept moving a lot. So the stress related to it just got to my head!

        But when he stopped moving, I was so much better! ;)

        Stress is very apparent in children and they can have a lot of manifestations. We just need to identify them!

        • Harleena Singh
          Twitter:

          July 13, 2012 at 9:36 pm

          I don’t blame you at all Hajra!

          I guess I used to cry a lot when my dad wasn’t around too, which made my Mom wonder what was wrong, as otherwise I was a very happy child. Stress does play a major part in a child’s life, and most of the time we can’t really pinpoint the cause of the child’s strange behavior because of it.

          You were your Dad’s daughter it seems just like me, and yes, missed him too when he was away. And I think at that age you had no other way of showing your feelings other than get angry or perhaps crying it out like I used to do.

          Thanks for sharing your experiences. :)

  4. ntathu allen
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    The words effective communication and stressful family environment and foods we eat/don’t eat really struck home.

    I know when my girls (now teens) get upset and start arguing and falling out with each other and with me, I know how easy it is too get all caught up in the drama and start blaming and making things worse. As a child, I wasnt really allowed to be angry. I learnt quickly to smile and push down feelings. Because of this, I am “glad” when my girls do “get angry/moody and feel quite free in making sure I know about it!”

    Its quite a delicate balance isnt it–we want our children to express their emotions, to know it is OK to be emotional and loose it, yet at the same time its giving them the skills to manage their stress and emotions. Children learn what they see us do, I know when I was going through my low periods and when my girls act up, especially when younger, I know it was to get my attention, to make me stop and listen to them (any attention is better than no attention…)

    Love that quote>
    “If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” ~ Haim Ginot.

    As usual another thought-pro vacating post. Thanks my dear.
    ntathu allen recently posted..Computer Posture – How To Improve Your Posture At WorkMy Profile

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 13, 2012 at 9:30 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Ntathu!

      Yes indeed, I too can relate to what you mentioned as my kids behave likewise when they are in their ‘fighting mood’ and whomsoever comes in-between has it too! I guess the blame-game never really ends, and it’s very normal for teens that age to get angry too. I would be in-fact worried if they were too cordial and quiet! :)

      I can understand how you must have felt when you had to suppress those feelings and emotions, especially when you wanted to get angry or burst out, and had to always keep smiling through those tears. I guess you are better able to understand how important it’s now for your own kids to express their feelings when they get angry.

      I think children need to be guided a little about how to express their feelings and emotions when they get angry or upset. But yes, that should be with limits because as parents we shouldn’t close down on what they feel by our harsh words. The situation needs to be well balanced out and handled with care, patience, and understanding.

      Oh yes! Children are quick to follow their parents and they will do anything to seek their parents attention when they are young, which again isn’t actually their fault. I guess they just want us to love and listen to them – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with all of us. Always a pleasure to have you over. :)

  5. Praveen Rajarao
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 10:03 pm

    Harleena – I can totally relate to this post. I am not sure how my parents handled me when i was angry as a kid, but it is really a challenge for sure.

    I can tell when my daughter will get upset over small things like ‘not listening when she is talking’ or maybe ‘not giving her enough attention’. She gets all grumpy and mad. As you have rightly said, they have every right to be angry just like we all do as adults.

    We then give her a moment to recoil and come back to us with why she got her mood upset. She explains the reason and we either reason back why we behaved as we did or else apologize and tell her she was right. It is all in their nature of responding to a situation and we have to respect them for that I feel.

    Thanks for the post and also for the FF. Have a great weekend.

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 13, 2012 at 11:26 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Praveen!

      Parenting surely isn’t easy, but then it is enjoyable too, and I don’t think we wold have it any other way – isn’t it? :)

      Ah…you daughter is all right to seek your attention and when you aren’t giving it to her – getting angry, mad, or grumpy is the only way she knows that will get her results.

      I like that you give her time to recoil and come back and tell you what’s really bothering her. Talk therapy does wonders with kids, for which parents really have to be very patient and understanding too. But when kids are younger and can’t even speak anything, they just have their temper tantrums to get the attention of their parents.

      Yes indeed, as parents we need to respect a child’s feelings and emotions, even if they are of anger. All they need is guidance from us about how to deal or handle the anger they feel.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. Always nice to have you over and enjoy your weekend as well. :)

  6. Carolyn
    Twitter:

    July 13, 2012 at 10:05 pm

    Hi Harleena, Great article!

    You’re right, children can get angry for all sorts of reasons. It’s hard being a kid and there are lots of reasons to get angry. We as parents can help by acknowledging their anger and validating it. My daughter will tell me when she’s angry with me and I tell her that she has every reason to be angry with me, but that I won’t change my mind and allow her to do XYZ.

    Brilliant job mentioning food allergies. I would also like to mention artificial food colors. My youngest daughter has a reaction to artificial food dyes. They don’t make her angry, but they do make her spacey. It’s scary the psychological impact that food can have on people!

    Thanks for sharing this, Harleena!
    Carolyn recently posted..10 Terrific Tech Tales for You!My Profile

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 14, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      Glad you liked the article Carolyn!

      Yes indeed, just as it’s hard being a parent, it surely isn’t easy for kids either. I think it’s because they can’t really express their feelings and emotions when they are young and it takes them time to reach that level of maturity – it gets all the more tough for them. As parents we need to acknowledge, understand, and guide them when they get angry.

      It’s wonderful if your daughter is able to voice out that she is angry with you so that you know what’s shes undergoing. My kids have yet to spell it out and I can only make out from their tone and behavior when something has upset them. But yes, that doesn’t mean as parents we should change our mind or allow them to do what they want!

      I was also surprised when during my research I came across allergies being one of the reasons why kids get angry. I guess anger can arise due to so many reasons, and I won’t be surprised there are so many more we really don’t know about yet. Oh yes – food dyes are said to be harmful too and it’s best to keep away from these as well as anything artificial…whether it’s color or anything edible that you get in the market.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. Always nice to have you over. :)

      • Carolyn
        Twitter:

        July 14, 2012 at 9:43 pm

        Yes, I never would have guessed that being angry was an allergic reaction!

        The more I thought about your article the more I started thinking, “If your children aren’t angry at you every so often, then you’re not doing your job as a parent.”

        If our children are always happy with us, then we’re not really disciplining them. I’m thinking balance is the key!
        Carolyn recently posted..10 Terrific Tech Tales for You!My Profile

        • Harleena Singh
          Twitter:

          July 15, 2012 at 11:32 am

          Nor me Carolyn!

          There could be so many more we really don’t know of yet or we would come to know of much later.

          Ah… those lines are so true because getting angry is a part of each one of our nature’s, so why not the children’s too. And they have all the right to get angry off and on with us or anyone else for that matter.

          Children are never happy all the time, nor should they be. And as parents we can’t stop disciplining them till they grow up at least, so in-between there’s bound to be friction that comes out in the form of anger. Being parents we need to accept this and find ways to guide our kids to manage their anger appropriately.

          Thanks so much. :)

  7. Sylviane Nuccio

    July 13, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    Thank you for this very informative post about children’s anger and what are the different causes.

    I remember that as a child my brother would blow up in bursts of rage once in a while. He would thow all the chairs of the living room to the floor and if this wasn’t enough he would go and mess up all the beds.

    That was very strange as he was otherwise a very sweet kid. This usually happened when he felt that he couldn’t do what he wanted or something in that arena. Eventually he grew out of it.

    Some years ago a psychologist told me that children always wear their emotion on their sleeves. They are 10 times more sensitive than adults are. It’s like emotions on a magnifier and that is why what seems to be pretty much not a big deal to nothing to an adult it’s a very big deal to a child. This is what many none informed adults might be over looking, and therefore, not understanding why the child is angry.

    Thank you for clarifying many issues about child’s anger, Harleena.
    Sylviane Nuccio recently posted..Interview With Law of Attraction Teacher And Life Coach Melody FletcherMy Profile

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 14, 2012 at 9:11 am

      Glad you liked the post Sylviane!

      Ah…so you too have been witness to kids throwing about their tantrums off and on! But I guess there’s always a reason and cause why children get angry and behave in such a manner. Just as in your brothers case where he may have felt that he was stopped to do certain things or that no one was fulfilling his demands.

      Kids are for sure sensitive, and since they cannot comprehend nor control most of their emotion, it makes them more sensitive to the emotions and they get disturbed by them. For children every thought and emotion is very personal and they cling to them and get attached – just as they do with their toys – so it makes all the more difficult for them to cope.

      The fact that they cannot understand and manage their emotions – makes them more susceptible. If they feel something is right and others do not agree – they feel hurt and can’t think of any other reason or why others disagree. For them its like they have been betrayed,ignored, or their emotions are not valued – which then creates negative emotions.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. :)

  8. Jodi Heal Now and Forever
    Twitter:

    July 14, 2012 at 5:48 am

    I usually get gentle with my kids when they get angry. Acknowledge them and focus on what it is they are valuing by their anger. I talk about this in my ebook, (free on my blog).

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

      Glad you could relate to the post Jodi!

      Being patient, kind, gentle and understanding with our kids is what best parents can do when children get angry. That’s when our kids need us the most I think. It’s a cry of pain that they feel within, which often takes the form of anger. Hearing them out and respecting their feelings is what most of us need to do. Ah..need to check out your ebook. :)

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

  9. Terry Conti

    July 14, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    Good post on anger in kids. You know as well as I do some adults should also heed the words of your post because anger is anger.

    Yes, as adults we naturally should handle it better but often times many of us don’t. I like the fact that your post says anger should not be suppressed but dealt with in a way as to get to the underlying cause.

    This is so healthy to do. Too many of us think it is taboo to get angry. It’s like shaking a soda bottle and not having any relief.

    We all need to untwist the cap by getting to the root of the problem and realize that anger is normal. What makes anger abnormal is the way we deal with it. The good way to deal with it is to have the proper foundations.

    Thanks for your enlightening post,

    Terry Conti
    Terry Conti recently posted..Opportunity for More TimeMy Profile

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 14, 2012 at 10:13 pm

      Glad you liked the post Terry!

      Yes indeed, anger is anger and anyone who gets angry is not only harming people around them, but also themselves.

      There are most of us who aren’t able to deal with the anger and often the outbursts are towards our own loved ones, or we tend to cross limits that can harm relationships too.Suppressing the anger harms us further I feel and it often takes the form of many kind of diseases that keep building within us, which harm us later in life.

      I guess it’s best to talk out things and resolve issues when you get angry. Yes, it’s not possible to cool down immediately when you are angry, but do so as soon as you cool down – don’t keep it within or forget about it, as it comes back sooner or later.

      Absolutely! Get to the root of the problem and resolve issues before they become major issues. We just need to find appropriate ways to deal with it and teach the same to your kids as well.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s nice to have you over. :)

  10. sally brown

    July 15, 2012 at 12:41 am

    Hi Leena,

    This is such a thorough look at why children get angry. When their parents are ones who act out their anger, it shows the example to kids that it is okay to act or lash out when angry. Just the opposite is also true. If a parent doesn’t act out on their anger, it helps teach the children that it is okay to be angry, but not to hurt yourself or anyone else when you are angry.

    I made a decision early on in my child rearing days to never discipline my children when I was angry. I would make them go to their room and wait until I was not angry before I came to them and disciplined them. My kids hated waiting, but it also helped to teach them that controlling anger is important. I wasn’t a great parent by any means, but I did do somethings right. Usually I had to learn each principle before I could teach it to them. LOL

    Great article. Leena!
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    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 15, 2012 at 1:24 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Sally!

      Yes indeed, it’s always the parents who are role models for their kids, especially when they are young. Children see their parents get angry and do the same, or want to experiment things just the way their parents do. I guess parents need to find ways to get angry in a proper way or be careful about what they or do things, because their kids are always listening to all that’s being said.

      I liked your method of not disciplining or coming in-front of your kids when you were angry, which is good as your kids didn’t see that part of you. Guess sometimes as parents we can also get unruly and when one is angry, most people go out of control and realize things only later. And by then the damage is already done – isn’t it?

      Your children must have seen and learnt to get away and return only when they controlled their temper or when their anger came down, as they saw you do the same. That’s wonderful indeed and it shows you were a great parent! :)

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s nice to have you over. :)

      • sally brown

        July 16, 2012 at 7:18 am

        Leena,

        I always love reading your stuff. You are a very talented and engaging writer. Sally

        • Harleena Singh
          Twitter:

          July 16, 2012 at 8:05 am

          Glad you appreciate the posts Sally!

          My aim is always to help people in some way or the other, by sharing my own experiences and all that I’ve learnt along the way.

          Thanks for those warm and kind words. You too are wonderful yourself and I appreciate you a great deal too. :)

  11. Main Uddin
    Twitter:

    July 15, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Kids are always kids, they never try to understand what we feel for their activity or them!! However, my only kid is aged around 2 years but he is in very angry mood always. We must give him things which he asks otherwise he starts crying or throwing them here and there. What should we do for him? Please suggest us.
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    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 15, 2012 at 11:14 am

      Welcome to the blog Main!

      You’re absolutely right that kids will always remain as kids, and they should be like that only. However, your child is just a child presently and you should not expect him to act sensibly or understand everything you do for him.

      Infants act on impulse and instinct, and their emotional development is still under progress. Perhaps he gets angry to seek your attention or as you mentioned because what he wants isn’t given to him. For now, you’ve to try your best to understand his basic needs and moods by decoding his behavior and actions, and reciprocate in a way that makes him feel good. Though you give him things what he wishes for, but along side explain to him the proper way to ask for something.

      However, if things carry on the same way after another year or so even after you try to make him understand in your own way, then I suggest you need to start guiding him and showing him how he can express his anger in an appropriate way. But yes, don’t keep giving in to his tantrums or give all that he asks for every time, or else he will think that he can always have his way.

      This is a stage of selfless parenting, so do not expect any type of understanding from your child, but I’m sure if you continue to be understanding, loving, and dedicated, your child will inherit such qualities and behavior and will probably be the understanding kinds that you wish for.

      Hope this helps. And thanks for stopping by. :)

  12. Dilip

    July 15, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Very insightful analysis spruced with great quotes.

    Yet I must confess I never associated little children with anger – in fact I always believed that they are bundles of spontaneous joy and creativity. But when they start becoming older and get influenced by the world yes they do get angry and resentful.

    Thanks.
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    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 16, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      Glad you liked the post Dilip!

      Ah yes…I guess I can’t really do without quotes – they add so much more meaning to the post – isn’t it?

      Most of us take kids to be bundles of joy and happiness. However, that’s the case when they are happy and content, which doesn’t happen for long. Just as we adults feel so many emotions, feeling anger is natural with kids too. That happens more so when parents don’t give in to their demands or try to discipline them.

      Even infants and small kids get angry but because they can’t say what’s bothering them, it becomes tougher for parents. I guess they need to be guided and showed the right way to get angry.

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

      • Dilip

        July 16, 2012 at 5:49 pm

        Yes Harleena your point is quite valid. Guess it is the parents who must learn the finer points of parenting to be able to handle the little ones.

        Thanks so much
        Dilip recently posted..Greetings from BrazilMy Profile

        • Harleena Singh
          Twitter:

          July 16, 2012 at 8:24 pm

          Yes Dilip, there is absolutely no harm in learning more about parenting, which will only make us better – isn’t it?

          Thanks :)

  13. Mila Araujo
    Twitter:

    July 16, 2012 at 4:07 am

    My daughter was always very expressive (read temper tantrums) from a young age – about 4 or 5 I tried to talk to her as much as possible and give her opportunities to express that anger in words. I insisted that she learn to use the phrase “I’m frustrated because” and try and express in words. It was a lot of work, it took a lot of patience. It helped clarify things many times and at least she felt listened to.

    But as you so well expressed, anger is an emotion and it’s natural to feel it as children and adults – if we listen to our kids and try and address the issues – I think that’s doing the very best we can. It’s definitely not easy, and if we can’t make progress – well then maybe it’s a good plan to talk to the pediatrician and see if what you’ve got going on is normal or may indicate something more – like in the examples you site above.

    Thanks for this great post :)
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    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 16, 2012 at 12:17 pm

      Welcome to the blog Mila!

      Nice to know more about your daughter. I feel perhaps she was wanting something that she wasn’t being given or perhaps you were disciplining her, or it can also be that she was seeking your attention. Often time kids that age have such reasons to get angry.

      It’s good that you showed her a way to express her anger by using such words, so that she and you both know that something is wrong and she needs your attention. Yes indeed, at that young an age if you were able to guide her to express her feelings, especially when she was angry is wonderful.

      As parents, the best we can do for our kids is hear them out, whether they are angry or not. It means a lot to them if they have parents who are all ears to them. It is a good option to seek help from your pediatrician if things aren’t going well or if as a parent you are having problems handling your child when they get angry. However, I feel no one knows a child as well as the parents do. And at that young an age hit and trials work best with your kids.

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

  14. Anne
    Twitter:

    July 16, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    I think you’re right that parents feel threatened when kids get angry. I always have to remind myself that my pre-teen son’s anger is not directed at me – but to the world in general. :-)

    He’s not a very talkative boy. He’s also dyslexic and this sometimes interfere with the way he sees himself. He’s never out of control or disrespectful – none of my kids are. He’s a fantastic, well-behaved boy. He’s kind and great with younger kids. He just gets angry – sometimes for no apparent reason. Then he shuts up and doesn’t speak. He walks around the house with his head bowed, moping.

    I try talking with him. And he angrier he is, the more I make it my duty to reward good behaviour or any attempts he makes to communicate. I hug him more too, and try to joke with him more often. I love it when he comes out of his little ‘angry shell’ to be the fun child I know. His anger is definitely due to hormones. I can tell. His sister was the same way when she was his age and now (at 14+ I can’t get her arms off me. We’re very close).
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    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 17, 2012 at 9:42 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Anne!

      Kids can get angry for so many reasons that it sometimes get tough to really pinpoint the main one, or whether it is at us or the world in general. Or sometimes it’s their own frustrations that bothers them, and kids nearing their teens often aren’t very expressive with their parents, unless there is a good channel of communication with them right from the start.

      Nice to know more about your son, and I think being more on the quiet side and yet being respectful and in control is wonderful, which is quite similar to my elder daughters nature too. Sometimes kids who are always good with others tend to get angry, which I feel is an outlet of their pent up emotions, especially when they are not the talkative kinds. But after getting angry they should ideally talk about what really bothered them or even if there was nothing, just expressing their views and talking does help.

      I think you are already trying your best to make him open up or communicate when he is angry. Do try to talk to him about it after his anger has cooled down, perhaps he can discuss it all out then once he is in a lighter mood. And yes, hormones that age play havoc! My younger one is just about crossing that age too, so I see her experience the various shades of emotions that touch the highs and lows too. But just like you, I know it is a passing phase and like my elder one, she too will pass through with ease. We as parents just need to remain calm and patient during such times.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. :)

  15. Vidya Sury
    Twitter:

    July 17, 2012 at 9:43 am

    Anger is good and best expressed. Even when we cannot let the person who affected us know about it, a good energetic physical activity can be soothing. I like the points you’ve made – :-) I find it very hard to get angry but I do know that being that way and holding it in can be very bad for health.
    :D These days anger is very easy to bring up – all it takes is opening the newspaper and reading the headlines.

    I always thought my son was a serene kinda chap – he is, actually. But when he gets angry, we let him get it out of his system and come to terms with whatever is bugging him. We have certain unspoken rules at home – no shouting matches. No loud arguments in front of Vidur. Disagreements yes – we are all individuals and have our own opinions about everything – but never take it to the “fight” stage. Always aim for healthy discussions – and if it looks like continuing, we do it privately.

    A loving environment goes a long way in nurturing healthy emotions. Unreasonable anger – allowed to fester, never helps anyone.

    Great post, Harleena. And very relevant. Children’s stress is a serious issue. I am writing a post about it. I’ll be linking to your post when I post mine :D

    Love, Vidya

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 17, 2012 at 10:03 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Vidya!

      Yes indeed, we do need to express our anger so that it doesn’t harm us within. Exercise or even taking up any kind of hobby that tends to make you physically active and diverts your mind more so helps a great deal. Wow! Don’t tell me you never get angry! Or perhaps you do and don’t show it and keep it within yourself or get working at some other things, which takes your mind away. ( I say this because I do get angry, and this is what I do when I don’t have anyone around to share my thoughts with!)

      I know Vidur is an amazing kid, so unlike a teenager actually and you are lucky to have such a son. I guess guiding him how to manage his anger when he was young has helped him and all of you deal with the situation whenever he gets angry. It does help if such guidance is given from a young age. And kids pick up from their parents, so if you decided and made it a rule not to have arguments in-front of your son, he’s learnt that there are going to be no loud voices and seen how you manage and handle such situations.

      Healthy and open discussions are a must in each family, something we do a great deal of and I notice even the kids love that family time we have together. Yes indeed, children are as stressed as adults nowadays and their stresses though may be different from ours, but they sure are a great deal for them to handle. I had written a post last year on stress in the family, and another post on how to cope with family stress too, dealing with the problem of stress if you would like to read through.

      Please feel free to link up whenever your post is ready Vidya. :)

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. Always nice to have you over. :)

  16. Hiten
    Twitter:

    July 18, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    This was such a helpful post, because I learnt some great things for when I have kids. Hopefully this will be soon! :-)

    A key point I’ve taken from your post is to remind myself why I used to get angry when I was a child, in order to really understand why the young person is angry. With adults being adults, I can see how one might forget to remember, how they too used to get angry as youngsters and why.

    And I loved how you said anger is the symptom of a deeper cause. This allows us to see beyond the anger, and really help children solve the problem they are experiencing.

    This was a brilliant and comprehensive post, and I’m bookmarking it in the folder for when I have my own kids.

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 19, 2012 at 9:55 pm

      Glad you liked the post Hiten!

      Oh yes! I’m sure it’s got something for those who aren’t yet parents because you can be careful right from the start. :)

      Like I mentioned above, there is always a reason why each one of us get angry, which includes kids too. But sometimes don’t we just get angry for no reason whatsoever or it’s just our foul moods that make us angry. And yes, we often forget why we get angry as adults, nor do we remember what caused to get angry when we were younger as that would be a lesson to learn and pass on to our own kids – isn’t it?

      I do feel that anger has it roots deep seated within us for which we need to express or take it out of our system by finding out it’s root cause. Similarly, with kids, they need to be guided right from the start as to how best they can express their anger, so that it doesn’t affect them internally.

      Thanks for stopping by and it’s kind of you to bookmark the post for using it when you have kids. I’m sure with a parent like you, your kids wouldn’t get that angry. :)

      • Hiten
        Twitter:

        July 19, 2012 at 11:27 pm

        Hi Harleena,

        Indeed, if we did remember why we got angry when we were kids, then this would be an excellent lesson for kids. I can see how this would work really well.

        Thanks for your kind words about me being a parent! :-)

        • Harleena Singh
          Twitter:

          July 19, 2012 at 11:35 pm

          It would help a great deal if we manage to learn from our younger days when we got angry or how we managed that anger, as it would help raise our kids better I feel.

          You are most welcome Hiten and I am sure you would make a wonderful parent. :)

  17. Debbie
    Twitter:

    July 23, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    You have done it again Harleena. Children learn by getting angry.
    We has parents have to have learn patience with there angry and teach them to use it correctly.

    You brought up allergys and yes, this can make a big difference. one of my daughters has food allergys and if she ate the wrong thing you did pay a price, LOL

    Some times children get angry because of frustration and as a parent when we take the time to listen and understand can make a big difference.

    When my children would throw that big tantrum i would let them and than ask them if they were through and anything they would like to talk about.,

    Many times they would look at me and say, “I’m better now” and would just say good glad you feel better. Though there were times we would have to talk about the right places to have those tantrums. LOl

    Thanks again and have a wonderful day,
    Blessings,
    DEbbie

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 25, 2012 at 8:22 am

      Glad you could resonate with the post Debbie!

      Yes indeed, just as it’s human nature for us to get angry, similar is the case with kids. All that’s needed is that we as parents guide them to express their anger in a better way, which helps them especially when they grow up.

      I never really knew that allergies could be a reason to why kids can get angry, till I read about it myself. It amazed me too and made me wonder that there could be many more such reasons that we don’t really know about, which could cause kids to get angry. I guess we just need to keep a look out for the signs and consult the doctors.

      I think you did the right thing to let your kids get angry when they felt the anger, which is very important for them because they need to express their feelings and not keep it within. As parents we need to ask them the reason for their anger, but only once they get over their anger and are in a better frame of mind to talk about it.

      However, once kids enter their teens they feel they are big enough to manage their own anger and really don’t like sharing the reason, unless they are really asked repeatedly. One of my kids needs to be asked, before she tells us the reason, while the other one I think just gets angry for no reason most of the time, which is when we keep telling her to cool off and take things lightly. :)

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. :)

  18. Ruth Zive

    July 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Very thorough and informative Harleena!

    With five children – I find that each one struggles with varying degrees of anger and frustration. And the greatest challenge, as parent, is to maintain my composure, not invest too much in their mood, and just support them calmly and without engaging. Not always easy – but the most reliable antidote to anger, in my opinion.

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      July 24, 2012 at 11:08 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Ruth!

      Ah…yes – no one would know about why children get angry better than you with five of them to handle! I do marvel at your patience with each one of them, and how you manage to find time to write so well. :)

      Yes indeed, it must be so tough to keep your cool when your kids get angry. Each one of them being different, needs to be handled with care and need your undivided attention. Hats-off to you!

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

  19. Neha

    August 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I am also a short tempered girl but whenever my mom talks to me with Love, I forget my anger and start to laugh, and then my mom and me enjoy a lot. She is too loving and caring to me.

    Mostly kids get angry for not fulfilling their expectations – so never increase their expectations. Also parents should not react when kids make mistakes. If parents react in +ve manner for kids, kids will not accept their mistakes.

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      August 3, 2012 at 11:06 pm

      Glad you could resonate with the post Neha!

      Some children get angry, but as in your case, when they are spoken to with love, they become absolutely alright. I guess what matters most is that we as parents learn the best way to handle our children and their anger with love, care, attention, and understanding.

      Kids get angry for so many reasons, which are hard to define. But yes, in most of the cases children get angry when their demands are not fulfilled. And parents should let their children know of the mistakes made, though handle them with care so that they learn about their mistakes and know how to handle them.

      Thanks for stopping by. :)

  20. Chloe Wallace

    April 30, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I had the same situation with my youngest sister. She’s 10 years old and gets angry with no reason at all. It’s like she’s just acting like that to get our attention. Now I know why. I can also adopt this knowledge for future use to be a better parent someday.

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      May 7, 2013 at 11:59 am

      Hi Chole,

      Glad you could relate to the post, and yes, some children get angry for no reason too. I agree, she might be trying to seek attention this ways as she wasn’t getting it the normal way due to whatever the reason may’ve been.

      Thanks for stopping by and I hope these tips help you whenever you need them later too. :)

  21. Prince Ramgarhia
    Twitter:

    May 6, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    Nice and interesting post. I always wanted to learn something about children and I found it very interesting to know why children get angry. I enjoyed the post. Thanks

    • Harleena Singh
      Twitter:

      May 7, 2013 at 11:57 am

      Hi Prince,

      Glad you liked this post on why children get angry, and I hope you could learn something from it.

      Thanks for stopping by :)

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