Is Divorce Necessary
Table of Contents
Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not instigating you to get divorced!
You know that mostly I write about how to revive a marriage and improve relationships.
So, you might be wondering why I decided to write about divorce.
Well, divorce and marriage are related, yet poles apart. Divorce happens when a marriage fails.
I’ve never favored divorce, but I do know that there are times when it seems there’s no other option left in hand to make a marriage work.
However, I do believe that before deciding when to divorce, you should ask yourself if you really need a divorce in the first place.
Sometimes, you strongly begin to believe that you need a divorce because you get influenced by cases similar to yours that ended in a divorce, or by suggestions of your friends and people around you.
These are some confusing times and situations that a married couple faces when things don’t go awry in a marriage.
What should one do?
For people who’re in love or are happily married, divorce might sound like a sad state of affairs.
No doubt, divorce is surely a sad thing to happen, but at times its end result goes in favor of one or both of the parties concerned.
Let’s try to understand a bit about divorce.
“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson
What, Why, and When to Divorce
Nobody gets married with the aim of getting divorced.
The only thing that is on your mind when you propose or are proposed for marriage is – love and romance and being there for each other, forever.
However sadly, as the stats state, about half of the marriages fail in the United States. Similarly, the trend is catching up with other countries as well, though it’s not as yet as bad.
I don’t want to discourage you from getting married, but I’m just stating a fact to make you aware.
I’ve always advocated for marriage and I’ve even mentioned that married people are happier than singles in an earlier post of mine.
Of course, there are problems between even the most loving partners, but there are also ways to solve the love problems in a marriage.
But when something unexpected happens at some point of time in the married life of some people, their life begins to get more bitter than better.
You can read my post on the reasons why a marriage gets bad for some people:
>> Why does a bad marriage happen?
A bad marriage makes life miserable. It’s then that people think of divorce.
Generally, when couples are exhausted after making all attempts to revive their marriage and lose all hopes of being able to live together, they decide to break up or disassociate with each other.
Separation disunites the couple, and the next thing they want is to formally terminate the marriage.
Divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage.
“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” ~ Helen Rowland
Should You Really Get Divorced
Divorce is a serious step to take.
When things come to a head and so as to say all that you’re left with is to bang your head on the wall – it’s time to divorce.
This is, however, after you’ve made all possible reconciliation attempts and efforts to resolve the issues, whether big or small.
Though, I still believe that you must try your best to avoid divorce for petty issues and reasons that can be resolved with time and efforts.
Life can become rather more challenging after divorce, especially if you’ve children and you retain their custody.
There’s always an impact of parents’ divorce on children and you need to keep that factor under consideration when you think of a divorce.[colored_box color=”red”]Remember, life after divorce may not be easy, and there’s no guarantee that your second chance, if you ever plan getting married again, will be better than the first one.[/colored_box]
Statistics reveal that second marriages have the same or even higher rate of divorce than the first marriages. Of course, there are exceptions where life becomes much better after you remarry.
Even if you decide to stay unmarried after your divorce, the financial burden and family responsibilities bog you down.
Being single again is a lonely life to lead unless you have your family and friends all the time around you.
For some divorced singles life gets better if they find a purpose of life and dedicate themselves to a mission, or work towards a goal that also becomes their passion to make life meaningful.
However, if you’re not financially capable or independent before and after your divorce, and you do not have any external financial support, then you need to rethink about going in for a divorce – for issues that can be somehow worked upon and resolved.
Make sure you can arrange for the money that will be needed for the lengthy and costly court battles.
“If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin
Some statistics reveal that the life expectancy of married men and women is more than those of divorced people. They also stay happier for a longer period than those who’re divorced.
But I feel this cannot be generalized, as I know some of my very good friends are leading much better and happier lives after their divorce.
I think it all comes down to how bad the marriage was, how much you suffered in it, and the quality of life thereafter, which must be better than what it was earlier for you to be happy.
The emotional trauma of divorce does have an impact on the physical health of some people. Generally, women undergo depression and more mental health problems than men after a divorce.
Remember, the divorce may not really make your life better. There are a host of other problems that you may have to deal with in the post-divorce period.
However, I’d myself suggest that you should go in for a divorce in certain cases.
“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke
When It IS Time to Divorce
People who’ve been in a bad marriage will tell you from their experience that there are at least three types of cases or situations in a marriage, which are a definite reason to take divorce.
1) Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse
2) Cheating or infidelity
3) Substance abuse and addiction
No matter how much you try, it’s not easy to change a person. In many cases, women decide to stay in a marriage even if they keep suffering. They wait and hope for their partners to behave normally and become faithful.
Wait, but then for how long?
If even after showering all the love and attention you’re taken for granted and abused again – do you really think you need to live in such an abusive relationship?
The cheater remains a cheater. The alcohol and drug addict refuses to choose you over the addictions. The porn addict tries to take advantage of your compromising attitude and abuses you sexually.
Such a relationship in a marriage leads to emotional, mental, and physical trauma.
“When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can be even worse.” ~ Monica Bellucci
It has been suggested by all those who’ve been in a similar situation and who tried all they could – to walk out of such a marriage as soon as possible.[colored_box color=”red”] Take immediate action before your soul is shattered, you lose all the self-respect, and you become a helpless victim. [/colored_box]
If you’re in the same boat, then perhaps it’s time for you to divorce. No matter what your beliefs are, move away from such a person to get your life back.
Never let yourself be humiliated, treated as an object, and taken for granted. A person, who does that, doesn’t really love you.
Nevertheless, there are some exceptional cases when such a person realizes his/her mistake, repents, and pledges to commit himself/herself to the marriage.
Such a person might even really change. But you need to be very careful – use your judgment and sixth sense before coming to any conclusion.
Confide to your family and friends, and preferably take professional help before making any hasty decisions to accept such a person back in your life.
“Peace, of course, is different from divorce; indeed, in essential respects, divorce is the opposite of peace.” ~ Douglas Feith
More Reasons Why You Might Need a Divorce
If you’re in a relationship that you don’t like and even after trying to make all the efforts, nothing works – it might be time to part ways.
If your spouse becomes a person that you hate, and the requirements to make the marriage work turns you into a person you don’t like, then you need to rethink on the status of your relationship.
You need to think if and when to divorce, if you’re:
- Living constantly in fear of abuse, which develops a scare in you.
- Forced to change your belief system that you’re uncomfortable with.
- Denied your rights and needs to live your life the way you want.
- Stifled and suffocated in your marriage.
- Distanced from your family and friends against your will.
- The only one who tries to make the marriage work.
- Not in sync with your spouse and no longer have anything in common.
- Always criticized, degraded, nagged, ridiculed, and intimidated by your partner.
- Already divorced emotionally and all efforts to rekindle love have failed.
- Always fighting and facing problems with your spouse, and counseling don’t help.
There can be more reasons that are clear indications of your failed marriage, if they cannot be resolved amicably and mutually.
If you feel you’re wasting your time, energy, and life being with a person who cares the least for you – get away from such a person.
And if such a person doesn’t believe in improving his/her ways, and continues to mistreat you even after your efforts and professional intervention, you know it’s time to take divorce and move on.[colored_box color=”red”]Always remember that it takes two to tango, and two equally responsive and responsible partners to make a marriage work. You cannot make the marriage work entirely on your own.[/colored_box]
Everybody looks for happiness in marriage.
But mere unhappiness in a marriage cannot be a reason to go in for a divorce. Both partners need to work at their marriage to bring in the happiness and love, if it’s missing.
Going in for a divorce is a difficult decision, and it depends on various factors for every couple as no two marriages are alike.
The time when to divorce has to be your call after comprehensive assessment, analysis, evaluation, and treatment of your relationship.
When you’re going through a bad marriage and you’re deeply affected and tormented, it might not be possible for you to deal with your marital problems in a calm and rational manner.
To avoid causing further damage to yourself or your relationship, you should go ahead and seek professional help by finding a qualified marriage counselor.
I know it’s a very hard decision, but if this is the only way out – go ahead and free yourself from the torment you have been going through and lead a happy life. You deserve it. 🙂
Let’s have your views by taking this poll:
Is the result as you expected?
“I think that the divorce rate’s over 50% for a reason. I don’t think people are taking enough time now to really see if they can make it work and live together.” ~ Channing Tatum
Over to You –
Do you believe divorce is a good solution if things don’t work? How did you realize you need a divorce or know when to divorce? Would you like to give any word of advice to those undergoing a bad marriage? Please share in the comments.
Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos
I have been through a divorce. I do not believe in divorce but I also do not believe in being abused or watching my children be abused. While I got a divorce I do not think people should divorce just because they are unhappy. If you are just unhappy I think you should try to work things out.
In my case our lives were in danger and we (my children and I) ended up running. This included a 45 minute 911 call. The ensuing divorce was the worst years of my life. I tried really hard to make sure my children were affected as little as possible by the divorce. I truly think that the divorce had much less affect on my children though than the marriage did and living with someone who abused us all.
Very Sadly sometimes the only right thing to do is to get a divorce. This being said by someone who whole heartedly does not believe in divorce.
I see a lot of selfishness in my clients. It is not on purpose but comes out of a place of hurt and defense. This continues to poison. People can be too stubborn and it ruins the marriage.
I LOVE the quotes you peppered through this one!
For me the question is, “Why did you get married in the first place?” If your answer is one of the following:
1. My mother was bugging me to get married.
2. All of my friends were married.
3. I thought loved him/her.
4. It was a marriage of convenience.
5. I didn’t want to die alone.
6. My religious leaders said I had to get married.
7. I was in Las Vegas and it seemed like a good thing to do.
You may want to get divorced.
I believe divorce happens when two people, who came together in their lives at a certain time, got married under ‘false’ pretenses. Without sounding to “woo-woo,” maybe you had some sort of lesson to learn. Maybe you married your partner because you were vulnerable or feeling ashamed that you couldn’t stand up to the people around you. The marriage served as a ‘life lesson,’ albeit a tough one.
I believe divorce is a good solution when one partner doesn’t want to be in the relationship. Why hold onto to someone when they want to be cut loose? Who knows… maybe you and your partner will be reunited in a few years.
My advice experiencing a bad marriage is to get to the “root” of it. Why is the marriage bad? What happened along the way? Hopefully you and your partner will seek counseling and work it out. If not, divorce is an option.
There are many divorced women in my family. I’m saddened and grateful at the same time because I’ve learned many life lessons, even though I didn’t have to experience any of them.
I divorced my husband a few years ago. We sleep walked into marriage after being together for 8 years. The marriage was much shorter. In some ways I don’t regret it because both of us are happy with other people now and we didn’t have children. However, I do think that if I had known then what I know now we could have saved our marriage. In many ways we were a great match. I believe that we are given very little support and advice on how to keep a marriage healthy and fall for the rose tinted image of what a marriage should be like – the fairy tale – rather than the rewarding, fulfilling but often hard reality of life with someone else.
Harleena, I can identify with this topic because I have been married. Although, divorce taught me a lesson about our approach to relationships. I do not believe we spend enough time getting to know each other.
I can say for myself, even though the two years I dated my wife is almost unheard of these days I still say it was not long enough.
We did not place ourselves in uncomfortable positions and I think that is helpful because that is how you really get to know the person.
I married young so I tried to avoid many situations that might cause conflict in retrospect I believe that was an error on my part.
Because if a person can not handle a little argument what will they do when things get really bad?
When things are really out of control and when you tend to feel good spending time out of your home and feel worst to come back, I think it could be a possible indication to call it off.
I think Divorce is necessary when the wife already tried to make the marriage work and she no longer feels safe around her spouse. I’m referring to drug addict or alcoholic husbands. Also when there’s a third party involved and the spouse no longer wants to stay married. Why hold on to someone who already has someone else? If it’s not a healthy relationship, then there’s no point of staying married. Some people go into marriage because the attraction was so strong and when the attraction fades they decide to get a divorce which is a sad thing. People should take marriage seriously.
I realise that some people definitely can’t help divorcing because the relationship has come to a complete halt. However, some people do go into marriage with the view that they can always divorce if it doesn’t work. I mean, people have said this to me, so it’s obviously a mind-set.
I think that this is a recipe for disaster. If you’re not prepared to work on your problem from the start, what chance have you got, right?
You’re right that second marriages fail as much (or even more than) first marriages. By then people may have kids and kids add a different aspect to relationships. People have even more to fight about. Kids can be a real source of argument because parties can’t love each other’s kids as much as they love their own.
Anne, your words are full of wisdom and you are speaking the truth because it is really happening to me right now that is why I am here to read more and understand the facts before getting into divorce. The problems I am faced with are many. What needs to be done if your wife is abusive and rude to your families? Constantly insulting your kid whose mother died during child birth? Encouraging her families to stay in with us but don’t want to see my family around. Worse of all, say all manner of evil about you only because you have lost a job that was taking care of us and her families. I really need to know because I am really thinking about calling it a day……….
Everybody wants to have one marriage and the only one marriage for the rest of their life, but it kinds of hard when each other doesn’t know how to take a step back and show love to each other. Plus when the problem comes that make you feel like you have to divorce, I don’t really think is necessary but to work it out.
Thank you – Ferb
I wish I could say I can’t relate to this post Harleena but you know I can.
I was always taught in church and by my parents that marriage was forever. So when I entered into it that’s the attitude I had. Soon after our honeymoon though I started to see his true colors, ones I’d never seen while we dated.
Although he never laid a hand on me, he did on his son and that’s something I would never tolerate. He was very controlling and manipulating to the point of degrading at times.
Over the course of our two year marriage we argued a lot and I’m more of a talker. Eventually I went to my parents and told them what was transpiring and they immediately wanted me to get a divorce. I was shocked because that’s not how I was raised.
I then went to my preacher and had a talk with him and he said the same thing. That God wouldn’t want you to live like this when it’s one sided and you have no control over his actions.
I didn’t listen to either of them but went to counseling next. That lasted about ten weeks and then it all came to a head. Our divorce ended up being because he threatened me with it yet I took it all the way and I was free within two months. I’ve never looked back and I’ve never remarried.
I don’t wish heartache and an unhappy marriage on anyone. It will destroy you if you don’t get out.
Wow, Harleena, both you article and the comments are incredibly insightful. I love the quotes too! You did a great job of conveying the seriousness of the decision with the considerations that must be taken.
I also enjoyed Bren and the other commenters who point out that people need to consider marriage more seriously before they enter into their vows. I often thought that instead of a fun wedding and reception, or perhaps before it, couple should have to endure a test of endurance to prove their true love for each other. Often I think people are so excited about having a wedding that they don’t focus on the marriage.
I have never been divorced but have been close to those who have divorced. The people I know really did try everything before divorcing. Their only regret was waiting as long as they did to end the marriage. It’s very sad to go through but they all ended up much better off outside their marriages.
Thanks for your thorough and helpful coverage of this important topic, Harleena!
I’m one of the lucky ones second time around – I’ve been married to my second husband for nearly 20 years. But it’s first time around for my husband, who’d never been married before. My first marriage was a big mistake, but I would have stuck with it, had my husband not deserted me – I found divorce a devastating experience, extremely traumatic, just like a bereavement, only worse in some ways, because I felt such a sense of failure and shame at the time. However, in retrospect, I think my ex-husband probably did us both a favour, realising we weren’t really that compatible. Fortunately, there were no children involved – I think that must make it very difficult.
I found answering your poll very hard, because I wanted an option that said “it depends….” – I don’t think you can have a hard and fast rule about this. In some cases, divorce is the right way ahead, if a relationship has irreparably broken down. No-one should be condemned to a life-time of misery because they’ve chosen the wrong partner. We all make mistakes – I believe in second chances 🙂
Another thought-provoking post, Harleena, very sensitively handled – many thanks 🙂
My husband and I have been married almost 20 years and last summer, after years of him taking out his frustrations verbally on me, I told him I was leaving him and going to stay with family out of state. When I called my aunt to ask for her advise she asked me something that I never forgot, she asked, “Have you done everything possible yet so you can say you ‘earned’ your way out of your marriage?”
Needless to say, it was at that moment that my husband saw the light and understood I was serious about being treated as his equal, not his verbal punching bag, and we’ve been doing great for a year now.
Too many people haven’t “earned” their way out of their marriages and at the first, or maybe even the second, time they’re unhappy…they just divorce.
More times than not it’s selfish motivation for divorce, finding every excuse to justify their behavior and the destruction of their families.
No one ever said we all “deserve” to be happy. There’s never been a promise or a guarantee of happiness. Even our constitution says we have a right to pursue it, not always get it.
Life is simple, you’re a kid, you go to school, you grow up, you get married and raise more kids before you die. Anything in between is just a little bit extra.
The bottom line is you share a toilet, a shower, a bed and all of your money with one person for the rest of your life, so of course you’re going to get on each others nerves. Didn’t we all despise our siblings or parents once in a while when we lived with them everyday?
99% of the population deserves a second chance, and sometimes our spouses even deserve a 3rd or a 4th.
Thank God my aunt asked me that question because I can now happily say that even though I still want to hit my husband over the head with a frying pan from time to time, my six children still have their family and I have a husband who loved me enough to see where he needed to make a few changes.
As did I…
Hello Harleena Singh,
Now a days, divorce is a common worldwide. 5 years ago, we see divorce is common among celebrity. But now it shows among common people too. It is shocking to see a divorce. Marriage is a bond of life long relationship. But with a simple reason I saw lots of marriage broken. But is it a good decision. According to me, no..never. Every problem has some solution. We need to look on it without breaking a relationship
Hello again Ms. Harleena
What a super post. This is a topic that needs to be shouted from the rooftops.
I truly believe that marriage is divine. It should start in the mind of the two people, that it’s forever. But as we all know the percentage of marriages that last until one of them dies, it is null.
I will say IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A COVENANT OF MARRIAGE WORK.
I was a victim of verbal abuse and physical abuse for many years. Now I am divorced and he has past away. The outcome of my marriage is that I forgave him, and I am so glad I did.
Thank you Harleena, for this Life Post
I came to your blog before this post was up and now that I’m back I feel like I’m late in the game again.
Ah divorce. Boy, I’ve been divorced twice. I don’t know if you knew that. Once in France and once in the US. I’m a great example that no matter where you are and how far you go, if you tend to attract a certain type of men you always will until you fix your issues.
When it comes to marriage there is a much greater chance of divorce when anyone marries for any other reason than being in love.
I have a friend who realizes now that when he married his wife he admired her for what she was doing, but he didn’t really love her. He ignored all the signs and got married anyway,and they now have an 8 year old daughter, but he is miserable in his marriage and stays for the kid. His wife is rather controlling, and takes over everything.
The problem is that he told me recently that his daughter is starting to take some bad example from her parents. She yells and disagree a lot just like they do. I’m not about to advise someone to divorce, especially with a kid, but it doesn’t look too pretty. He left and moved out of state for 9 months, came back and saw a marriage counselor, but while it helped some it certainly didn’t fix the sources of their problem.
Marriage is not easy, and if you’re not sure, you’d better not marry at all. That would be my advice.
Thanks for another great post, Harleena 🙂
Great post Harleena, I read it earlier and it really makes one think. I’ve been through it before. It’s not an easy decision to come to but sometimes it can be too easy or for others really hard.
Maybe there should be a time frame that’s longer than 90 days. Or a longer time period before someone remarries again 🙂
I always wonder how folks did it 100 years ago or more. Maybe they didn’t live longer enough to go through what we do now.
I feel that when it comes to divorce, most marriages break up, because you should never have married this person if the first place. People need to remember ‘what you see is what you get’;
I for one had red flag flying all over and did not pay the right attention to them.
To save the marriage both people have to work together and see what the problem is.
Many times it is because someone or both people are not getting the needs meant.
When I got my divorce there were no tears. If you are going to do alot of crying, maybe you should work on the marriage.
As for money i didn’t have much being a single parent, but I had more than I did being married. He did not care if we had a roof over our head. I was much better going it alone.
Yes, i did try to talk to him, but his answer was you have a problem, I don’t. With that statement I knew the marriage was at a dead end the only thing I could do is make a U turn and build my own life with my children.
Like i said I knew i was doing the right thing, because there were only smiles, not tears.
You have the great info here for couple to think about before divorce. The marriage I have now the word divorce is never spoken. Yes, there are thing we have to sort through at times, but we work together.
You are right that every option should be researched before taking this step.
Hugs to you Harleena,
First, thanks for what you are doing over on my blog. It’w wonderful to see you responding to those comments. It’s like I gave you more work this week 😉
Now, Divorce … a very bad solution to a problem in marriage, and maybe the only solution.
Marriage is divine institution and what God has put together, let no man put asunder… but the question is has God put together every marriage on earth? People get married for many odd reasons. Some non Americans get married to some Americans just to have the American nationality. lots of odd motives abound. If God’s hand is really in any marriage, you will see real love. Divorce is a thing NEVER THOUGHT.
Yes, if one or more of the reasons you list above set in, there is need to part ways. Not recommended but it’s better than death.
Thanks for another insightful post
It was my pleasure to do something in return for your sweet gesture of featuring me on your blog. Though, I’m afraid being in a flow of replying to the comments, I replied to even some that were addressed to you, and I hope you do not mind that.
Divorce is a bad solution for some, and a good one for some – it depends on what kind of situation you’re in. However, whether and either of the cases, it is really bad if people use divorce as a measure to bring instant solution, to leave relationship, as an excuse to be with someone else, or it’s bad if the spouses do not try enough to resolve the problems that in the first place created a situation needing divorce.
The fact is that every marriage is not based on love, and you’re absolutely right when you say that in real love the question of divorce never arises.
In this era, people use marriage to serve different purposes, one of which you mentioned here. And, people really don’t understand the kind of commitment and adjustment a marriage requires before jumping into it, and then treat it as a disposable event of their life – use and throw kinds!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and views, and they really add value to the post. I appreciate it. 🙂
This is a topic unfortunately relevant to too many people.
I celebrated 32 years of marriage last week to my second husband.
My first marriage lasted two years. I was very young and married child hood sweetheart. Fortunately we parted before there were children and it was not really a bitter parting. We were just kids really. If I know what I know now though we could have worked it out.
My second marriage has not all been a bed of roses but we have worked through our challenges.
There are many times that divorce is necessary and you have named the ones I can think of. I had a very good friend in a marriage with an violent alcoholic. She is finally left and is now many years on in a very happy relationship.
I think there are times though that people choose divorce too quickly without trying to resolve the core problems. They will then take them into their next relationship.
A great and important post Harleena. Thanks
Welcome to the blog, Sue!
I never ever thought that I’d start a category on divorce, as I value marriage and believe that people should work on their marriage and avoid divorce as much as possible. But I realized that is not the case for all, as divorce is becoming increasingly common, and people need help and awareness regarding this aspect of marriage.
Congratulations on completing three decades of your marriage; that is really great! You really made the stats lose their confidence. 🙂
You’re right that marriage is never a bed of roses and both spouses have to work through challenges, as you’ve done. I agree with you that the present generation takes hasty decisions, is impatient, and wants quick solutions – which aren’t there. It takes time and effort to make a marriage work. And, how sad it is that, without solving the core problems, as you say, these people carry over their problems to their next marriage, make it infected and suffer there too. Since divorce is so common and acceptable, it’s become a way of life, unfortunately. I just hope this post helps bring an insight to the concerned people.
Thank you so much for sharing your life experiences and adding value to the post. I really appreciate it. 🙂
Hi Harleena and friends!
I’m not sure wheather I should join the conversation or not because I don’t have any experience on a married life. After reading about the consequences that do follow a marriage scares me off. When things don’t turn out be according to our expectations it’s hard to get going. I believe to live a happy married life the love and concern needed from both the partners play a pivotal role. At the same time fraudulent and aggressive behavior could easily damage anyone’s Paradise. Anyway a long way to go before I get married but I’m sure these points will remain fresh forever to remind me of taking appropriate decisions in future.
Thanks a lot for making aware of these facts!!!!
Even if you don’t have any marital experience, I hope you’ve got tremendous insight after reading the post and the comments on it. Don’t be scared off because these are all subjective experiences and it does not mean that you too would undergo the same. In fact, the knowledge and awareness about the negative repercussions and implications will help you to be cautious and take the right steps from the very beginning of your marriage.
Remember, that all things do not turn in our favor or as per our expectations all the time. Similarly, there are ups and down in a marriage, and times when things go easy or hard.
Thanks for sharing your views and I hope this post helps you in your married life, whenever. 🙂
It’s not about whether to divorce or not; it’s about whether you really meant what you said on your wedding day, “I will love you til death parts us…” If you divorce for whatever reason, then you didn’t: you lied to your spouse and to yourself that day.
Thanks for posting my comment. Thought I’d add: I’ve had 3 long term relationships. One I wasn’t married to, one I divorced, one I’m still married to but separated (he separated us, not me). The first I now wish I had not broken up with but married when he asked me, the husband I divorced I regret divorcing but can never marry again, and because of those other 2 regrets I will NEVER divorce my current husband even though he was an abusive alcoholic when I was forced to leave him. He said he would never divorce me either. People change. Even if they haven’t, I have. If I divorced my current husband, what if one day he has a change of heart and wants us to get back together? What if I got married to someone else and had the same regrets all over again? This time I’m sticking to the commitment I made on my wedding day even if he doesn’t, until one of us dies. Neither of the other 2 men have got married after being with me.
Welcome to the blog, Debra!
Thanks for sharing your personal life experiences and story. I can understand your feelings and thoughts on which basis you suggest not to go for divorce. I agree that divorce should not be an option, but when things turn ugly and destructive, one should not think twice to take that step.
You’re right that people change – they can change for the better or the worse, and it is right to give everybody a fair chance. Sticking to the marriage commitment is good and should be followed by both the spouses, but one should never be forced to undergo an abusive relationship just for the sake of the commitment. I hope you agree.
Thanks for sharing and contributing on this post, and making it a really healthy and informative discussion helpful for those undergoing this phase in life. 🙂
Marriages are made in haven,so is thunder storm,they say.
On serious note..Divorce must be avoided at any cost.I have yet to come across a couple which just the perfect match for each other..Both need to make adjustment,especially,at the stage when children are ready to be on their own.
I know of a case where the wife complained of lack of sex,though the couple was at wrong side of 50s and thei daughter had just got married.Silly reason,but,they separated after almost 30 years of marriage
You’re right, the key to successful marriages lie in the ability of adjustment. Compromise is the name of the game. However, there are limits to this, crossing which the game changes. Of course, marriage is not a game; that’s just a way of saying.
I don’t think there’s any perfect made-for-each-other couple, but they become so by trying, as even they need adjustment and compromise to make the marriage work. Thing that goes in their favor is that there’s high level of love and commitment between them.
Going for a divorce especially when you’ve children is sometimes not good and depends on many factors. Separation after decades of being together sounds odd to hear, but yes, it’s very subjective and personal decision, which may be based on various other factors that the outsiders do not come to know about.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting on this post. I appreciate it. 🙂
I shared a few of my comments on facebook but I’ll reshare here. When I went into my marriage and I didn’t know him long, but I went into it knowing it was a life-long commitment. I was friends with him before I married him. This imo is most important. If you don’t marry for companionship and marry for lust or sex, imo the marriage is doomed.
People now days getting married knowing if it doesn’t work, we get divorced. Thus comes prenuptials and all that other hoopla. What happened to getting married because it’s your best friend, your lover as in the old days, you want to grow old with this person for better, for worse?
I do believe, if there is any kind of abuse (mental, verbal, physical); there is infidelities; substance addiction; a controlling relationship that develops; and signs of of a dysfunctional fearsome relationship, then get out.
Falling “out of sync” with your partner imo is a cop out. If you don’t do the things you used to do, TRY and make new things together. People just don’t try now days because again, it’s so easy to just get divorced then to try and try again.
I had a friend who recently got separated. Within a couple months, she’s hooked up with a friend of theirs yet claims she tried oh so hard. I call BS. Now I know someone else who is contemplating divorce and is trying so hard, exhausting all avenues to save it, yet it’s not a “healthy” relationship. There is a form of “abuse”. Only she knows how much she can take.
It takes two to get married, it takes two to keep the marriage going imo.
Ok, I ranted enough…. 🙂 great post gf!
Thanks for appreciating the post and for commenting here.
I read somewhere that live-in relationships do not really convert into successful marriages and also it is not necessary that partners who know each other for long would really be the ideal partners after marriage.
I guess the attitude with which you went in for marriage was important and crucial. And I completely agree with you that if the criteria or basis for marriage had been money, beauty, style, and sex – it’s highly probable that it will meet its doom.
The easy and always approachable option of divorce really dissuades people from working hard on their marriage to resolve the issues. And, you always have on your mind that you might get someone better. But that doesn’t necessarily happen – at least that’s what the stats say.
Marriage really in a way means to grow together – experience and deal with problems of life together, and share your life with each other. Divorce is not necessary if you approach marriage with that attitude.
However, I agree that if things turn bad and sour as you mention, then divorce and opting out is the solution, if there’s no other mechanism to resolve those issues.
Marriage really needs to be worked on – like your car, which doesn’t always run smoothly and perfectly and does need servicing and repairs time to time. The efforts of working on marriage are fruitful – you’re more happy than the singles and the divorced singles.
I agree with you that you need to give time before marriage-hopping, as I would call it. You’re right, as I say, it takes two to tango – marriage was never supposed to be a single-wheeled bike.
Thanks so much for sharing your experiences, thoughts, and views about marriage and divorce, and I’m sure it’ll help others. I appreciate your time and effort. 🙂
Your article is excellent, Harleena. I do hope many people accept your wise advice.
I struggled with the decision almost 20 years ago. It was necessary, but there were long-term consequences that continue to haunt my daughter and I. Funny thing is, I knew it was a bad idea to marry him in the first place. My self-esteem was low at the time. I would have been better off getting a counselor to help with my own issues before doubling the dysfunction.
We live and learn, I suppose. Today, I am married to a man who is honest and kind. He treats my daughter as his own children. I waited 5 years after the divorce before dating again. I needed to take care of my own issues first.
I’m glad that you like the article and the advice given in it.
I’m sorry for what all you and your daughter had to go through but as you said, we learn from our own mistakes and experiences of life.
You pointed out one important factor that accounts for some of the marriages that fail – marrying when you’ve low self-esteem. It changes the marriage equation and there are more chances of the other partner dominating the marriage and calling the shots. There’s also high probability of abuse in marriage if you’ve low self-respect.
I’m happy that your re-marriage worked for you and your daughter as well. And, I think you did the right thing to wait on to compose, gather, prepare, and realize yourself fully before committing yourself to another marriage.
Thank you for sharing your life and experiences on this post, which I’m sure will be a lesson to many. I appreciate it. 🙂
As you pointed out everyone’s situation is and will be different. Some people can take certain things and some people can’t. What I can deal with for years or until a change is made someone is may tire of. I dont think divorce should ever be the first option but rather I think thats really the time you should evaluate you, the person you are with and the overall relationship. Are there things you both need to change. Can you change them, or you willing to change them and are there things you are willing to accept. Marriage is hard and continuous work and effort.
Welcome to the blog, Thomas!
You’re right – like individual differences, there are differences in marital situations, problems, and the abilities of people to deal with them. As you mention that an issue might be acceptable to one but not bearable for the other – people have different reactions and opinions about different things. You can understand now that in a marriage if a person does not have the skills to cooperate and compromise, it’ll be difficult to maintain and live in it.
I’d add that divorce is also an indication that you need to introspect and look for what problems you’ve and where you’ve gone wrong. Because it takes two hands to clap, and you’ve to accept that you too did contribute to the failure of the marriage.
However, sadly most people don’t do that and as a result their second and subsequent marriage also suffer from they keep on repeating their mistakes and carry on with their faulty behavior.
Thanks for your wise words and practical suggestions; they add value to the post. I appreciate that very much. 🙂
Let me start off with this; divorce is a bad thing to think of, i called that “thought of the devil”.
In my country, we do not believe in divorce (divorce is not an option) and that what is making our marriages last for more than many years.
When a husband misbehave, the wife reports him to his family and that family will sit him down and put some good sense in him and likewise for the women as well. with this way our marriage stay strong and even more bonded.
I don’t support divorce in any country and i am sure that any God fearing persons too wont support it. Thanks for the lovely post and do have a blessed week ahead my friend… 🙂
That’s great that families do that there!
Unfortunately, in the US at least there’s often this notion that what happens between a married couple is private. Many families do not live close together, or they do not retain close ties. There is this idea that the married couple is a pair of adults who should be independent and shouldn’t have to ask for help if the marriage is really “meant to be.” Many people do not want to admit to family members that they have a problem in their marriage, for the purpose of saving their family’s illusion of the perfect marriage. In my opinion, that’s terrible. The help and advice of family and friends can mean a lot.
Also, some people who end up being abused and mistreated by their spouses have had the same thing done to them by their families growing up. How are they supposed to ask their abusive parents for help with an abusive spouse?
I can understand your viewpoint. Divorce should never be an option for those who get married – once you know that you’ve an option, you’re tempted to use it. However, it is to be noted that not all countries and societies have such family and social mechanism as at your place.
I mean to say that you’ve a good tradition for families that supervises and supports the marriage of its children. You always have somebody to seek answer from, report problem to, guide you and receive help from to resolve the marital problems; old wisdom really comes handy in times of difficulty.
As Laura mentions, the social setting for families is completely different in the west. There are nuclear families, and it’s like none-of-your-business with respect to marital problems with them.
So, the nature of divorce is relative; it’s bad for you but good for those isolated and troubled married people.
Having said that, I think people at your end must really be good at marriage skills as they get to face and experiment more with all types of problems, since the marriage last longer, in comparison to America, where the average duration of first marriage is about 7 years only.
I too, like you, wish that there be less divorces and more of successful and happy long lasting marriages. Thank you so much for contributing your point of view and important information for discussion. I appreciate it very much. 🙂
I will be the first person to tell you that divorce is hard on everyone, even if you feel that you have no other choice. I divorced because my x cheated on me. I gave him the opportunity to come clean and he chose to lie to me even after I already knew what happened. After, looking back I saw the red flags while we were dating and I honestly should have never married him but live and learn right. I got remarried 5 years ago and my marriage today is so much different from the first one. It is loving and there is not any emotional abuse.
I totally agree with you – divorce is difficult; hard on everyone. But then, if you really do not have a social mechanism where family and friends help you resolve your problems and conflicts, you do not have an option but to opt for divorce like in cases like yours, where you’re cheated upon.
I’m sure many people reading your comment will learn from your experience – if you know your spouse is a cheater, you need to tread your path cautiously.
I’m glad you’re happy in your marriage now and that your remarriage worked for you.
Thank you for taking out time to contribute to this post. I appreciate it. 🙂
You’ve certainly covered all the bases here, Harleena. Great post!
I think the problem with today’s society and why the divorce rate is so high, is because people are NOT willing to take the time to try and salvage the relationship first. Another reason is they jump into marriage without really knowing the other person. A friend of mine just separated from her husband after 38 years of marriage. She truly did try to make it work, but her husband didn’t care and continued to live life just for himself. If it comes to a point when there’s no hope, then a divorce is certainly the best option. As you said, everyone deserves to be happy in life.
We weathered a number of storms over the course of our 40 year marriage and came out the other side, smiling. 🙂
I’m glad you like the post.
You’re absolutely right – in today’s fast world, people even go fast with their marriages. They don’t have the time to work on and save the marriage. And, they want quick results too. The desire to have their own thing and own way, and avoidance of compromise and cooperation makes marriages tougher to work.
You’ve rightly pointed to the other fact that even though people hardly know each other, they decide to exchange lifetime vows with each other. Who should be blamed if their marriage didn’t work out?
Cases of 25 years and 38 years of marriages ending up in failure sound sad and disappointing. Such cases really fill the minds of youngsters with doubts. But then people change and become more self-centered and living in such marriages deprive you of happiness.
Wow, yours is the example to follow of a real working marriage – in spite of all ups and downs, you both’re still together and there for each other. 40 years is just great!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing such valuable knowledge and experience, I really appreciate it. 🙂
Divorce is something that most people do not think about but when a relationship becomes unbearable what can they do… No one expects a woman or a man for that matter to continue to live in pain. In those cases, divorce is the only option. In India too divorce is also becoming more common.
In the west, some people prepare themselves for a fallout and it’s repercussions by having a pre-nuptial agreement – they don’t rule out a divorce; in fact, they live with a doubt all the time.
Some people prefer to live with the pain in the marriage, especially in the third world countries, but as you mention divorce is now becoming common in India too, despite it’s strong cultural values.
Thanks for stopping by and presenting your views. 🙂
Great post Harleena,
Having gone through a divorce myself about 7 years ago, I have to say sometimes it is necessary, although you should try to do all you can to make it work out.
I tried and tried, but I finally realized, she was in it for herself, and would never work with me to make it work. It takes both people being willing to work on the marriage or it fails.
Then you either stay for the sake of being married or you leave. I know a lot of people who stay for no other reason than because their religion says they can’t. Personally, I don’t think staying in a relationship that makes you miserable and is destructive to your well being is worth it.
The only regret I have about my divorce is not doing it sooner. Now I am remarried and have an amazing relationship with someone who is in it all the way. We struggle and argue, but we are both committed to doing what it takes to make it work. I never had that in my first marriage.
Welcome back – nice to see you here after a long time!
Your practical suggestion from personal experience really matters a lot. I understand when you say that you must try to make the marriage work, but do not spend much time on it if you see it’s not working, so you do not regret it later.
Some people are too self-centered, and find it difficult to adjust with others and live a life of compromise and cooperation.
Many people really stay in the marriage for the sake of being married, and of course, for the sake of their religion or religious demands. If you read the comment by Babanature further down the comments, he reveals a completely different story unlike the rest of the world. In his part of the world, the couple need to compulsorily compromise and live with it, so there’s no divorce.
It’s good to know that you’re re-married happily and the decision to divorce has turned good and in favor for you. Commitment and dedication are for sure the golden pointers for a successful marriage.
Thanks for sharing your personal life and experiences, and I wish you the best for happiness in your marriage. 🙂
Taking the step to get divorces has according to me gotten too easy nowadays. People get married and divorced very easy. Marriage should be for life, or at least that should be the goal when getting married.
I agree with you – not only divorce has gotten easier, it has also become easily acceptable in families and societies. Nobody sees any wrong in them, and in fact, divorce has become quite trendy and common.
I would put it like this – marriage is a tough course, which takes a person’s lifetime to complete. You need to approach marriage with that attitude.
Thanks for your valuable comment, I really appreciate it. 🙂