Why Does Love Hurt When You’re in a Relationship

Table of Contents Why Hurt the One we Love?Why does Love Hurt?Issues when Love HurtsUnderstanding the Reasons Behind…
Why Does Love Hurt When You're in a Relationship
Like me, don’t you wonder why does love hurt when you’re in a relationship.
When it happens, you undergo a strange emotional commotion.
Why does the drift in love between two people cause pain? Why does love hurt so much that it nearly breaks us?

You all must be having someone or the other whom you love. It could be your spouse, parents, children, pets, friends, and just about anyone.

But when love hurts, these very people turn indifferent towards you or you feel different towards them, because you feel hurt.

You do feel hurt when you’ve expectations, and if you’re over-protective or over-possessive about the one you love.

Speaking of myself, it hurts me if my kids speak rudely to me, my pet doesn’t play with me or is unwell, or if I have had a conflict with a friend or family member, and of course, if my husband and myself have had some misunderstanding!

I also spend hours thinking why does love hurt so much even when you love so much.

If you read my previous post about understanding true love between two people, I had mentioned that I would  further take up the topic of love and write about what’s and why’s of when love hurts.

So, in today’s post let’s try and find out why does love hurt in a relationship and the issues associated with it.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” ~ William Shakespeare


Why Hurt the One we Love?

I guess it is much easier to hurt the one you love because they care and love you more than other’s do. If you were to go up to a stranger and say something hurtful, they would just pity you, and not really feel hurt by your words or action.

However, if the same hurtful things are said to your loved one, or even parents, kids in the family, friends, or relative, they would most probably take it to heart and feel hurt or experience immense sadness.

When love hurts, you don’t tend to think about the effect it would have on people, as you become incredibly selfish.

You may love your partner, but you love yourself more. Also, the one you love is at a closer reach than others, which is another reason you hurt him/her more.

Does love hurt because it is not real? I guess when there is true love there is less of hurt, but it surely does hurt still!

This happens because when there are misunderstandings between both partners, even love takes a back seat. It has to be reworked upon and rekindled again once you settle your differences, and you need to become best friends with your spouse once again.

“Where there is love, there is pain.” ~ Spanish proverb.

Why does Love Hurt?

Love hurts a great deal when your efforts become futile, and when your partner does not reciprocate the love you give.

Not only this, you could also feel hurt in love when there is no proper emotional foundation in the relationship. Love hurts most when there is no respect, and when love is lost.

Love takes efforts and needs acceptance, and the journey of love is not always a happy ride. When love hurts, it feels painful and you often cry. You are sad because you feel your partner ignores you.

I often feel guilty if I have hurt my partner, which happens unknowingly most of the time. But sometimes, it hurts to just see him undergoing the pain.

Why does love hurt so much that you can’t reach out and make up with your partner?

Some times in such situations, we tend to shut ourselves and stop feeling anything. Instead, we get angry and blame one another.

And this blame game carries on till we don’t put a stop to it ourselves.


When you have strong feeling for your partner, who means the world to you, you don’t expect them to hurt you, isn’t it? Yes, it is mostly the case, and when your loved person does hurt you, it pains your heart.

“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars.” ~ Roy Orbison

Issues when Love Hurts

There could be various issues as to why or when love hurts, based on each one’s personal experience. I have tried listing out a few reasons:

Love hurts when your partner –

  • Betrays your trust.
  • Has great mood swings.
  • Blames you for everything.
  • Humiliates or criticizes you often.
  • Puts restrictions on you regarding money.
  • Blames you for his/her situation or problems.
  • Gets angry for petty issues or just won’t talk to you.
  • Makes a thoughtless comment or degrades you publicly.
  • Has a problem in maintaining family relationships or friendships.
  • Has issues with you, though appears happy and gay outside to others.
  • Is jealous of your other relationships, even though they are with friends or family.

It also hurts when you feel that you have no say in major decisions, and are always afraid that your partner may end the relationship.

Understanding the Reasons Behind the Issues

Love hurts when there are boundaries set and restrictions between each other and you can no longer to convey your needs and desires to your partner.

It hurts when you no longer have any communication, understanding, relationships, and love between each other.

And even when you want to reach out – you can’t because your partner closes himself/herself.

“Those who really love you don’t mean to hurt you and if they do, you can’t see it in their eyes but it hurts them too.” ~ Holly Black

I guess love just hurts when you know you love your partner, yet you know you can’t do anything to help your partner from stop hurting you.

Word of Advice

When love hurts, the world just seems to go upside down. It’s almost like things have come to a standstill and there is no meaning in your life, or in living any longer.

After burning yourself with questions like why does it only happen to me, you might tend to end up victimizing yourself and take the blame inwards.

When it happens, you might also tend to isolate yourself from others and immerse yourself into work or other things. Or you start looking for new relationships immediately when one is over, or swear never to look at another man or woman.

But rushing into a new relationship while your present one isn’t over yet is not right. You need to give things time and find out ways to get over the hurt and pain.

Often times the only way to know more about love is to feel what love is not, and remember that healing from hurts moves us closer to love.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” ~ Anais Nin

Let me end the post by sharing two wonderful songs with you that I came across. One is from Incubus “Love Hurts”, and the other is Whitney Houston’s song “Why does it hurt so bad” (one of my favorites!). Hope you enjoy them!

Over to you

When love hurts, what do you do and whom do you turn to for help? Why do you think love hurts in the first place? Share your experiences to help people.

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos

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  1. I’m a strong and independent man. I thought I got all things figured out. And then I fell in love. Now I’m miserable, needy and clingy. I hate this feeling. Love stinks!

  2. Hi Harleena,

    This morning only i saw yr article about success and since then its more then 2hrs i am keep on reading yur article n finally i came to an article which asked me to write something n asked u as if i did right!!!

    I was in a long-distance relationship for 4yrs n we used to meet once in six months n used to enjoy our that short 1 week time period. after 4yrs i got an opportunity to get settle in same city where my gal friend living n with in 2months we had clashes fights n we brokeup….i felt hurt n went back n feel sorry for all those issues n bring her back…..since then its been 15months we both were trying to get settle with each other but nothing was going properly…..we were again fighting yelling n all later last week we mutually decide to get seprate….now we are trying to be friendly with each other….sometimes we chat over messenger…..i donno where things went wrong during all this….

    1. Welcome to the blog Shobhit!

      Ah…nice to know that you liked the articles on this blog and spent some time reading them all 🙂

      I can well understand more about you and your relationship with your girlfriend. I guess the love remains when you keep a distance from each other, rather than being with each other! I think the more you meet and closer you become, both sides start having a lot of expectations from each other, which might not be there earlier. This could be one major reason besides the others.

      Perhaps what both of you need is talking things out and trying to understand each other better through that. Talks help, and if you feel they are better done through chats or messenger then do that. Get to know what is hurting her or causing her to behave the way she is because there is always a reason why things happen – isn’t it? May be she is hurt by your actions or words, or there might be some other issues playing at the back of her mind and it all comes out in this form. So, do talk and let me know how it went.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience with us. Hope things get better with both of you 🙂

      1. Hey Harleena,

        Its over now, we mutually discuss n decide that we are done with this….n now i think whatever happen, happen for a reason n for good….it still pinching in some corner of my hurt as why this happen but its ok if this is the destiny…it’s almost 3weeks now ny how we were trying to be with each other since last 18months but tired with all efforts n game over….

        nyhow i m reading ur How to Move On and Get Over a Break Up blog…u really amazing writer…keep it up ur awesome articles :)))

  3. Nice to know more about you Koundeenya!

    I can well understand the phase you underwent, which happens in most cases. I guess that’s because you were both still getting to know each other’s natures – likes and dislikes. I guess women generally get hurt for small thing that men really can’t understand, and this leads to misunderstandings and problems.

    However, I am glad that the phase is now over for you and you have both learnt to find happiness with each other. Wishing you both a nice life ahead 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  4. You have rightly defined what love is.

    I have been in a relationship for the last three years and very often, we end up hurting each others’ feelings. I speak something wrong and she gets hurt; as she’s hurt, she won’t even talk to me for so long and that’s how I get hurt.

    But, I’m really happy to share that we are now the most happiest couple. After discussing the things with her, I feel relieving and she has also started loving me more than ever.

    It felt great reading your post and pictures of me and my girlfriend flashed in my mind while reading it.

    Thank you

  5. Harleena,

    Very nice article and wonderfully described. As we know, without fight there is no fun on LOVE. On real and reel life..! 🙂

    At my way, the core question roams around misunderstanding! That’s key. Everybody need their space. Most relationships gone wrong due this space constraint which will erupt differently and always try to lead wrong turn. Very best examples has been well depicted through our movies globally! Some of the stuffs will well fit on our real life.

    At love…give-up,fun,fight,care,excitement or anything is fine and needed too. But the success depends on trust and how to eliminate misunderstanding!.

    Thanks for sharing the nice article.

    1. Glad you liked it Manickam!

      Sorry for the late reply – I guess I missed out this one though am glad I saw it now. 🙂

      I agree with you there – love is all about having the good times as well a ‘little’ of the hurt time too because that’s what adds spice to a relationship – isn’t it?

      Misunderstandings are one of the main reasons love hurts in a relationship, and they are mainly not resolved and add to the problems. Unresolved problems can lead to serious issues with time and cause more hurt and pain too. Yes, each one of us needs space and even time to come back to the one we love – if for some reason we have been hurt. I guess it all depends from one person to another and how they deal with their lives.

      When you are in love, you need to be ready for all kind of things. There will be hurt, heart-breaks, fun and fight as you mentioned, some good or bad days too, and even misunderstandings – but that’s what makes life worthwhile and interesting I think. Everything is fine as long as there is trust and love in your life.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  6. Hello Harleena,

    I was quite interested in your post but the DIGG DIGG plugin on the right side made it difficult for me to read properly. If you could move it somewhere else then surely it would be easy for visitors like me to read thoroughly and easily 🙂

    1. Welcome to the blog Vikas!

      I’ll surely check out why Digg Digg is behaving such, and take the necessary action. Thank you for pointing out the problem. I’m sorry for the inconvenience caused. Do visit again and I’m sure you’ll find the problem sorted out so you can read my posts. 🙂

  7. This is true. And the number one thing that can ruin a relationship is temper and pride. I’m glad that I’ve coped up with it through anger and temper management because if one does not adjust to his/her partner nothing will happen.

    1. Welcome to the blog! (However, I wish you use your name so that I can address you)

      Yes indeed, temper and pride does ruin and cause drift in any relationship. I’m glad you found a way to cope with things, and yes, life is after all always a give and take between two people.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  8. Among all these points, I say love starts hurting due to mistrust. Another thing – if you expect something from your lover & if you don’t get it, it’ll be much more painful. Thanks for this elaborate discussion on love hurts.

    1. Glad you could relate to the post Ahsan!

      Mistrust is indeed another reason for getting love in hurt, because of which it can become tough to carry on in a relationship. Expectations always do lead to frustrations, whether it’s from your lover, spouse, or just about anyone, in any relationship. I guess it helps a lot if we develop a deep understanding when we are in love- isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

      1. A proverb says, Love is blind. So in blindness we believe everything even anyone tells lies. So after some day when it becomes clear that it was really all false love, we are mentally shocked & frustrated.

        1. That’s true Ahsan!

          Love is blind as the saying goes, and most of us get hurt in a relationship because we aren’t really prepared for the unexpected that may happen. When love hurts in a relationship, it breaks and devastates us a great deal. This is because when we love someone, we begin trusting them blindly. When that trust is broken, it does hurt, shock, and devastate us. Yet, we never stop falling in love – do we?

          Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  9. Hi Leena,

    This is a great post and gives so much information. I recently had a friend hurt me, and I’m afraid I acted in anger by saying something to her daughter-nothing really bad, but it was incorrect to speak in anger to her daughter about our issue.

    I went and apologized for my part in our disagreement, and she was unable to admit any wrongdoing on her part. She did say she forgave me, and I figured to just let it go. However, she spoke to mutual friends in a negative way and is willing to let our friendship go.

    The reason it hurts so bad for me is that I had invested almost 3 years in this friendship, and she was willing to throw it away after one upset. When we invest time, caring and energy in someone and they fail us, it is hurtful. How one handles that hurt is important, yet not easy.

    Thanks for sharing this information. Sally

    1. Glad you could resonate with the post Sally!

      Sometimes we do things in anger and later have regrets about the way we behaved, and this does happen with most of us, especially when we get hurt by the ones we are close to. And often times the anger gets directed at people whom we actually don’t want to hurt, which is more like an outlet of our pent up feelings.

      Nice that you went up and apologized and now things are resolved too, which is again something that most people forget to do. Saying sorry if you have hurt someone by your words or action is so very important in any relationship. Yes indeed, when we put in so much love in a relationship and are hurt in return – it surely does hurt us a great deal. But I guess with time we learn to get over such hurt, either by resolving issues or by letting go and moving on in life – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  10. Harleena,

    I like your list of why love hurts. I think I have experienced all of those.

    I was in a very hurtful relationship. I think my ex-husband was very self centered. Everything was about him. He wanted to be perfect but could not be- so he set out to make everyone around him perfect and we were not perfect. At least that is how I felt. I could never do anything right.

    Our relationship ended in a violent divorce as he became more and more controlling and we did less and less right.

    I turned inwards but did talk to one friend and ended up going to a group for women who had gone through a similar thing. In this group we were taught what hurtful and none hurtful relationships looked like. It was really good and healing.

    Dee Ann

    1. Glad you could resonate with the post Dee Ann!

      Sad to know about your earlier hurtful relationships. You surely have experienced it all, which must have taught you a great deal in return.

      When we are in a hurtful relationship as in your case, it gets very suffocating to live with such a person who is self-centered and takes out fault in people, or who are generally never content and happy with how things are. I guess we need to find happiness in the smallest of things we do for each other and appreciate each another – isn’t it?

      I think if you tried talking things out with him and nothing really worked because he wasn’t the kind of person to really understand you or respect your view point, then divorce is the answer. Separations, breakups, and divorces are never easy on anyone, though I’m glad that you found a friend and group to share your thoughts and feelings. Such support of friends and groups does help a great deal to pull us out of the hurt a relationship causes us.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  11. My girlfriend told me that sometimes I loved myself more than her. That’s why love hurts, because you love yourself, not the one you love.

    1. Welcome to the blog Tho!

      I think your girlfriend was right by saying that love hurts when you love yourself more than the other person. That’s where love becomes selfish as you only tend to think about your own happiness and needs, rather than the one whom you love.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  12. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that it is easy to hurt the one you love….it is so true and is the cause of many small fights in a relationship which later turn out to be so easy to make-up and love them even more.

    Wonderful article as usual.

    1. Absolutely Praveen!

      We do tend to hurt the ones we love the most I think, because most of the time we take them for granted that they will understand. But we don’t realize that they are ones who need to be handled with care the most – isn’t it? And yes, this does cause problems in relationships if we are not careful.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  13. Interesting point of view on the topic.

    I think love hurts because true love is a major risk. You have to be willing to let down your walls, share totally, and deal with the consequences of the possibility of those actions coming back on you in some fashion. It’s the one true emotional investment you give up to someone else, whether it’s a spouse or child.

    1. Welcome to the blog Mitch!

      Yes indeed, true love is a major risk, though without taking the risk you can never know about love – isn’t it? It is all about sharing yourself fully with another and it is unconditional, because many a times those actions don’t even come back to us, though it makes me wonder how do people still love another when it’s just one-sided. I guess we all are always ready for taking this emotional investment, without really caring for the consequences. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  14. Hi Harleena,

    Well, I don’t necessarily believe that love hurts. It’s the people who are doing the hurting even though they may be the ones we love.

    I don’t believe that “love” itself hurts. If it does then you’re with the wrong person. I believe that we as individuals are very much responsible for hurting others at times and for that we have to look within ourselves. Now sometimes people change so they grow apart which means that they may do or say things to hurt the other person because of this so that’s when love is fading anyway.

    You know I’m not exactly an expert in this area but I’ve had my share of very serious relationships and a marriage behind me so I do know a little about this topic. All I do know is that when you are truly in love, it’s not love that ends up hurting us. It’s each other.

    1. Absolutely Adrienne!

      It isn’t love exactly that hurts, instead the people whom we are close to that cause us the hurt and pain. Just as I mentioned to Jodi in an earlier comment, it’s also mostly our ego, fear, and expectations we have from one that causes us to feel hurt. But yes, because of all these things love takes a back seat and is affected.

      Yes, we do tend to become so selfish at times and don’t realize that we are hurting others, whether it’s knowingly or unknowingly. And often times it’s our inflated egos that doesn’t allow us to apologize for the mistakes we make, which causes further pain and leads to major problems. We do need to introspect and find ways to make ourselves better, before we can point fingers at others.

      Love shouldn’t fade because a person changes, instead it needs to be rekindled, nurtured, and worked upon so that it remains as it was – if not better. Easier said than done, I know, but I guess we need to make that effort if we want to make things work, or love just dies it’s natural death. But yes, people shouldn’t hurt one another and cause a drift in relationship, just because they are undergoing a change in their lives – that’s again being selfish and not really caring for the feelings of the other.

      I can well understand all that you have undergone Adrienne, which surely wasn’t easy and must have taught you a great deal in return – making you much stronger and wiser. Yes, it’s always the pain and hurt we cause one another than ends a relationship, though the love also dies its natural death in the process, because it just goes because of so many things that happen between one another….isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with everyone. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  15. Love truly hurts us in a lot of ways than we care to admit. However, I believe that it is not love per se that causes the hurt. It is the expectations, the preconceptions and misunderstandings that begin the hurting process.

    1. Welcome to the blog Casey!

      Yes indeed, love does hurt in a lot of ways, and we are more hurt by the misunderstandings, expectations, and so many other things that add up to make us feel such. I guess being humans we feel things and take them to heart, which hurt us in turn- isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  16. That’s so right Harleena!
    Thank you for making this analysis. Its a great job to help people with emotional pain feel better.

    1. Glad you could relate to the post Farouk!

      I guess I can just about share a few of my personal experiences, along with a few people I have seen undergo the pain and hurt, and yes, a little bit of research work that helped me create the post, which I hope was helpful to some people in someway.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  17. It’s funny I’m listening to Adele right now, Make You Feel My Love.

    Hi Harleena!

    It’s been a while since I’ve comment; but I’m glad I’m starting again, especially here. I think love hurts because we are selfish. We love and expect a certain amount of love/action/thought towards are way. And, I think that love is a state of being which we consider to be a high volume of expectation. As in, ‘love’ is something that, if measured, wouldn’t be measurable.

    So, when we love someone we think we’re giving them EVERYTHING. So, we expect EVERYTHING from them. However, like I said before, this is something that cannot be measured – so no matter what the other person may do – we will always get hurt. I say the word ‘always,’ because I’m young and always seem to get hurt… (but who knows what may happen in the future).

    When I’m hurt, I turn to my tears, ice cream, and more tears. This is how I get over any hurt situation.

    I hope this helps.

    Oh Adele and this article… how it makes me write these things. lol.

    1. Nice to see you here after a long time Jonathan!

      That sure is a nice song, and it seems to be perfectly timed with you reading this post. 🙂

      Yes indeed, being humans we do expect that our love be returned and in turn we become selfish to a certain extent, though I wonder how those people survive who love without expecting to be loved back in return!

      Love is unconditional and yes, we cannot measure how much who loves who, or whose love is greater or more than the other. But yes, love does cause us pain and heartache, and it hurts due to various reasons and expectations we have from one another, which are not met.

      I like your solution to deal with tears by having more of ice cream – guess that must be putting an instant stop 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with everyone. 🙂

  18. I’m finding myself very possessive lately (and this has caused the person to distance himself from me…). I don’t know what’s wrong, I’m not usually this way. Although the way I see it if someone doesn’t want to be with me despite the negative things then it’s a relationship not worth being in.

    1. Welcome to the blog Sabrina!

      Sorry to hear about your situation, though perhaps there is something on your mind bothering you that made you turn this ways. Being possessive isn’t wrong, though if you become over-possessive, it can lead to problems.

      Yes indeed, if someone loves you for who and what you are, they would be willing to accept you with your negativity. I guess sometimes things are not just meant to be, and all these things are only excuses for us to move on with our lives – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  19. Great points made on this, Harleena!

    I believe that love hurts when we go into relationships with expectations that people aren’t able to uphold or keep. It can also hurt when our standards are higher for individuals then they are able to maintain. Then there are those chameleon types of individuals that enter a relationship acting one way; only to change it up whenever it becomes convenient for them to show their true personality.

    I believe for the most part, love only hurts whenever it’s done as humanely wrong as possible (and only we as humans can love the way we do). When its love is truly understood, each person knows that expecting anything from the other person is liable to leave them disappointed. I believe the reason my partner and I have worked to build our friendship with one another for as long as we have; is mainly because we know that we’re both human. That doesn’t give us a pass to go and do something that would compromise the relationship, but it does allow for the mistakes, imperfections, and disagreements to be used as strengtheners to our commitment towards one another.

    We come from totally different environments and backgrounds; so we’re bound to do or say something that doesn’t sit well with the other person. Thankfully, we’re both great communicators. That’s helped us a great deal.

    Loved this, my friend! You find the best quotes! 🙂

    1. Glad you could resonate with the post Deeone!

      Expectations always do hurt, more so if you really have high expectations of your partner that you know are tough to maintain. Yes, I understand what you mean by ‘chameleon’ type of individuals who change their personality when it’s convenient to them, without even thinking about the person they are hurting in the process – truly selfish.

      I guess each person needs their space and freedom, even when you are two people much in love – isn’t it? And yes, being human we all need to understand each other, especially when we make mistakes, disagree or are not the perfect ones for one another. Just as you mentioned, you managed to live through your friendship for so long because you understood these very reasons, and the fact that if you do come across any of these issues, you sit and communicate with one another.

      Coming from totally different backgrounds and environments surely must have taken you a long time to adjust and accept each other for who and what each one was. You are bound to have initial conflicts and misunderstandings before you start learning to understand and respect each other, and being great communicators is half the battle won. 🙂

      Ahh…yes the quotes – I can never do without them, and hunting for the right one does take most of my time, but I love doing that too. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  20. Love hurts to me most when both partners have not learned to be selfless. You can’t except something that you will not give to your partner. If you want loyalty, respect, affection,honesty – those are qualities you have to have within yourself. I am in a relationship now that I’m loving; how selfish I have been in the past – considering my partner

    1. Welcome to the blog Teliah!

      Being selfless, loving each other unconditionally, accepting each other as you are, and being able to communicate your innermost feelings to one another is the essence of true love I think. It hurts when any of these are not met, besides the many other reasons.

      Yes indeed, you need to ensure that you have the qualities you are looking out for in your partner – like respect, trust, and affection. Once you have these – loving one another becomes simpler and the understanding develops with time.

      I am glad you are now in a relationship that you are liking, as compared to the earlier one. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  21. Hi Harleena,

    This was a fantastic post on a very important topic.

    Indeed, you are so right that love hurts especially with those who we are closest. I believe a massive cause is due to a deep attachment to the person. As you said, the same hurt wouldn’t be experienced by a stranger.

    One thing I know from experience is, it can’t be ignored. We can run and immerse ourselves in activities, but the pain will still follow us. Hence, it has to be dealt with.

    1. Glad you liked the post Hiten!

      I also felt this topic was an important one because I think most of us undergo pain and hurt when we are in love – isn’t it?

      Yes indeed, we hurt and are hurt most by the ones whom we are close to because we are so attached to them and also because we take them for granted most of the time. We don’t realize that we could be hurting them in the process, something that we should take most care of, because they are closest to us.

      Pain can never be ignored and it does remain, though the intensity lessens down a bit with time. This happens more so if you have someone better to love in your life, or if you have found some other way to keep you distracted from your hurt and pain. But yes, it works best if you learn to face the pain and deal with it.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  22. Love has been hurting me due to a messy situation and lack of communication. I’ve been wondering whether the guy I’m seeing wanted to be my boyfriend or not (we have been good friends for 10 years and getting together was very unexpected)

    He’s very secretive and a hard person to read, and I’m proud so I don’t like to ask. But last night he sensed something was wrong and made me say what was on my mind and now he has told me how he feels and that he does want to be my boyfriend. So the conclusion is something most people know but don’t act on – make sure you talk to your partner and don’t bottle things up.

    1. Welcome to the blog Lucy!

      Sorry to hear about the hurt and pain you are undergoing. If you have been friends for 10 years, then you would know each other pretty well by now, though perhaps when the question of taking up a serious relationship comes up, people tend to take a back seat sometimes.

      Yes indeed, when you are with a person who is not open about things and is secretive, it becomes difficult to convey your thoughts and feelings to him, and it’s tougher still to read such a persons mind. I guess that’s one reason he must have backed out as he must have realized that you are not fit for each other.

      The answer surely does lie in talking things out and conversing with one another to get to know each other’s mind. I’m sure it must have helped you both to talk about things and come to a decision.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  23. I think you nailed it when you talked about selfishness!

    We all tend to nurse our own wounds instead of trying to understand each other better. I think that with maturity come better self control. I watch my youngest children deal with hurts imposed by a sibling and see how they get better at communicating over time. I repeatedly have to encourage them to calm down and breath, and ask questions! I see so well that the “hate bombs” that they hurl at each other are just meant to protect them from more pain. The older they get, the more compassionate and empathetic they are.

    Thanks again for a very thoughtful post!

    1. Glad you could relate to the post Betsy!

      Yes indeed, we do tend to turn selfish and think more about ourselves and our pain, hurt, and wounds, instead of thinking about the other. With kids also it’s the same story, as when they are small they really turn selfish and have the worst of fights with one another, because they are too young to understand things. But with time as they get older and wiser, they start learning about being compassionate and kind with one another.

      Similarly with grownups also, as we mature we tend to realize many things about love and how essential it’s to communicate our feelings and emotions to one another. I guess if we really were able to talk things out with one another, there would be lesser pain and hurt – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  24. Harleena, aloha.

    The how and why love hurts is as varied as there are people and relationships. When I look at people’s relationships from my perspective, I often wonder why on earth they are in the relationship. To me, there is not much love in evidence. That being said, it works for them so is none of my business.

    Though you have certainly listed many of the reasons love hurts, aside those listed I believe expectations not being realized often starts the spiral of pain. Whether or not those expectations were realistic does not matter to the person who becomes hurt.

    People also are hurt because the other person does not do what they want–sometimes the person knows what they want and sometimes they do not.

    To my way of thinking, the better the communication the less chance of hurt or last hurt.

    Thanks so much for this segment in your Love series. Look forward to the next.

    Best wishes for a fantastic week ahead. May you know only the joy of love and none of the pain. Aloha. Janet

    1. Aloha Janet!

      Yes indeed, when there are problems in a relationship and if both partners are not getting along because there is no love or understanding between them, yet living as if nothings happened, it makes me wonder too as to why are they in a relationship. But I guess we are really no one to judge what people do with their lives, though just hope and pray that their lives get better with time, if they do plan staying in such a relationship – isn’t it?

      Expectations mostly do lead to frustrations, and when you have too many expectations from one another, it does trigger off the pain. I wish that partners could understand one another better and fulfill the general expectations before such a situation arises.

      I guess we need to understand that all our desires, wants, or needs are never going to be fulfilled, nor is our partner going to do exactly as we want or when we want. The sooner we accept this, the more at peace we will be with ourselves. Sometimes when your wants are met even without you asking for them, take it as a bonus and learn to appreciate your partner and be happy. Otherwise, just learn to accept the fact and not let it negatively affect your relationship.

      Everything does come down to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner, which is the only way that things can really work according to me. However, often time partners create barriers between themselves and aren’t able to communicate the simplest of things to one another and expect each other to know what they’re feeling and act accordingly, which often leads to misunderstandings, pain, and hurt.

      Thanks so much for your kind wishes, but being human, I also do have my share or pain and hurt, though am trying to overcome the barriers causing them.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  25. The pain that love causes varies from person to person and the kind/sort of love we have for them. Sometimes the pain is so shocking I wonder how it could be like that.

    1. Absolutely Jack!

      The pain and hurt caused due to love varies depending on the kind of love and whom we have it for, and yes it does surprise me too as to how people survive when the hurt is so immense. I guess whatever the kind of love, the hurt must be the same for those who undergo it – isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  26. I think in any relationship it is the expectations, lack of communication and taking the other for granted that causes us to hurt and be hurt. I have found that in the first few years of my marriage it was learning to live with each other and understand each other more that caused arguments. Now those seem a thing of the past. We do lose our temper, but it’s very briefly – love, respect and understanding cause us to apologize to each other real soon. Like Anne, said, love needn’t hurt if we are willing to invest ourselves fully in a relationship.

    1. Glad you could relate to the post Corinne!

      Yes indeed, lack of communication, expectations we have of one another, taking one another for granted, and lack of understanding – all add up to hurt and getting hurt in any relationship. Adapting to one another when you are initially married does take a lot of time, as you are getting used to each others habits, likes – dislikes and so many other things, which do lead to misunderstandings and arguments. And it’s only with time that the understanding between each other develops.

      With time as we mature, we do learn to adapt and adjust to one another much better. There is more of respect, understanding, communication, and love once you know each other so well. I guess if we are also able to apologize for the wrongs we do, it’s a clear indication that we are wanting and willing to invest into our relationship.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  27. Thankfully, my husband and I have a very close relationship. We’re very open with each other. If we hurt each other accidentally we’re able to talk about it before it blows up into unmanageable proportions. This is the key to avoiding issues in relationships – being able to talk through situations which are potentially painful.

    I realise that not everyone is able to do so in their relationship. Boiling over after building up rage is one nasty recipe for separation. Little things can build up quickly into one massive stone – driving a wedge into an otherwise good relationship.

    I don’t think love hurts. I think people hurt other people they claim to love because they’re not willing to give of themselves 100 %

    1. Glad you could resonate with the post Anne!

      Nice to you know that you have such a wonderful and open relationship with your husband, and I think the key lies in being able to communicate your feelings openly with one another – something that very few are able to do. And yes, whenever issues or problems arise, don’t take a lot of time to resolve them or they can turn sour.

      But yes, some people have huge egos hassles and keep waiting for one another to take the first step to resolve the issues at hand, and that just never ends the conflict then – isn’t it? Sometimes it’s better that when one partner is angry the other partner remains quiet or let’s the matter cool down, before putting across his/her thoughts about the issue. This surely does avoid things taking a drastic turn.

      Yes indeed, love is not what hurts, though people are hurt due to various reasons and when they aren’t willing to give all of themselves to one another, or when they fail to understand the emotions and feelings of one another.

      Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. 🙂

  28. Sylvanie,

    This has been a question I have often asked myself in the past…

    I remember when I first got divorced, even though I was glad to be divorced, it hurt so badly. I didn’t want it too but it still did. I was agonizing over the pain and I actually thought maybe I must be making a mistake to get divorced if it hurt THAT MUCH. Years later, I realize that just because you can’t be with them anymore doens’t mean you start to hate them, you always love them in some way but I still remember that pain..

    I havn’t felt that pain again until recently with my son now who is just entering his teen years. It’s an awful age and they say some nasty things and IT HURTS again… I wish knowing the reasons would help that hurt feeling stop but it doesn’t.

    Anwyays, nothing to add, just sharing my hurt stories. I feel much better now.


    1. Sorry to butt in Andre!

      I know your comment was for Sylvanie, but I thought to add my views while you wait for her to reply. 🙂

      Love always hurts, and it hurts whether you want it or not. I guess you just need to learn to deal with it, though at that very moment you really don’t realize what hit you because the pain and hurt is so immense. Yes indeed, it’s much later and with time that even after a separation, divorce or breakup that’s tough in itself, you learn to let go of the person.

      The pain remains when you think about it I think, though you may not hate him – isn’t it? I guess time is a great healer and when you have someone better and more loving in your life, and have a family and kids, everything you experience in your painful past takes a back seat.

      Ahh…talking about kids entering their teens! I have two of them in their teens now and yes, I ditto what you said about them saying such things sometimes that it can bring you down to tears, because it hurts so much. Yet, I know and understand that such things happen when they are passing through this stage of their life, so I try to overlook things, but yes, the pain and hurt effects you.

      Sometimes when we let go of our emotions and thoughts, it makes us much lighter – isn’t it?

      Thanks for sharing your experiences with everyone and glad you feel better. 🙂

  29. Hi Harleena,

    Yes, love does hurt in many ways. You pretty much put every reason under the sun why and how love can hurt.

    When people think about love that hurts they think about romantic partners, but to be sure that is not the only type of love that hurt as you mention in this post. A parent can be hurt by their children, children can be hurt by their parents, you could be hurt by a sibling or a friend, etc…

    I think that I have been hurt in many of the possible ways that you mentioned in your post, and love that hurts can be the worst thing on earth.

    Thank your for this, Harleena, and have a great weekend!

    1. Glad you could resonate with the post Sylviane!

      Yes indeed, love has many forms and it’s not just limited to the romantic kind of love, though love in any form hurts, and it surely does hurt real bad.

      Getting hurt in love, especially where your family, kids, parents, and siblings are concerned drains you out completely, as they are one support you have to turn to for all your worries and problems. Family always comes first as they say, though of course good friends are there too, but what you can share with your family and the way they understand you or know you, no one else does.

      I can well understand how you must feel about being hurt as you have undergone the pain with your own sibling and that hurt, always remains within unless you try to resolve it.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with everyone. 🙂

  30. Harleena,

    Love is the threshold to which humans overcome indifference for someone and you actually start to feel a bond. This is simply a mechanism to which we have evolved with. It is there to protect what you believe is your family group. It is a very strong bond. As it should be. We feel the urge to protect what we love. Especially our children. Without it we would all be lost and selfish and our human race would not endure like it is. But then, maybe that would be a good thing. Maybe there would be less hurt, jealousy and even war at times. But then again that would make up no different than a dog, cat, lion, or cow.

    I thought I would just look at it from a scientific point of view. I’m not a romantic but I do love deeply to those in my circle of love.


    1. Absolutely Allie!

      Love truly makes you bond with one another and it’s the very basis or foundation upon which relationships develop further. I really wonder how a few people can manage to go without love in their lives, especially where the love between family members is concerned. I guess they don’t have that strong a connection or bond in such cases and live their lives just for the sake of living.

      Yes, we do tend to protect our kids and that’s a mother’s or parent’s love for their kids, though nowadays we really can’t even be over-protective or possessive as it can have a reverse reaction! We tend to get over possessive even with our spouse, which isn’t taken very well either – isn’t it? However, I don’t think without love there would be any life or charm in living, even though it causes much hurt and heartaches. The feelings and emotions evoked when you are in love is what makes it all worth the while I think.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  31. I think the part that hurts is not love but other things. This is my take because I see love in the purest form. We use the word for all these other things but they are not love, they are fear and judgement. I realize there are many connotations to love, but I wish we got back to what it really means, distinguish it. Actually I would say these thugs are love, but love is not these things! What do you think?

    1. Glad you could relate to the post Jodi!

      Yes indeed, love is always pure, and what we usually call ‘love’ when we refer to something that pains, is not love but our ego, fear, our self-defined conditions and self-constructed expectations that are not met, personal imperfections like lack of self-esteem or confidence, etc. We’re hurt if we’ve a habit of possessiveness, desire for obsessions, or even when we think it is love, but it is not. Nonetheless, when all these are present, the love that is exists also takes a back seat – isn’t it?

      I agree that one must distinguish between real love and the popular love, but there’ll be a vast difference of opinions in this regard. Some might agree that there are different forms or levels of love, while for others love may be a high-emotional drama with excitment like in a roller coaster ride.

      In my last post I wrote about true love that is based on pure understanding and is free of any selfish motives or even expectations. That is the love you refer to, but there exists a prototype of true love that is still mostly sought after and crowned as “love”.

      The love talked about in this post is what mostly people know and experience, the love shared between two people that needs reciprocation and attention. It feeds on emotions, feelings, passion and produces feelings of pain and is easily hurt.

      What matters most is that it is love, and it is better than hate and its other malicious forms. Nevertheless, we cannot undermine the fact that if love is not understood, it could lead to disturbances in relations and end in hatred too.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with everyone. 🙂

  32. Hi Harleena,

    There is nothing more painful than the stinging hurt that can be created by our relationships. I have read some articles that deal exclusively about emotions and how they are electrochemical in nature and that is why our body can literally feel in pain when our relationships “go sour” momentarily.

    Sometimes we do unknowingly hurt others, this is why honest communication is so important. It’s okay to say to your friend, partner, kids, “hey what you just said or did hurt me.”

    1. That’s right Justin!

      Nothing’s more painful than the hurt caused due to the drift in relationships, especially where there is immense love. I had also come across such articles as you mentioned, and the ones that deal with how emotional pain is linked to our physical pain. One such links is from BBC

      Communication is the key to resolve issues and more-so if we have hurt someone unknowingly. It’s always better to talk and discuss things that help clarify the issues, and yes, if we are open and honest about our feelings, it’s even better as we can convey our thoughts and feelings.

      Thanks for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure to have you over. 🙂

  33. Hi Harleena,

    It’s an awesome post on love. You defined love and when it hurts in love very beautifully. Might be I cant give you good answers because love does not hurt me yet and hopefully does not ever 🙂 but I think it hurts you when you make so many expectations from others, it is not necessary you love somebody and in return he/she loves you back or loves you as much as you love him/her. It is good to talk with someone you love about your feelings and only that person could resolve it best.

    1. Glad you liked the post Pete!

      Keep your fingers crossed and count your blessings Pete that you aren’t hurt in love yet, and I pray you don’t get hurt too. However, when you are in love, a little heart pain is normal. 🙂

      Yes indeed, when we have too many expectations from our partner, we do get hurt as expectations always lead to frustrations if they aren’t met. And yes, there is one-sided love as I mentioned in my reply to David, but I wonder how do those people really live their lives loving another person without getting any love back in return. That truly is selfless love.

      Love is at it’s best when it’s in the purest and simplest form, and yes, when you can share your inner most thoughts an feelings with another without any kind of hesitation.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  34. Hi Harleena,

    It seems to me that when we are in a relationship that involves love of any kind and we hurt that person, we must look inside ourselves to see where we went wrong.

    If the other person lashes out at us and we respond in kind, then we missed an opportunity to become a better, more thoughtful and loving person.

    Their is one kind of love that you listed that is different though. That is unrequited or ‘love that is not returned’, in that case, we should expect no more from the person than we would from a stranger because that is not really a mutually loving relationship.

    However, finally, even with strangers if we can treat them with compassion regardless of who they are, that would be the best. First we cultivate compassion with those closest to us then we engage the same level of compassion (but not necessarily the same type of relationship) with strangers.

    When everything we do comes from a heart of compassion, we can make the world around us a little bit better. If everyone were to think and cultivate their hearts like this, the world would be a much better place for all of us! That’s my 2 cents!

    1. Glad you could relate to the post David!

      Yes indeed, we need to check ourselves too when things go wrong or when we hurt our partner, something that most of us forget doing though. 🙂

      I think the instant reaction to any kind of conflict or misunderstanding is to lash back or give back or argue to prove our point, which should not be the case. We do need to be patient and understanding at that particular time, because just as they say when one partner is angry or hurts you, the other partner should be calm and understanding. Perhaps wait for the storm to pass over and then place your point is a better option.

      Love that is not returned is a one-sided love and some people are happy just loving someone without being loved in return! I really wonder how they do that though!!

      With strangers you can just be cordial, nice, and kind. Love would take a long time to develop between strangers, though things start with friendship first. Yes indeed, if we all felt from our hearts and showed more love, the world would be a much better place to live.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with everyone. 🙂

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