5 Simple Ways to Save Your Marriage

- | 54 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Love & Relationships

A couple trying to save their marriage

With the World Marriage Day gone by and Valentine’s Day just round the corner, how could I not write about love and marriage?

What better topic than how to strengthen your relationship and ways to save your marriage, when it runs out of love!

I’m sure the young readers would also love to learn about love, relationship, and how to save a marriage from breaking up, so they know what to do when they’re married.

If you’re already married and have marital problems, you can always use the “Share Your Problems” platform to seek help.

Remember, it’s your relationship and marriage, and you can save it. I mean that you can really save your marriage, if you really want to!

Yes, all it takes is a simple belief that your marriage is worth keeping. Well, may be a bit more.

When spouses start believing in each other, the bond becomes inseparable, and you start believing in your marriage.

After all, when the heat of trust is strong, it melts the glaciers of ego and lets the rivers of love flow again.

Ah, this is very poetic and sounds far away from reality. But it isn’t so – if faith can move mountains, marriage then becomes a miniscule task.

The same goes for just any other relationship problem. Do you agree?

Ego is undoubtedly the leader of the pack of problems followed by lack of communication and understanding.

The absence of these obstacles lets love arise in a relationship or saves your marriage.

Once you sort out yourself, you can surf amidst the turbulent waves of relationship problems without getting wet. All you’ve to do is go to the depths and get hold of the problem by its roots.

You need to attend to even the seemingly smallest of problems to save your relationship. Don’t let the problems take deep roots and save your marriage by understanding it’s working.

“A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person” ~ Mignon McLaughlin

What is Marriage

Marriage is the most challenging interpersonal relationship – one of the most entertaining and enjoyable relationship that you have. But it has certain rules, and you’ve to live by them.

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, marriage is an institution whereby two individuals are joined or united in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. This is a mutual relationship.

I’ve written in detail about marriage in my post titled “Why does a bad marriage happen?” Marriage is a commitment to spend the life together and share it in all aspects.

In this post, I’m not dealing with saving a marriage due to infidelity, cheating, or an affair. It’s more about the internal conflicts and issues that cripple a marriage.

Bad marriages, whether or not resulting in breakups are worse, as they often end up as abusive relationships. But you can’t blame marriage as an institution for that.

Sometime ago I wrote an article titled “Are married people really happier than singles”. While it met with a mixed reaction from the readers, the research studies indicate that the married ones remain happier and healthier!

It becomes imperative to understand a marriage, and more important to know how to save your marriage before it starts losing its charm.

“A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers” ~ Ruth Bell Graham

Key Elements of A Marriage

Marriage is a vehicle with both the spouses as its wheels. The strange fact about this machine is that it comes without a manual. Even if there is, people hardly bother to read it.

But if you know the ingredients of marriage, understand its nature and working, and the rules you should follow, you can learn the ways to save your marriage.

The key elements that make up a marriage are friendship, love, communication, understanding, respect, and trust.

You can read about these in detail in my post about bad marriage.

What you need to know is how you can keep these elements intact and fresh in a marriage or just any relationship.

“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar

A happy couple with their marriage problem resolved

Save Your Marriage by Working On the Basics

Let’s face it. You’re thinking of saving your marriage because it’s full of problems. Know that you are not alone, as all marriage experience problems some time or the other.

I’ve my share of problems in my marriage, but it comes and goes, just as in any marriage.

The first year of most marriages is a rocky affair, as both individuals try to settle in the new environment. They lose some of their freedom and have to adjust and compromise on certain things.

If the person has lived alone for a long time, such adjustment becomes difficult. But it all depends on the nature of emotions and the type of person.

Many marriages come again at the same rocky crossroads after a decade or so. That is perhaps the time when you’ve to rebuild your relationship and start doing the same things you did before your marriage.

However, relationship problems can occur at any stage, and when you’ve them, you need to face them. Remember, you too are part of the relationship and probably of the problem too.

You don’t hear the sound of one-hand clapping in a relationship problem. It takes two to tango, and to create a problem too.

Here are the basic elements and ways to save your marriage.

Communication

If you want to save your marriage, you need to take the first step towards its resolution and communicate. No ifs and buts. This is the time when ego steps in and tries to take you into confidence.

You then remember the hurts and insults caused to you by your spouse. You strongly feel that if you take the first step, it’ll be regarded as if you’ve given up and it’ll indicate your submission.

But what happens if you don’t do that. You and your spouse continue living with differences, and make hell of each passing day.

If you don’t intervene and take reconciliation measures, the relationship problems only aggravate with time.

The pent-up volcano may erupt in the form of fights, verbal or physical, and create deep wounds in the relationship.

Many couples find it difficult to continue and decide to separate, break up, or end in divorce.

But think that if you had taken the first step and communicated with your spouse, you could’ve avoided the melodrama.

No communication goes waste. In comparison to no communication, it at least has the probability of going ahead with the resolution of the relationship problem.

Sometimes, when much time has passed by, you don’t even remember what went wrong and what the original cause of differences was. Talk to find what went wrong.

TIP: Set aside your ego and sincerely communicate on a daily basis. Fix up a time only for dealing with issues of your personal life. If not on  weekdays, keep aside time on weekends and make that an exclusive ‘us time’.

Listen to your partner’s woes. Stop trying to prove that you’re right. Just listen and don’t defend yourself against the complaints from your spouse.

Of course, you too get to express your agonies, and you’ll notice that your spouse too will listen and get less defensive. Try it.

Take into consideration also the non-verbal communication, and try to read between the lines. Ask for clarification, when in doubt.

You may not reach to a complete solution at one go, but at least some head way is made. The odds are that things can go awry if your partner is aggressive, stubborn, and abusive.

If that’s the case, which you only best know, then you need to seek help of family, friends, or a professional relationship counselor.

Check out this wonderful video that tells you how best you can communicate and save your marriage, it surely is worth watching, even though it’s a little long 🙂

COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES: How To Save Your Marriage ~ Bruce ~ YouTube Video

Respect

Over the period when you’re experiencing problems, you tend to forget the past good days you spent together. You get obsessed with the negative feelings for your partner.

Your heart-throb becomes the throbbing pain in your head.

You start assuming things and your mind assists in creating a different picture of your spouse. Does that happen with you sometimes?

You see your partner differently now, and lose the reverence that you once had in your heart and mind. You start reacting with cold eyes and voice, and the sweetness and warmth vanishes.

The lack of respect often gets spilled in the casual conversations you’ve, which even the ones around you notice.

If you have children, even they are quick to sense something is not right.

TIP: Keep your attitude positive and concentrate on the positive aspects. Remember, you loved your spouse for who he/she was, so why change that now. If your conversation gets heated, then avoid it by withdrawing yourself from it at that moment, though once things cool down, come back and talk out the issues – never leave them unattended because they pile up. Never resort to shouting or screaming.

You should not give up on mutual respect so soon. Often the circumstances make people appear arrogant, insensitive, and disrespectful, while they may not really be so.

For old times sake, keep up the respect and talk to your spouse. Probability is that your partner too will mellow down, loosen the defenses, and take the soft approach.

Some people do change with time, but they’ll change more if there’s no understanding between them and their spouses.

Understanding

There’s no use talking only about your problems all the time. It may fall deaf on your partner’s ears.

When your relationship and marriage is in trouble and there’s lack of understanding, you both need to strengthen your bond with deep understanding.

Remember that as you feel you’re suffering, your partner too feels the same.

The problem is that you both are suffering, whether it’s for real or due to a misunderstanding. Ignoring the other person’s viewpoint will be a setback to the reconciliation process.

DO READ: Secrets to finding happiness in marriage

Empathy is the best tool to use, and it may bring to light your own shortcomings.

Your partner may feel you or your behavior is the problem, but you may not accept that. If there’s such a standoff, the road leads to nowhere.

Nevertheless, it’s best if you can try to understand each other face-to-face. Give each other the space and time to talk, control your urges and reactions, and don’t interrupt each other while talking.

TIP: Choose your words carefully, as the wrong ones can cause misunderstanding. Make sure that your facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language complements your words. Learn to be a good listener, instead of wanting to be heard all the time. Take turns to talk things out.

Make mental points or jot them down if you want. That way you won’t be repulsive and won’t miss any vital point of your discussion.

When it’s your turn, put your point of view across, and answer to the questions or points raised by your partner, in a non-vindictive voice and manner.

DON’T MISS: 20 practical solutions to love problems and things to avoid

You both might come to know of your own mistakes. This is the best time to be the first to apologize and feel sorry to have hurt the other, intentionally or unintentionally.

Probability is that your partner will respond accordingly and take a step back from the vindictive position. You may come to a resolution on all issues at one go or in different sittings.

Trust

If you and your partner indulge in understanding each other, accept your own mistakes, and forgive each other, it builds confidence in the relationship.

More of such confidence building measures helps restore the trust in each other, like you had in the beginning of your relationship.

However, there may remain a fear of re-occurrence of the problem, so initially both of you might tread the path cautiously, and it’s okay to go slow.

Don’t make haste and make sure every thread is untangled. Uproot the problem completely.

Acceptance of hurting the other, owing up your mistakes, apologizing for the errors, and sympathizing with your spouse by saying sorry and meaning it sincerely will heal the relationship wounds faster than you can imagine.

TIP: Don’t get carried away with emotions. Do not threaten your spouse or resort to crying each time you sit to talk, as that may hijack and stall the communication and the other person will lose the trust in such reconciliation measures.

The trust you’ll develop after resolving problems this way will help you bond better. You will develop internal respect and praise for each other.

Once you and your partner have faith in each other, you’ll always be open to communication, be respectful, and understand each other.

“Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of becoming passionate friends.” ~ Harville Hendrix

A married couple holding a heart in hand

Friendship and Love

Friendship is the foundation on which any personal relationship works. To save your marriage, you need to be friends again with your spouse.

This is how you started, isn’t it? The most important characteristic of friendship is sharing and trusting each other.

Friends have your back and support you in your difficult times. They join you in your joys and sorrows, and open up with their secrets.

Some friends are forever. You and your spouse also need to be like that.

You never knew when your friendship transformed into a loving relationship, right? Your relationship becomes more passionate and intense.

You start missing each other, do wild things together, develop complete faith and surrender yourself to the person. You need to rekindle the same feelings for your spouse.

You need the same chemical reactions to pump up the adrenaline in you and your spouse. Be the ideal lovers, and do everything that rekindles the love in your marriage.

MUST READ: Rekindle love in marriage in 10 practical ways

TIP: Never hesitate to say sorry. In fact, be the first one and that’ll not make you small. Don’t blame your spouse for everything, which will only make matters worse.

Well, communication is the only key to open this deadlock in your relationship.

People have tried sex as a key, but the relationship problems boomerang if you don’t resolve your differences. Without love and understanding, sex is meaningless in your marriage.

Always communicate with your spouse. And that does not mean that you only talk, talk, talk; you need to listen, listen, listen more while your partner talks! Can you do that?

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Start living for your spouse. Of course, you need to live for yourself too, but start showing your care and good intentions for your partner. Go out of the way, to the extent of sacrificing your comforts.

Random acts of kindness and the small things you do, make big impressions on the heart of your spouse.

Do things your spouse likes, and don’t do the ones your spouse has an objection to. Yes, this works for both sides, as far as they’re reasonable.

It’s your duty to take care of the emotions and feelings of your spouse. Happiness in your marriage lies in your own hands and no one else’s – work for it!

Your spouse will notice and reciprocate by showering love and care. But if you feel your spouse is taking you for granted, cordially convey it. There’s no substitute to communication.

Eventually, you need to let go of the past, embrace the present, and work and hope for the best in the future.

Letting go will reset your memories, flush out the bad ones to make space for the good ones.

One thing you should do when you try to save your marriage is to not have an option for quitting. It is only then you’ll make harder efforts to make your marriage work.

Once you’re through the rough patch, remain committed to your spouse. Commitment, communication, and care will certify that your marriage will never be on the rocks again!

So, with Valentine’s Day coming up, are you going to rekindle the love and try to save your marriage, if it’s in doldrums? With all these tips, there’s no reason not to!

All my young friends now know how to save a marriage from breaking up, so go ahead and search for your valentine!

Wishing ALL of you a very Happy Valentine’s Day 🙂

Over to You –

What do you do when you’ve relationship problems? If you ever had to save your marriage, what did you do? What are the things you didn’t do and feel others should try? Share in the comments.

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos



Show Comments

54 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. Leigh

    February 12, 2014 at 5:25 am

    As someone who has been married going on (believe it or not) 20 years now, I have to agree. These are the basics of any working relationship. They also take time and effort to develop. I find it’s a constant process of working on myself so that I can then improve my relationship.

    One thing I’d add is giving each other time and space. That can mean different things to different people, but too often, people feel they must always be together if a relationship is to work. Often, the opposite. Sometimes, you have to take a big step back and reconfigure before you can be back together again.

    I’m not talking about breaking up, although perhaps in some cases that might be needed. I mean space. Let her go out with her friends. Let him take a week vacation to do something you wouldn’t want to do. Never peek in each other’s pockets, bags or drawers without permission.

    My husband and I have even been known to take a month apart traveling, sometimes for fun, sometimes for work. People often thing we do it because we’re having problems when in fact, allowing the other to explore the world is what keeps us together.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 12, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      Hi Leigh,

      I’m glad you could agree with the post, and with your marriage experience, your attestation matters a lot.

      The basics mentioned in the post are enough for one to have a healthy relationship, and one needs not try to do or look for anything else. Of course, building healthy relationship requires efforts, and it happens gradually over a period of time.

      That’s well said, you need to work on yourself to improve the relationship. This is one area where many falter, I’m afraid. When people start thinking that they do not need to improve, the probability of having problems in the relationship rises.

      Yes, I completely agree with you – time and space are essential requirements to keep a relationship healthy. You need to be with and work on yourself too. A small break can recharge you, make you fresh, and assess yourself better to take on your responsibility with fervor and better your relationship.

      Privacy and permissions are a must and that’s a good way to develop trust among partners. You and your spouse really know how to deal with your marriage, and I’m sure others will like and test your ideas.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences and making great points in the comment. It adds value to the post and I really appreciate it.

      Thanks for visiting the blog and do have a great day ahead! 🙂

  2. Carolyn Nicander Mohr

    February 12, 2014 at 5:31 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Wow, you really covered a lot of the aspects of how to save a marriage. You’re absolutely right these factors, such as communication, respect and trust are key. I would also add appreciation. Everybody wants to be appreciated yet so often we either fail to appreciate our spouses or fail to communicate our appreciation. A little bit goes a long way.

    People also should really examine whether they’re doing anything that’s worthy of appreciation. I love what you said about one hand clapping. It really does take two and if you do something special for someone, even if it’s just a little thing, chances are that thing won’t go unnoticed.

    I do feel for people who are struggling in their marriages. As you said, it’s the most difficult and complex relationship but it does give us the foundation for the rest of our lives. We don’t choose our parents or our children but we do choose our spouses and (with luck) it’s the person we will spend the most time with. If you’re lucky enough to have a spouse you cherish then your marriage is worth saving.

    Thanks for this reminder on Valentine’s Week, Harleena. I will certainly be sharing this as I suspect it will help many!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 12, 2014 at 4:58 pm

      Hi Carolyn,

      I’m glad you like the post. Definitely, appreciation is so important in a relationship and honestly we all look forward to it. You’re right that most relationships lack mutual appreciation and that takes the shine off them. Appreciation makes you feel good, wanted, and worthy, whether its how you look, behave, or act. Do we have an ‘appreciation day’? If not, we should have it too, isn’t it? 🙂

      That’s a good point and may be we should make a practice to even write the things we do for our spouse in a day that were appreciated or are worthy of appreciation. No day should go empty!

      From my own experience, I can say that marriage is a great teacher. I’ve learnt a lot, and marriage really changes you as a person and helps you evolve your personality and grow as a person. The struggle in a marriage is worth it, and it gives us a chance to work on and improve ourselves, isn’t it?

      Can’t agree more, our marriage is our responsibility because we chose our spouse. I think you’re lucky if you and your spouse both are flexible and ready to change for each other, and then you’ll surely cherish your marriage.

      Thanks for your valuable comment and your beautiful thoughts. I’m sure your ideas will help the readers. Thanks so much for sharing this post, and do have a great day ahead! 🙂

  3. Balroop Singh

    February 12, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Another article, with alllllll the details! You can be an excellent Love Guru!! Jokes apart, your skill of going into each and every detail is really creditable!

    You have given the top priority to communication and rightly so. Every marriage has its ups and downs in the initial years and if the couple does not communicate, there is absolutely no hope of clearing the misunderstandings. Talking to each other about what is hurting and what needs attention is imperative in a marriage. Many marriages fall apart just because of misunderstandings…though people say that you need not explain anything to a person who is close but closeness and understanding comes after a long time!

    I think Valentine’s day is a good reminder that even marriages need a breath of fresh air…couples who understand this basic point can live happily ever after!

    Wishing Happy Valentine’s day to you and all who care for their spouse! Go ahead and renew your bond!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 12, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      Hi Balroop,

      Haha.. I’m not a love guru, but thanks for the appreciation and I’m glad you like the article. 🙂 I really like to dissect any topic and analyse it as much as the length of the post allows me to do! I could’ve gone more in-depth but I’m afraid there would be no readers for that kind of post! 🙂

      Probably we all know what all it takes to build and maintain a relationship, but few ocassional reminders do us good, isn’t it? I’ve seen many new marriages fall apart because of silly reasons. I wish somebody told them to have patience and to stick on and that the initial hiccups settle down.

      That reminds me that ‘patience’ too is an important characteristic that every married person should have. May be it reflects importance if we say that Communication is the mother of all keys!

      You’re right, it takes time to understand a person and get close. For that matter, we truly have a hard time understanding our own selves!

      Valentine’s day is a reminder for all kinds of relationship to pump in love into them and recharge them! Wish you too a Happy Valentine day and that you enjoy with your loved ones!

      Thank you for contributing important pointers and thoughts to this post, I really appreciate it. Do have a great day ahead! 🙂

  4. Kumar Gauraw

    February 12, 2014 at 9:17 am

    Hi Harleena,

    Excellent timing for a post on relationships and the bond of marriage. Thank you for bringing it up well in advance.

    However, if I may suggest something, I would have loved to see a positive, uplifting tone starting from the title. Saving the marriage gives a sense that “I don’t need to read this” in a person’s mind if he/she is happy with their marriage. But, as I read it, I see that your post is even helpful for those who are getting into relationships and those who are already having a healthy and happy marriage.

    I think I would give a title of “5 ways to strengthen your marriage” or “5 ways to turn your marriage into a blessing”. Something like that 🙂 Just my two cents.

    Anyways, the principles you shared in this post are tremendously valuable and those are not just for “saving” the marriage but really making a happy, blissful home and raising our children in an atmosphere where they can be proud of their parents when they grow up.

    Have a blessed Valentine’s day and a successful week!

    Regards,
    Kumar

    • Harleena Singh

      February 12, 2014 at 5:59 pm

      Hi Kumar,

      Valentine’s is just a couple of days ahead, and the marriage day was a couple of days back, so I guess this post was really well placed! 🙂 It’s good to have such reminders time to time, isn’t it?

      I agree with your point that the word “strengthen” could’ve been used in place of “save”, and that would’ve indeed been more positive. But I guess I had already written a post on strengthening the relationships earlier, so i didn’t chose it this time.

      Uncertainties mar our life, so I guess everybody should be prepared for everything! So, in that case, one should also go for reading about saving the marriage, even if all’s well. 🙂 But you’ve made a great point, and I’m glad you’ve taken the post in the positive light, and that you find it helpful even for normal interpersonal relationships.

      You’re right that even those getting into relationships, if they make a note of the elements as mentioned in the post, would certainly benefit and bypass the rough patches or phases.

      Thanks for suggesting new titles, may be I’ll write new articles on them sometime. 😉

      Thanks again for appreciating the post and I hope it helps as many people. You too have a great Valentine’s day with your family and loved ones! 🙂

  5. Winifred Reilly

    February 12, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Nice piece, and so thorough!

    In my work a couples therapist I am struck by how many couples don’t treat each other as friends. With all the stresses and strains of marriage, people are weary or hurt or angry and they can’t get past their upsets to find the way back to their friendship.

    Once that breaks down, they can start to feel helpless and hopeless.

    Yes, I agree, people can heal an unhappy marriage. I like to say the key ingredient is that the have to want to. Then comes figuring out what needs repair.

    Glad to see you writing more posts about relationships!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 13, 2014 at 11:34 pm

      Hi Winifred,

      Glad you like the post, more so when the compliment comes from an expert herself! 🙂

      I agree that in most cases the relationship equation changes after marriage. The friendship element vanishes and the love connection too fades gradually. You’re so right in that the stresses and strains of marriage wears off the relationship. In order to prevent the breakdown of the machinery of marriage, it needs to be properly serviced and recharged periodically, isn’t it?

      That’s it, there needs to be a will in the first place, and then, where there’s a will, there’s a way! But if you’ve one eye upon the exit door or have the option in mind, people get thought like why should they go all through the trouble of resolution or repair, and quitting seems easy. However, there are cases too when an unhappy marriage has no option but to end.

      Ah.. its a special month for relationship. I remember last year I had a mini love series, so it had to be relationships this time.

      Thanks for sharing your important views and they definitely add value to the post. Do have a great day ahead! 🙂

  6. mvenkatK

    February 12, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Harleeana ji,

    You told marriage is the most challenging interpersonal relationship and one of the most entertaining and enjoyable relationship. It is not enjoyable relationship, it’s a duty to us, and marriage is a God’s gift, any one can told what is marriage, no no words can describe marriage.

    In India marriage is ( marriages are made in heaven), one thing you see in some of the other countries they thinking marriage is a contract between male and female, wife and husband both are trusted each other, at that time their family become like heaven, any how now India also follow American culture. You give very interesting things, now every wife and husband follow your tips they living happily together. Thank you for to give a chance to comment on your post.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 13, 2014 at 11:46 pm

      Hi Venkat,

      My name is Harleena. Yes, I believe that marriage is challenging, sometimes difficult, entertaining, as well as enjoyable too! It all depends on how you think about it and deal with it.

      I’d say that if you don’t enjoy your marriage, you aren’t being fair. A duty has to be respected and enjoyed, and God’s gift needs to be cherished. I believe your marriage will be happy and healthy if you have an positive outlook.

      If you believe in fate, then divorce too is a part of that fate. Whether marriages are made in heaven or earth, it’s state will depend on how you treat it. Marriage is essentially a contract, and both partners need to fulfill it by playing their part sincerely.

      I hope this post helps people and thanks for visiting the blog. Have a great day ahead!

  7. shiwangi shrivastava

    February 12, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    Hi Harleena Mam,

    Thanks for sharing your post every pieces in detailed. I injected every points into my vein all possible way. You left no elements in serving the marriage recipe.

    I truly agree that for sustaining a sensitive relationship like marriage we need not to hold ourself that much tight we cannot take breath so space is the key thing and let her be herself and vice-versa.

    All time interrogation is hugely suffocating. I see many spouse they love each other but getting out of the marriage because of spaceless life. They want to remain together but over expectation is killing the relation.

    Therefore with the few tips and tricks many can be successful in sustaining the pious bond i.e marriage.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 13, 2014 at 11:59 pm

      Hi Shiwangi,

      I’m glad you like the post. Thanks for your compliment and I hope this post is helpful to you.

      Definitely, as there needs to be some white space in a design to not make it congested, the spouses in a marriage need to have some space to avoid suffocation.

      You’re so right in pointing out the problem of over expectation in a relationship. That becomes too stressful to bear and unbearable to the point of breakup.

      If you want your marriage to be happy, you need to work it out smartly and use all the tools and tips to keep it on track. It is surely a pious bond if both the spouses are loving and sincere.

      Thanks for sharing your wonderful thoughts and feelings, I really appreciate it. Thanks for visiting the blog and do have a great day ahead! 🙂

  8. I. C. Daniel

    February 12, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I don’t need to save my marriage because I’m not married yet… but is good to know these tips, thanks for sharing them Harleena. See you next time!

    A quick question if you kind please reply, how is performing the ads you have sticky on right side of every post? Thanks in advance!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 12:09 am

      Hi Daniel,

      These tips may come handy to you when you get married, so no harm taking them to heart.

      If you’re referring to the sticky ad on the right space to the comments, they’re the bidadvertiser ads and they aren’t performing too well, so I may get rid of them soon.

      Thanks for visiting the blog and sharing your thoughts. Have a great day ahead! 🙂

  9. Akaahan Terungwa

    February 12, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Harleena,

    The first thing I do when I discover my wife isn’t smiling again is to make sure that I suspend all else (even blogging) to get to the root of the problem.

    Sometimes, the problem could be me, an event of any random stuff. Communication follows next. Believe me, when she knows I’m fully in support of her and would stand by her, she opens up fully and that issue is as good as thrashed.

    This is an excellent entry…it really deserved my time!

    Always,
    Terungwa

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 11:22 am

      Hi Terungwa,

      Awesome! You are surely on the right track! I need to make my husband read these lines, and if everyone takes care of their spouses in the same way, there would be so much of love harmony in their relationship.

      I agree with you there – there could be any problem, and sometimes even other family members or issues relating to third parties can be trigger points. What both sides mainly need is time to sit and talk things out – period! Nothing works better than that, and as you mentioned, when your spouse knows you are all ears, they are open and free to talk their hearts out, which does solve all the issues.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your experiences and wisdom with us. Have a nice weekend as well 🙂

  10. Debbie

    February 12, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    I believe you covered every thing on marriage. Communication is the biggest part to me. When i was married for the first time, we had No communication. He would NOT talk even when I tried.

    One thing that you could talk about though is the warning signs that you should not marry someone.

    I have a daughter that is now divorced and when she married this (not sure what to call him, LOL) we tried to tell her not to get married. All the warning signs and read flags were flying.

    You have a much better chance of a marriage working if you watch for those red flags while dating them.

    By the way hubby and I always take set aside time to talk. It is great and I always look forward to them.
    Thanks Harleena and have a wonderful day.
    Debbie

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:13 pm

      Hi Debbie,

      I hope so, though I know with experienced friends like you, there’d be lots to add to this post 🙂

      Communication IS the key factor I feel to solve any kind of relationship problems, and I think you can solve a lot of issues, in your marriage or otherwise too if you just talk out things with each other.

      I’d written a post on abusive relationship and then one one why bad marriages happen, which covered a lot on the warning signs on not marrying someone, but I’d surely keep this title in mind for a future marriage post.

      Yes, you’d mentioned about your daughter in an earlier post I’d written on marriage, divorce, and abusive relationship too. I wish our teens listened to us more when such things happen, isn’t it? Sadly, they realize what they’ve fallen into only when they experience things on their own – nothing we say has much of an affect when they are blinded by love 🙂

      It’s good to know that both of you DO manage to take out time for yourselves, something that we need to work on as well 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your pearls of wisdom with us. Have a nice weekend as well 🙂

  11. Ahsan

    February 12, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    Hello Harleena,

    Before the Valentine day, you choose excellent topic. Marriage is certainly mixture of challenge to make everyday life interesting so it will help each other to know in a new way. It helps both to make bondage stronger as ever.

    Here is Valentine Wish:

    It’s love
    Which brings
    Joy and sorrow
    Together
    in Life
    as a
    Joyful sorrow <3

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      Hi Ahsan,

      Yes indeed, love is in the air, so why not make Valentine’s Day a little more special and talk of how to save your marriage or relationship, if its in trouble 🙂

      I think if we take care of the various ways mentioned above, it will only make the bond better and stronger with time. I just hope people understand this simple fact and work towards a better relationship. Ah…nice words for Valentine, and thanks for sharing them here with us 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us 🙂

  12. lisa thomson

    February 12, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Wow, excellent advice, Harleena.

    I want to add one important point though, if only one person is willing to do these things in a marriage, then it is doomed. Both parties need to be on board all through the journey and not just at the ‘saving’ part.

    I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but accepting a marriage or relationship that is hard ‘work’ is a myth. Love and trust allow an ‘ease’ in the relationship. I used to believe it was supposed to be hard because that’s what people said. But it really can be joyous if you’re with the right person. Knowing the difference and when to call it quits can save your life.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:20 pm

      Hi Lisa,

      Glad you liked the post and could relate to it 🙂

      Absolutely! It has to be a combined effort, just as I mentioned, and it has to be worked on or else no marriage can really work. It does take time, effort, patience, love, and lots of understanding between both sides, but you have to work collectively.

      Not a myth in the real sense because an effort sometimes has to be made or you have to remind yourself off and on about it, especially if you are busy working or have both partners who are working, and such things take a backseat. Love and trust allows ease in a relationship, that’s true, but to keep that love and trust right through takes work from both sides, or love just starts fading with time. Yes indeed, it can be a joyous experience if you are with the right person or make your life hell, which is when after trying everything and seeing that nothings working, then save your life by walking off.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us 🙂

  13. Karen Jolly

    February 12, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    Excellent points – I’ve been married for 32 years and we are truly more in love today than ever before. Not to say we haven’t had our low points–definitely had plenty of those. But you are right on that communication is key, without building good communication skills in your marriage or partnership it’s impossible to make it through the ups and downs. My other favorite point (and I loved all of them!) is respect. Holding your partner in a space that says, you are my special person and that demands respects is vital. Relationships are worth taking the time to learn all of the skills – because when it lasts, it really is special. 🙂 Thank you!!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:28 pm

      Hi Karen,

      Awesome! You’d be able to throw more light and guide us, being married for so long, which I know isn’t easy for couples nowadays 🙂

      All of us have our low-times and I think they are good to have in-between because they add more spice to life, don’t they? Yes, communication, just as a few other friends mentioned above, which I too believe, is the main factor that helps solve any kind of relationship problems.

      Respect is important too, though sometimes we tend to overlook it, especially during those low-times or when we are not in the talking-mode due to a misunderstanding or tiff we might have had with our partner. Yes indeed, learning and mastering relationship skills isn’t easy, but it’s good to keep trying to make yourself better in them.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your wisdom with us. Have a nice weekend 🙂

  14. Ilka

    February 12, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    This is a fantastic post, Harleena! Thank you very much. You described the basics so well. And it’s true that it needs the willingness from both sides to have the marriage work. It is so easy to blame the other one 😉

    I also love the quotes you have chosen, especially the one by Ruth Graham.

    Thanks, Ilka

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:32 pm

      Welcome to the blog Ilka!

      Glad you liked the post and could relate to it. 🙂

      Oh yes…both sides have to work to save their marriage, or any relationship for that matter. It is easy to play the blame-game and point fingers at each other, but takes work to develop a strong bond of love, isn’t it? Ah…I love quotes, and always use them in all my posts – nice that you liked Ruth’s.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us 🙂

  15. Kathy

    February 12, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    Hi Haraleena!

    As a person who is going to celebrate her 37th–YIKES!–37th Anniversary this year I am VERY happy to say that my relationship with my husband just gets better and better as time goes by. But–and this is a big BUT–the key is many of the tips that you provide in this article. The ones I personally think most important is communication and respect…there is more of course but those two are essential.

    Thanks for great reminders! ~Kathy

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      Hi Kathy,

      Wow! Great going indeed! 37 years of togetherness is commendable, and so glad that things just get better for both of you 🙂

      I think the key factors are the one’s I mentioned in this post, which according to you are vital. I agree about communication being the key, just as everyone else affirmed too, and I think when you talk out things or issues, you really resolve a lot of relationship problems. I just wish more people would understand that all it takes is a little understanding from both sides to take out time to resolve things by talking!

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂

  16. Corina Ramos

    February 13, 2014 at 3:12 am

    Wow Harleena,

    You covered it all here. You have definitely laid out the foundation of a great marriage. If we can remember these things we’d have a healthier relationship and a long lasting one.

    My husband and I will be together 23 years this Friday and I tell ya, now that we’re older we appreciate our marriage a lot more. 🙂

    The most important thing is both parties have to do these things. It can’t be only one person working on a marriage.

    Happy Valentines day!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 14, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      Hi Corina,

      I hope so too! Yes, I did try to add all that I knew that works to save a marriage, though I know a lot more could be added. But just remembering these basic would ensure that we have a long lasting happy relationship, isn’t it? 🙂

      Aha…today is your 23rd Anniversary, so here’s wishing you many more to come – this post surely comes at the right time my friend, though I know you don’t need it as you are safe in your marriage! Just as Kathy mentioned, the older your marriage, the better it gets. I guess I’d have to wait to reach to that stage as well to experience what you wonderful ladies mentioned.

      I agree with you there – you cannot have just one hand clapping or one side making all the effort while the other one waits for miracles to happen. Effort has to be both-sided or things don’t work.

      Thanks for stopping by. Wishing you a very Happy Anniversary, and lovely Valentine’s as well – nice day to have them both together 🙂

  17. Sheryl Kurland

    February 13, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    All good points.

    Addition: It’s not all about the “together.” You have to give each other space to do your own thing,

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 5:46 pm

      Hi Sheryl,

      Glad you liked the mentioned points 🙂

      Yes indeed, the space in a relationship is very important too – just as it’s being together. I think when you manage to do that, your relationship only gets better, isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts 🙂

  18. Sylviane Nuccio

    February 13, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Wonderful post about marriage.

    Just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend about marriage,and I was telling him how I know only few people who are in a true marriage of bliss and happiness.

    The rule of thumb is that unless you marry for true love, it will be very difficult to have a truly successful and happy marriage. There are too many people not marrying for the right reasons out there. That’s why divorce is booming, unfortunately. I should know 🙂

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 5:52 pm

      Hi Sylviane,

      Nice to know that you liked the post and could relate to it 🙂

      I agree with you there, very few are really happy and still truly in love, while most just carry on or the love tends to fade with time and they stick on because of the children, as I’ve heard many mention.

      Yes, getting married when there’s true love is the key, though in some cases the love develops after marriage, if it’s an arranged marriage, which happens in some cases. I know you’ve gone through so much in your life so would be the best person to know about why marriages don’t work and how to save your marriage. I think you should get married when you are in love and for the right reasons too, just as you mentioned so that the love grows with time.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding to the post. 🙂

  19. Dhruv Bhagat

    February 13, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    This is an amazing article Harleena ma’am!

    I really like the way you explained everything in a simple manner.. Also, do share something on how to find love ? 😛

    P.S. I am single 😀 😀 😀 😀

    Wish you a very Happy Valentine’s Day 😉

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      Hi Dhruv,

      Glad you liked the post, and yes, if things are explained in a simple way, they are easy to understand and follow, isn’t it?

      Aha…you want a post on how to find love? Well, I have written about how to find true love, perhaps you missed that out – so here is the link again – http://www.aha-now.com/ways-find-love/, and if you want to find more post on love – just go through the ‘Love’ category right on top, it’s got lots of posts to help you find love too – yes, because you are single 😉

      Thanks for stopping by, and Happy Valentine’s Day too, though belated 🙂

  20. Babanature

    February 13, 2014 at 8:06 pm

    Hello Harleena,

    Relationship and problems goes hand in hand. You never understand what love is until you get in the groove (marriage).

    Marriage is the most blessed thing, because you’ve finally see someone to share your pains and your smiles, aint that wonderful?

    At some point in time (way back) i did had a little shake in my marriage because of time management… The reason the marriage did not fall apart was because, she grew to know me more and understands my character even more. I believe that there are some things you won’t see in your girlfriend or boyfriend till you marry him or her.

    Inspiring post this is… shared with my community. Thanks

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      Hi Babanature,

      That’s absolutely right my friend! You need to go through ALL the ups and downs in a relationship, whether you are single or married, but how deep is the love is something only marriage can teach you. I marvel at the couples who have been married for 30-40 years and more and still going strong – lots to learn from them, isn’t it? 🙂

      I agree with you there – marriage gives you a lifetime partner to share your life with, and you can make a beautiful life together by living in peace and harmony with each other, just as it should be. Sadly, many issues and relationship problems crop up with time, which lead to breakups and divorce, and I hope this post can help such couples.

      I can understand the time management factor, especially when one partner is working or earning to support the family and finds less time to spend with his/her family and kids. You need an understanding and supportive partner in such cases, and I’m glad your wife played her part and was there with you at such a time. Oh yes…when you are just friends, things are a lot different, and when you get married, everything changes.

      Thanks for stopping by, and I appreciate you sharing it as well 🙂

  21. Jeanne Melanson

    February 13, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    “Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.” ~ Zig Ziglar I love that statement. I really enjoyed reading this post and it has so many good points and advice. I think ego is definitely the biggest flaw in any relationship. We need to curb that, keep lines of communication, and respect one another. Thank you, Harleena, for another beautiful and insightful post.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 6:39 pm

      Hi Jeanne,

      I love that quote too, and I think it says it all, doesn’t it? 🙂

      Nice to know that you liked the post, and yes, a lot more perhaps could be added, especially by the experienced lots. Absolutely – ego is a killer, and lack of communication does cause relationship problems, whether you are married or single. I think you just need to talk out issues and take them one at a time to make things work.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us 🙂

  22. Michael Belk

    February 14, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Harleena, marriage can definitely be saved if both parties are on the same page.

    It does take a little work.

    Sometimes, people make matters worse by seeing what they want to see.

    I enjoyed your article.

    Your blog has a very positive feel.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      Hi Michael,

      Yes indeed, you can save a marriage provided both sides are ready to work for it, and that too from all their heart 🙂

      It takes effort, just as we need to work on any relationship, and you need to devote time for each other, and be understanding of each others problems also. Glad you liked the post, and it surely feels nice to hear about the positive feel of the blog – makes my blogging worthwhile. And I see that you opened up yet another new blog – wonderful indeed!

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  23. Dana

    February 14, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    Well, this year the hubs and I will be married for 10 yrs.
    We’ve definitely had our ups and downs – but I will say that I have come to the discovery that our spouse is there to reflect everything that lives within us back to us.

    Sometimes this is great – and other times it sucks…lol
    If we don’t respect ourselves – it’ll reflect in how we allow ourselves to be treated. If we don’t trust ourselves – same thing.

    My marriage has been a huge learning experience for me and I can say that I feel I have grown a lot over the years.

    I think it’s important to always be true to who you are and be with someone who can support your growth and let you be you (and vise versa).

    I feel that relationships in general (marriage being one of the most ‘in your face’ relationships) are meant to help us to become more self-aware. This is how I see it anyway.
    But the trust, understanding, friendship and respect are absolutely pivotal in marriage – and in any relationships we have – ESPECIALLY ourselves.

    Great post Harleena. A lot of good info here 🙂

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Hi Dana,

      That’s lovely 🙂

      Ups and downs are a part of any relationship, and I think it’s healthy too. Your’e right about the reflection part as well and I think they do bring out the best in us over time, don’t they?

      Lol…I understand that feeling! I think marriage helps us grow and develop as a person, especially if you sit back and see the number of years you’ve covered together and how you were when you were unmarried – so much change and the maturity level sets in.

      I agree about being true to each other and being supportive, though major relationship problems are known to occur when only one side works for the marriage, while the other doesn’t. Yes indeed, any relationship needs these factors, especially trust, respect, and communication being the most important, without which nothing really works.

      Thanks for your kind words, and for stopping by here to share your thoughts with us 🙂

  24. Shalu Sharma

    February 15, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    You know Harleena, ego is at the heart of it. Marriage is like a two way street and you have to keep it open to make it work. Its lot of hard work but its possible to save it if you work hard at it.

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      Hi Shalu,

      I agree with you there – it surely is 🙂

      It does take two to tango, and marriage is the same way – nothing works if it’s only a one-sided affair. Both partners have to work on their relationship to save their marriage, and bring love into their lives, and it can happen if you are ready to work for it.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts 🙂

  25. B k chowla

    February 15, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Harleena,
    In the institute of marriage ,each of the two partners have to adjust .
    Three factors are very important…Ego,Trust and Communication.I would give as much importance to communication as much as to ego

    • Harleena Singh

      February 15, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      Hi BK,

      That’s true – marriage is adjustment, and from both sides of course. I agree about these three factors being vital, though I feel if you keep your channels of communication open, you can overcome a lot of difference and relationship problems, isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂

  26. Bren

    February 17, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Hi Harleena! Love the post!

    As you know, I’ve had my share of marital issues as of lately. We were to the point of divorce, which btw, I was blind-sided by. Thankfully, after going through all the emotions of grief and betrayal, we are working on keeping it together. Your tips listed above are spot on.

    Communication is KEY and of the utmost importance. I am also trying to rebuild trust in him and he is trying to rebuild his “in love” for me. It’s like baby steps. I like to think of it as dating all over again and learning about one another. It’s not easy, I will tell you that. But I believe in one marriage so I must do what I have to to try and make it better.

    So far so good and I hope it continues that way!

    • Harleena Singh

      February 18, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      Hi Bren,

      Glad you liked the post, and I just knew you’d be able to relate so well with this one 🙂

      I know all that you’ve been going through dear friend, and I am SO happy for both of you for making the effort to make it work, which is most important to save your marriage.

      Oh yes…without communicating your feelings, you can really go no further to resolve issues, something that I’ve noticed in my own relationship too, so I know that’s of utmost importance. Taking one thing at a time, or the baby steps is the right way – just let them happen naturally, one at a time as they say, and things will be alright.

      Yes, dating once again, though you need to change your mindset to think on those terms, but then why not if you are making the efforts – make them fully, just as you are. I’m like you there, Bren – make all the efforts and go full out, and if even after that things don’t work, we shall see. At least we know we tried our best. Wishing you ALL the best, and it will be good I’m sure – keep the faith and remain positive!

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂

  27. Jerry Caster

    April 27, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Men should definitely set their ego aside if they want to be in a long- term, happy marriage. I’m 52 and have been married for 30 years. Keeping things interesting in the bedroom is also a must.

  28. Mukesh

    August 17, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    I think one should have positive approach towards any aspect of life. Developing a plan and goal for future is very important, doesn’t matter its business or life. I have only completed 8 years yet, happy and lovingly happy!




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Read more posts in the category: Love & Relationships




5 Simple Ways to Save Your Marriage

by Harleena Singh time to read: 12 min