Why Does Love Hurt When You’re in a Relationship

- | 68 Aha! comments | Posted in category: Love & Relationships

Why Does Love Hurt When You're in a Relationship
Like me, don’t you wonder why does love hurt when you’re in a relationship.
When it happens, you undergo a strange emotional commotion.
Why does the drift in love between two people cause pain? Why does love hurt so much that it nearly breaks us?

You all must be having someone or the other whom you love. It could be your spouse, parents, children, pets, friends, and just about anyone.

But when love hurts, these very people turn indifferent towards you or you feel different towards them, because you feel hurt.

You do feel hurt when you’ve expectations, and if you’re over-protective or over-possessive about the one you love.

Speaking of myself, it hurts me if my kids speak rudely to me, my pet doesn’t play with me or is unwell, or if I have had a conflict with a friend or family member, and of course, if my husband and myself have had some misunderstanding!

I also spend hours thinking why does love hurt so much even when you love so much.

If you read my previous post about understanding true love between two people, I had mentioned that I would  further take up the topic of love and write about what’s and why’s of when love hurts.

So, in today’s post let’s try and find out why does love hurt in a relationship and the issues associated with it.

“The course of true love never did run smooth.” ~ William Shakespeare

Why Hurt the One we Love?

I guess it is much easier to hurt the one you love because they care and love you more than other’s do. If you were to go up to a stranger and say something hurtful, they would just pity you, and not really feel hurt by your words or action.

However, if the same hurtful things are said to your loved one, or even parents, kids in the family, friends, or relative, they would most probably take it to heart and feel hurt or experience immense sadness.

When love hurts, you don’t tend to think about the effect it would have on people, as you become incredibly selfish.

You may love your partner, but you love yourself more. Also, the one you love is at a closer reach than others, which is another reason you hurt him/her more.

Does love hurt because it is not real? I guess when there is true love there is less of hurt, but it surely does hurt still!

This happens because when there are misunderstandings between both partners, even love takes a back seat. It has to be reworked upon and rekindled again once you settle your differences, and you need to become best friends with your spouse once again.

“Where there is love, there is pain.” ~ Spanish proverb.

Why does Love Hurt?

Love hurts a great deal when your efforts become futile, and when your partner does not reciprocate the love you give.

Not only this, you could also feel hurt in love when there is no proper emotional foundation in the relationship. Love hurts most when there is no respect, and when love is lost.

Love takes efforts and needs acceptance, and the journey of love is not always a happy ride. When love hurts, it feels painful and you often cry. You are sad because you feel your partner ignores you.

I often feel guilty if I have hurt my partner, which happens unknowingly most of the time. But sometimes, it hurts to just see him undergoing the pain.

Why does love hurt so much that you can’t reach out and make up with your partner?

Some times in such situations, we tend to shut ourselves and stop feeling anything. Instead, we get angry and blame one another.

And this blame game carries on till we don’t put a stop to it ourselves.

When you have strong feeling for your partner, who means the world to you, you don’t expect them to hurt you, isn’t it? Yes, it is mostly the case, and when your loved person does hurt you, it pains your heart.

“Love hurts, love scars, love wounds, and mars.” ~ Roy Orbison

Issues when Love Hurts

There could be various issues as to why or when love hurts, based on each one’s personal experience. I have tried listing out a few reasons:

Love hurts when your partner –

  • Betrays your trust.
  • Has great mood swings.
  • Blames you for everything.
  • Humiliates or criticizes you often.
  • Puts restrictions on you regarding money.
  • Blames you for his/her situation or problems.
  • Gets angry for petty issues or just won’t talk to you.
  • Makes a thoughtless comment or degrades you publicly.
  • Has a problem in maintaining family relationships or friendships.
  • Has issues with you, though appears happy and gay outside to others.
  • Is jealous of your other relationships, even though they are with friends or family.

It also hurts when you feel that you have no say in major decisions, and are always afraid that your partner may end the relationship.

Understanding the Reasons Behind the Issues

Love hurts when there are boundaries set and restrictions between each other and you can no longer to convey your needs and desires to your partner.

It hurts when you no longer have any communication, understanding, relationships, and love between each other.

And even when you want to reach out – you can’t because your partner closes himself/herself.

“Those who really love you don’t mean to hurt you and if they do, you can’t see it in their eyes but it hurts them too.” ~ Holly Black

I guess love just hurts when you know you love your partner, yet you know you can’t do anything to help your partner from stop hurting you.

Word of Advice

When love hurts, the world just seems to go upside down. It’s almost like things have come to a standstill and there is no meaning in your life, or in living any longer.

After burning yourself with questions like why does it only happen to me, you might tend to end up victimizing yourself and take the blame inwards.

When it happens, you might also tend to isolate yourself from others and immerse yourself into work or other things. Or you start looking for new relationships immediately when one is over, or swear never to look at another man or woman.

But rushing into a new relationship while your present one isn’t over yet is not right. You need to give things time and find out ways to get over the hurt and pain.

Often times the only way to know more about love is to feel what love is not, and remember that healing from hurts moves us closer to love.

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.” ~ Anais Nin

Let me end the post by sharing two wonderful songs with you that I came across. One is from Incubus “Love Hurts”, and the other is Whitney Houston’s song “Why does it hurt so bad” (one of my favorites!). Hope you enjoy them!

Over to you

When love hurts, what do you do and whom do you turn to for help? Why do you think love hurts in the first place? Share your experiences to help people.

Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos

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68 Comments - Read and share thoughts

  1. scarface

    2017-11-05 at 2:23 pm

    I’m a strong and independent man. I thought I got all things figured out. And then I fell in love. Now I’m miserable, needy and clingy. I hate this feeling. Love stinks!

  2. shobhit

    2013-07-06 at 12:15 pm

    Hi Harleena,

    This morning only i saw yr article about success and since then its more then 2hrs i am keep on reading yur article n finally i came to an article which asked me to write something n asked u as if i did right!!!

    I was in a long-distance relationship for 4yrs n we used to meet once in six months n used to enjoy our that short 1 week time period. after 4yrs i got an opportunity to get settle in same city where my gal friend living n with in 2months we had clashes fights n we brokeup….i felt hurt n went back n feel sorry for all those issues n bring her back…..since then its been 15months we both were trying to get settle with each other but nothing was going properly…..we were again fighting yelling n all later last week we mutually decide to get seprate….now we are trying to be friendly with each other….sometimes we chat over messenger…..i donno where things went wrong during all this….

    • Harleena Singh

      2013-07-08 at 9:06 am

      Welcome to the blog Shobhit!

      Ah…nice to know that you liked the articles on this blog and spent some time reading them all 🙂

      I can well understand more about you and your relationship with your girlfriend. I guess the love remains when you keep a distance from each other, rather than being with each other! I think the more you meet and closer you become, both sides start having a lot of expectations from each other, which might not be there earlier. This could be one major reason besides the others.

      Perhaps what both of you need is talking things out and trying to understand each other better through that. Talks help, and if you feel they are better done through chats or messenger then do that. Get to know what is hurting her or causing her to behave the way she is because there is always a reason why things happen – isn’t it? May be she is hurt by your actions or words, or there might be some other issues playing at the back of her mind and it all comes out in this form. So, do talk and let me know how it went.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience with us. Hope things get better with both of you 🙂

      • shobhit

        2013-07-09 at 9:01 pm

        Hey Harleena,

        Its over now, we mutually discuss n decide that we are done with this….n now i think whatever happen, happen for a reason n for good….it still pinching in some corner of my hurt as why this happen but its ok if this is the destiny…it’s almost 3weeks now ny how we were trying to be with each other since last 18months but tired with all efforts n game over….

        nyhow i m reading ur How to Move On and Get Over a Break Up blog…u really amazing writer…keep it up ur awesome articles :)))

  3. Harleena Singh

    2013-01-12 at 11:20 am

    Nice to know more about you Koundeenya!

    I can well understand the phase you underwent, which happens in most cases. I guess that’s because you were both still getting to know each other’s natures – likes and dislikes. I guess women generally get hurt for small thing that men really can’t understand, and this leads to misunderstandings and problems.

    However, I am glad that the phase is now over for you and you have both learnt to find happiness with each other. Wishing you both a nice life ahead 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  4. Koundeenya

    2013-01-11 at 4:45 pm

    You have rightly defined what love is.

    I have been in a relationship for the last three years and very often, we end up hurting each others’ feelings. I speak something wrong and she gets hurt; as she’s hurt, she won’t even talk to me for so long and that’s how I get hurt.

    But, I’m really happy to share that we are now the most happiest couple. After discussing the things with her, I feel relieving and she has also started loving me more than ever.

    It felt great reading your post and pictures of me and my girlfriend flashed in my mind while reading it.

    Thank you

  5. Manickam Vijayabanu

    2012-10-16 at 4:47 am


    Very nice article and wonderfully described. As we know, without fight there is no fun on LOVE. On real and reel life..! 🙂

    At my way, the core question roams around misunderstanding! That’s key. Everybody need their space. Most relationships gone wrong due this space constraint which will erupt differently and always try to lead wrong turn. Very best examples has been well depicted through our movies globally! Some of the stuffs will well fit on our real life.

    At love…give-up,fun,fight,care,excitement or anything is fine and needed too. But the success depends on trust and how to eliminate misunderstanding!.

    Thanks for sharing the nice article.

    • Harleena Singh

      2013-01-12 at 11:07 am

      Glad you liked it Manickam!

      Sorry for the late reply – I guess I missed out this one though am glad I saw it now. 🙂

      I agree with you there – love is all about having the good times as well a ‘little’ of the hurt time too because that’s what adds spice to a relationship – isn’t it?

      Misunderstandings are one of the main reasons love hurts in a relationship, and they are mainly not resolved and add to the problems. Unresolved problems can lead to serious issues with time and cause more hurt and pain too. Yes, each one of us needs space and even time to come back to the one we love – if for some reason we have been hurt. I guess it all depends from one person to another and how they deal with their lives.

      When you are in love, you need to be ready for all kind of things. There will be hurt, heart-breaks, fun and fight as you mentioned, some good or bad days too, and even misunderstandings – but that’s what makes life worthwhile and interesting I think. Everything is fine as long as there is trust and love in your life.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  6. Vikas Sindher

    2012-09-02 at 5:00 pm

    Hello Harleena,

    I was quite interested in your post but the DIGG DIGG plugin on the right side made it difficult for me to read properly. If you could move it somewhere else then surely it would be easy for visitors like me to read thoroughly and easily 🙂

    • Harleena Singh

      2012-09-02 at 5:33 pm

      Welcome to the blog Vikas!

      I’ll surely check out why Digg Digg is behaving such, and take the necessary action. Thank you for pointing out the problem. I’m sorry for the inconvenience caused. Do visit again and I’m sure you’ll find the problem sorted out so you can read my posts. 🙂

  7. Temper Management Techniques

    2012-07-18 at 3:30 pm

    This is true. And the number one thing that can ruin a relationship is temper and pride. I’m glad that I’ve coped up with it through anger and temper management because if one does not adjust to his/her partner nothing will happen.

    • Harleena Singh

      2012-07-19 at 10:12 pm

      Welcome to the blog! (However, I wish you use your name so that I can address you)

      Yes indeed, temper and pride does ruin and cause drift in any relationship. I’m glad you found a way to cope with things, and yes, life is after all always a give and take between two people.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  8. Ahsan

    2012-05-28 at 3:23 pm

    Among all these points, I say love starts hurting due to mistrust. Another thing – if you expect something from your lover & if you don’t get it, it’ll be much more painful. Thanks for this elaborate discussion on love hurts.

    • Harleena Singh

      2012-05-29 at 5:57 pm

      Glad you could relate to the post Ahsan!

      Mistrust is indeed another reason for getting love in hurt, because of which it can become tough to carry on in a relationship. Expectations always do lead to frustrations, whether it’s from your lover, spouse, or just about anyone, in any relationship. I guess it helps a lot if we develop a deep understanding when we are in love- isn’t it?

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

      • Ahsan

        2012-07-21 at 9:17 am

        A proverb says, Love is blind. So in blindness we believe everything even anyone tells lies. So after some day when it becomes clear that it was really all false love, we are mentally shocked & frustrated.

        • Harleena Singh

          2012-07-21 at 9:34 am

          That’s true Ahsan!

          Love is blind as the saying goes, and most of us get hurt in a relationship because we aren’t really prepared for the unexpected that may happen. When love hurts in a relationship, it breaks and devastates us a great deal. This is because when we love someone, we begin trusting them blindly. When that trust is broken, it does hurt, shock, and devastate us. Yet, we never stop falling in love – do we?

          Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

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Why Does Love Hurt When You're in a Relationship

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