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Is Divorce Necessary

- | 49 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Love & Relationships

Husband and wife shouting and arguijng when to divorce
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Please don’t get me wrong – I’m not instigating you to get divorced!

You know that mostly I write about how to revive a marriage and improve relationships.

So, you might be wondering why I decided to write about divorce.

Well, divorce and marriage are related, yet poles apart. Divorce happens when a marriage fails.

I’ve never favored divorce, but I do know that there are times when it seems there’s no other option left in hand to make a marriage work.

However, I do believe that before deciding when to divorce, you should ask yourself if you really need a divorce in the first place.

Sometimes, you strongly begin to believe that you need a divorce because you get influenced by cases similar to yours that ended in a divorce, or by suggestions of your friends and people around you.

These are some confusing times and situations that a married couple faces when things don’t go awry in a marriage.

What should one do?

For people who’re in love or are happily married, divorce might sound like a sad state of affairs.

No doubt, divorce is surely a sad thing to happen, but at times its end result goes in favor of one or both of the parties concerned.

Let’s try to understand a bit about divorce.

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.” ~ Robert Anderson

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What, Why, and When to Divorce

Nobody gets married with the aim of getting divorced.

The only thing that is on your mind when you propose or are proposed for marriage is – love and romance and being there for each other, forever.

However sadly, as the stats state, about half of the marriages fail in the United States. Similarly, the trend is catching up with other countries as well, though it’s not as yet as bad.

I don’t want to discourage you from getting married, but I’m just stating a fact to make you aware.

I’ve always advocated for marriage and I’ve even mentioned that married people are happier than singles in an earlier post of mine.

Of course, there are problems between even the most loving partners, but there are also ways to solve the love problems in a marriage.

But when something unexpected happens at some point of time in the married life of some people, their life begins to get more bitter than better.

You can read my post on the reasons why a marriage gets bad for some people:

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>> Why does a bad marriage happen?

A bad marriage makes life miserable. It’s then that people think of divorce.

Generally, when couples are exhausted after making all attempts to revive their marriage and lose all hopes of being able to live together, they decide to break up or disassociate with each other.

Separation disunites the couple, and the next thing they want is to formally terminate the marriage.

Divorce is the legal dissolution of a marriage.

“When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn’t a sign that they ‘don’t understand’ one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.” ~ Helen Rowland

Should You Really Get Divorced

Divorce is a serious step to take.

When things come to a head and so as to say all that you’re left with is to bang your head on the wall – it’s time to divorce.

This is, however, after you’ve made all possible reconciliation attempts and efforts to resolve the issues, whether big or small.

Though, I still believe that you must try your best to avoid divorce for petty issues and reasons that can be resolved with time and efforts.

Life can become rather more challenging after divorce, especially if you’ve children and you retain their custody.

There’s always an impact of parents’ divorce on children and you need to keep that factor under consideration when you think of a divorce.

[colored_box color=”red”]Remember, life after divorce may not be easy, and there’s no guarantee that your second chance, if you ever plan getting married again, will be better than the first one.[/colored_box]

Statistics reveal that second marriages have the same or even higher rate of divorce than the first marriages. Of course, there are exceptions where life becomes much better after you remarry.

Even if you decide to stay unmarried after your divorce, the financial burden and family responsibilities bog you down.

Being single again is a lonely life to lead unless you have your family and friends all the time around you.

For some divorced singles life gets better if they find a purpose of life and dedicate themselves to a mission, or work towards a goal that also becomes their passion to make life meaningful.

However, if you’re not financially capable or independent before and after your divorce, and you do not have any external financial support, then you need to rethink about going in for a divorce – for issues that can be somehow worked upon and resolved.

Make sure you can arrange for the money that will be needed for the lengthy and costly court battles.

“If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Some statistics reveal that the life expectancy of married men and women is more than those of divorced people. They also stay happier for a longer period than those who’re divorced.

But I feel this cannot be generalized, as I know some of my very good friends are leading much better and happier lives after their divorce.

I think it all comes down to how bad the marriage was, how much you suffered in it, and the quality of life thereafter, which must be better than what it was earlier for you to be happy.

The emotional trauma of divorce does have an impact on the physical health of some people. Generally, women undergo depression and more mental health problems than men after a divorce.

Remember, the divorce may not really make your life better. There are a host of other problems that you may have to deal with in the post-divorce period.

However, I’d myself suggest that you should go in for a divorce in certain cases.

“Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.” ~ P. J. O’Rourke

couple sitting separately and deciding when to divorce

When It IS Time to Divorce

People who’ve been in a bad marriage will tell you from their experience that there are at least three types of cases or situations in a marriage, which are a definite reason to take divorce.

1)      Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse

2)      Cheating or infidelity

3)      Substance abuse and addiction

No matter how much you try, it’s not easy to change a person. In many cases, women decide to stay in a marriage even if they keep suffering. They wait and hope for their partners to behave normally and become faithful.

Wait, but then for how long?

If even after showering all the love and attention you’re taken for granted and abused again – do you really think you need to live in such an abusive relationship?

The cheater remains a cheater. The alcohol and drug addict refuses to choose you over the addictions. The porn addict tries to take advantage of your compromising attitude and abuses you sexually.

Such a relationship in a marriage leads to emotional, mental, and physical trauma.

“When people divorce, it’s always such a tragedy. At the same time, if people stay together, it can be even worse.” ~ Monica Bellucci

It has been suggested by all those who’ve been in a similar situation and who tried all they could – to walk out of such a marriage as soon as possible.

[colored_box color=”red”] Take immediate action before your soul is shattered, you lose all the self-respect, and you become a helpless victim. [/colored_box]

If you’re in the same boat, then perhaps it’s time for you to divorce. No matter what your beliefs are, move away from such a person to get your life back.

Never let yourself be humiliated, treated as an object, and taken for granted. A person, who does that, doesn’t really love you.

Nevertheless, there are some exceptional cases when such a person realizes his/her mistake, repents, and pledges to commit himself/herself to the marriage.

Such a person might even really change. But you need to be very careful – use your judgment and sixth sense before coming to any conclusion.

Confide to your family and friends, and preferably take professional help before making any hasty decisions to accept such a person back in your life.

“Peace, of course, is different from divorce; indeed, in essential respects, divorce is the opposite of peace.” ~ Douglas Feith

More Reasons Why You Might Need a Divorce

If you’re in a relationship that you don’t like and even after trying to make all the efforts, nothing works – it might be time to part ways.

If your spouse becomes a person that you hate, and the requirements to make the marriage work turns you into a person you don’t like, then you need to rethink on the status of your relationship.

You need to think if and when to divorce, if you’re:

  • Living constantly in fear of abuse, which develops a scare in you.
  • Forced to change your belief system that you’re uncomfortable with.
  • Denied your rights and needs to live your life the way you want.
  • Stifled and suffocated in your marriage.
  • Distanced from your family and friends against your will.
  • The only one who tries to make the marriage work.
  • Not in sync with your spouse and no longer have anything in common.
  • Always criticized, degraded, nagged, ridiculed, and intimidated by your partner.
  • Already divorced emotionally and all efforts to rekindle love have failed.
  • Always fighting and facing problems with your spouse, and counseling don’t help.

There can be more reasons that are clear indications of your failed marriage, if they cannot be resolved amicably and mutually.

If you feel you’re wasting your time, energy, and life being with a person who cares the least for you – get away from such a person.

And if such a person doesn’t believe in improving his/her ways, and continues to mistreat you even after your efforts and professional intervention, you know it’s time to take divorce and move on.

[colored_box color=”red”]Always remember that it takes two to tango, and two equally responsive and responsible partners to make a marriage work. You cannot make the marriage work entirely on your own.[/colored_box]

Everybody looks for happiness in marriage.

But mere unhappiness in a marriage cannot be a reason to go in for a divorce. Both partners need to work at their marriage to bring in the happiness and love, if it’s missing.

Going in for a divorce is a difficult decision, and it depends on various factors for every couple as no two marriages are alike.

The time when to divorce has to be your call after comprehensive assessment, analysis, evaluation, and treatment of your relationship.

When you’re going through a bad marriage and you’re deeply affected and tormented, it might not be possible for you to deal with your marital problems in a calm and rational manner.

To avoid causing further damage to yourself or your relationship, you should go ahead and seek professional help by finding a qualified marriage counselor.

I know it’s a very hard decision, but if this is the only way out – go ahead and free yourself from the torment you have been going through and lead a happy life. You deserve it. 🙂

Let’s have your views by taking this poll:

Is the result as you expected?

“I think that the divorce rate’s over 50% for a reason. I don’t think people are taking enough time now to really see if they can make it work and live together.” ~ Channing Tatum

Over to You –

Do you believe divorce is a good solution if things don’t work? How did you realize you need a divorce or know when to divorce? Would you like to give any word of advice to those undergoing a bad marriage? Please share in the comments.

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos

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49 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. Dee Ann Rice

    July 31, 2013 at 9:31 am

    Harleena,

    I have been through a divorce. I do not believe in divorce but I also do not believe in being abused or watching my children be abused. While I got a divorce I do not think people should divorce just because they are unhappy. If you are just unhappy I think you should try to work things out.

    In my case our lives were in danger and we (my children and I) ended up running. This included a 45 minute 911 call. The ensuing divorce was the worst years of my life. I tried really hard to make sure my children were affected as little as possible by the divorce. I truly think that the divorce had much less affect on my children though than the marriage did and living with someone who abused us all.

    Very Sadly sometimes the only right thing to do is to get a divorce. This being said by someone who whole heartedly does not believe in divorce.

    Good Post.

    Dee Ann

  2. Jodi

    July 23, 2013 at 11:10 pm

    I see a lot of selfishness in my clients. It is not on purpose but comes out of a place of hurt and defense. This continues to poison. People can be too stubborn and it ruins the marriage.

    I LOVE the quotes you peppered through this one!

  3. Amandah

    July 23, 2013 at 5:27 am

    For me the question is, “Why did you get married in the first place?” If your answer is one of the following:

    1. My mother was bugging me to get married.
    2. All of my friends were married.
    3. I thought loved him/her.
    4. It was a marriage of convenience.
    5. I didn’t want to die alone.
    6. My religious leaders said I had to get married.
    7. I was in Las Vegas and it seemed like a good thing to do.

    You may want to get divorced.

    I believe divorce happens when two people, who came together in their lives at a certain time, got married under ‘false’ pretenses. Without sounding to “woo-woo,” maybe you had some sort of lesson to learn. Maybe you married your partner because you were vulnerable or feeling ashamed that you couldn’t stand up to the people around you. The marriage served as a ‘life lesson,’ albeit a tough one.

    I believe divorce is a good solution when one partner doesn’t want to be in the relationship. Why hold onto to someone when they want to be cut loose? Who knows… maybe you and your partner will be reunited in a few years.

    My advice experiencing a bad marriage is to get to the “root” of it. Why is the marriage bad? What happened along the way? Hopefully you and your partner will seek counseling and work it out. If not, divorce is an option.

    P.S.

    There are many divorced women in my family. I’m saddened and grateful at the same time because I’ve learned many life lessons, even though I didn’t have to experience any of them.

  4. Rachel Tayor

    July 18, 2013 at 3:00 am

    I divorced my husband a few years ago. We sleep walked into marriage after being together for 8 years. The marriage was much shorter. In some ways I don’t regret it because both of us are happy with other people now and we didn’t have children. However, I do think that if I had known then what I know now we could have saved our marriage. In many ways we were a great match. I believe that we are given very little support and advice on how to keep a marriage healthy and fall for the rose tinted image of what a marriage should be like – the fairy tale – rather than the rewarding, fulfilling but often hard reality of life with someone else.

  5. Michael Belk

    July 17, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    Harleena, I can identify with this topic because I have been married. Although, divorce taught me a lesson about our approach to relationships. I do not believe we spend enough time getting to know each other.

    I can say for myself, even though the two years I dated my wife is almost unheard of these days I still say it was not long enough.

    We did not place ourselves in uncomfortable positions and I think that is helpful because that is how you really get to know the person.

    I married young so I tried to avoid many situations that might cause conflict in retrospect I believe that was an error on my part.

    Because if a person can not handle a little argument what will they do when things get really bad?

  6. Sonal Kalra

    July 17, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    When things are really out of control and when you tend to feel good spending time out of your home and feel worst to come back, I think it could be a possible indication to call it off.




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Is Divorce Necessary

by Harleena Singh time to read: 8 min