Why Your Kids Will Never Amount to Anything

- | 50 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Family & Parenting

girl displaying problem behavior like your kids
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Ouch! I know that’s harsh.. and yet, unfortunately, true for many parents. There are kids heading for disaster, and their parents don’t have a clue.

I’m not talking about teenagers who are in trouble, I’m talking about the little kids that will become those teenagers.

Years ago I saw a television documentary about girls between the ages of ten and twelve. The study claimed that researchers could predict (with startling accuracy) which girls would become pregnant teenagers.

I was so naive at the time that I was actually surprised.. and a little disbelieving.

Now, after raising two children into adulthood, I believe.

For those of you thinking, “This does not pertain to my kids.” …not so fast.

My kids were “perfect” kids. They were sweet, fun to be around, and well-behaved. Everywhere we went, friends and strangers alike, commented on how amazing they were.

Yet, behind the scenes.. in their hearts and their heads, they were affected by my often misguided parenting. They have turned into awesome adults, but I hurt them in ways I didn’t realize at the time.

Your child’s character and self esteem begins forming at a very young age.

If you wait until your son or daughter starts acting out with drugs, promiscuity, trouble with authorities, difficulty in maintaining healthy relationships .. you‘ve missed your biggest chance to guide them towards healthy, happy adults.

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20 Signs Your Child (and You) are Heading for Heartache

1. You typically give in to your kids demands if he or she cries/begs long enough.

2. There are little or no consequences for misbehavior.

3. You say things like: “That was great, but..” – “But” always cancels out what was said before it.

4. Your child is not respectful to YOU or authority (teachers, adults, etc.)

5. He or she lies.

6. You lie. (Yes, telling your ten year old to say you’re “Not here” teaches her or him to lie.)

7. You tell you kids how he or she should feel. “Oh, it doesn’t hurt that much.”

8. You speak poorly of your child’s father/mother; divorced or married.

9. You have a hard time following through on what you said you’d do. (Keeping your word.)

10. You’re angry when your daughter or son nags you because you already know you’ll give in.

11. You blame the other person or situation when your child gets into trouble.

12. You are not respectful and/or loving to your spouse.

13. You try and mold your child into someone he or she is not; not appreciating who he or she is..

14. Your kids is angry; even acting out with other kids.

15. You partake in excessive drinking and/or prescription drugs.

16. You lavish empty praise on your daughter or son and he knows it’s not deserved.

17. There aren’t enough hours in the day for one-on-one with your child. (Watching TV doesn’t count)

18. You don’t find specific areas to praise her or him.

19. You have a tendency to criticize and judge.

20. Dismiss your kids feelings with “Oh, it’ll be fine.”

MUST READ: 10 Reasons Your Kids Don’t Listen To You

happy kids sitting together

What You Can Do About It

Am I saying that if you can relate to one of the twenty points, your child is doomed? Of course not. But as parents, we want to recognize that as our kids grow, they are forming patterns they’ll carry into their adult lives.

Poor Behavior Now Can Have BIG Consequences Later

Most children don’t learn appropriate behavior unless it’s expected of them by their parents.

As they get older, the consequences for poor behavior become greater. Behavior directly effects opportunity and relationships. When kids don’t learn to behave as they get older, they experience problems such as:

Poor grades. Losing jobs. Addictions. Dysfunctional relationships

The best time to intervene with bad behavior is when kids are young and the consequences are not as great. And while discipline isn’t always easy, there are a few tried and true methods to help your kids improve their behavior.

DON’T MISS: How To Get Kids To Listen To You

Praise Good Behavior

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It’s important for us to notice when our children are behaving in positive ways. Children often misbehave if they want attention. Even negative attention is better than nothing.

The best way to get your kids to behave well is to give them attention when they do!

A simple, “I notice that you’re sitting still in your seat – that shows good manners,” will do.

After you compliment your child like this, take a moment to see the look in his eyes. Kids radiate when someone notices them for something good.

TIP: It’s even more effective when they hear us compliment them to someone else!

Set Limits and Consequences

It’s important to discuss with your children what behavior you desire from them and then provide consequences if those expectations aren’t met.

For example, if going to the movies, you can explain that you expect your child to stay in her or his seat and be quiet during the show.

At the same time, explain that if he or she doesn’t follow those directions, he or she will have a consequence. Consequences need to be meaningful for a specific child. To determine consequences think about:

  • Taking away a privilege
  • Taking away a toy or electronic device
  • Adding a chore (this one worked especially well for my kids)
  • In addition, you want to stop the behavior right away. When the child first starts to misbehave, you can nip the behavior in the bud before it gets out of control.

Provide Rewards

When children do what’s expected, tell them how much you appreciate what they did. It’s even OK to occasionally reward the good behavior beyond praise. Stay away from buying a new toy or giving food, which can create other problems.

Instead, focus on experiences for rewards such as:

  • Doing something special with mom or dad
  • Getting to stay up a few minutes later on a non-school night
  • Getting to choose the movie or game for family night
  • Reading an extra book before going to bed
  • A special bubble bath with extra time to play
  • A few extra minutes in the backyard to play with friends

These rewards will help kids to learn that it’s fun to do the right thing.

Be a Good Example

The most important thing we can do as parents is to model good behavior. Your kids are always watching you and they love to copy! If you show appropriate behavior, they’ll know better what’s acceptable.

But if you’re doing the wrong thing, they’ll also start to do the wrong thing. Modeling personal responsibility for your actions and behaviors is essential if you want your children to achieve their true potential.

The first time my two year old said “S%#t” ..my husband and I looked at each other with “Opps” We didn’t even realize we cussed but we shaped up fast, and I can honestly say that while my husband or I may occasionally let a cuss word slip, neither of our adult children cusses.

Look, we’re going to make mistakes as parents. It’s inevitable, as we are all flawed to some degree. But if we pay attention.. tune into their world and notice when they are out of line, or troubled, or seeking attention, we can avoid tremendous heartache later.

Over to you –

Do any of the twenty signs resonant for you? If so, which one(s)? What measures do you or did you take to improve the behavior problems of your kids? Share in the comments.

 

Photo Credit: Freedigitalphotos

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50 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. Harleena Singh

    September 6, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    Welcome to Aha!NOW as a guest blogger, Darlene!

    Frankly I was surprised when you told me that you’re wanting to write a post on not something that you do, but about kids and parenting. However, my fears were allayed when I read your post. 🙂

    I’m sure every parent will benefit from your post and value your experiences as a parent. It’s so true that the years 5 to 13 is the period in a child’s life where he or she formulates the pattern that will be taken forward in the teen years, and probably also followed in the adulthood.

    A parent needs to make all efforts that kids learn the right ways and things during these years of their life. Their minds are still moldable, which mostly settles and sets in their teen years, and it becomes difficult for the parents to try bring change in the kids then.

    The research study you mentioned surprises me too. The pre-teen kids display the signs of how their teen years are going to be and it’s never too late for the parents to intervene and improve their kids behavior using their effective parenting skills.

    I think I may’ve been a bit soft on my kids at times, and that means I gave in to my kids demands. But I do set limits and consequences, and the easiest and most effective turns out to take away the smartphones from my teens. That really works! 🙂

    But of course, punishments are not the only way to make a child understand. In fact, rewards are most effective and as you rightly mention, we ourselves too need to be the role models.

    Thanks for such an informative post, Darlene, you’ve really given food for thought for all parents. I’m curious to know the experiences of other parents. Take it from here – I wish you’ve a great time on Aha!NOW 🙂

    • Darlene

      September 6, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      Hello Harleena..

      Thank you so much for featuring me on your popular blog! Although it’s true my main blog is about teaching how to start an online business, relationships are of primary importance to me. And I have studied and been involved in numerous intense relationship building experiences. I am also a certified life coach. 🙂

      I wanted to comment on your mention of: “The research study you mentioned surprises me too. The pre-teen kids display the signs of how their teen years are going to be and it’s never too late for the parents to intervene and improve their kids behavior using their effective parenting skills.”

      It was a study about troubled girls and as we know, often (but not always)troubled kids have troubled parents. So as the studied was conducted, the home life didn’t change for these girls.

      I agree with you that it’s not too late to sow into our children’s lives. Ever, really. Because we can never go back but we can connect and nurture our relationships today.

      darlene

  2. Emmanuel

    September 6, 2013 at 6:57 pm

    There is of course nothing more one can do other than being a good example as you rightly put it!
    Please do have a great weekend!

    • Darlene

      September 6, 2013 at 9:25 pm

      Yes, being a good example as parents is definitely the best influence.

      Because they do as we do, not as we say.. I think!

      darlene

  3. Kumar Chandan

    September 6, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    Hi, Darlene,

    Wonderful post indeed. 🙂

    Parents are first school and teacher for children. They are hugely swayed by behavior of parents towards him/her or other. Children watch closely their parents and learn the every first thing from parents and family. Children are like clay, parents can shape them according to their principles. Parents entrust them some ethics and values which will come very handy through out their life.

    20 points that you have shared I am totally agreed with it. We must keep these things in our mind in parenting a child.

    I love the way of rewarding to our children, giving some extra time to play and all that. These small things make huge changes in children and give unlimited happiness.

    And at the ending, Parents are the Icons for their children so being good towards them can make them good human being.

    Thank you for sharing such a beautiful thought.
    Enjoy the weekend.

    • Darlene

      September 6, 2013 at 7:32 pm

      Kumar.. thank you for your kind words.

      Children are indeed like clay, aren’t they? And they notice everything!

      darlene

  4. Ryan Biddulph

    September 6, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    Be the best example possible to ease your child’s transition into becoming a teen then adult. Important, thought-provoking post here. Super share!

    • Darlene

      September 6, 2013 at 8:02 pm

      Hi Ryan! You have a pretty interesting post there yourself.. “Are Legends Born or Made?”

      Going to check it out. 🙂

  5. Ahsan

    September 6, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    Hello Darlene,

    Parents are the first guideline for a kid. The small kid always love to copy what parents do. The 20 points you added are the best way for parenting kid.

    Rewarding a kid for its good work is also help to make them cheerful & increase confidence.

    I think another best way to pass sometime with kid during play, study, lunch, tea break as much as possible. it increase family bonding which is lacking now a days in lots of family.

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 9:38 am

      Ahsan..

      You are so right.. the little ones just love to mimic don’t they?

      And yes, the family bonding is hugely beneficial but with all the tech and busy lives, there seems to be less of it.

      darlene

  6. Pramod

    September 6, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Hi Darlene,

    I think children should be restricted from watching movies/too much of television as they are the key elements responsible for cultivating bad habits in them.Parents should be the role models of their children and not any fictional character that appears on the television screen. If they follow the above two points then I’m sure that the kids wont cause any trouble to their parents with their behavior.Thanks for sharing the information .

    -Pramod

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 10:24 am

      Yes, I agree the movies and television shows can certainly influence our children, as well as their peers.

      But you’re right, the parental influence is the strongest of all, which I always found a little scary since I consider myself a work in progress. 🙂

      darlene 🙂

  7. Jeevan Jacob John

    September 7, 2013 at 3:48 am

    Hey Darlene,

    First off, welcome to Aha now 🙂

    Great points here 🙂 I do agree about parents being misguided about their children. We are all biased, one way or another.

    I think what matters most is the relationship between the kid and the parent (and of course, how the parent behaves). Kids learn from their parents, so if you want you kid to behave properly (as the society defines proper behavior), parents have to do it first.

    Outside world can also have a lot of effect on children, but I think parents can help their children understand what’s wrong and what’s right. Help them to decide how to react in each situation.

    Anyways, thank you for the tips 🙂 I could perhaps try this in 10-15 years 😀 Hopefully by then, we will have better understanding of how our brains work and how we can properly raise children.

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 9:24 am

      Hello Jeevan..

      Thank you for the warm welcome..

      My sister who started having her children earlier, used to constantly remind me (just as you have here) that’s it’s all about the relationship.

      That we must always remember to nourish the relationship beyond the “lesson” so to speak.

      Parenting is the most rewarding job, and at the same time.. the most challenging.

      darlene

  8. Babanature

    September 7, 2013 at 5:07 am

    Hello Darlene,

    You have said well and I can definitely relate to what you’re saying :).

    I am so soft but I am always making my child do what he’s supposed to do and how he supposed to do :). Well I guess everything leads to “lead by example”.

    Thanks for the post and do have a nice weekend 🙂

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 9:27 am

      I’m sorry but I have to laugh at your “I’m so soft”.. Please know I’m laughing with you, as a parent because we want everything for them, right?

      I know exactly what you mean..

      The greatest gift we can give them is sometimes the most difficult choice.

      Sounds like you’re doing great. Darlene 🙂

  9. Yesh Quijano

    September 7, 2013 at 7:04 am

    My parents are separated so sign #8 really hit me hard. It is true there will be psychological damage to a child whenever one parent speaks ill of another one. As a child, I didn’t know what they were fighting about or what’s the big deal anyway! All I know is that whenever one parent speaks ill of my other parent, it gives me the liberty or permission to speak ill of my parents or other people too. I do believe that parenting should be learned from the experts and not just from “what feels right” for the parents.

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 9:31 am

      Hello Yesh,

      Divorce is SO hard on the kids, I know!

      I am sorry for your situation because I know how difficult it is.

      I have also heard that when a parent speaks ill of the other, it hurts the child because it’s like speaking poorly of them also (since they are a part of the parent.)

      darlene

  10. Nate Leung

    September 7, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Hey Darlene,

    It’s very nice to meet you and read your writing.

    First off, I don’t have any kids yet. But I’ve learned quite about about parenting and raising children off Harleena’s blog.

    The list that you made makes perfect sense. When I was going through your list, I was glad to see that most of the things you listed are what my parents did not do to me. They were not perfect but they did their best nonetheless.

    All in all, this stuff is common sense. Children pick up on these things at a very young age. Their human just like us. We just experienced things that they haven’t yet, doesn’t mean they won’t pick up on it.

    Again, it was very nice to read your post and hope to see you around. 🙂

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 10:25 am

      Hello Nate!

      Yes, there is so much to learn from Harleena. I remember early on, I read a particularly long and insightful article of hers, and I mentioned she should write a book.

      For you to already be reading about parenting even though you don’t have kiddos yet, is wonderful!

      I have to tell you one thing though.. yes, this is all common sense, but of my goodness, it’s still so hard to actually do!

      darlene

  11. Shalu Sharma

    September 7, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    Very good article Darlene & Harleena.

    I can relate to this very well as I have small children and often get confused how and what to react in certain situations. After reading this, I am going take that extra mile praising them for good behaviour so that they will know that good behaviour is rewarded.

    • Darlene

      September 7, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Hello Shalu..

      I read somewhere that for every “correction” we give, we have to give ten praises to balance. I thought, “How can we do that?”

      But if you think about it.. a friend can tell you five things about your kids that they think are amazing.. and one they don’t like.. and what will you focus on?

      So for you to start deliberately finding good things about your little ones to point out, will make such a difference in their self esteem.

      Even something as trivial as “You are so smart to find both of your shoes” matters.. And don’t think that’s silly to praise because there are plenty of kids who couldn’t find a matching pair of shoes.. even if the shoes were sitting in plain sight.

      You can take it a step further by making sure they hear you praise them to your husband or family/friends. Let your kids hear you brag on them.

      darlene

  12. Sylviane Nuccio

    September 8, 2013 at 5:04 am

    Hi Darlene, and Harleena

    Great post. In your list of the negatives I could see some parental behaviors I’ve observed many times.

    I will never forget years ago as I was applying for a baby sitting job, the mother told me that when I would get back from the park the kid would start crying, kicking, and sitting on the ground and I had to wait until she was done.

    I was not to correct her in any way. Oh, yeah? I thought. what a poor parenting that was. I didn’t want the job after that for sure. I wouldn’t have been able to take this 🙂

    Not giving any boundaries to children create either monsters or good for nothing adults. No a good thing.

    Thanks for the great post 🙂

    • Darlene

      September 8, 2013 at 9:16 pm

      Hello Sylviane,

      Yeah, boundaries with love,you know?

      You set the boundaries because you do love them (and yourself) but you make sure you show the love too.

      It’s amazing how a police officer can pull us over for speeding and we get so nervous. Not because he’s yelling or mad, but because we know we messed up and there will be a consequence.

      darlene

  13. Hiten

    September 8, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Hi Darlene,

    It’s great to see you at Harleena’s blog and Harleena, thanks for having Darline over.

    Darline, I don’t have kids yet. However, I found your post very useful for when I do. One key point I picked up from your post is to be very specific with kids when giving them feedback on their behaviour and to be genuine when doing so. Otherwise they can get confused. We appreciate honest feedback as adults, and after reading your post it is so clear that it is important to do with kids, as well.

    Thank you.

    • Darlene

      September 8, 2013 at 9:24 pm

      Hi Hiten,

      For not having kids, you sure picked up a significant point!

      Yes, it’s not about empty praise.. as you noticed.. it’s about finding specific attributes, however small, and pointing them out.

      This is beyond the scoop of the article but finding positives and commenting on them (especially in front of other people) works beautifully for anyone. Like a spouse for example.

      One of my favorite authors is John Maxwell and he has a book I’ve read numerous times called “Encouragement Changes Everything: Bless and Be Blessed”

      darlene 🙂

  14. Karen Jolly

    September 8, 2013 at 8:53 pm

    Hi Darlene,

    I really appreciated this post. Although my kids are older now there is so much I continue to learn about parenting. Point 16 on lavishing empty praise really resonated with me.

    Because I received so little encouragement and praise when I was young, I constantly praised the kids. Both my daughter and son are extremely creative so everything they did in my opinion was incredible and I told them all the time.

    I have since learned that it is just as detrimental to over praise as it is to under-praise. It doesn’t allow them to develop their own sense of opinion about what they do. They will start seeking out praise, instead of learning to appreciate and decide for themselves.

    Thankfully our children are very forgiving! 🙂 But I truly wish someone had taught me the value of not over praising. It’s good to let them create their own opinion without too much parental influence. Certainly, this does not mean not to encourage or love – but just the part where you decide for them the value of their work.

    Thank you so much for sharing this excellent article.

    • Darlene

      September 9, 2013 at 9:30 am

      Hi Karen..

      Thank you for sharing..

      I was talking to my grown daughter about a time I had hurt her when she was younger, and she looked at me and said “It’s OK mom, I know you did the best you knew.”

      Now my daughter is about to become a mom, and she already has more wisdom than I did at her age.

      darlene

  15. Christy Garrett

    September 9, 2013 at 2:09 am

    This is a great post. I feel that it is important for parents to model the behavior that they expect from their children. Of course, you also want to build your child up instead of tearing them down. If you feel as if your children are going down there wrong road, do what you can to help derail that behavior by working on building up their self confidence and changing the things that you say to them. Even small differences make a huge difference.

    • Darlene

      September 22, 2013 at 5:16 am

      Hi Christy..

      I like how you mention: “Even small differences make a huge difference.” because everything we can do to make a difference.. matters.

      darlene

  16. Adrienne

    September 10, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Hey Darlene,

    Great to see you over here at Harleena’s place and what a great post. Okay, some parents might not think so because when I read the title I thought the same thing you said in the opening sentence. Ouch, that’s rather harsh.

    As you know I don’t have kids but I have plenty of friends that do as well as relatives and I’ve watched how they treated them growing up and in my mind I was thinking the same thing. You are definitely going to have some issues with them because you’re giving them the world and they think that’s how life is with everything. Sure enough quite a few of them have taken the wrong roads and gotten themselves into a lot of trouble.

    I do believe that a lot of the issues that kids face today come from the home although I don’t want to say that the parents are bad people. As we all have learned over time, a good bit of the way we were raised because our parents were raising us the way they were raised so they don’t know any better.

    Things change and we have to think for ourselves the majority of the time.

    This is a real eye opener girl but I’m sure if they read it all the way through they’ll appreciate what you shared. We all just want what’s best for our kids.

    You ladies have a wonderful week.

    ~Adrienne

    • Darlene

      September 10, 2013 at 7:24 am

      Hi Adrienne!

      Great to “see” you. 🙂

      Yeah, you really can’t say anything to parents (especially if you don’t have kiddos) but you’re right, you can often see what’s ahead. That’s what prompted me to write this article. I saw a situation, and I thought “Their kid will never amount to anything, and they don’t have a clue.”

      Course it’s always easier to spot trouble from the outside looking in, but you know, it’s often accurate.

      Hope all is well with you, darlene

  17. Theodore Nwangene

    September 10, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Hello Darlene,
    This really the kind of post every parent should read. I see things like that always down here and, I wonder why a parent should always give in to his child demand whether good or bad, you will only be spoiling the child.

    Its always good to scold and even beat a child when he misbehaves this way, he will know that what he did is not good and will therefore not do it next time.

    There is a popular saying that… You should not spare the rod to spoil the child but, most people always forget that.

    Thanks for sharing.

    • Darlene

      September 10, 2013 at 7:30 am

      Hi Theodore,

      I believe it’s easier to spoil than discipline, which is why so many parents do it.

      I’m wondering if you really meant to say “beat?” On that part I have to disagree. I don’t think beating is the answer. Leading with respect (rather than fear) will go a long way.

      darlene

  18. Corina Ramos

    September 10, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Hello Darlene, so nice to meet you here at Harleena’s place.

    As I was reading down your list the one I need to work on is #9 – following through. This was a problem when they were younger kids.

    With my husband and I both working full time jobs back then we would give the speech “if you don’t do this, I’m gonna…” but we never followed through. My kids aren’t out of control or anything but I do have a hard time getting them to complete their chores and I’m sure it has to do with our lack of following through with discipline.

    Now that they are teens and their mobile phone is their life, I do and I have followed through with discipline like suspending the line for a month for failing grades.

    Great post and thanks so much for the tips! Have a great Tuesday ladies!

  19. Darlene

    September 10, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    Hi Corina!

    My sister helped me a lot with that one.. She told me, stop and think for a minute. Is it worth following through? Are you going to follow through?

    That helped me filter. Sometimes I would just let it go because it didn’t seem important enough to follow thru.

    You are a perfect example of it never being too late. My guess is that yor kids are getting the message you mean business when you take their cell phone down for a month. For a teenager that must be the owrst thing possible.

    Good to see you! darlene

  20. Mayura

    September 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Hi Darlene,

    Welcome to Harleena’s place and a wonderful post which I believe everyone can relate to dear 🙂

    I can relate very well with your post and some of signs are affected to my life too. I can pick #19 as the most irritating sign I’ve been experiencing throughout my life. Ugh… As a child, it’s never easy to go through all of them. I know that many children do survive with all that, but yet they can be victims throughout their lifetime.

    I’m grateful for ’em as they helped me be who I am today 🙂 No room for them in my life again.

    I really appreciate mentioning about being a good example Darlene 🙂 Nothing is better than that I guess. If someone being a good example, most of the heartaches can be eliminated.

    One thing I always find in many parents is that they know all the best things they can give for their children and even advise other parents to do so. But, yet they don’t follow their own advises. Kids notice them. If I could notice them when I was around 10 years old, I believe other kids can too.

    AND even the worst can happen when a kid ask about that from their parents and parents don’t wanna admit 😉 I find that modern kids are too smart for their age.

    I believe parents and those who gonna be parents will read your post carefully and assess themselves to do the best for their children 🙂

    You both have a nice week ahead, Darlene and Harleena 🙂

    Cheers…

    • Darlene

      September 12, 2013 at 5:55 am

      Hello Mayura,

      Oh, and I so often find it hard to be a good example because you’re right, it’s much easier to tell than to do.. but since kids do as we do not as we say, we have to keep trying. 🙂

      If we can change one bad habit per generation, that can be huge to our family’s legacy.

      darlene 🙂

  21. Evelyn Lim

    September 11, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    We are not perfect. So yes, it is inevitable that we make mistakes. Yet, we need to be constantly mindful about the impact that we have on our children.

    I have made many mistakes and I often ask for forgiveness from my own children when I go out of line myself too. It is important to make the home a place where unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness is practiced.

    • Darlene

      September 22, 2013 at 5:18 am

      Hi Evelyn..

      Yes, there is nothing wrong with asking forgiveness.. even from our own kids as you pointed out.. It also teaches them by example.

      darlene

  22. Sue Price

    September 11, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Hi Darlene and Harleena

    As a mother of one child and a step mother of 3 I understand the topic well. Oh and yes my step kids now all have two children each. It is easier to observe than it was when you are in there as a person.

    That is a great list you have there. I think often about how the world has changed. I grew up as a baby boomer being told that sort of message “do as I say” no explanation. Then there was a move to only speaking positively and encouragement and parents (at least in Australia) became almost afraid to discipline their children.

    It is not only about parenting though. 4 kids 4 totally different people and one that got himself into trouble at a young age. I think we also need to learn to do the best we can but realize our kids are free spirits.

    Awesome post Darlene

    Sue

    • Darlene

      September 12, 2013 at 6:00 am

      Thank you Sue.. 🙂

      It is amazing how much the world is changing and altho we make great progress technically, I’m not so sure that we do for our relationships because kids are so disconnected. They think they are connected but when you see everyone at the same table, texting into their phones, what can you say? Personally I don’t call that connecting.

      I sound like my parents now! 🙂

  23. Mary Stephenson

    September 12, 2013 at 1:07 am

    Hi Darlene

    I had only one child and she was a challenge, probably because she had more of my husband’s personality. We did a good job as far as your 20 don’ts, but hindsight we could have done better. As all wisdom seems to come after the fact.

    Mary

    • Darlene

      September 22, 2013 at 5:19 am

      Hi Mary..

      Yeah, hindsight is 20/20 that’s for sure.. but you know, it’s never too late. We are constantly changing and our relationship with our kids is different when they’re adults anyway. 🙂

      darlene

  24. Angela McCall

    September 12, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Hi Darlene & Harleena,

    I have been guilty on some of the 20 signs that you mentioned here. And since this is very personal to me I won’t blurt out them in public. But you are so right. We, parents, are just so naive and ignorant. We don’t realize our actions affects our children. And they are very OBSERVANT. They are alert and pay real attention for even the littlest thing that you do.

    One said to me, “The greatest gift you can give your children are not material things but to have a good marriage.”

    As far as complimenting my children, I have no problem with this. As a child I have been criticized by my birth mother so much that I promised, when I have my kids I will never practice the same thing my mother did to me. I NEVER compare my daughters to one another. Each of them have their own talent and beauty. Green eyes are not better than brown. Or vice versa. But they each have their own unique identity. Each have their own special way of expressing themselves and their beauty.

    Be a good example to your child is so IMPORTANT.

    I realize that NOT all families are perfect and there is NO ONE in this world could ever be perfect. Each and everyone have their own infirmities. Some are severe. Some are mild. But as we go thru life, we can only EXPERIENCE it. We can’t say, “I should’ve been like that…” because I haven’t. I just learned from my own mistakes and when it is done, it is done. Just have to go forward with life and hope the next generation don’t do the same thing.

    If I have to wish something…I wish I’ve known all of these knowledge & wisdom. But we don’t really understand life UNTIL we go through it ourselves. Some gets educated by going to church and share their own experience with like-minded individuals like them. Some do not have the opportunity to even do that. So how do we learn? Experience it.

    Anyway, thank you for such a great post. Have a nice week.

    Angela

  25. Darlene

    September 12, 2013 at 5:51 am

    Hi Angela..

    What an insightful response.

    Yes I happen to also believe: “The greatest gift you can give your children are not material things but to have a good marriage” ..but not everyone is married so I focused on what we can literally control (or change) today.

    Hopping over to read your article on “Focus.” 🙂

  26. Carolyn

    September 15, 2013 at 7:59 am

    Hi Darlene, Welcome to Harleena’s place!

    Wow, what an important article! I see so many of my friends violating the rules you have so wisely set forth here and, with no surprise, their children are misbehaving as teenagers. I’m not the perfect mom, but I realize that at time you have to have your kid hate you.

    Your number two rule really resounded for me. When one of my daughter was 12, she was very sassy to me. I reprimanded her and told her that if she did it again she would be grounded. The next day she did it again so I grounded her for the weekend. She was going to an international school in England at the time and it was the last weekend of the school year. She had been invited to a sleepover party at a friend’s house and the friend was moving out of the country. This was going to be the last time she saw that friend.

    My daughter begged me to go to that party and I felt very guilty but I stuck to my punishment and I was very afraid that the mom of the friend would be upset with me, because I was really punishing her daughter too. Instead, that mom called me and thanked me for enforcing the punishment. She said so few moms did that and she was always frustrated with the moms who caved in to their daughters’ pleas.

    That was definitely the toughest call I had to make as a mom and my daughter truly hated me for that. But she never sassed me again and learned an important lesson. Sticking to your guns is worth it.

    But I also learned: be very careful of the punishment you threaten and consider the consequences. It never occurred to me that my daughter would sass me the very next day and risk missing that party. Her friend moving out of the country was most likely the reason why my daughter was acting out. Perhaps I should have been more understanding or not have threatened such a punishment. I still wrestle with my choice, even though it had the intended effect.

    • Darlene

      September 15, 2013 at 8:06 pm

      Carolyn..

      Thanks for sharing. Such a story to learn from!

      Yes, it was so good you stuck to your word and I can imagine how difficult it was.. but I like how you also noticed in hindsight to be careful of what you “threaten.”

      Really great learning story. 🙂

      darlene

  27. Charmie

    September 17, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Small children are the most sensitive brains and due to this they grab and grasp the things told even once very easily. They are keen observers of your activities and thus its very important that form of you is revealed before them when they are with you.

    • Darlene

      September 20, 2013 at 5:27 pm

      Hi Charmie..

      Yes, the little ones are keen observers.. often more so than we give them credit for.

      I used to think.. my kids forced me to grow up!

      darlene 🙂






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