7 Top Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Having An Affair

Profile photo of Harleena Singh - | 80 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Love & Relationships

a man sitting with arms over a woman who secretly is having an affair holding hands with her lover

If you feel your spouse is having an affair, you need to look out for the signs and understand the reasons behind why your husband or wife is cheating on you.

Is it you, or something else that led them to have an affair? Why have they suddenly turned indifferent towards you? Where has the love gone? Need answers to these questions – then read on.

Nowadays with technology on your fingertips, having an affair sitting at home has become common. You might not even know about your spouse’s affair because they tend to become perfect liars.

Today’s post came to mind as I’ve seen and read about so many people drifting apart in their marriages.

Some examples are present in my friend’s circle, while others one reads about in the newspapers and the Internet is full of these too.

It made me wonder whether they were having an affair, or is it just boredom that’s taking them away from their spouse – or are there any other reasons involved.

If you are married, or been in a relationship earlier, you’d be able to relate to the post. And if you aren’t married – it sure is a lesson for you to learn before you get married!

Let’s try and understand a little more about affairs and why they occur.

What Is An Affair

According to Wikipedia, an affair is a sexual relationship, a romantic friendship, or a passionate attachment between two people.

On the other hand, an extramarital affair specifically means having a relationship outside your marriage, where there is illicit sexual or romantic relationship, or just a romantic or passionate friendship.

Not to mention, nowadays you even have online affairs that occur through the Internet. You start off as anonymous friends, kindle remote romance, and later might indulge in adultery.

Like the face-to-face affairs, these can be casual or spontaneous affairs, and even show serious personal involvement.

Most of these occur between strangers who might have never met, though they are close to each other as they share their intimate information.

But why do people have affairs? Aren’t they happy in their marriage, or are they looking for something beyond their marriage, which they find in another person. Let’s find out the reasons for having an affair.

Understanding Why People Have Affairs

There is always a reason why a husband or wife strays in their marriage. Years ago, marriages had lesser conflicts because there was more understanding.

Husbands supported their family, while wives took care of the home and children, in most of the cases.

Nowadays, people expect a lot more from their marriage. Couples have to balance two lives – they have to work and take care of their family and children.

Women are still mainly responsible for taking care of their kids, and now even work to support the family, while men are expected to be good breadwinners and ‘sensitive’ at the same time.

Even sex with your spouse has pressure – how often, when, what kind of orgasm, satisfaction level etc. Many couples seek an outlet for their pressures of life.

Some take to the gym, exercise, games, sports, yoga, meditation, or take to antidepressants, while others might result in having an affair.

It all depends on the choices people make, and the kind of attitude they have that results in their decision.

“The best love affairs are those we never had.” ~ Norman Lindsay

It could be that you don’t have any love at all in your relationship, or you feel the kind of love you get is below your expectations, or that you deserve more and better.

So, you might desperately seek it from another person outside your marriage.

You don’t always intentionally want to have an affair, but once involved, you believe that you can keep it hidden in one corner of your life.

You might erroneously feel that you aren’t hurting anyone, as no one knows of it.

Having an affair enables the person to be more sexually adventurous – in ways they couldn’t have done with their spouse.

Reasons For Having An Affair

There are many reasons why people have affairs within their marriage as mentioned below.

  • Loneliness – When you and your spouse don’t feel close enough to share everything, it could lead you both to seek out closeness outside your marriage.
  • Differences – Arguments, fights, and differences within your marriage might make you believe that your partner doesn’t care for you. This could lead to infidelity or even divorce.
  • Incapability – Lack of interest of your spouse in having an intimate relationship could turn you towards a person who would want it. Having an affair is but natural for some people in this case. They feel it’s their right, and think it’s justified.
  • Excitement – If the, love, excitement and understanding is missing in the marriage, you and your partner may have affairs with those who are able to give them all of these.
  • Unhappiness – Boredom, sadness or dullness in the marriage can lead you or your spouse to have an affair. Sometimes it occurs in mid-life crisis too when a partner wants to change their life or wants more out of life.
  • Revenge – Getting back at their spouse because they are angry – yes, some people start having affairs to vent their anger. Some even do that to retaliate when they come to know of their spouse’s affair.
  • Suffocation – If you feel suffocated in a marriage, you might feel that having an affair would be a good escape as it takes you away from your spouse for a while.
  • Incompatibility – When a spouse feels he or she has found a soul mate who complements and shares similar thoughts and views – it make them believe they were meant to be together. This happens because they are no longer compatible with their own spouse.
  • Abuse – If you are abused in your marriage, and if your spouse is constantly hitting you or battering your self-esteem, you find a good outlet in an affair.
  • Sexuality – If they are gay men and lesbians who are in a heterosexual marriage. They stay in a marriage to keep their families intact or don’t want to hurt their spouse. But they have an affair because they want a sexual relationship also with someone of their own gender.

Having an affair creates a crisis for the married couple. An affair affects the marital relationship, whether the spouse knows about it or not, because the signs are so evident.

The spouse who has an affair is so preoccupied with his or her lover that it affects their ability to connect with their spouse.

When a spouse discovers that there is an existing affair, he or she WILL be angry, shattered, and heart-broken from being lied to and deceived.

All of this can lead to bad marriages, separation, or even divorce.

Even the spouse having an affair feels guilty for hurting their partner, while some believe they are entitled to their share of happiness – and if it means being with another person – so be it.

However, there are certain signs that your spouse might be having an affair that can help you to make amends in your relationship before it’s too late.

man and woman having an extramarital affair

Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Having An Affair

You need to keep a check on these indicators that show your partner is heading for an affair.

I need to mention here that these signs are similar to those of a relationship that is disconnected due to other reasons, and might actually not be the signs of having an affair.

However, the signs of having an affair often are quite similar to these.

1 Your gut feeling says so

When things aren’t good between both of you or there are problems in your marriage, and you get that gut feeling or instinct that something’s not right.

Why? Because you are leading different lives, remain distant, keep arguing or fighting, don’t make love as often as you used to, and don’t have fun being together any longer.

Your gut feeling at times might be out of fear or jealousy, or your spouse spending more time with buddies or the gym might just be to do something different for a while. Just be sure before you suspect.

2Your spouse spends more time and money, but not on you

Yes, there could be other reasons for this like gambling, picking up a hobby, or lack of time from their work, but it usually indicates they are having an affair because they aren’t spending that time with you.

Your spouse might be spending more time at the work place, gym, or make friends with those who stay out late nights.

This might happen because there’s a problem between both of you, and could lead to an affair.

Or your partner may spend more time on chats, dating sites, Internet, emails just to be with that one specific person. They might do all of these so secretly that you might never know.

Your spouse might want more privacy and start locking things. Sometimes they might just put passwords on their emails and other accounts, which they hadn’t earlier.

Or they might shut off their computer the moment you walk in, or remain very secretive about their cell phones, messages, and use the bathroom for it!

Your spouse spends time and money on the new found lover, and might spend a lot more to remain secretive about it, like take up hotel rooms etc.

So, if you see your bank balance drop from what it was earlier, or your credit card showing funny figures, and you haven’t been told about the expenses, you can guess where it’s all gone! I guess the signs will tell you all.

3Major change in your spouse’s behavior towards you

This might be a huge indicator that your spouse is having an affair.

When you are no longer friends with your spouse, signs like lack of phone calls, not hugging or kissing, or making love as you used to earlier – all indicate that something isn’t right. It could be a sign of an affair.

Sometimes there might not be negative changes at all, and they might do things they never did before like bring you flowers, be extra happy, and call you often.

They do this to make up for the guilt, though of course, many do it in the right spirit also – so don’t get me wrong there 🙂

4Shows interest in their own appearance

In your relationship, between the both of you, there wouldn’t be any formal ways of dressing up, or you wouldn’t bother much about how you look as you are used to each other the way you are.

But what happens in your spouse suddenly changes his or her ways of dressing or looking!

I’ve often seen people in their 40’s and 50’s who have never had interest in their physique or looks, and all of a sudden it becomes an obsession with them. They try to look younger than their age!

But if your spouse suddenly starts to groom himself or herself, dresses up often, and if these things become priority – it might be that they are having an affair and want to impress another person.

5Change in your sex life

When things are going on normally between both of you, and suddenly there is a change- it could be a sign of an affair.

There could be an increase, or decrease interest in sex. Your spouse might want to try out new things that you’ve never tried before. Or they just might not be in the mood any more.

Slight indications could mean nothing at all, so don’t get me wrong there – but these could be a cause of concern that your spouse might be having an affair.

6Your partner avoids you

The common signs begin when your partner starts taking a lot of business trips out of town, or remain busy for days, or spend late nights at the office.

I guess you can make out these are stereotyped signs indicating that your partner might be headed for an affair.

Again, there could be genuine cases where the work demands a lot of travelling, so please don’t doubt your spouse if he/she IS really working hard to make ends meet.

However, judge your intuition in such cases and have proof in hand before you start suspecting your spouse.

Sometimes due to conflicts or disconnection in a marriage you may even take these indications to be signs of having an affair, which may or may not be so.

Like, your spouse isn’t available on phone for longer periods as before, or the cell phone is always on silent or switched off.

Your don’t express your love to each other as you did before, or you just don’t see enough of each other.

Nor is there any conversations or love talks because your spouse has other things to do that take him/her away from you – they start avoiding you.

I mention again here – that these might not be signs of an affair, but they could be too.

7Your spouse is always angry, agitated, or irritated with you

While anger is a part of most of us, but if your spouse gets angry for no apparent reason or has just started off this kind of behavior, it could be that he or she is having an affair.

Of course, if anger is part of your spouse’s nature – don’t think he or she is having an affair!

It might not be that they are cheating, but it can be an indicator that they are seeking another outside their marriage.

They take out their frustration and anger because they are guilty of their behavior. But again – not in all cases.

These might not even be signs of having an affair after all, but you do need to be careful and find out the reasons for their change in behavior.

“Marriage is not a simple love affair, it’s an ordeal, and the ordeal is the sacrifice of ego to a relationship in which two have become one.” ~ Joseph Campbell

Here’s a video that gives all the details about the warning signs of cheating by partners in a personal relationship. Hope it helps.

Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses ~ Dale Atkins ~ YouTube Video

Whatever may be the reason, you need to talk things out with your spouse and clear your doubts.

You need to ask them to be honest, and discuss things in a calm and courteous manner. But be prepared for lies too, because people having an affair are excellent liars.

If you can’t talk, seek professional help, or ask your family and friends to help out. There are various things you can do when you know your spouse is having an affair, which I’ll discuss in another post.

Remember, keeping your marriage fresh and alive lies in your hands. If you feel your spouse is heading for an affair, or already having an affair – talk it all out before it gets too late.

Communication IS the key to resolve relationship problems. Hold on to your marriage with both hands, and love your spouse as before. Get the spark and happiness back in your marriage ! 🙂

Over to you

Why do you feel people have affairs? Do you know of any other reasons and signs in relationships indicating that the spouse might be having an affair? Share your views below.

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos



Show Comments

80 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. Evan

    April 12, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    Well, looks like every word is true. How did you manage to write it so detailed? I was reading and was thinking about my ex… and everything was right… I’m amazed how good you know life. Thanks for posting.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 12, 2013 at 8:55 pm

      Hi Evan,

      Nice to know that you could relate to the post 🙂

      I guess coming from a person like you, who has gone having an affair, means I am on the right track! Well, part of it is what I’ve seen my friends and few close ones undergo, so one can relate to all of that.

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  2. babanature

    April 13, 2013 at 4:38 am

    Hello Harleena,

    All of your tips are so right on point. if your partner is cheating on you The first changes you’ll notice is her/his character i know this because i’ve experienced it before. Thanks and have a lovely weekend ahead…

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 7:15 am

      Hi Babanature,

      Glad you liked the tips 🙂

      You would know it best as you’ve gone through it all I guess. And yes, their characters and behavior would be the first things to change, and you can surely make those out in seconds – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by, and enjoy your weekend as well 🙂

  3. Ilka Flood

    April 13, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Whoa! Am I ever glad I don’t have to deal with that. But I can somehow understand where people may go astray in this time and age. There is just so much pressure out there. Also, people seem to don’t take their vows as seriously as our older generation. My husband and I will be married for 33 years in October and neither one of us has ever thought of cheating. Guess we’re just “lucky” to have each other.

    Really great article though, Harleena. Thanks for sharing it with us!

    Ilka

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      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 7:21 am

      Hi Ilka,

      I sure am glad as well and thank my lucky stars 🙂

      Yes, the daily pressures of life tends to get to people at some point of time, and sometimes they just get caught in things. Some regret it later, while others carry it to the other extreme. However, I strongly feel that if their outlook towards life and commitment to their partner is there – they wouldn’t go astray – no matter what the circumstances.

      That’s a very valid point, and that’s why we have so much to learn from our older generations. Wow! 33 years is awesome indeed! You both look so made for each other and are indeed blessed – and may you always remain as happy as you are 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post. Enjoy your weekend too 🙂

  4. Sylviane Nuccio

    April 13, 2013 at 7:08 am

    Hi Harleena,

    This is a very interesting post. One thing that I’d like to say right off the bat is that for the most part, a cheater will cheat again if the occasion is given to him, and no woman should marry someone that they know have cheated their partner or wife before them. This is really a no no. I guess it’s probably the same for females.

    However, many women do fall in that trap with men.

    I personally feel that any man or woman who cheat has not respect and love for their partner, and I don’t feel that they should be forgiven or it would have to be a very darn special case.

    I don’t think that the lady on the video likes cheaters either 😉

    Thanks for sharing this.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 9:08 am

      Hi Sylviane,

      Nice to know that you found it interesting 🙂

      I agree with you there – old habits die hard as they say. But some of them do realize their mistakes and get alright, though the doubt would always remain in the mind I think.

      I ditto your words, and the same should go for men too. If spouses are cheating on their partners and getting together with a new person, what guarantees that they won’t ditch them too.

      The choices always lie in our hands, yet sometimes people tend to chose the wrong path and fall into the trap.

      They shouldn’t be forgiven I agree, but sometimes if they are really sorry and realize their mistakes – perhaps it’s not a bad idea. However, each case is different and it depends a lot on the relationships couples share.

      But yes, such cases are rare as you mentioned, and there are never any guarantees. Most importantly, it’s tough to remove the doubt from your mind that a cheating spouse isn’t cheating when back with you. Yes, the lady in the video said it all, and I loved her list of questions that we can ask ourselves to clear doubts we might have.

      She surely doesn’t like cheaters, though laid out her ways how and what you can do if you feel they should be forgiven, which again doesn’t happen always. Like she said, give them seven days and then check – haven’t tried that out so I can’t say if it works 😉

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post. 🙂

  5. Corina Ramos

    April 13, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Oh my goodness Harleena…I have been dealing with fear for a while now. Allow me to explain…there have been several couples in our circle that are currently going through the aftershock.

    The affairs have already surfaced and they are trying to work on their marriages and I’m so glad because personally, I think if a relationship is worth saving, they should try.

    But I have this fear that it might happen to me. My husband has never given me any reason to think he would and in taking this little quiz, not one sign. But I have this feeling, like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    My husband and I have talked about this as we both have the same fear but we reassure and reaffirm our commitment to each other. But I can’t help but think that these people thought the same as me, that everything was fine and then boom, it’s gone.

    My heart goes out to the folks having to deal with this, especially when children are involved. I always think, I’m a mother, what kind of example would I set for my daughters and likewise with my husband and my sons.

    I agree with you, there is always a reason for an affair. I don’t think people wake up one day and say I think this is the day I’ll cheat on my spouse. The important thing is to communicate and fix any problems to keep that from happening in the first place.

    Thanks for letting me ramble, I needed an outlet 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 9:49 am

      Hi Corina,

      Oh dear…this is actually not good news, especially when you hear about couple going through it – who are part of your friends circle.

      I agree, IF the relationship is worth saving and you know that your spouse won’t cheat again – no harm giving it a try again. However, just like Sylviane mentioned that cheaters shouldn’t be forgiven unless they are special, I really wonder how do we remove the lingering doubt from our minds that it won’t happen again.

      If you heard the lady in the video, she had lots of questions that such spouses need to ask themselves, before they forgive their cheating spouse. Yes, each case is different and what works for one might not work for another. I guess you need to work out the best solution yourself weighing out things between the two of you.

      Ah…I’m sure you have nothing to fear Corina, and all of these fears might have cropped up because a few couples in your friends circle are going through it, and all of us this does affect us too. We start comparing ourselves to them.

      I agree, the kids are the ones who suffer the most if things get worse or head towards a divorce. And yes, just as you mentioned, our kids learn from our ways, and if they see one parent having an affair and feel it’s alright, they might just go ahead and do the same – very possible.

      Oh yes…I strongly believe there is a reason why people have affairs. Although I know there’s no excuse for having an affair and cheating on your partner, and you can easily find other ways – but sometimes when a spouse reaches a saturation point in their marriage or undergoes the many reasons mentioned in the post – they just break up.

      Communication IS what always works, and if there are problems in a marriage, which all of us have at some point or the other – talking it all out with your spouse is what works best.

      Thanks for stopping by, and this IS the right place because I love your ramblings just as much 🙂

  6. Hossain

    April 13, 2013 at 10:30 am

    This is the common problem in today’s life. Love will happens in every section of our life. But, I think the most beautiful relationship is the relation between husband and wife.

    There is huge differences between love and affair. Love is 100% pure relationship and it makes responsibility to each other. But affair will not.

    This is the well described post about how to identify- your spouse having an affair. Hope you will write about how to solve it..

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 10:54 am

      Hi Hossain,

      Yes indeed, having an affair is a common problem nowadays – something that most married couples have to face. However, if there is happiness in the marriage, along with love and complete understanding – such problems will never arise.

      Marriage is a commitment you make to each other and is based on the love you have for one another, and yes – you are responsible to each other too where your feelings and emotions are concerned. Affair, as defined in the post is none of the above.

      Glad you liked the post, and yes, I would surely be writing about the ways to getting through such affairs as I mentioned towards the end of the post, though after a few weeks. I would have done it all in this post, but it had already become quite lengthy, so kept it for another day.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  7. B K chowla

    April 13, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    Harleena,
    I can vouch for two indicators if your spouse is cheating on you.
    1…There is a distinct change in sexual behaviour.This is one aspect on which there can be no explaination,but,the couple can feel the change in approach.
    2…If ever,the couple has been in genuine love,eyes speak unheard words to shame the one who is cheating.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 13, 2013 at 12:34 pm

      Hi BK,

      Those are sure indicators indeed 🙂

      Change in sexual behavior or your spouse keeping a distance from you, which wasn’t there earlier is a major notable change. Ah…you are right – when you are in love or have been in love – the eyes say it all, and you won’t be able to look straight into your spouse’s eyes if you’ve cheated – the guilt and shame will always be around you.

      Thanks for stopping by, and nailing it right there 🙂

  8. Enstine Muki

    April 13, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Hi Harleena,
    Very educating post here

    Having an extramarital affair is particularly bad and can easily lead to a broken marriage and the consequences on kids and their future is disappointing.

    There is no society where this is encouraged. That explains why those that do it try their best to keep it hidden.

    Some partners (men) never get sexually satisfied. They keep moving from one lady to the other. This is also true for some women but generally, I think men cheat more.

    You covered every point here Harleena. Can you write another post on how to avoid having an affair? I know there are lots of things to do in a couple to keep the love burning. 😉

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 14, 2013 at 2:20 pm

      Hi Enstine,

      Glad you liked the post 🙂

      You’re absolutely right – having an affair when you are married is bound to result in either separation, or a broken marriage and divorce. Unless of course the spouse is kind enough to give the cheating partner a second chance, but then- how does the trust come back once it’s lost.

      Kids are influenced, more so when they see their parents lading their own lives – and that’s what they tend to follow when they grow up. I agree, no society would ever encourage all of this, and more than anything else it’s the guilt and shame that a person has to carry on one’s back all their lives once they have an affair or try to keep it hidden.

      Yes, the level of satisfaction differs and this is another major cause for having affairs, though makes me wonder whether they tried to talk out things with their own partners before seeking out.

      I tired covering up everything Enstine, though I know a lot more could have been written. Had I not been worried about the post length- I might have carried on 🙂

      Ah…that’s a good suggestion – how to avoid having an affair – would surely take that up after I do up what to do once you know your spouse if having an affair – thanks for the suggestion. Oh yes…a lots needs to be done – and you need to keep working on your marriage and NOT take your spouse for granted, one major point we all tend to miss out sometime or the other. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and giving your suggestions. Have a nice weekend 🙂

  9. Shalu Sharma

    April 13, 2013 at 3:19 pm

    Very interesting topic.

    I never thought of this before. But I think in India, its probably all down to sex.
    I am not sure if I will be able to tell. You just can’t trust men, they don’t think with their head. I think those signs you have mentioned are sure tell tale sings to find out if your spouse is having an affair. The question is, suppose if they are having an affair, what do you do then? I am scratching my head now.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 14, 2013 at 3:01 pm

      Hi Shalu,

      Nice to know that you found the topic interesting enough 🙂

      It is to quite an extent with some, though there might be so many reasons we really don’t know about. One can never say what goes on behind the scene and what problems the spouses between themselves.

      Your statement made me smile, though men might say the same thing for women! I agree, once you know they are having an affair – what do you do then – that’s what I intend taking up in my next post – so don’t scratch your head 🙂

      The lady in the video took up some interesting questions that really make you think whether your spouse is having an affair and what you can do.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  10. Oluwaseun Babajide

    April 13, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Out of the reasons for having an affair, “unhappiness and sexuality” should be at the top of the list. If one is not happy or not sexually satisfied, this will definitely lead to extramarital affair. Again we cannot always guarantee good marriage or choose the right partner, I think it comes with luck?

    I was in the labour room when my wife was having our first baby. Going through this process changed my life completely. I now appreciate women more than ever, and see life differently. I can not just explain the pain. We men should always treat ladies like an EGG because they go through a lot. Cooking, taking care of kids, taking care of us etc….

    We cannot guarantee good marriage,no! You won’t know until you get into it. I was fortunate to have a good caring wife (love her so much, words can’t explain ). Some of my friends entered into marriage without taking time to know their partner. Spending more time with who you want to marry will reduce problems in marriages and thus reduce divorce rate worldwide.

    To make marriage work, you have to be open to your partner, discuss everything together, stay away from friends, satisfy her/him in bed etc. Oh Communication is definitely the key, I agree, it works for us!

    I totally agree with all your points, and I love the images. Thanks for sharing Harleena.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 14, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      Hi Seun,

      Those two sure are major reasons, and don’t we see so many marriages just split up because of these reasons. Good marriages aren’t actually made in heaven as they say – instead, a good marriage needs a lot of hard work from both partners, which most people tend to neglect.

      There are no guarantees in anything – and marriages are no exceptions. But if you can talk out things with your partner, you can achieve a lot. If you are unhappy in your marriage or there are other problems you are facing with your spouse – tell them about it! If you don’t, and expect your spouse to understand you – it won’t work because each person is different and so is their way of thinking.

      That’s wonderful indeed, and must’ve been an eye-opener for you as you now know all that a women really has to undergo to bring a new life into this world. Yes – women undergo a lot more than meets the eyes, and I hope more men would think the way you do Seun 🙂

      Nice to know the love you have for your wife, and I wish it always remains as it is – you are blessed indeed to have a loving family, and I’m sure you must be thanking Him for giving these treasures to you.

      I can understand what you mean, and sometimes when people get married without knowing their partners, it can lead to divorces very soon because they might not share anything in common, or just not be willing to adjust, or any other reason. Makes me wonder how they could say yes to such a marriage! We have a lot of cases like that our end too, and if such marriages do work out – I really wonder if they are really happy or just living under the same roof with no love between them.

      A lot goes to make a marriage work, and while you mentioned the main ones – sometimes when one spouse is ready for one thing, the other might not just be, that also creates problems. So, unless you discuss and share your feelings with each other, and spend time daily for small talks – it’s really tough.

      Thanks for stopping by, and yes, I take a lot of time hunting these images – sometimes more time than for writing the post…lols…:)

  11. Ryan Biddulph

    April 13, 2013 at 10:19 pm

    Wow Harleena, you hit on all key points. Unhappiness is a big one. People feel uncomfortable addressing the truth, and their feelings, and choose to cheat rather than ending the relationship, or making changes to work through it.This is uber tough, dealing with unhappiness, but doing so saves you time and energy in the long run.Thanks Harleena!Ryan

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 7:17 am

      Hi Ryan,

      I tried to do that, though I know such a topic can have many variations depending on the couples going through the problem, and each one has to work on making things work if possible. Or else find other alternatives.

      That’s right – unhappiness is a major reason, and often after trying for a while when they see no results – they tend to take the direction of having an affair. I wish they would talk out instead though 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  12. Hajra

    April 13, 2013 at 10:59 pm

    When I was counseling couples; unfaithful was a common problem. And the most common root of the cause (well yours and my favorite) lack of proper communication. I feel it isn’t more about the bigger problem but how smaller issues lead to one big problem and then there is no going back.

    Also, one advice – if one ends up cheating in a relationship, then please have the guts, build the courage to come forward and tell it before it turns ugly and one has to find it the bad way. The partner at the other end (non cheating) will suffer quite a lot. I know it doesn’t minimize the pain; but somehow makes more sense.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 9:27 am

      Hi Hajra,

      Your’e right – it IS a major problem between couples, and I strongly feel lack of communication is the root cause from all of these problems arise. If only couples could talk and share their feelings, needs, wants, problems, and everything with each other – I don’t think they would face any problems.

      Mostly the small day to day issues are what start piling up in a relationship and tend to form a major problem – if they aren’t resolved as they arise. Again – it all comes down to talking and discussing such small problems as they come up, which won’t result in major ones later.

      I agree with you there, when anyone is having an affair – have guts to disclose it. But how would they – as they must be so ashamed and guilty of their behavior, and of cheating on their spouse. The partner who isn’t cheating does suffer when he or she gets to know of it, and is heart-broken more than anything else.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post 🙂

  13. Koj Tajo

    April 14, 2013 at 1:02 am

    Yet another Great Piece Harleena.

    Though, I should be the last to comment on this subject as I am just on my first few months of engagement to so loving fiancee but yet, I feel Marriage as an institution is lacking its credibility. With the change of value system in society, this sacred relationship of couple has diminished to a large extent. And I feel this is one place where the loosening on even the strong bonds occurs and thus crash of purity of relationship happens (broader sense) and moreover, its how one take forward the relationship individually also do makes difference. Love and caring can exist there in any good relationship. If it was there in start, one needs to take in till the end. No room for compromise.

    Kudos to those couples who takes their marriage for so so so long years. I just want to replicate them. And Hey Harleena just wish me that I would never needs these kind of tips in my future.

    Just compiled a list. You stands first. 🙂 A for Aha-now.
    Regards
    – Koj

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 9:51 am

      Hi Koj,

      Glad you could relate to the post. 🙂

      Ah…you are just engaged to be married – nice to hear that, and I do hope and pray you never need this article, but no harm taking a few cues to keep away from such issues.

      I agree, the institution of marriage isn’t what it used to be, things have changed, and so has the way people think about it. It’s rather sad – but that’s how life gets. However, I strongly feel that no matter what, if a person is committed, honest, and loves his partner – there would be no question of having an affair outside his marriage. And if there are problems – talk things out – it’s such a simple thing, yet people just can’t get down to sharing each others views!

      Oh yes…full marks to those couples who manage to stay in their marriages nowadays – there is something that binds them together – isn’t it? I’m sure you would manage beautifully in your marriage too – don’t worry 🙂

      Sorry for replying a little late to your comment today – I just visited your blog and saw the CommentLuv enabled list – and thank you so much for putting my blog right on top – glad it starts with the alphabet ‘A’. It’s great to be placed among such wonderful bloggers, and I’m so glad you are part of the blog too. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us. 🙂

  14. sapna

    April 14, 2013 at 10:03 am

    HI Di,

    Great post as always!

    I’m thinking from where to start…ok I’d say I’ve been fortunate enough and it has been so far so good.

    But with what I’ve read and based on some of experience of others I’d say the 5th and 6th points are the true indicators and the warning signs.

    Thanks Di for this great share.

    Sapna

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 11:34 am

      Hi Sapna,

      I know – I think we need to thank our lucky stars that we aren’t undergoing what some couples go through 🙂

      Yes, #5 and #6 are sure shot signs and one can make them out at once when either of the spouse is having an affair. I just wish more couples would be more open and discuss issues between themselves, rather than turn in this direction, which has no end.

      Thanks for stopping by and for your contribution. 🙂

  15. inderjit

    April 14, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    I am first time here on your blog. I rally want to say this blog is so good and really a “SELF HELP” blog.

    Now coming to topic, Topic is also very nice with very nice knowledge. What i most like in whole topic, comments is ” if there is happiness in the marriage, along with love and complete understanding – such problems will never arise.” really appreciate your words.

    Thanks

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 11:38 am

      Welcome to the blog Inderjit!

      Glad you liked the blogzine, which is here to help everyone 🙂

      Yes indeed, when there is love and understanding in a marriage, and if there is proper communication too – there is no question that either of the spouse would have an affair.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  16. Mosam Gor

    April 14, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Hi Harleena ma’am

    What an Article 😉 😛

    First I’m Not 18+ :D..

    Thanks For the Tips ma’am. This tips will use me in Feature :P.. Nothing to say :P!! Thanks for Writing. 🙂 I bookmark the Post!! 🙂

    Mosam

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      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 11:43 am

      Hi Mosam,

      Nice to know that you liked the article – even though you are not even 18+ 🙂

      Oh yes…hope you never have to use this post when you get married, though it helps if you aware of these signs.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  17. Theodore Nwangene

    April 14, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Very interesting Harleena,

    Its always a very bad habit to be having an affair outside your marital home. But just as you said here, there is always a reason for everything.

    The first solution to solving any issue is to first of all identify what the problem is, if your spouse is cheating you, you need to find out why he/she is doing so. Could it be your fault? or what?

    My lecturer told us one day that one mistake that most people makes in marriage is not knowing that first thing that attracted their spouse to them.

    You need to also find out why She/He loves you in the first place. Could it be because of your shape, your out fit, your complexion, the way you cook, your relationship with God, and so many other things.

    If your husband got married to you because he first love the fact that you are slim, if after the marriage, you stopped doing what you were doing initially to maintain that shape because after all, you’re now married then, when he look for that quality he saw on you before and couldn’t find it then, it might cause the love to start depreciating in my own opinion.

    Most people always stop doing some of the things they were doing when they were single because they think they are no longer looking for someone that will admire them.

    Some women will even go to the extent of not wearing brazier again. I was in a wedding ceremony the other day and the priest told the bride that she should not use because she is now married and therefore stop washing her Panties and also taking care of herself, that such can lead to a broken home.

    The other person might even start asking him/herself what makes him to get married to the other person in the first place.

    This is a very educative post Leena, and i pray that we will all go with your advice.

    Thanks for sharing dear.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 12:02 pm

      Hi Theodore,

      Glad you could relate to the article. 🙂

      Yes indeed, there are always reasons for the way people behave or react I feel, because no one would do it out of their free will – though there are always exceptions even in that case.

      I agree, you need to get to the very basics – the root cause of why your spouse is cheating on you or having an affair. If you are the reason, find out what wrong did you do, or try to make amends. If you aren’t the reason, then too seek help if you feel you cannot communicate with your spouse. I guess it all comes down to talking and discussing things out – isn’t it?

      What your lecturer mentioned could also be a cause. Fining out why you both fell in love, and what attracted you to each other, and asking yourselves that are you both doing the same things you did when you initially got married might help. In most of the cases, people stop working on their marriage and relationship, once they get married because they take it all for granted. They feel that their spouse now understands them – after so many years of marriage.

      The spark that was once there is missing, the romantic moments you once shared are gone – and many more things could be added here. What matters most in a marriage is that both partners shouldn’t think that once they are married – their work is done or that they will always remain together, or that they are now bonded as one. Because, even though you might think that ways and stop working on your marriage, how do you know your spouse also thinks the same way.

      Your spouse may change his or her opinion about you, because you’ve changed from who you were when you got married, and this can have a negative impact, and can lead them to have an affair. However, I strongly feel in such cases too – communication is vital. If you feel your spouse has changed or isn’t the same as before – tell them so! Sometimes they might not realize how they have changed, or perhaps you might have also changed though don’t realize it. So, one can’t blame only one side for things, it could be a two sided affair that should be worked upon.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with all of us. 🙂

  18. Koundeenya

    April 14, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    That’s a very interesting post, Harleena.

    I think, happiness really matters a lot in a successful relationships. If they aren’t, they might go with another, secretly. That really hurts the relation.

    I can see a link. If the person has stopped showing interest in the other and is avoiding him/her, it obviously creates differences between them, which leads to unhappiness. So, they might search for happiness, in another person.

    A relation should always be open and happy.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 12:13 pm

      Hi Koundeenya,

      I agree, if you are happy in your relationship and marriage – you really don’t have to worry about these signs of your spouse having an affair 🙂

      If there is unhappiness or any other problem in your relationship, and you both can’t talk or discuss things out – there are bound to be problems in your marriage, and that surely needs attention.

      That’s exactly what happens. When two people get married, they do so because they feel they are made for each other and their marriage would hold the key to their happiness. But if either one of them stops working on the relationship, is bored, or has other interests now because their spouse has changed, is busy, or for whatever reason creates unhappiness in the marriage – the other spouse might look for his/her share of happiness elsewhere.

      However, just as I’ve been mentioning about and wondering, why don’t people voice their thoughts to their spouse if they are unhappy about certain things in their marriage. That would help solve a lot of problems – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts 🙂

  19. Carolyn

    April 15, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Hi Harleena,

    My heart breaks for those readers who can relate to this article. The pain of discovering your spouse is cheating leaves you feeling gutted. I had two friends who went through this. One said that her husband kept talking about a woman at work and then suddenly stopped mentioning her. That was her first clue.

    My other friend caught her husband having an online affair with an old girlfriend. You know in your last article about online friendships? Well, the conversations were so X-rated that my friend felt betrayed even though her husband swore he never met up with the ex-girlfriend in real life.

    Interestingly, one friend saved her marriage and it became stronger after that.

    Thanks for this important article, Harleena. While many would prefer to hide their heads in the sand, the sooner they recognize the problem, the sooner they can try to find solutions.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 12:24 pm

      Hi Carolyn,

      So does mine, and I was just wondering whether I should write it all or not. But then thought that those who are in a troubled marriage might find it of help as they can learn from these indicators whether their spouse is having an affair or not.

      Sorry to hear about your friends, though their clues are just what we see so commonly around is – isn’t it? Your other friend whose husband had an online affair – she must be really devastated to find out about her hubby. After all that she went through, how would she ever trust her hubby again, even though he swore and promised never to have done what he did. Did they get back together? Nice to know about the friend whose marriage got stronger – that makes one feel good 🙂

      Yes indeed, it’s better to recognize that there IS a problem in your marriage, or stand up and voice your thoughts that your spouse IS having an affair. Because once you do that, and discuss things out – the better it would be for your relationship.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post 🙂

  20. Bruce Sallan (

    April 15, 2013 at 4:51 am

    Those are the OBVIOUS signs…a calculating person can be much more subtle (not that I’d know about that)…

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 15, 2013 at 12:31 pm

      Hi Bruce,

      You’re right! And, the dilemma is that most of us miss even these obvious signs. Those who’re bent upon cheating find other and subtler ways that perhaps you and me have no idea about 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  21. Ahsan

    April 15, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    Hello Harleena,

    The first picture which you added here attracts me lot. Certainly now a days as internet is in hand (both mobile & laptop) so it is easier to make several relation without anyone’s notice. But I think it is a kind of disease or we can say it mental disorder. Yes… we have lots of friends but lots of relations identify that you are not fully well.

    Anyway the symptoms you added are all discussed. I don’t think there is anymore to say.

    thanks for another detailed human relationship post

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 18, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      Hi Ahsan,

      Glad you liked the pictures, which I also felt seemed apt for the post 🙂

      Yes indeed, online dating and having an affair on the Internet has become so much easier nowadays, though those who want to have affairs can do it all hidden anywhere – isn’t it?

      I like what you said – it is surely like that with some people, and they get infected with this disease because they don’t want a cure. Wish more people would value their relationships and live up to it.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  22. Hiten

    April 15, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    This was an excellent post covering the topic of affairs. I think you have covered all the reasons why one might have an affair, brilliantly.

    I also appreciate what you wrote about communicating with your spouse early on, if you suspect there is something wrong in the marriage. This to me seems key and is actually being proactive about doing something to save the marriage.

    Of course, the communication would need to be done in a mature way, as much as is possible.

    Thank you.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 5:26 pm

      Hi Hiten,

      Glad you liked the post about having an affair, and though I did try covering up everything, I’m sure I must’ve left out a few things 🙂

      Oh yes…I have tried and tested the point about communicating with your spouse whenever there is any kind of problem, because if you don’t really share your feelings, how would your partner know about what you are undergoing. Talking in a respectable and calm manner, and giving each other fair enough chance to express their views is important.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  23. Debbie

    April 15, 2013 at 8:24 pm

    You pretty much covered everything Harleena.

    One thing that I would add though, is if your love making does change in style. One partner is doing or making love just a little different. (hope i explained that right)Having been there before, I found that no two people do make love the same way. It can be the little thing that your partner is doing. if this happens talk to them about it. You might ask, “Why are you touching me in a different way, etc?”

    Another to watch for is the people your spouse works with. If s/he starts talking about one person that stops talking about them. If you find yourself considered about someone, confront them and let them know they need to back off. i have to say there are some women and men that have no respect for marriage and just flat go after what they want.

    Thanks again and I am happy to say I don’t have to worry about this. My hubby lets me know He is mine alone.
    Debbie

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 5:42 pm

      Hi Debbie,

      That’s another important point you mentioned, though sometimes some partners might be trying out new ways if they’ve seen or read about it someplace. However, one needs to be careful, and even if not in a serious tone, ask or appreciate them doing so in a different way – provided it was something you liked 😉

      Yes, sometimes your spouse talks about a person for a few days and then stops all of a sudden – another watchful sign to keep a look out for, though I wonder how’d you tell someone to back off if your spouse is at fault there. I agree, many couples in a marriage just don’t value their marriage and would go out for another person – or perhaps they don’t have those core values in them to keep them withing their marriage.

      I too am glad to not be worried about my hubby having an affair – guess we need to thank our lucky stars 😉

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post 🙂

  24. Eric D. Greene

    April 15, 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Well I’m not worried about this in my own life but I can see where others might have it as a concern. If there is someone I know I will refer them to your article! 🙂 btw I visited here after reading Kikolani’s website! Eric

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      Welcome to the blog Eric!

      Nice to know that you don’t have to worry about this issue, but yes, there are many whose spouse’s are having an affair, and hope they find this post useful. It would be nice if you forward this post to them and help them recognize the signs and take the required measure.

      Thanks for stopping by, and I guess we need to thank Kristi for your visit here today 🙂

  25. Anne

    April 16, 2013 at 1:02 am

    Great article, Harleena.

    I think a lot of people have affairs because the opportunity presents itself. Some people have great relationships with their spouse, but they stray because they feel so honoured that of all people, they have the opportunity of someone else fancying them.

    Boredom also causes people to have affairs. They just get so comfortable with their relationships, that boredom sets in. They don’t think of the consequences or how they make other people feel. They just do it because they can.

    Great article.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 6:31 pm

      Hi Anne,

      Nice to know that you liked the article 🙂

      I agree with what you said about why people have affairs, but I wish they had more self-control over themselves, instead of straying after people who fancy them because such people you’ll find in every sphere of your life – they are all around you!

      Yes indeed, boredom is another factor, which again they can control if they wish to. I guess both sides need to keep working on their relationship and keep it fresh, so that there’s no question of getting bored. And when there is love and understanding between them, there are no reasons for straying – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us. 🙂

  26. Galen Pearl

    April 16, 2013 at 2:54 am

    I have to say I felt some relief. After several failed marriages and long term relationships, I have been happily single for years and plan to stay that way now. Not out of bitterness at all. Just realizing that at this point in my life, my life has taken a different direction, one I’m quite content with.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 6:34 pm

      Hi Galen,

      You are indeed lucky I would say to be away from such issues of spouses having affairs or going after another person.

      I can understand your reasons for staying single and am sure you are loving it too. I guess you really don’t have to be answerable to anyone at this stage of your life, and am glad you found your much deserved happiness in life. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  27. Christy Garrett

    April 16, 2013 at 3:23 am

    These were all tried and true signs when I caught my ex-husband having an affair even from afar. My ex was stationed in Japan for a year alone because of my daughter’s medical condition. About midway through, something changed and all of a sudden he didn’t want to come home and didn’t seem happy about coming home soon. I knew in my gut what this meant and it was true. 🙁

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 6:58 pm

      Welcome to the blog Christy – nice to have you over!

      Sorry to hear about the way things turned out for you and your ex-husband.

      You would be knowing best having undergone it through your life. I guess where the marriage or bonding is not strong enough, there can be any reason for straying. In your case, perhaps it was the distance or having other options open in-front of him that lead him towards it, though it all does come down to how committed and strong a person is.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  28. Adrienne

    April 16, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    I’ve only been cheated on once Harleena.

    It happened one weekend, I found out about it within five days and I dumped his ass. He came back two weeks later begging me for forgiveness but to me once a cheater, always a cheater. They are the same as an abuser in my book.

    Old habits die hard for most and I think that like Sylviane said, they have no respect for their spouse if this is what they do. I have one friend that has cheated on his spouse and he knows how I felt about that. He used all these excuses as to why he justified it but there is no justification in my book. It just tells me what kind of person you are and that’s not a very good one.

    As you know, I’ve only been married once and that was never an issue. All of my long term relationships as well, this was never the issue with us so besides my one boyfriend, and that was not pleasant, this has not been the reason my relationships have failed. I sympathize though for all those who have had to go through this.

    Run while you can and don’t look back. They are so not worth it!

    ~Adrienne

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 20, 2013 at 7:55 pm

      Hi Adrienne,

      Sorry to know that this has happened with you too, though am glad it was long back and you are over it all now.

      You were quick to find out about your boyfriend having an affair, as otherwise people don’t come to know of it because of the quiet way people go about things. I agree, there are no guarantees that a cheater won’t cheat again, and most importantly, it’s tough to trust such people.

      Cheating partners obviously don’t love and respect their spouses, and their character too isn’t all that good if they land up having affairs, even when they have a person in their life. Oh yes…there are just no justification for such acts.

      However, there are some cases where if a person has strayed and is really sorry for his deeds, which something that his spouse alone can make out from his behavior, just as the lady in the video mentioned. Perhaps there are kids or a family to consider, or some other things, which both of them have to decide among themselves. I guess it all depends from person to person and how they take their partners once they know they have had an affair. Some forgive, some don’t – all depends on their relationship and what they want to do in the end.

      Nice to know that having an affair was never an issue in your earlier marriage or relationship. I too wish no one has to ever use these signs in their marriage or relationships, but just in-case the need arises, I hope this post helps them.

      Ah…I agree with your last line – it’s not really worth it 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with all of us. 🙂

  29. Neamat Tawadrous

    April 16, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    What an interesting post!

    In my opinion, a cheater is a cheater and I don’t think they should be forgiven because the harm they cause for the other partner will never be cured. Cheating on your partner is the most hurtful act one can imagine or feel. It’s telling her/him you are not good enough and it is belittling and self-doubt will creep to the cheated partner and this is very hard or I should say impossible to cure. I know ladies who have been cheated upon by their spouses and now more the 20+ years and still not healed and they ddidn’t want to re-marry because they are doubtful.

    If I ever got in that position, I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive and if I forgive, I will never go back to be his wife again. Period.

    You know in the bible, divorce is not allowed for any reason except for this one reason, which is cheating on your spouse. When you think why? Because it is the most intolerable act that can ever happen, and in this case divorce is justified.

    Thanks Harleena for such a great and interesting article. The signs are all valid.

    Be Blessed,

    Neamat

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 10:55 pm

      Hi Neamat,

      Yes indeed, your thoughts are quite similar to Adrienne’s, and once a cheater loses the trust – it’s tough for anyone to develop the trust in them again.

      I agree, that when a spouse cheats and is having an affair with another person, he or she is belittling the relationship and indirectly slapping the spouse on the face and saying I don’t love you any more so I’m moving on. But they don’t realize the hurt and pain they cause their partner.

      This is a major reason the spouse who is hurt won’t want to remarry – because they have seen how it all ends. To develop that trust and faith all over again in another person is easier said than done. I guess that’s why they prefer staying single, and some of them are doing wonderfully well that ways too.

      I like your stand, and while most of us would think that to be the right thing to do, the lady in the video suggests that you weigh out things. Each person to his/her own I guess. Just as I was mentioning to Adrienne above, each case is different and so is the feelings or emotions both spouses share for each other. Some are ready to forgive,forget, and move on in their lives, and even the person who cheated becomes alright. While in other cases, the cheater isn’t forgiven, and the relationship ends there. Or even if they are forgiven, they go ahead and cheat again. So one can never say, and it works best to go by your gut feeling and the way your spouse behaves.

      Oh yes…divorce is justified when you learn of your spouse having an affair and as you mentioned, the Bible says it too. However, I do hope and pray no one really has to go through these signs in their lives. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. 🙂

  30. Angela McCall

    April 17, 2013 at 10:59 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Very good topic! It definitely catched my eyes.

    Some of the love affair are innocent. Two people started working out in the gym and little did they know they start having an affair. Or someone meet for a cup of coffee, or go out dancing with an opposite sex without their spouse…it’s perfectly innocent and yet some people are stupid. They say, “It’s never gonna happen to me, I know better.” But the same people will fall into this trap themselves.

    Just think about this. Whenever a man and a woman get together…chances are they will become attracted to each other. Well, of course, unless these people are gay and they are attracted to the same sex. I’m talking about the heterosexual people who are attracted to the opposite sex.

    Today, it’s easier to have an affair because of the new technology we called the “Internet.” First, it is an innocent flirtations of “you look great” or “you look good” and next you know the flirtations becomes heavy and become serious. Next thing you know you are in this TRAP.

    All of the SIGNS you listed there are so TRUE.
    Thank you for sharing this post, Harleena. Have a great Tuesday!!

    Angela

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 11:06 pm

      Hi Angela,

      Glad to know that you could relate well to the post. 🙂

      I agree with you there, some affairs are innocent, or people don’t get to know and they tend to start getting attracted to each other. If it just stays to a little attraction, it’s still acceptable, but when such people start crossing the limits – things do tend to get out of hand and one thing often leads to another – isn’t it?

      I would say it’s very rare that a man and woman can really remain as friends – in the real sense. Often they stray from their friendship into something more, and if they are married, it does lead to complications.

      The Internet surely has opened new options for people to have affairs, and just as you mentioned, it starts with very causal talks to attract attention, and then there is no limit to the extent it can all lead to.

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post. Enjoy your weekend too 🙂

  31. Tanushree

    April 18, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Marriage is the most archaic and redundant institution created by human kind. Most often it is hypocrisy personified.
    Spouses spend most of their lives trying to spy on each other. Fidelity, though a moot question, their entire life tends to revolve around it.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 11:06 pm

      Welcome to the blog Tanushree!

      Marriage I feel is a beautiful institution that brings two people together, and even though most of us tend to think it to be otherwise – we still all eventually do get married. When there is no love and understanding between spouses, the need of having an affair or spying etc., tend to be things the spouse might take on to, though that is no excuse I would say. When there is a problem in the marriage, which all of us have sometime or the other, we need to sit and resolve issues to avoid further problems, and I think this does work. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  32. Mayura

    April 18, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    Wow… Now I can see how careful you are when explaining 🙂 Some folks might misunderstand things if they were not explained clearly and start doubting their partners for no reason.

    I’m not much into this subject (I mean signs), but I’m familiar with the topic as my friends had gone through such situations in their relationships dear.

    I can recall an incident where a girl tend to ignore her boyfriend (But she said she never meant that way) while being with friends and it lead him to start an affair with another girl. I really believe the simple things matters. Isn’t it true? 🙂

    As I go through your signs, it’s all about changes 🙂 Sometimes we expect same everyday while not giving the same or more. If we change ourselves and embrace changes, nothing won’t change us and lead to alternatives, no? 🙂

    Cheers…

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 11:18 pm

      Hi Mayura,

      Oh yes…these signs of a spouse having an affair might be there in your spouse also, but it might not mean they are having an affair! Yes, you do need to get your alert signals up, and if in doubt – always ask before really playing the blame game. 🙂

      You are not married as yet, and I hope you never have to see these signs in your spouse either – nor in a relationship with your to-be. But as they say, it’e always good to be aware.

      I agree, small and simple things DO matter in a relationship – no matter how much you ignore them. As in the case of your friend, had she not ignored her boyfriend for another friend, he wouldn’t have gone ahead to have an affair. I guess there was communication gap and lack of understanding and love between them. Had they spoken to each other and cleared their doubts – they would have been together.

      Any change for the good, should be adopted, and yes, if we can change ourselves and get better – we really won’t have such problems.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with all of us 🙂

  33. Corinne Rodrigues

    April 18, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Such a relevant and well-written post, Harleena.

    These days I think a lot of couples are prone to getting emotionally involved with others at work or online. To my mind, this is sometimes far, far worse than straying physically – although I’m not at all condoning that for a moment. The good news is that some people through counseling manage to forgive and heal their marriages and move on stronger than before.

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      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      Hi Corinne – nice to have you back 🙂

      Glad you liked the post. You are right, sometimes when people work and stay together for long working hours – they do tend to get emotionally involved, which as you said is worse than straying physically.

      However, I wish they had stronger will-power – isn’t it? Because if this happens, we would have so many broken marriages in no time. Counseling does help, though I guess it must be taking a lot of hard work on the cheating partner to develop the trust once again.

      As the lady mentioned in the video, sometimes to forgive and forget, and move on is a good option. But that would again depend from one person to another and the relationship they share with their spouse. Your inner-self, or gut feeling must allow you to do that.

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  34. June

    April 19, 2013 at 3:38 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Another great post from you. Affairs are destructive! I’ve had first-hand experiences of being cheated on and it really messed up my marriage. I mean to the extent that we got divorced. It didn’t end there either because my ex stalked me plus other things which I can’t discuss here.

    Anyway, I can identify to a lot of the signs you mentioned. Another one that I’d like to add is coming home with lipstick on his collar. That was a big clue. But he was great at making up excuses to make me feel like I was going mad or imagining things.

    Thank God that’s all in the past and I am totally healed from the hurt his affairs caused. The sad thing is that when you have children,they suffer too because they witness the arguments between mum and dad. It’s nasty!

    Lots of lessons were learnt. And I’m much older and wiser now. Also, I think I now know all the signs of when a man is cheating.

    Thanks for writing this article. 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 21, 2013 at 11:54 pm

      Hi June,

      Glad you liked the post and could relate to it 🙂

      Sorry to hear about you and the affair that messed up your marriage, and all that you underwent thereafter. I guess you would be the real person who could tell about these signs of a spouse having an affair.

      Ah…I did read about the sign of lipstick on the collar somewhere too, and am glad you mentioned that, which is a clear indicator he IS having an affair! How can anyone make an excuse with such an evident and visible sign I wonder 🙂

      Nice to know that all of this is behind you now, though that time I can well imagine all that you must have undergone – it’s not easy. I agree, when you have kids, it plays on them and though we might think they are small or don’t understand things, they do – and every small thing registers well into their tiny minds. I wish it wasn’t so hard on them, but I guess sometimes it’s better to move away from such a spouse if you strongly feel so, rather than stay in such a marriage. Though there have been many cases where the spouses realize their mistakes and get back together, which again, would depend from one case to another.

      Absolutely! You surely would be knowing all of these signs and much more about when a man is having an affair or cheating on his partner. Hope no one else has to use any of these signs in their marriages though 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with all of us 🙂

  35. Dangerous Linda

    April 19, 2013 at 9:08 am

    People cheat in marriage for one reason: ‘because they are cheaters’.

    Virtually all the signs and symptoms you described are signs that a relationship could be in trouble but only a certain type of person cheats when their relationship is in trouble.

    If your relationship is in trouble you need to get help because your relationship is in trouble, not because your spouse might be cheating. That is my opinion.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 22, 2013 at 12:00 am

      Hi Linda – nice to see you after long 🙂

      Absolutely! Once a cheater always a cheater – as some of the earlier commenters mentioned. 🙂

      Yes indeed, when a spouse cheats, it does mean that their relationship within their marriage isn’t going well – something IS missing in their relationship or the bond and love isn’t that strong, which leads the spouse to have an affair.

      Counseling might help to get your relationship problems sorted out, but a person who is having an affair, might continue to do so, unless they get the trust and love back in their relationship – isn’t it? It all does come down to how strong your bond is. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your opinion. 🙂

  36. margauxallen

    April 19, 2013 at 2:48 pm

    Really true! I enjoy reading this post as this issue is so controversial. However, I always believe in the saying that it always takes two to tango.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 22, 2013 at 12:04 am

      Hi Margauxallen,

      Glad you liked going through this controversial post. That’s why I wrote about it as I knew people would have various opinions about this one. 🙂

      I agree with your there – the fault always lies on both sides, though the one having an affair is guiltier than the one not straying – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  37. King Globalwalyy

    April 19, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Dear Harleena, This is my first time of visiting your blog, and i must confess that all your post i read today are on points.

    Its not that hard to know if your partner is Cheating on you. and Thanks for digging out more points..Your Post are always Long, i must give you an award for that LOL.

    Kind Regards
    Temilola

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 22, 2013 at 12:10 am

      Welcome to the blog Temilola!

      Nice to know that you feel this way about the posts you read so far 🙂

      Oh yes…each spouse or partner I’m sure can make out of the other is cheating or having an affair, especially if they’ve been together or know each other for long. I guess their gut feeling or indicatirs help them, though I hope these signs might help those who don’t know about it.

      Yes, most of my posts are long because I like giving complete information to my readers. I’ve often to cut short or limit my post length, thinking of those readers who like shorter posts too. Ah…I accept your award humbly 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  38. Matthew Denos

    April 21, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    Hello Harleena,

    I find your article (and the video) very educative.

    55% of the adult population has cheated at some point. What does this say? Obviously, people cheat because they are not getting from their relationship what they want.

    Men have sex-based affairs while women have emotion-based affairs.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      April 22, 2013 at 12:16 am

      Welcome to the blog Matthew!

      Nice to know that you found the post and video education 🙂

      Absolutely! People cheat and are have affairs, because they aren’t happy in their marriage and relationships. They aren’t getting what they want within their marriage, which results in then straying. I agree about men having more of sex-based affairs and women seek emotional based affair.

      However, instead of taking on this path, isn’t it be better if they tried resolving their problems and issues in marriage? If that’s not done it won’t be long before we have more broken marriages and divorces in the world. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  39. Kumar Suhas

    April 27, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    As you might be aware of I have been visiting your blog regularly because I really liked the topic selection and the content too. It is not easy to maintain a personal issue blogs successful on the web but you have done it.

    While visiting your blog I could come across this post and thought of going through it. The topic is sensitive and important for every married couple. The way you have handled and in depth analysis of the causes and symptoms is really good. A must read.

    Changing lifestyle is introducing many good and bad things in our life and this seems to an effect of the same thing. I believe that this article can really rectify the approach of many people on this issue.

  40. Profile photo of Harleena Singh

    Harleena Singh

    April 27, 2013 at 4:49 pm

    Hi Kumar,

    Thank you for your kind words and it gives me immense pleasure to welcome you each time to the blog too. Nice to know that you like the topics selected and content too. I guess when you put your heart into your work, it does show results – isn’t it? 🙂

    I agree, it’s not easy to do so, but as you know the main aim of this blog is to help as many people as I can, and just like such topics are very part and parcel of our life – I make sure to have them here so that people can learn something from them and from the wonderful commenters via their experiences in the comments that they share too.

    Yes indeed, this is an important topic for married people and others who have a spouse having an affair or what they can do to avoid it too – if they read the signs well in time. You’re right there, the change in our lifestyles is a reason, though even lack of love and proper understanding with one another can lead to such a situation.

    I also hope this helps people going through rough times 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post 🙂

  41. Louise Hadley

    May 9, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Hi, just wanted to say that you offer a lot of great information and tips on relationships. cheating is now becoming more and more common. To find a honest and devoted and loving husband is getting harder and harder. i think that one of the reasons might be that there will more distractions and temptations out there and also the foundation we built for our marriage is not strong enough to fight off these destructive forces..I have seen couples whose marriage fell apart because one of them had an affair. Sigh, sometimes i wonder if we can ever do anything to prevent this from happening and wrecking families..

  42. sherill

    October 12, 2015 at 6:52 am

    Hi, Thanks for sharing a very interesting and informative post. I guess cheating is rampant nowadays, but always keep in mind that it is possible to get attracted to somebody,human nature but if you are in a commitment,you should learn how to discipline yourself. If you are unhappy and attracted to someone else, just leave, don’t cheat. 🙂




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Read more posts in the category: Love & Relationships




7 Top Signs That Your Spouse Might Be Having An Affair

by Harleena Singh time to read: 11 min