Table of Contents
Having an affair after marriage is not uncommon. It’s not only men who’ve extramarital affairs, women too have affairs with other men while being married. We get many queries on our blog asking how to know if my husband or wife is having an affair? Well, sure there are signs of your spouse having an affair and we’ve described them in this updated post. But you also need to understand why men or women have affairs – what drives them to take this step. We hope that with this knowledge you’ll be able to bring changes in yourself and in your relationship to negate chances of any partner having an affair in the future. ~ Ed.
If you feel your spouse is having an affair, you need to look out for the signs. And also understand the reasons behind why your husband or wife is cheating on you.
Is it you, or something else that led your spouse to have an affair?
Is it just boredom that’s taking people away from their spouse – or could there be any other reasons?
Why has your partner suddenly turned indifferent towards you? Where has the love gone? Need answers to these questions – then read on.
It all starts with small drifts in the marriage and expectations that do not fulfill.
Don’t undermine these drifts because these only drive a partner to get into an external love affair.
Nowadays with technology on your fingertips, having an affair sitting at home has become common. You might not even know about your spouse’s affair because he or she may tend to become a perfect liar.
If you are married, or been in a relationship earlier, you’d be able to relate to the post. And if you aren’t married – it sure is a lesson for you to learn before you get married so you or your partner do not feel to the need to have extramarital affairs!
Let’s try and understand a little more about affairs and why they occur before we jump onto learning the signs that foretell your partner is in an affair with someone else.
What Is An Affair
According to Wikipedia, an affair is a sexual relationship, a romantic friendship, or a passionate attachment between two people.
On the other hand, an extramarital affair specifically means having a relationship outside your marriage, where there is illicit sexual or romantic relationship, or just a romantic or passionate friendship.
Not to mention, nowadays you even have online affairs that occur through the Internet. You start off as anonymous friends, kindle remote romance, and later might indulge in adultery.
Like the face-to-face affairs, these can be casual or spontaneous affairs, and even show serious personal involvement.
Most of these occur between strangers who might have never met, though they are close to each other as they share their intimate information.
But why do people have affairs? Aren’t they happy in their marriage, or are they looking for something beyond their marriage, which they find in another person. Let’s find out the reasons for having an affair.
Understanding Why People Have Affairs
There is always a reason why a husband or wife strays in their marriage. Years ago, marriages had lesser conflicts because there was more understanding.
Husbands supported their family, while wives took care of the home and children, in most of the cases.
Nowadays, people expect a lot more from their marriage. Couples have to balance two lives – they have to work and take care of their family and children.
Women are still mainly responsible for taking care of their kids, and now even work to support the family, while men are expected to be good breadwinners and ‘sensitive’ at the same time.
Even sex with your spouse has pressure – how often, when, what kind of orgasm, satisfaction level etc. Many couples seek an outlet for their pressures of life.
Some take to the gym, exercise, games, sports, yoga, meditation, or take to antidepressants, while others might result in having an affair.
It all depends on the choices people make, and the kind of attitude they have that results in their decision.
“The best love affairs are those we never had.” ~ Norman Lindsay
It could be that you don’t have any love at all in your relationship, or you feel the kind of love you get is below your expectations, or that you deserve more and better.
So, you might desperately seek it from another person outside your marriage.
You don’t always intentionally want to have an affair. But once involved, you believe that you can keep it hidden in one corner of your life.
You might erroneously feel that you aren’t hurting anyone, as no one knows of it.
Having an affair enables the person to be more sexually adventurous – in ways they couldn’t have done with their spouse.
Reasons For Having An Affair
There are many reasons why people have affairs within their marriage as mentioned below.
- Loneliness – When you and your spouse don’t feel close enough to share everything, it could lead you both to seek out closeness outside your marriage.
- Differences – Arguments, fights, and differences within your marriage might make you believe that your partner doesn’t care for you. This could lead to infidelity or even divorce.
- Incapability – Lack of interest of your spouse in having an intimate relationship could turn you towards a person who would want it. Having an affair is but natural for some people in this case. They feel it’s their right, and think it’s justified.
- Excitement – If the, love, excitement and understanding is missing in the marriage, you and your partner may have affairs with those who are able to give them all of these.
- Unhappiness – Boredom, sadness or dullness in the marriage can lead you or your spouse to have an affair. Sometimes it occurs in mid-life crisis too when a partner wants to change their life or wants more out of life.
- Revenge – Getting back at their spouse because they are angry – yes, some people start having affairs to vent their anger. Some even do that to retaliate when they come to know of their spouse’s affair.
- Suffocation – If you feel suffocated in a marriage, you might feel that having an affair would be a good escape as it takes you away from your spouse for a while.
- Incompatibility – When a spouse feels he or she has found a soul mate who complements and shares similar thoughts and views – it make them believe they were meant to be together. This happens because they are no longer compatible with their own spouse.
- Abuse – If you experience abuse in your marriage, and if your spouse is constantly hitting you or battering your self-esteem, you find a good outlet in an affair.
- Sexuality – If they are gay men and lesbians who are in a heterosexual marriage. They stay in a marriage to keep their families intact or don’t want to hurt their spouse. But they have an affair because they want a sexual relationship also with someone of their own gender.
Now you know why men or women have affairs.
I hope you get some idea why your husband or wife is having an affair.
An affair can create a crisis for married couples. It affects the marital relationship, whether the spouse knows about it or not, because the signs are so evident.
The spouse who has an affair is so preoccupied with his or her lover that it affects their ability to connect with their spouse.
When a spouse discovers that there is an existing affair, he or she WILL be angry, shattered, and heart-broken from being lied to and deceived. Some try various measures hiring detectives or buying app to catch cheating partner and settle scores.
All of this can lead to bad marriages, separation, or even divorce.
Even the spouse having an affair feels guilty for hurting their partner. While some believe they are entitled to their share of happiness – and if it means being with another person – so be it.
However, there are certain signs that your spouse might be having an affair that can help you to make amends in your relationship before it’s too late.
Signs Your Spouse (Husband/Wife) Is Having An Affair
You need to keep a check on these indicators that show your partner is heading for an affair.
I need to mention here that these signs are similar to those of a relationship that is disconnected due to other reasons. And these might actually not be the signs of having an affair.
However, the signs of married people having an affair often are quite similar to these.
1. Your gut feeling says so
When things aren’t good between both of you or there are problems in your marriage, and you get that gut feeling or instinct that something’s not right.
Why? Because you are leading different lives, remain distant, keep arguing or fighting, don’t make love as often as you used to, and don’t have fun being together any longer.
Your gut feeling at times might be out of fear or jealousy, or your spouse spending more time with buddies or the gym might just be to do something different for a while. Just be sure before you suspect.
2. Your spouse spends more time and money, but not on you
Yes, there could be other reasons for this like gambling, picking up a hobby, or lack of time from their work. But it usually indicates they are having an affair because they aren’t spending that time with you.
Your spouse might be spending more time at the work place, gym, or make friends with those who stay out late nights.
This might happen because there’s a problem between both of you, and could lead to an affair.
Or your partner may spend more time on chats, dating sites, Internet, emails just to be with that one specific person. They might do all of these so secretly that you might never know.
Your spouse might want more privacy and start locking things. Sometimes they might just put passwords on their emails and other accounts, which they hadn’t earlier.
Or they might shut off their computer the moment you walk in, or remain very secretive about their cell phones, messages, and use the bathroom for it!
Your spouse spends time and money on the new found lover, and might spend a lot more to remain secretive about it, like take up hotel rooms etc.
So, if you see your bank balance drop from what it was earlier, or your credit card shows funny figures, and your spouse did not tell you about the expenses, you can guess where it’s all gone! I guess the signs will tell you all.
3. Major change in your spouse’s behavior towards you
This might be a huge indicator that your spouse is having an affair.
When you are no longer friends with your spouse, signs like lack of phone calls, not hugging or kissing, or making love as you used to earlier – all indicate that something isn’t right. It could be a sign of an affair.
Sometimes there might not be negative changes at all. Your spouse might do things he or she never did before like bring you flowers, be extra happy, and call you often.
They do this to make up for the guilt, though of course, many do it in the right spirit also – so don’t get me wrong there 🙂
4. Shows interest in their own appearance
In your relationship, between the both of you, there wouldn’t be any formal ways of dressing up, or you wouldn’t bother much about how you look as you are used to each other the way you are.
But what happens in your spouse suddenly changes his or her ways of dressing or looking!
I’ve often seen people in their 40’s and 50’s who have never had interest in their physique or looks, and all of a sudden it becomes an obsession with them. They try to look younger than their age!
But if your spouse suddenly starts to groom himself or herself, dresses up often, and if these things become priority – it might be that they are having an affair and want to impress another person.
5. Change in your sex life
When things are going on normally between both of you, and suddenly there is a change- it could be a sign of an affair.
There could be an increase, or decrease interest in sex. Your spouse might want to try out new things that you’ve never tried before. Or they just might not be in the mood any more.
Slight indications could mean nothing at all, so don’t get me wrong there. But these could be a cause of concern that your spouse might be having an affair.
6. Your partner avoids you
The common signs begin when your partner starts taking a lot of business trips out of town, or remain busy for days, or spend late nights at the office.
I guess you can make out these are the stereotype signs indicating that your partner might be heading for an affair.
Again, there could be genuine cases where the work demands a lot of travelling. So, please don’t doubt your spouse if he/she IS really working hard to make ends meet.
However, judge your intuition in such cases and have proof in hand before you start suspecting your spouse.
Sometimes due to conflicts or disconnection in a marriage you may even take these indications to be signs of having an affair, which may or may not be so.
Like, your spouse isn’t available on phone for longer periods as before. Or, the cell phone is always on silent or switched off.
Your don’t express your love to each other as you did before, or you just don’t see enough of each other.
Nor is there any conversations or love talks because your spouse has other things to do that take him/her away from you – they start avoiding you.
I mention again here – that these might not be signs of an affair, but they could be too.
7. Your spouse is always angry, agitated, or irritated with you
While anger is a part of most of us, but if your spouse gets angry for no apparent reason, it could be that he or she is having an affair.
Of course, if anger is part of your spouse’s nature – don’t think he or she is having an affair!
It might not be that they are cheating. But it can be an indicator that they are seeking another outside their marriage.
They take out their frustration and anger because they are guilty of their behavior. But again – not in all cases.
Wrapping It Up
These might not even be signs of having an affair after all, but you do need to be careful and find out the reasons for their change in behavior.
“Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.” ~ Joseph Campbell
Here’s a video that gives all the details about the warning signs of cheating by partners in a personal relationship. Hope it helps.
6 Warning Signs a Partner Is Cheating | Jealousy & Affairs ~ Howcast
When your husband or wife is having an affair, whatever may be the reason, you need to talk things out with your spouse and clear your doubts.
You need to ask them to be honest, and discuss things in a calm and courteous manner. But be prepared for lies too, because people having an affair are excellent liars.
If you can’t talk, seek professional help, or ask your family and friends to help out. There are various things you can do when you know your spouse is having an affair, which I’ll discuss in another post.
Marriage affairs do not necessarily mean the end of marriage.
Remember, keeping your marriage fresh and alive lies in your hands. If you feel your spouse is heading for an affair, or already having an affair – talk it all out before it gets too late.
Communication IS the key to resolve relationship problems. Hold on to your marriage with both hands, and love your spouse as before. Get the spark and happiness back in your marriage! Have a love affair with your spouse. 🙂
Over to you –
Why do you feel people have affairs? Do you know of any other reasons and signs in relationships indicating that the spouse might be having an affair? Share your views below.
Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos