How Do You Transmit More Than Genes To Your Children

Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio - | 79 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Family & Parenting

mother holding two joyful kids in arms

How much do our children take after us?  If someone were to ask you this question, you’d probably think about genetic inheritance.

For example, if both parents have blue eyes, most likely the child will have blue eyes. If one parent has blue eyes then there’s a 50 percent chance that the child will have blue eyes.

It there’re health issues running in the family, this can also be transmitted to your child.

Your height, body shape, and other physical features, all can be transmitted from parents to children.   But that’s not the only things that parents transmit to their children.

There are other factors which you can transmit to your children that could turn out to be much more important in their life than genetic inheritance.

What else do we transmit to our children? To find out keep reading.

We Transmit More than Just Genes to our Children

Indeed, we transmit way more than our genes to our children. As a matter of fact, there are things that you could transmit to your adoptive children just as well as your biological children.

Whether they are your biological or adoptive children, you transmit those things to them all day long every single day of their childhood.

Unfortunately, there are still too many parents out there who are not aware of this, and therefore, are affecting their children in ways that they probably wouldn’t wish for.

Here is what your children will inherit from you just as well as your genes.

  • Your beliefs
  • Your emotions
  • Your actions
  • Your words

Let’s find out how you transmit those factors to your children.

How do you Transmit your Beliefs to your Child

You may be under the impression that your child will pick up on what you’re telling them more than anything else, but if you believed such thing you would be wrong.

Children pick up way more on their parents’ beliefs and actions than on what they just tell them.

In other words, the “do what I say, not what I do” doesn’t work well with children at all.

For example, if your child knows that you have a weak personality; all your verbal threats to make them behave will go to waste.

On the other hand, if your child knows that you have a strong personality, you won’t even have to threaten him or her at all to get listened to.

Whatever strong beliefs you have about yourself and about life, you will transmit to your child.

If you are an honest person, you don’t have to ever mention the word, you will automatically transmit honesty to your child. However, it also works the other way around of course.

Whatever belief you have about respecting others, respecting the planet you live on, your approach about money, etc., all are strong beliefs that you carry around and transmit to your child whether you are aware of it or not.

It took me to reach age 27 to realize that I had my mother’s beliefs about money. What about you?

Have you thought about some beliefs that you might be carrying around because they were transmitted to you by your parents?

Are such beliefs serving you well?  Are they valid beliefs? If you are a parent, what type of beliefs are you transmitting to your children?  Those are great questions to ask yourself.

parents transmit knowledge to kids

How do you Transmit your Emotions to your Child

Whether you are happy, anxious, jealous, upbeat, depressed, positive, negative, etc., you will transmit your disposition to your child.

When I was a child, because of life events that my mother went through, she became a very anxious person, to the point that it became chronic.  As a child I picked up on that anxiety and became very anxious as well.

Looking back, and with my knowledge of the law of attraction, I can see how this anxiety was a factor in attracting bullies into my life at school.

As a result of all such anxiety accumulated from both what I picked up from my mother and what I was experiencing from bullies at school, I developed a stomach ulcer that became full blown at age 16.

What you need to realize as parents is that results do not show up from one day to the next, but they snowball to a climax, which if you don’t pay attention to or just ignore, you’ll never understand where they came from.

For example, a child may show some aggressiveness or lack of interest in school, but if you don’t try to discern the roots of the problem, you’ll never be able to fix the issue.  Such issues and problems don’t just happen on their own, there’s always a cause.

Remember that if you experience any strong negative emotions or stressful situations, you will transmit those negative vibrations to your child which in time will translate to negative results.

If you experience difficult times as parents, you must child your children that as much as you can.  Just being aware of this will help you in doing so.

How do you Transmit with your Words to your Child

I think that today, given the information that’s available to us, no parent should be ignorant to the fact that their words do affect their children greatly.

Tell your child enough times that he’s good to nothing and it will be so.  However, even without going to such extreme, you can damage your child’s spirit in smaller ways that can go a long way when it comes to their achievements or lack thereof.

There are some words that parents should use very carefully; a few of them are as following. 

Be careful

For example, the expression “be careful”.

While it’s OK and even necessary to use the expression be careful to warn your child from potential danger at times, it shouldn’t be over used, because it can make a child very fearful from trying new things or very nervous each time they do try.

Even much later in life, they will hear that “be careful” voice subconsciously and it can be preventing them from achieving big goals in life.

No

Statistically, a child hears the word NO over 3 times more often than the word YES.

Because of security reasons, the word no may have to be used once in a while, but if you can avoid using the word no and substituting it by another word of some type, or a more fancy explanation that will be very beneficial to your child now and for the rest of his or her life.

Remember that the word no is a negative word, and the less we use it with a child the better it will be for them in the long run.

I’m going to hit you

When I hear a parent tell their child “I’m going to hit you” I have to say that it gives me the shivers.

How many people do you tell that you’re going to hit them, or smack them when they make a mistake or don’t act the way they should? My guess is no one; right?

As a matter of fact, that’s against the law to hit someone in any developed countries.

Yet, parents say this to their own children, whom they love, on a regular basis.  And what’s more is that some parents don’t only threaten their children, but actually hit them, while feeling totally justified.

The truth of the matter is that there’s something truly wrong with this.  As a matter of fact, recent researches have shown that hitting a child affects his brain. For example, a slap in the face can both affect a child’s brain emotionally and physically?

Threatening and hitting a child teach them that they can do the same to others, and that’s an OK thing to do, but most of all it affects their subconscious mind and brain in a very negative way.

A child that has been threatened and hit too much can become an abusing spouse, parent, or both. 

Conclusion 

Everything you ARE, DO, or SAY has a huge impact on your child.  While you can’t control what you transmit to your child genetically, you can control what you transmit to them otherwise.

You transmit way more than genes to your child. You transmit your personality, your way of life, your actions, your beliefs, your emotions, and your words.

It’s up to you to make sure that you transmit positive things that will help your children to live the best life they can live.

Over to you –

Were you aware that you transmit to your children more than just your genes? As a parent, what do you do to make sure that your child leads a better and positive life? Share in the comments below.

 

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos, 123RF Stock Photos



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79 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. Profile photo of Harleena Singh

    Harleena Singh

    May 24, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Hi Sylviane!

    Welcome to my blog as a guest author! It’s wonderful of you to share your expertise with my readers, and you’ve done that beautifully here with a great lesson for all the existing and would-be parents!

    I cannot agree with you more when you say that more than genes it’s the parent’s personality and psyche that influences and shapes a child. The way a parent carries herself or himself, behaves, acts, and talks – all these are more readily absorbed and learned by the children, and it doesn’t matter if that is coming from biological parents, adoptive parents, or even a guardian in the absence of parents.

    Definitely we shape the personality and psyche of our children with our beliefs, emotions, actions, and words. It’s such an important lesson and a fact that every parent needs to know. We, as parents, need to be responsible and careful in expressing ourselves to, and in front of our kids.

    It’s been really wonderful having you on my blog and your wonderful post! I’m sure all readers are going to agree with and love what you offer to them, and hope there’s a good conversation between you and them all! It’s all over to you, Sylviane – Have a great time at Aha!NOW. 🙂

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 24, 2013 at 8:48 pm

      Thank for the opportunity, Harleena.

      As always I enjoyed writing for someone else’s blog and having the opportunity to be sharing my post with a new crowd – your readers 🙂

      The topic that I am discussing in this post is a very important one. Children are the future of the world and the more balanced our children are the better society will be.

      I hope that your readers will enjoy this! And again, thank you, Harleena!

  2. Babanature

    May 24, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Hello Sylviane and welcome to Harleena’s blog,

    Naturally kids are like recorder, they record all what they see there parents or even guardians does. At times i do act straight in front of ma kids but there are some times i’ll act differently. But i always show my good sides in life.

    I have never in any manner shout at my son or tell him i am going to hit him because he understands my light tone 🙂 but if he does something bad, i just punish him 😀

    “NO should never be in a man’s vocabulary” ~ My best line. Thanks

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 24, 2013 at 9:39 pm

      Hi Babanature,

      I’m glad that you agree with this and try to raise your son the best way possible.

      Children will definitely pick up a lot of things from parents, so we need to make sure we can control that in a positive way as much as possible.

      Thanks for your input 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 9:41 am

      Hi Babanature,

      Oh yes – they are like real recorders and that’s why parents have to be all the more careful of their actions and words.

      I know you’re raising your son the right way, and am sure you don’t ever say the words you shouldn’t be saying to him either – especially if he understand all that you are wanting to convey to him in your own way.

      Ah…agree with that last line 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  3. keshav j bhende

    May 24, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    Really Nice article – worth reading it will definitely help, in fact, most parents are aware of transmitting genes to their children, But very rare they might be knowing about transmitting emotions, words, actions, beliefs to the children. I am one of them, definitely I Would like to take care in future. Thanks a lot.

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 24, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Hi Keshav,

      I’m glad you enjoyed this post, and most of all that you’ve learned something reading it.

      I know for a fact that many parents are not aware of such things, indeed. This is to try spead the word!

      Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 24, 2013 at 11:16 pm

      Welcome to the blog Keshav!

      Glad you liked all that Sylviane shared with us here 🙂

      Yes indeed, transmitting their genes is so much easier than transmitting these other wonderful values – isn’t it? Hope more parents realize this fact.

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  4. Gautham A S

    May 24, 2013 at 9:24 pm

    Some bad parenting like saying I’m gonna hit you etc, can have a drastic effect on a kid.

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 24, 2013 at 9:45 pm

      Hi Gautham,

      Yes, and the effects on some adults that I’ve met or even know of such bad parenting are still very obvious.

      It’s sad, but it’s a fact of life. How great will it be when every one knows those basic rules and try to apply them with their kids!

      Thanks for your feedbacks.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 24, 2013 at 11:21 pm

      Welcome to the blog Gautham!

      Absolutely! Hitting is an absolute no-no when raising kids. There are many other ways of conveying what you want to – aren’t there?

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  5. Karen Jolly

    May 24, 2013 at 11:23 pm

    Hi Harleena & Sylviane,

    I often tell my grown kids to please forget everything I taught them! 🙂

    It is a very sobering moment when you realize how many limiting beliefs you pass on to your children. I do believe that when you become aware as a parent of the impact both positive and negative you can be much more present with your kids – and aware of what you are passing on. You are never going to find the perfect way…because there isn’t one, but parents who are honest and open with their kids give them a huge boost forward in life.

    Beautiful post! xo

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 12:14 am

      Hi Karen,

      You seem to be a very smart lady 🙂

      Sometimes when me and my brother used to tell my mom, do you remember when you used to get so frustrated with us and grabbed the belt? That made her feel very bad, and she only wished she had never done that.

      Sometimes, as they aged, parents come to an understanding that they didn’t have before, because we are becoming more and more aware of those things.

      Excellent point you brought up! Thanks for coming by my post 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 25, 2013 at 12:54 am

      Hi Karen,

      I like that 🙂

      You’re right, and without us knowing about it we tend to do that sometimes. I agree there can never be any perfect way and at most times parents guide their kids based on their own learning and experience. Being honest and straight with your kids works best because that’s what you are also passing onto them.

      Thanks for being here 🙂

  6. Ahsan

    May 25, 2013 at 12:01 am

    Hello Sylviane,

    I have to say it is a guideline for every parents how to raise his kids. Yes.. there are are some genes which will be transferred from parents to kids naturally but above all what we do infront our kids will definitely they follow it. So every parents has to be careful what they do or talk near kids. Here kids are watchdog & they will do identical what we show.

    Thanks for valuable article 🙂

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 12:18 am

      Hi Ahsan,

      Yes, children sure take a lot from their parents and it tends to shape their whole life. That’s why it’s such a responsibility to be a parent.

      Thanks for your input.

  7. Shalu Sharma

    May 25, 2013 at 12:20 am

    Very interesting on how you can pass some of your personalities and other traits that are not part of your genes. Seems as if whatever you say or do can have an impact. Seems as if there are hidden or sublime messages that can get embedded in the subconscious mind that can affect in later life. Very nice Syvia.

    • Profile photo of Sylviane Nuccio

      Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 1:52 am

      Hi Shalu,

      Now, my name is Sylviane 😉

      Yes, we pass on a lot of us and our beliefs to our children, no doubt.

      To an extreme degree that’s how deranged people are shaped most of the time – by how their parents raised them.

      When people study the childhood of serial killers, for example, this is so obvious. As an American crime psychoanalyst says, people can create monsters.

      This is extreme of course, but it does happen more often than we would want to.

      Thanks for coming by 🙂

  8. anis

    May 25, 2013 at 2:06 am

    Since I don’t have kids because I’m 18 years old 😉 , but I can say that kids do what they see from their parents.

    An old tale tells that a man always treats his mother really bad with a stick in front of his son, two days later the son picked up the stick in front of his dad, the father asked why you’re holding this stick? The son replied I’ll keep this stick until I grow and do the same thing you’re doin’ to your mom!

    Thank you Sylviane and Harleena for this awesome post have a nice day ahead!

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      Hi Anis,

      Yes, your little story illustrates very well what was said in this post.

      Even if you don’t have kids (and I don’t either) we ALL have been children and can tell what we are happy with or wish our parents did different, don’t we? So, we don’t need to have kids to get that point, indeed!

      Thank you for your input.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 9:44 am

      Hi Anis,

      Kids surely do pick up a lot of things from their parents 🙂

      Loved your story, and that’s just how things are, which is a reminder for all of us to be careful about the way we raise our kids – isn’t it? You’d realize it once you have your own 🙂

      Thanks for your contribution 🙂

  9. Christina

    May 25, 2013 at 3:45 am

    Great article. As a Mom and stepmom I can say that we Moms always do everything we can to do our best.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 8:56 pm

      Hi Christina,

      Yes, most moms do, fortunately. But when we are not aware of certain things, our best may still fall short.

      Thanks for leaving your thoughts.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 9:53 am

      Welcome to the blog Christina – good to see you here 🙂

      You’re absolutely right there – we do try our best, and do what we think is the right think for our kids. Perhaps sometimes we have our drawbacks and need to work on them too.

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  10. Debbie

    May 25, 2013 at 3:59 am

    You right Sylviane. My 3 girls are adults now and sometimes I look at them or hear them and say OOPS!

    My mother was one (bless her heart) she though she was teaching me to do things right, but was always telling me ‘You didn’t do that right.” I grew up thinking I could never do anything right.

    With my girls I was very careful in letting them know it was OK if they didn’t do things just like me.

    Their father was a negative person and verbal abusive would put them and me down. After I divorced him, thank heaven he didn’t care to spend time with them. I always worried about his attitude rubbing off on them.

    You are right our children do become the parents, so we have to think before we speak or act. Thank you Sylviane sharing this post. It is very much needed. Thanks Harleena for your wisdom and Sylviane’s wisdom.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 25, 2013 at 9:01 pm

      Hi Debbie,

      Here you go. That’s what I was just telling the person above, even if we “think” that we’re doing the right thing, such as your mom, but are not aware of certain harmful behaviors we can do bad still.

      Of course, repeating to a kid you didn’t do it right, which most kids wouldn’t anyway, would be a huge mistake that such child will keep with him or her for ever. It would strip a child from his self-confidence big time.

      I’m glad that as a parent, you know better.

      Thanks for your great input.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 9:58 am

      Hi Debbie,

      I can understand you saying that and yes, the feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem are bound to creep in. I’m glad you handled your kids differently and must be seeing the change in them too.

      Oh yes…we need to always be careful of what we say or do in-front of our kids. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing your views 🙂

  11. Viola Tam

    May 25, 2013 at 7:16 am

    Hi Harleena & Slyviane,

    Harleen, thank you so much for inviting Slyviane. There are indeed a lot more than genetics. Action speaks volumes. I was talking to my best friend yesterday that whilst we may not agree to some of the ‘trendy’ materialistic way of living, we do have a personal choice how to live our own lives. Through our own action, we do have an impact on our own children.

    Thanks!! Great post, Slyviane! I love your conclusion!!

    Viola The Business Mum

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 26, 2013 at 4:06 am

      Hi Viola,

      Yes, while people will certainly have different point of views about things, the main point for everyone should be to raise balanced kids that are fit for success, no matter how much or little importance we put on material things.

      You could be living in the desert with only what you have on your back, and be happy and successful, as long as you’ve chosen to live this way.

      Thank you for your feedbacks.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 10:05 am

      Hi Viola – good to see you after long 🙂

      It’s indeed been a pleasure to have Sylviane over as my guest this month and share her expertise here 🙂

      Actions always speak louder than words – don’t they? It all does come down to how we raise our kids and make them good humans.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  12. Corina Ramos

    May 25, 2013 at 8:28 am

    “Everything you ARE, DO, or SAY has a huge impact on your child.” This is so true. My mom would always tell me when my kids were little “they see and hear everything you do so be a good example”. That always stuck with me. Now that they’re teens and young adults I’m especially careful with what I say and do.

    A couple days ago I picked up my kids from school. My daughter was the first one to the car and we had to wait on my son. You know teens, they have to say good bye to the entire student body before they leave 😉

    My daughter starts calling him and he wouldn’t answer. I just sat there watching her redial and get more upset when he didn’t pick up. When he finally gets to the car she starts to drill him about “mom and dad got us a phone so we can call….” I mean going on and on.

    I sat there and thought, man this girl sounds just like me. Even my son said “OK Mom” I couldn’t help but laugh and tease my daughter and tell her that she’s going to get grey hair early…so yeah, they do take after us in a lot of ways. 🙂

    This was a wonderful post Sylviane. Great to see you here at Harleena’s place 🙂 Have a great weekend ladies 🙂

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 26, 2013 at 4:14 am

      Hi Corina,

      Ah, I love your story, and that really shows how children pick up after us. You’ve seen it right there.

      Sometimes I catch myself and I hear my mother. There’s no deny it that we take after our parents.

      Thanks for your input, Corina 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 10:08 am

      Hi Corina,

      Loved to read through your little story with your kids 🙂

      Yes, they do take after us in more ways than one, and we DO need to be extra careful of what all we talk or even don’t talk in-front of them because they are always watching and observing much more than we can imagine!

      Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post. Have a lovely weekend as well 🙂

  13. Oluwaseun Babajide

    May 25, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Sylvianne,

    Welcome on Harleena’s blog. A very wonderful blog and wonderful person. I enjoyed reading this post, infact have been reading it since yesterday have just been busy to comment.

    How do you transmit more than genes to your children is a must read for everyone. I agree with all your points here. After carefully reading it again with my wife, we decided to stop saying “i’m going to hit you”, something we say most of the time even though we do not actually hit our baby. Instead, we will be saying No No instead. I think that makes more sense.

    Thanks for sharing this wonderful article with us
    Have a lovely weekend 🙂

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 26, 2013 at 4:22 am

      Hi Oluwaseun,

      Wow, your comment brought tears to my eyes, because if this post could help just one person it would be all worth it to me.

      I’m so glad you realized how saying “I’m going to hit you” is not a good thing to do. That’s just great dear!

      I know it will take a bit more of your time, but instead explain to them why they shouldn’t be doing this and maybe give them an example of the negative income that would come out of it if they did, but don’t tell them you’re going to hit them for the reasons I’ve explained above!

      I’m glad this helped you in any way and thank for letting me know.

      Let me know how it goes from now on 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      May 26, 2013 at 10:13 am

      Hi Seun,

      Ah..thanks for your kind words 🙂

      I’m so glad you enjoyed Sylviane’s post and could take back so much from it. I agree with you there – just saying those words can have a negative impact on our kids, so why say them at all. “No” is a better option, especially for your baby who is still going through the stage where disciplining is needed, or else even that can be avoided.

      Thanks for your heartfelt comment. Have a lovely weekend too 🙂

  14. Cameron Chardukian

    May 26, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Great Post Sylviane!

    Many parents don’t seem to realize the extent to which they influence their children. The most important gift you can give to your children aren’t material possessions, but beneficial beliefs and growth experiences. I’m only 16 years old myself, but when/if I have kids I’ll be sure to raise them in a way that empowers them and encourages them to be the best they can possibly be.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 27, 2013 at 7:07 am

      Hi Cameron,

      Well, you are a wise young person and you seem to know what to do already when you’ll have kids. That’s just fantastic!

      Thanks for coming by and letting us know that 🙂

  15. Suhas

    May 26, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Hi Sylviane,

    Till I came to the end of the post I did not even realize that this post is not by Harleena. I like the way she writes and also visiting the blog regularly. The topic of this post is really interesting. We do transmit more than genes to our children is in fact very true. You have explained this with good examples here.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 5:16 pm

      Hi Suhas,

      Yes, that has happened to me before. You read the whole post and then you realize that’s not written by the owner of the blog 🙂

      I’m glad you still enjoyed it though!

  16. Jon Mertz

    May 27, 2013 at 3:44 am

    An important thing to think through and act upon. Setting an example is the best way. It can be from activities like reading, learning, contributing, and doing good works. It may not soak in right away, but our actions may last longer than words.

    It is about the experiences, undertaken together or observed. We need to act well, fully, and with the next generation in mind.

    Thanks! Jon

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 5:18 pm

      Hi Jon,

      Yes, indeed, our actions speaks volumes to children. As you said, it may not seem to affect our children right away, but it certainly does. No doubt.

      Thanks for coming by 🙂

  17. Mayura

    May 27, 2013 at 8:41 am

    Hi Sylviane & Harleena,

    I can totally relate here 🙂

    I think I have more qualities inherited from my mother rather than father 😉 Sometimes I feel that’s too much for a boy, but personally I’ve adopted which I believed I couldn’t have back then. So genes won’t come in the way always if we need something the most I guess 🙂

    My mother never threatened me but warn about health issues and such, which is annoying sometimes if you ask me 😀 lol… I know it’s being over-protective.

    But my father always used to come up with blaming and threatening to get something done which can go wrong and worst in the end.

    Hence I used to spend lot of time alone with PC and wear headphones every time ’cause I just don’t wanna listen to blaming even though it’s not for me. You know, I love peacefulness 🙂

    Still, unwittingly I put my headphones on even though I don’t listen to music or watch movies 😀 I realize I had them on without any use for long hours when I take breaks. Then I wonder why I did it 😉

    Next thing is, when I hear the distant voice of my father, I always get the feeling that he’s blaming for someone or about something 🙂 That voice keep working in my head until I confirms that he’s not blaming at all.

    I think it’s implanted in mine since childhood 🙂 Feel like controlling me sometimes, so I always keep my ears filled with music 😀 lol…

    With what I’ve experienced, I believe being careful with our actions always matters 🙂 You never know until next time when your child do the same in front of you.

    You have a lovely week there dear 🙂

    Cheers…

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 7:07 pm

      Hi Mayura,

      I guess you’re another example of what a mistake it is for a parent to be negative in any way.

      Your story reminded me a friend of mine who had a very negative mother, yelling and mean too, and he used to run the hair dryer so it would cover his mother’s voice. To this days, as now a middle age man, he needs a hair dryer to fall asleep. So, I hear you, Mayura.

      Some parents makes grave mistakes that affect their children long after the parent has gone. Parents need to be aware of that.

      Thanks for sharing this with us, and have a wonderful week.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:19 pm

      Hi Mayura,

      I can so well understand because I know how it was like with your father 🙂

      Yes, certain things from our childhood go on with us for years to come, just as your headphones that you might now put on even when you aren’t listening to music, but just because that was what you used to do when you were young, to keep away from your dad’s harsh tones. I guess it gives a feeling that now too he might be using the same tones and ways, even though he’s not.

      I do hope parents learn to keep their negative feelings and reactions within limits and realize the effect it has on their kids.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post as you always do. 🙂

  18. Indrani

    May 27, 2013 at 11:03 am

    This learning is a never ending process, where we as parents can’t afford to make mistakes. Good read!

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 7:10 pm

      Hi Indrani,

      Yes, that’s right. It’s almost impossible not to make any mistake at all, but we must do our best to avoid them as much as we can.

      Thanks for coming by my post 🙂

  19. Hiten

    May 27, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    Hi Sylviane,

    This was a wonderful article and Harleena, thanks for having Sylviane over!

    Sylviane, although I don’t have kids, when I do I’m going to be so mindful about what I say, do, emote and the beliefs I express in front of my kids for all the important reasons you described in your article. I know parents try their best but I have to frank about this, as some parents are clueless when it comes to understanding something like how the language they use can have a massive impact on their kids.

    Thank you.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 7:15 pm

      Hi Hiten,

      I’m so glad that as a future parent you already know what to do and what not to do with your kids. I agree some parents are just clueless when it come to saying and doing things in front of their children. I know a lot of such parents, sadly. Let’s hope they can read this 🙂

      Thanks for your feedbacks, and have a great week!

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:21 pm

      Hi Hiten,

      Yes indeed, it sure was a pleasure to have Sylviane over and share her thoughts with us on the subject.

      I know for sure, you are going to make a wonderful father, whenever the day comes. I don’t think you’d really need to go through any of these posts 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  20. Lilas

    May 27, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    Great articles, great opinion:)

    Parents have to give to their children great advices in order they to become good and useful to our world:)

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 7:17 pm

      Yes, indeed Lilas,

      Thanks for coming 🙂

  21. Sanjeev

    May 27, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    As they say, Actions speak louder than words. One can also safely add that parent’s actions can at times speak louder than their genes.

    I remember that as a kid I used to many a times tell myself that when I am a father, I’ll not do this or that. And yet, quite often, I catch myself doing exactly the same thing when I am dealing with my children. I think more often that not, the parent’s actions have Pavlovian effect – something that can be a great positive influence on our children and at other times can be quite devastating.

    A number of readers above have said that when they become parents they will be careful. I am sure they can be so if they slowly count till 10 before they respond to their children’s actions. And it is easier said than done. I am still learning to do that.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 7:28 pm

      Hi Sanjeev,

      Thank you for your honest comment.

      As you said, actions speak louder than genes, and yes, even though we coconsciously know that something might not be good, subconsciously is another story. That’s why we catch ourselves doing something that we’ve sworn we wouldn’t do. Thus the importance of that early child programming by the parents.

      Thank you for sharing this with us

  22. Ilka Flood

    May 27, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    Hi Sylviane and Harleena,

    I so agree with your post, Sylviane, in that we pass along much more than just genes to our children. Our kids watch what we do and listen to what we say from an very early age and in many ways become just like us when they grow up. So yes, absolutely, that’s why it’s very important how we act around them and best watch the words that come out of our mouths. Especially small children take everything their parents say for the truth.

    Very informative article! Thanks for sharing your insight Sylviane and thanks Harleena for inviting Sylviane to guest post.

    Ilka

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      Hi Ilka,

      Yes, what’s more is that children take anything their parents say for the “the truth”. That’s how much power parents have. So, if we tell our kid you’re stupid, they are truly going to believe it. So, that’s really something we can’t afford to take lightly.

      Thank you for your input.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:26 pm

      Hi Ilka,

      Yes indeed, kids are so vulnerable that they WILL take our words to be the truth, even if it’s not always the case, which is all the more reason we need to be careful of each word we utter or what all we do in-front of them. Everything goes down into their little hearts and minds, and stays there forever.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  23. Donna Merrill

    May 28, 2013 at 1:08 am

    Hi Sylviane,

    It is great to see you here on Harleena’s blog!

    To be a parent, we need to watch our words. Reading through this post, I can look back when I was growing up my daughter. I was mindful of my own fears. I was afraid to swim, ice skate and ride a horse.

    I did not want to transmit those fears to my daughter. Instead, I would talk positive about her interests of the above. Gave her lessons and told her it would be better for a “professional” to teach you than me, so you would learn things I may not know.

    She was surprised when I told her later on in her life that I was afraid of those things.

    Transmission of words can do a heck of a number on a child. That word NO is such a problem. We as parents need to get around that one because it surely doesn’t work..

    These are excellent tips you have given us and I thank you. The most important thing in the world is our children. And if we don’t have them, we can pass this message on to those who do.

    -Donna

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 11:26 pm

      Hi Donna,

      You comment made me think about how my mother was scared of water and never knew how to swim. On the other hand, the first time I was in a real pool, I told my mother that I didn’t want to ring around my stomach and asked her to take it off since I didn’t need it.

      She took it off and before she knew it I was swimming on the on the 6 foot side of the pool. She was frighten but she didn’t let her own fear of water affect me which is a good thing, because I’ve never feared water and knew how to swim instantly. As a joke we used to say that I must have been a fish in another life 🙂

      I’m glad that you made sure not to transmit your own fears to your daughter. My mother tried not to for the most part, but she had so many stupid fears herself from her own mother. While she loved her mother she didn’t like the way she was raised, so she tried hard not to make her mother’s mistakes.

      Thank you for sharing your story 🙂

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      Hi Donna,

      It sure was wonderful to have Sylviane over and share her views 🙂

      I think you did the right thing of not transmitting your fears into your daughter, though most parents don’t realize this fact. Similarly, if one parent doesn’t like a certain food, they don’t cook it in the house, which results in the child not knowing the taste of that food! Why? Just because the parent doesn’t like it, so it’s assumed the child won’t or because the parent has a fear or dislike, so the child must follow their footsteps, which is all so wrong!

      I know most parents use the word NO, but now we know why we shouldn’t be using it, instead find ways to make that NO a YES, and watch the difference it would have on your child.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂

  24. Gladys

    May 28, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Hello Harleena and Sylviane,

    What an excellent article and eye opener.

    Sylviane, I can literally attest to your article.I certainly know from experience with my dad, that genes are not the only thing we pass on to our children. I grew up with my dad’s negative words that I would not be anybody, that I did not have worth and many other negative words, but I made a promise to myself when I was younger (before I had children) that I would convey a message of love to my kids. Yes sometimes we are unaware of our actions, but children see everything and model what they see.

    Parents need to be conscious of why they are parents and be mindful of the words we say, because children will believe what a parent says, right or wrong… they believe what they hear. My dad said I was not worth anything, never told us (his eight children) that he loved us, and it did much harm to our lives. But Sylviane, I am so thankful that I am not the same as my dad. Even though he has passed, I forgave him and loving my kids (my youngest is 32 and my oldest is 44) I love my kids and I make sure I tell them. They are sharing their affections and love with their own children. I just sit back and smile.Thank you again and I love your articles. So inspiring.

    Thank you Harleena for having my friend Sylvaine on your blog.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 28, 2013 at 11:41 pm

      Hi Gladys and nice seeing you here.

      I remember very well you telling me about the way your father raised you and your siblings and how it affected all of you.

      This is one of the most extreme cases that we hear of sometimes where one of the parents is overly negative and can do some drastic damage to their kids. Some people do recover from such parenting like you did, some don’t. That’s why it’s extremely ugent that parents of today do not make such mistakes and be aware of the concequences.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:48 pm

      Hi Gladys,

      I agree with Sylviane that such cases are really when things are in extreme and go out of control, though I wish it weren’t so bad with your Dad and all of you. But I know as you mentioned about it in an earlier post too, which saddens me as to how things can sometimes get.

      Even after all that you went through, it’s commendable how you came out of it all,and I know for sure this would never be the way you’d treat your kids. I guess we see to the brighter side of such a behavior that it made you a much better parent – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂

  25. Christy Garrett

    May 28, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Children learn the most by watching modeled behaviors and trust me they are watching you like a hawk. Little do you know you teach your children your values, beliefs, how to treat people, and so much more just by watching what you say and do. So if you don’t want your wee one copying your bad behaviors you are going to have to make sure that you don’t do those in front of your children.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 29, 2013 at 3:57 am

      Hi Christy,

      That’s right. Your are perfectly correct, thus my post.

      Thanks for your input.

  26. Anne

    May 28, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I agree that we transmit more than genes to our children. However, I have to mention that I don’t believe that children will take on all you ‘transmit’ to them when they become adults.

    I was beaten and abused as a child but have never done this to my children. I realise how much it hurt me and didn’t want to inflict the same pain on anyone else.

    My grandmother had lots of beliefs which I do not have as an adult. She may have influenced me as a child, but I chose to learn and re-learn many things and now have my own beliefs and principles.

    Of course, growing up poor did a world of good to me because now I value what I have and don’t take it for granted. I recognise that a lot of my ‘carefulness’ about living, life and money comes from the fact that I didn’t have much as a child.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 29, 2013 at 4:05 am

      Hi Anne,

      Oh, I totally agree. I have almost none of the limited beliefs both my grand mother and mother had. So I get that. However, it’s like the a chance game there’s a 50/50 percent chance that you will or won’t be affected. Just like physical features.

      Thankfully you’ve not become a child hitter, but you could have. And that had to bring you some trauma early on in life.

      Thankfully, we have a full brain that we can use and we do not have to believe everything we were taught. Myself, I have questioned every single thing I was ever taught and chose what served me and what didn’t.

      Thank you for your input.

  27. I. C. Daniel

    May 29, 2013 at 4:11 am

    I’m not a parent yet, I’m young… I’ve got 21 years.

    It might take few years to become a parent. Is not so hard but is a hard after that.

    Nice reading your tips Sylviane. See you next time here on Harleena website.

    Best regards from I. C. Daniel

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 30, 2013 at 4:25 am

      Hi I.C. Daniel,

      You’re so funny, it’s not so hard, but it’s hard after that? Well, it should become easier as you get more knowledge about what affects children.

      Thanks for coming 🙂

  28. Barbara Charles

    May 29, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Hi Sylviane,

    I found your article extremely interesting. I was one of those parents that I guess, that displayed confidence. My children, all 3 are particularly strong and full of confidence. I love to see it in them.
    I also only had to look at them (give them the look 🙂 and they would immediately stop what they were doing and settle down. If I had to raise my voice, they would have died! But ‘the look’ was always enough.

    I myself was not so confident growing up being threatened as you mentioned by my mother on a regular basis and sometimes smacked or spanked for her punishment for what she thought was indiscretions.

    When I left home, my confidence was long in coming, but I was always smarter than everyone around me so excelling in school and in my career raised my confidence level. By the time I had children, I vowed to instill them with confidence and love. I felt with those attributes they could go anywhere. They were already smart so what more did I need them to be.

    All 3 – 1 boy, 2 girls are mature, confident adults now. The older two are surgical technicians and the youngest decided not to complete 10 year career playing the violin (sad, sad for me), but is finishing up her degree as a neurodiagnostic technician.

    If parents when we pass on the traits that are positive, we can’t help but be proud. Your article is incredibly insightful for those who are not aware.

    Thank you for writing about this. Thanks for sharing.
    Barbara

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      May 30, 2013 at 4:35 am

      Hi Barbara,

      I’m so glad that you are, indeed, aware, because let me tell you I’ve met more people in my life that weren’t than those that were.

      I can recall parents saying the worst things to and about their kids in front of them. I real disaster! That’s why psychiatrists and psycho-therapists have so many clients to take care off. All those people who were fed bad stuff during they childhood. Some to a lesser degree, but some not pretty at all.

      It’s a blessing that you’ve raised three successful children. Successful, meaning, not only in their careers but in their heads. There are many “successful” people that are not right in their head too 🙂 So I don’t call this successful.

      Thanks for your great input!

  29. Johan Bengtsson

    May 30, 2013 at 8:13 pm

    How you act and behave around your child is so important, especially in the early years. Thanks a lot for this great post Sylviane.

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      June 3, 2013 at 4:09 am

      Hi Johan,

      I’m glad you like it.
      Thanks for coming.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 4:26 pm

      Welcome to the blog Johan!

      I agree with you there, and all that we do, our kids are always watching us. So, we better be careful ALL the time 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  30. Adrienne

    May 31, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Good to see you Sylviane and what an interesting post.

    So as you know, I also don’t have any children but here is a great question for you.

    There are three kids in our family and of course we were all raised the same way. The same morals, values, picked up on the same emotions from our parent, were taught the same rules, disciplined the same way, etc. So how come my sister which is the first born, is so totally different then my brother and I? I’ve often times wondered that. She was the rebellious one where we pretty much behaved. My mother definitely had that strong personality and you did not disobey her.

    Can’t wait to hear your answer to that.

    ~Adrienne

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      June 3, 2013 at 4:33 am

      Hi Adrienne,

      I’m glad I came back here to check and saw your comment.

      Well, when you see 2 or 3 or more children raised the exact same way, you can’t expect them to be exactly the same. Characters, and personality are still pretty unique. And, then there are others facts of life that can get in the way.

      But whatever the personality of the person, what we teach our children as parents will still touch them in many ways.

      For example, my mother, aunt and uncle were raised the same way, yet they are so different to the point that my mom being the most active/fast paced one would lose it with her sister and brother sometimes. Yet, they did have the same values.

      I was raised exactly the same way than my brother, yet, we are very different too. What we do have in common, though, is the values that our mother taught us, but that doesn’t make us to have the same personality.

      For example I was always more rebellious than my bother, but more forgiving. I was always considered to be the nicest one, but it’s because I suffered more than him at school. I know now and I’ve always known that my bother is not kinder than me, just different. My mom knew that too.

      We all have different personalities, even among siblings. Look at animals? They do too. My Tony and Sophie (my kitties) were siblings, yet so different too. Kitties from the same litter, both totally attached to me and loving, but man, two different cats in personality.

      We can’t expect less from humans. Now like animals, some of us are mean, and that doesn’t always has anything to do with what we were taught, it could be just part of a person’s personality. There are such things as bad seed, as we call them.

      I hope this helps a bit.

      Thanks for coming, Adrienne!

  31. Chery Schmidt

    May 31, 2013 at 9:58 am

    HI Harleena, You made a great choice in having Sylviane Nuccio as your guest blogger, This is a Great Post!!

    As a single parent when raising my boys it was very important for me to say as well as do the right things to help live in a positive atmosphere.

    There dad was a alcoholic so I had to be the meanie and make excuses as to why they were not allowed to go visit him all the time. Of course this was very hard for me to do without bad mouthing him.

    To this day my boys are very Grateful that I raised them and not their dad they both know was doing what was best for them at the time.

    Loved This Post Thanks Girls and Have a Great Weekend.. Chery 🙂

    • Sylviane Nuccio

      June 3, 2013 at 4:47 am

      Hi Chery,

      Wow, I can’t only imagine how tough it was for you. When there is what I call a “bad parent” it’s not fun for the other parent as they have to lie, sometimes, and of course not fun for the kids.

      When my father died suddenly in a car accident I was 5 and in those days, parents didn’t believe in saying the truth about death to a small child.

      So my mother said to me that he went on a business trip. Problem is he didn’t come back from it, so by the time I learned the truth I suffered from the abandonment syndrome.

      It’s a good thing that parents are more educated these days about these things.

      Thanks for coming.

    • Profile photo of Harleena Singh

      Harleena Singh

      June 11, 2013 at 3:57 pm

      Hi Chery – good to see you, and yes, Sylviane is a great choice for this post 🙂

      I can well understand how tough it must have been for you, being a single parent, when the both of us at times have a tough time with our kids!

      Oh dear…that must have been so tough, to keep them away from their father, yet there was no other alternative. I’m glad they appreciate the right decision you took way back then, which is what matters most at the end of the day.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us 🙂






Read more posts in the category: Family & Parenting




How Do You Transmit More Than Genes To Your Children

by Sylviane Nuccio time to read: 6 min