Coping With Divorce Made Easy
Table of Contents
Don’t get me wrong – neither is divorce easy for anyone, nor is coping with divorce.
Still, not many people, who decide to split ways through divorce have an idea about how to cope with divorce and what lies in store for them.
Going through a divorce is not just a sad break-up that happens after a failed marriage.
In fact, undergoing the process of divorce and the state after divorce could be a more traumatic experience for some people.
This could happen to any man and woman, though that largely depends on the conditions that led to divorce.
And if there are any issues out of the wedlock, then the child is the third casualty in the destruction of marriage.
You all know how difficult it becomes for some kids to face the divorce of their parents. Not to mention the amount they suffer, which I shall cover in a later post.
I know there can be exceptions where the case is contrary to my assumption, but talking in general, coping with divorce might not be an easy affair.
In my previous post on divorce I talked about the plausible reasons for divorce and when should one think of obtaining a divorce.
But first there was this question that I asked – should you really get divorced?
The conclusion was that even if you’re going through a bad marriage, you should try your best to reconcile, as you never know things and people might drastically change for better with time.
Some people simply find a few unreasonable and selfish reasons, or some silly and unjustified excuses to divorce, and that’s not the right way.
However, if there’s abuse in the relationship or serious incompatibility, then depending on various other factors like the nature and degree of abuse, divorce is the only way out.
Some of my friends and family members have undergone divorce, but I’m glad they are through it and living a much happier life now. Some have even remarried and have kids – so life doesn’t end there. 🙂
But one should be prepared for a more challenging life after a divorce and a painful one initially. Yes, after a while things do get better for those who were in a bad marriage.
Why is Divorce Painful
Breakup of a marriage and the ensuing divorce can trigger unpleasant and painful feelings.
That’s bound to happen because you are breaking away from someone you once loved, or had been with the person for some time.
But what do you do when things don’t just work out, and you have to part ways?
You need to heal your scars and wounds with the help of your friends and relatives or other near and dear ones. If that’s not possible, then you need to learn to self-heal and cope with the divorce.
But first let’s understand why any person undergoes such a traumatic experience after a divorce, even if the marriage was a failure.
Some of the reasons are as follows:
- Feeling of shame
- Sense of failure
- Loss of companionship and support
- Shattering of dreams and hopes
- Haunting memories of good times
- Reminders of past commitments
And much more.
You might also feel that you’ve been used or misused, and that your partner played with your emotions.
There could be heightened stress due to the failed marriage and romance, and increased anxiety of uncertainty about the future.
After a divorce, your whole life is disrupted including your family, relationship, routine, and plans. This hurts a lot! Your life suddenly changes and it feels like your world has ended.
The scariest thing is that you sort of lose your own identity, and you’re thrown out into the wild that makes you feel you are no one and all alone.
Going through divorce is almost like bereavement for many people.
You’re filled with grief and deep sadness – similar to what you experience when there’s a loss of a loved one, and that might even lead to depression.
But don’t lose hope as there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Going through a divorce is not easy but it’s not impossible either.
The process of getting through divorce may take time, and during that time you need to develop the personal qualities of patience, perseverance, and positivity.
Ways of Coping with Divorce
According to a recent research , though women suffer more financially in a divorce as compared to men, they are able to cope with divorce in a much better way.
I don’t know how many of you agree with that, so I guess you need to read it to assess it yourself.
But it is a fact that the way men and women react and adapt to events and changes in their lives are somewhat different.
In this post I’ll discuss about how both men and women handle divorce in general.
Remember that separation or divorce largely impacts your emotional and mental aspect. You become weak and unstable emotionally, and your thoughts and attitude turn negative.
And this is very normal and a natural thing to happen.
Knowing your condition or state, you may follow some or all of these guidelines to cope with divorce and make your life easy.
1. Share and Talk
First and foremost – don’t undergo this ordeal of separation and divorce all alone. Share your feelings, thoughts, and problems with your family, friends, and those whom you trust.
If you don’t have such help, then join any support group or build a strong support network.
There’s nothing better than such a network to share and talk your feelings out. More so, if you have people who are going through divorce, it becomes easier to relate things.
Women seem to be better at it than men, who too need to realize that they also have similar emotional needs.
Nevertheless, I’d suggest seeking professional help and meeting a counselor or a psychiatrist, as that’s always better. But this is only if you don’t have other support.
2. Grieve and Emote
Don’t block your emotional and mental channels by repressing your feelings and thoughts. If you do that then they might turn sour or negative and adversely impact yourself from coping with divorce.
Too much of negativity within could either make you unnecessarily negative or depressive. This is why grieving is a part of the healing process, so don’t stop that from happening.
As these feelings and thoughts enter your mind, you should identify and acknowledge them, experience them, and then let them go.
Expressing and releasing your feelings will help you lighten up and heal yourself.
3. Accept and Adapt
You’ve to accept the situation you’re in and embrace the change you’re going through.
You’ve no other choice but to accept and adapt to change, or else you’ll make your life miserable.
Obviously this is not easy. Your entire world might change, and you unwillingly land up out of your comfort zone, which is something no one wants.
This is the hardest part of coping with divorce.
You may try to continue with your previous routine and get back to your comfort zone, but don’t get frustrated if you can’t. Take it that life demands a change, and just accept it.
4. Anger and Avoidance
You might experience a mixture of conflicting feelings like anger and resentment towards your ex, as well as sadness and confusion with your own post-divorce status.
You need to develop your inner strength and power and don’t let the negative emotions get the better of you.
Try to keep cool and control yourself by reminding yourself that this is merely a passing phase.
I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s one of the best ways of coping with divorce.
Avoid resorting to any negative measures to resolve the issue, including violence, substance abuse, and other addictions because they only harm you in the long run.
This also includes excessive emotional eating, which could be disastrous and an obstacle in getting through a divorce.
Avoid all sorts of self-destructive mechanisms, and you need to work hard on this aspect.
5. Take a break and Deny denial
To remain upbeat and to upkeep your mental health, you should take a long break after your divorce to divert your mind from any heart breaking issues.
Stop whatever you’re doing and try to go on a vacation with your family or friends.
Just don’t go into denial and close the doors on starting a new life. Don’t deny your right to your share of happiness in life.
Your low feelings and phase might affect your work and you might not be that productive. You need to rise up and get back to your normal self.
6. Move on and Self-motivate
Don’t stay in stagnant waters as life will become stingy and tough to live by. Move on, as you deserve to take your life in your hands and make something good out of it.
I’d suggest taking life as it comes, and take your situation as a challenge and an opportunity to better yourself.
Believe that you’re worth it and you’ve got all that it takes to achieve success.
Your happiness does not end with your marriage.
You need to develop a lifestyle that encourages feelings of self-worth and wellness. Only when you feel good about yourself will you be able to handle the pressures and problems of life.
7. Socialize and De-stress
Mix around with people, meet friends, or make new ones.
While it might help to make friends online and on social networking sites, but you also need to get real and find friends in real life.
Surround yourself with positive people, and join clubs or hobby groups where you may find like-minded people who help you feel good about yourself.
It is essential to discover and learn positive ways to relax and de-stress in order to cope with divorce.
8. Optimistic and Open
Start afresh with all renewed hopes. Count your blessings and make a list of things you’re good at, and accordingly make your future plans.
It’s true that sometimes things don’t always work as per what you plan, nor can you be perfect and do everything always.
So, accept that, and remember that part of being open and optimistic is also realizing your own shortcomings and improving them.
Also, don’t neglect self care. You need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally too.
You could start with your walks and exercises, and ensure you get proper food and rest, and so on.
9. Redefine and Expand
This is the time for self-exploration and to connect with you – yourself, especially for women who’ve been simple housewives or men who’ve never been at the helm of home affairs.
You need to overcome your fear of isolation and tap your potential to bring out your inherent abilities and skills. You need to boost your self-esteem.
You, your activities, and your world will change after divorce.
You would need to be multi-faceted and do things that you never thoughts of doing earlier, or never really got involved in doing as a spouse because you depended on each other.
Divorced mothers would need to manage the outdoor tasks that they counted on their husbands to take care of.
Divorced fathers, if they retain custody of children, might need to learn how to raise a child or children, and manage the house.
Both divorced men and women may need to redefine themselves.
It’s true that because of divorce they might end up learning many new things, but it could be quite overwhelming if they’re not prepared.
I’d like you to watch this video that would show you more ways to cope with divorce.
Beyond Divorce – Surviving divorce after your break up ~ YouTube video
Words of Advice
Don’t make the mistake of immediately falling in love with someone else during the divorce process or immediately after a breakup. Such haste can complicate matters and create more problems.
You might be tempted to take this step as this is the time that you’re at your weakest and lowest levels, and you might feel that you desperately need such a support.
If you’re a woman who’s going through divorce, you need to get out of the emotional bandwagon and get back on track.
Many dependent women get so overwhelmed with emotions during and after the divorce that they tend to ignore the financial aspect of divorce, which could help them start their life from scratch after the divorce.
Do you have the funds to cope with divorce, or how will you manage going through a divorce – are questions you need to ask yourself.
Mothers, who’re left with the custody of their children, are now laden with an additional responsibility to raise them single-handedly.
As mothers, you need to put up a brave face in front of your children no matter how you feel inside.
Remember, you have to play both the roles now, that of a mother and a father to your children.
You all know that an empty mind is a devil’s workshop – so remain busy when you’re going through divorce, or even after you’ve been divorced. It helps to keep the mind away!
Don’t let this incident in your life leave a scar and fear in your heart and mind, which might stop you in going ahead with future relationship or even re-marriage.
Not all relationships end in the same way, and not everyone is as bad or incompatible. 🙂
You’ll have a bright and happy life if you spend the crucial time coping with divorce in the best possible ways, just as mentioned in this post.
Life starts when you think it starts – it is always in YOUR mind, so think positive, always. 🙂
Over to You –
Did you or someone you know undergo divorce? How did you or they cope with it? Do you think there are more ways of coping with divorce? Share your experiences in the comments to help others pass through this phase of life.
Photo Credit: FreeDigitalPhotos
Thanks for posting up this great article.
Family law attorney Henry Gornbein recently published a fantastic book on divorce which thoroughly covers the entire process and guides you with top advice through every step. Anyone who is contemplating entering a divorce needs to read this book.
I have found it to be such a massive help in recent months. Just understanding the process better has helped to relieve a lot of the stress and anxiety.
Well, who would have ever thought I’d be saying this in a comment but this is now applying to myself and my wife, Pam Papier. I never saw she’s been manipulative while I’ve been trying to fix ‘us’. Such an incredibly sad moment/s of acceptance, realisation, anger and more acceptance – to move on and past her.
I’ve been moving through the whole gamut of emotions you’ve talked about and thank goodness for real friends that I could lean on. Friends that Pam had previously alienated from me which is (now obvious) another manipulation.
The saddest part was thinking I could have ever fixed us when she quite literally gave up 2 months into our marriage, due to my previous business failing.
I can see myself coming back and re-reading this, to help through the next challenging stages. I STILL believe in love!
The thing is that talking is maybe the hardest thing to do, cause of the shame and discomfort you feel like a you have failed all, and that is the time for a good friend to come handy. Anyway it is best to get help and support from people you trust, going through divorce alone is extremely hard and damaging.
Welcome to the blog Bibika!
I can understand what you mean, but if you don’t share your feelings you’d be miserable. I guess talking with family or close friend’s can help, if you don’t want to share it with anyone else. Coping with divorce isn’t easy, but people do manage to get through if they follow certain ways.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with us 🙂
Good tips on making coping with divorce a little bit easier. Share and talk is the most effective, but sometimes is the hardest for some to put into practice.
Welcome to the blog Evan!
Sorry to have missed your comment earlier, though I’m glad to catch up with it now 🙂
Yes indeed, sharing and talking things out with others does help a great deal. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s one of the best things that work.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂
I loved reading the entire article inspite of its length because the topic being discussed comes up much too often these days, with the levels of intolerance rising up.
I even went through all the comments- and there’s a lot of them!!I would just want to ask you one thing: WHY are the divorce cases on the rise?
Is it because, as Sylvianne put it, people marry without thinking too much of the future of their relationship? Or, is it because we have lesser time for each other? Is it to be blamed on the extremely rigid stands most if us take?
I am sure stressful lifestyles and a narcissism has a major role to play. Add to it the habit of placing one’s own happiness and interests above every one else’s.
Am I right?
Hi Ambika – nice to have you back 🙂
Ah…most of my posts run this length and I guess my readers have now got used to it. I agree, this topic is such that there is no end to what you can share and discuss about it.
Yes indeed, comments are what makes this blog and I remain ever so grateful to my readers for sharing their feelings with me here.
There could be many reasons as to why divorce is on the rise, though I feel it’s mainly due to the lack of time we have for our partners because of the busy lifestyles we lead. However, that’s not an excuse because time always has to be made – it’s never really there, isn’t it? Yes, some people get married without knowing the other person well enough, only to realize what they’ve got into much later, and that could be another reason.
Divorce can be avoided if we take out the time by making a deliberate effort to understand and love our spouse. It does make a difference.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂
You are never scared to tackle the tough topics! Fortunately, I have never had to experience divorce, but I have seen friends and family members go through it. In my most humble opinion, your most important advice was your first one: “Don’t make the mistake of immediately falling in love with someone else during the divorce process or immediately after a breakup. Such haste can complicate matters and create more problems.”
I have two friends who married soon after their divorces, both because they wanted affirmation of their desirability (my strong opinion), and their spouses simply aren’t the men my friends deserve. I wanted to shake both of these women and tell them to wait but you really can’t do that when someone is in love.
Actually I have a topic suggestion for you: what to do when a dear friend of yours is dating/plans to marry the wrong person. My husband and I have discussed this issue because we both told friends that the person they were going to marry wasn’t a good fit for them. Both of our friends got married to the person we recommended against and both couples are still married. So my husband and I were wrong and we lost friends because those friends’ spouses weren’t too keen on us.
But I do regret holding my tongue with one friend who is still married to her husband 22 years later and is miserable. She married him one year to the day after her divorce from her first husband. She complains about her first husband non-stop and they have three kids, each with serious problems. Should I have spoken up 22 1/2 years ago?
I digress. This article was fantastic and bound to be helpful to those who are in great need of help. The only place I disagreed with you was your advice to seek counseling only if you can’t talk to your friends. As Christy Garrett said above, counseling can be of immense benefit even if you do have friends to talk to about your divorce.
Thanks so much for your brave and adept handling of this very difficult topic, Harleena. Perhaps if people read your next article on relationship issues, they won\’t need to know about divorce! 🙂
Oh yes…never scared to tackle tough topics, especially when I know they affect so many people, and if I can share them here to help someone, I’d only be too glad 🙂
The same is the case with most of us because we do have close family or friend’s who are or have been through divorce, and it’s become so common nowadays that you really don’t find it as a surprise any more if you find out so and so is seeking a divorce.
Ah…that is one point that I strongly believe in – as like you, I too have seen some of my family members get trapped in, but only to later realize the fix they got themselves into. I guess if you don’t give yourself time to really go through the steps and process of coping with divorce as mentioned, and rush into another relationship or even marriage, it’s really taking your chances because such relationships rarely work out.
I can understand what your friends must’ve undergone, and sometimes they are in such a state that anyone who gives them a soft shoulder or says a few words of love, they tend to get carried away. I’m not saying that all of such relationships don’t work out, but you need to give yourself and your new relationship ample time to get to know each other and really be in love before going ahead. And yes, be very careful to not commit the same mistakes you did in your previous marriage, which again you need time to sit and evaluate, and take into account what really worked and what didn’t before going ahead with a new one.
Ah…that’s a lovely suggestion and I shall write it down straight away for my future relationship or marriage posts. Sorry to hear about your friends, but perhaps things are working out for them, even though sometimes we see things in a different way than them. Sometimes they feel things will work and they do initially, but after a few years things start to fade away and the bitterness sets in once again. I hope that doesn’t happen in your friend’s case, but that is what’s generally observed if you rush into a new relationship soon after the divorce.
You really can’t do anything about the past and about things that have happened – isn’t it? I’m sure you had your reasons for not speaking up that time, or perhaps you weren’t as sure of things as you are today, and all this wisdom comes only with age and experience too I feel. Perhaps she will come to live with her life and I don’t think she is miserable now or else she might have moved on with her life, though I feel bad for her kids who are facing serious problems, which again is something that most kids of divorced parents go through, if they aren’t handled with care.
I agree with you there, my next post is what I could’ve added to this one but it might have made this post a very lengthy one. But those EBB qualities mentioned in the relationship issue posts are things that we can work on and get better, and once that happens, there are certainly lesser chances of divorce.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences and words of wisdom with us. I think this is one of your longest comment here, and I do appreciate the time you must’ve taken to write it all down, knowing the busy person that you are – much appreciated 🙂
Which partner is at fault is not important. What is important is how does one deal with the reality.
Look, in the West, it has been common to face a divorce.I understand,there are states in the US which have 85%! divorce rate.
As for India,divorce used to be a bad word till women were just about house wives. After, Indian girls have taken education seriously, become economically independent the rate of divorce has increased.
It being a reality, all one needs is to try and avoid the divorce. If not, be brave to to face the truth.
I agree with you, and the reality is what we all have to face eventually 🙂
Yes indeed, it is a very normal thing, especially in the US. In our culture, it still hasn’t taken up in a good way, but people are surely getting influenced by the West and taking divorce if they aren’t happy any longer. I guess women have now become self-independent and they feel they can look after themselves without being dependent on their husband as was the case earlier, which stopped many women who were living in a suffocated and abused marriage to walk out. I’m glad that such women can now lead happier lives on their own.
It is best to avoid it, which happens only when both sides are willing to talk and resolve issues in their marriage. But if things come to a head where it becomes unbearable and if you’ve tried all that it’s in your power and nothing seems to work, it might be the best option.
Thanks for stopping by and contributing to the post 🙂
This was a brilliant post on the area of divorce with such sound and practical advice on how to cope with a divorce.
I have a few members in my extended family who have been through divorces. They happened when I was younger, so I didn’t really consider the negative impact it must have had on them, and their wives and husbands.
After reading your post, it is so clear that a divorce can be such a painful experience. I think the tips you shared were excellent and in particular could appreciate the points you made about allowing yourself to emote properly, to move on and to socialise. Indeed, a divorce certainly isn’t the end of the world. Those in my family who had divorces certainly did move on and remarried.
Nice to know that you liked the post and the little advice shared here about how we can cope with divorce 🙂
I guess most of us have a few family members and friends who sail in the same boat too, or shall I say that divorce has become so common nowadays that these things are often overlooked and don’t really bother many people around us any longer. But the impact it has on the couple can be pretty bad and only the ones going through it would know what they go through and how they feel.
Yes indeed, it IS painful and as a few people who commented earlier, especially those who have been divorced, they compared it to death, so you can well imagine what they went through, though I’m glad most of them are over it and leading happy lives, and some have even re-married and are much better off now. At such times it’s important to let yourself emote or pour out your feelings, instead of keeping them to yourself, which only worsens things, and men really have a tough time with this one!
Oh yes…a divorce isn’t the end of the world, and is in-fact a breather for some who’ve lived in a suffocated or abusive marriage for a long time. I come across so many such people, and I’m glad they made the right choice to move away at the right time and are happily settled now.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views with us 🙂
Well, I have no idea about divorce and how someone would go through in such a scenario. We can’t gauge it by looking at someone or their behaviors, no? 🙂 I find they behave like normal people too, but it’s not what I see, I guess.
Eventhough I’m not familiar with divorce, I find that “Falling in love with someone else” is quite a common scenario when it comes to break-ups too Harleena. Isn’t it?
A close friend of mine left with a married girl who had a child, and it was few months before his engagement with the girl he loved for 8 years. It was like a dream! I think there was a deep rooted problem. He’s somewhere out there and may be worrying about the quick decision he took. Anyway, his girlfriend had to take the pain alone and unfortunately, her parents couldn’t resist it either. If it is that much effective, I can’t imagine about the impact of divorces.
It’s sad that people have to go through divorces and break-ups, but sometimes it could be the best option left.
When I look into break-ups, it’s very rare they share their feelings after all Harleena. I think it’s normal as they worry about how others would respond to their personal feelings. If they can get some kind of support from their parents or friends, that would be a great relief I guess.
You know, sometimes even it’s harder for us to deal with something very small when it comes to reality, so I think prevention is the best as always.
You have a relaxin’ Sunday Harleena 🙂
I can understand that, and I appreciate you for taking out the time to stop by and leave a comment, even though you aren’t married yet. Yes indeed, we really can’t make out what the other person is going through, but sometimes others leave a lesson for us to learn in some way or the other.
I agree with you there, and I think people tend to fall in love with someone else after divorce because they either miss their spouse or want a replacement, or they just want to get over their present marriage and the divorce they underwent. But I strongly feel that they should give themselves some time before jumping into any kind of new relationship, which may or may not succeed.
Hmm… yes, such cases happen and sometimes wrong and quick decisions are what leads to such complications. Or perhaps he wasn’t really in love with the girl he loved for so long and found his true love in this married girl, and when that happens, nothing can really stop you as love is blind – isn’t it? Yes, I too feel bad for the girl he was engaged to and all that she might be going through, but I hope she asked him why he did what he did, if he was contactable – she should to clear her doubts, whether she was the reason at all or not, so that all this doesn’t affect her personal life later.
It is sad indeed, but sometimes it’s the best option, especially if you have tried everything in your power to make things work, and they just aren’t working out the way you want them to. It’s better to part ways rather than to live under the same roof, and remain miserable. Very few are able to share their feelings, and if they are men, all the more reason to keep things to themselves as they think what society would say. Women are still able to open up and share their feelings, and there are many support groups online for such divorcees where people in a similar situation are ready to share and help each other.
Oh yes…if we can prevent divorce by making changes in ourselves, nothing like it, and sometimes small things matter to a person that we realize only after we make that change. I wish more people would realize this and give in to each other, rather than create issues that could lead to a state where divorce is the end result.
Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post with your wonderful comment. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
Hi, Harleena Mam,
It is great that you have shared the way to cope up with divorce. Certainly, it gives huge pain. The points that you have made indeed effective. I think these tips are effective in coping with any pain in our life.
Still, I am unmarried so I don’t have the problem coping with. But I will take this article as suggestion.
Thank You for the sharing.
Have great Sunday. 🙂
Glad you liked these ways of coping with divorce, though I’m sure there might be many more that I might not know too 🙂
Yes indeed, these tips can be used for any kind of pain or hurtful relationship. Ah….I guess you are safe then if you aren’t married as yet, but it does help to learn about such things much ahead, though I hope you never have to go through such a phase in your life.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
Divorce can be a shattering experience for anyone. Lets just hope that we don’t have to go through this at all. You are right about not falling in love or starting seeing someone immediately as it will be a reaction rather than something that is coming naturally to you.
I think you are wrong here. Love is not a main thing behind divorce. I agree with you there are some cases like that but… this is not a main reason behind. Here we need to respect each others emotions and try to understand each other.
It sure can and it does break up the person in totality I think. I agree, hope we never have to go through it too.
Yes indeed, we shouldn’t fall in love immediately after a divorce, nor start dating someone because that would be an immediate reaction to what we have gone through and such a relationship often doesn’t last. Instead, we need to give ourself time to heal and get over the divorce before going ahead with a new one, which as you mentioned, should come naturally.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂
I’m glad you started the post by saying divorce is NEVER easy, because I was about to take you up on the title of this article!
I’ve been through a divorce, many years ago, and I was fortunate there were no children involved. I think it’s always devastating and, in many ways, just like a bereavement – in some ways worse because there’s the sense of shame and social stigma that I think’s still attached to it.
My own way of coping was to get immersed in dealing with the practical stuff I had to tackle – which was plenty, because I had huge financial worries, as we’d just taken on a huge mortgage. I found starting the legal process was helpful, too – getting a good solicitor and sound, sympathetic legal advice is crucial.
Talking things through with family and friends is obviously a great help – but, as with a bereavement, there are some things that only time can heal. It was literally years before I could comfortabley tell people I’d been divorced – it just felt like such a shameful failure.
You offer great advice in this post, Harleena – I just hope that not many of your readers ever have need of it.
It was intentional! I hoped people would react such, or would be curious to know what in the world is she writing – just tried out a practical tip from the web traffic experts to write a controversial title, though I think I should’ve done better. 😉
But in fact, if you follow the ways of coping with divorce, it would really help make your life easier than coping with divorce without following those guidelines – at least I hope it does. 🙂
I agree with you there, the social stigma and shame is there and sometimes that’s the reason men in general don’t like to talk about it, though with women it’s a shade easier if they have a support group or friends, as they can talk out things with them.
Oh dear…it must’ve been tough to manage the financial front when you are all alone, where could there be time to really feel it all! Yes indeed, following the legal procedures and seeing the proper guidance is vital.
I agree with you, and no matter how much you talk, such things DO take time to get better. Nor should you really rush through with it. I can understand how it must be feeling , though it’s tough to explain ourselves that it didn’t happen because of us alone so we needn’t be ashamed, but that again comes with time and when you realize things.
I also hope that people don’t need this advice, but if they do, I hope it helps them.
Thanks for stopping by and adding more value to the post. 🙂
Really a very nice post and very informative. Divorce is not a solution, there’s need for both women and men to respect each other emotions and spend more time together. Here you are nice tips.. I really enjoyed 6 one.
Glad you liked this post about coping with divorce. 🙂
I agree with you – it is certainly not a solution, and there is much more than meets the eye. The answer lies in keeping your bond of marriage intact by understanding, loving, and having respect for each other. And if problems arise, sit and resolve them through talks.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂
Have said a lot concerning your blogs and post. i just have to say here that Harleena, you are wonderful.
Ah…well, thank you for your kind words of appreciation and for visiting the blog as well. 🙂
Given so many marriages end in divorce this is great advice. Sadly some that many people need.
I did have a divorce many years ago. I married very young to my childhood sweetheart. We parted after two years. There were no children and we remained friends. Unusual but true.
My husband of 32 years also had a marriage before me. He had three kids and his divorce was not so sweet. It was many many years before he and his first wife could speak civilly to each other. There worst part is the children suffer.
I am blessed now to have had such a long marriage and one that is very happy. We have had our tough times but come through them.
A great post Harleena.
I agree with you there – we keep seeing so many marriages end in divorce nowadays that it’s pretty sad, and I hope this post can help them in more ways than one.
Unusual indeed to remain friends after divorce, or perhaps your reasons were on mutual grounds where both sides are willingly wanting to part ways due to perhaps compatibility issues. I’m glad you had no kids, as then things become a little tough.
Your husband’s divorce seems like the normal ones we see around that aren’t all that sweet. Yes, the children are the ones who suffer the most for no fault of theirs.
I’m glad you are through that phase and have finally found your share of happiness. Ah…the bad times are part and parcel of a happy marriage I think as they bond the relationship better, isn’t it?
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂
You have done a great job in covering divorce. I have been there. For me i was the one that wanted out of the marriage. I did all my crying before the marriage ended. (there was verbal abuse in my case).
When I was emotionally strong enough, I called it quits. There was know looking back. Yes i do believe you are right that divorce is easier for women than men.
Women have more of a support team in there corner. Men keep things to themselves.
It is very important not to jump into a new relationship right away. For me i had to understand why I made the mistake I made it choosing the partner that I chose.
Did not want to make the same mistake twice. It was a time for me to regroup and learn about myself.
Time will spent, because after 3 years I did date again, but didn’t remarry for another 4 years.
Financially it was hard, but my girls and I survived.
What I learned though if you think you want a divorce, you should never take that step unless there are NO tears. If you have to cry about it there maybe some love left for each other and you don’t want to throw that away if it can be saved.
Thanks again for your wisdom. Divorce is something to avoid if possible.
Thank you for your kind words, though having been there you’d be the best person to guide us about it.
I guess it just had to happen in your case – any kind of abuse is totally unacceptable. I’m glad you took this bold decision to walk away from such a marriage, and yes, there should be no regrets and no looking back at all. Perhaps that’s why they say that you should think before taking such a major decision.
It is a little easier for women I think, though not if they have no financial back up but yes, they are able to cope better as compared to men, especially if they have been in an abusive relationship. They are able to share and talk out their feelings, which hels a lot, as compared to men who either keep things to themselves, or feel ashamed of talking about it.
Yes indeed, jumping into a new relationship isn’t right, though with time it does help to find someone you really love, and perhaps get married if you wish to.
I liked the lessons you learnt and I think it all comes down to being very sure IF you really want to go ahead and divorce your partner, which should be the last resort, once you have tried everything and nothings working.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your pearls of wisdom with us. 🙂
Hi Harleena mam.
Well divorce or breakup both are really painful. It is like separating the part of your life. One should be careful about the decision. I rather stay away with the person for quite sometime and realize my mistake then breaking up or giving divorce.
Thanks for the update. Really appreciate your work 🙂
Welcome to the blog Ashi!
They sure are, and as you rightly mentioned – it feels like a part of you is taken away from you. I agree with you that we should try to resolve the issues by talks and taking out the time to communicate with each other, rather than rush into a divorce.
Thanks for stopping by, and glad you like my work too. 🙂
You always write so insightful and useful articles for people, and I’m sure you’re helping a great deal of them.
Well, for having been divorced twice, I thought I add my two cents for your readers here, as well 🙂
When you’re saying that divorce is tough because you’re leaving someone you used to love… so very true, and I want to add that you will still suffer divorcing someone you truly didn’t love that much, as I it was my case. This to say that you will suffer either way, so beware what you’re getting into when you get married. It’s not a game.
If you are not 100% sure that it will be OK, don’t get married. Whether you love or not the person. That’s my tip.
And God forbid if there is children in the picture. Thankfully, I knew right from the get go that my marriages were a mistakes (yes, twice. How dumb do you have to be?) so, I didn’t have children. I am thankful to that up to this day.
Thanks for this very valuable post, Harleena
Thank you so much for your kind words of appreciation, and I do hope they help people in more ways than one because that’s why they are written 🙂
Ah…you’re the perfect person to throw more light on this I’d say.
I agree with you, divorce is tough in both cases, when you love the person you part with and also, as you mentioned, when you don’t love the person as in your case. Oh yes…you need to keep both your eyes wide open when you plan getting married, it surely is NO joke and you should go ahead ONLY when you are very sure about your feelings for the person and are in love with him or her.
Things get tougher if there are kids involved, and I’m glad both your times nothing of the thing happened. I think everything happens for a reason, and I’m happy you are leading a much happier life now.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂
I think divorce is the last option if the marriage cant function properly. Still I am against it. But if there is no solution then divorce will be solution. You added some natural points which women mainly face after divorce & added very good solution. I think every marriage person must read it to gather knowledge.
Absolutely! Firstly, the marital relationship should never come to such a head that it leads to divorce, but even if it does, it should be last resort once you have tried everything in your hands to make things work, and they don’t 🙂
I think these ways of coping with divorce are for both, men and women and I do hope it helps those who are going through this phase in their life.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your views 🙂
As i have commented on your earlier post; divorce is rare in this part of the world, so i don’t really know the feel or seen anybody gone through this stages in life.
In my place, you offend your love, the family of the offender will put some sense in him/her. The only time divorce can come is if the lady commits adultery but outside marriage sex is rare hear as well (but some do it ).
Thanks for the tips and i do hope you have a wonderful week my friend 🙂
Yes, I remember your comment and I really marveled at the fact that divorce isn’t an option at all at your end, which shows that marriage is really valued there. It comes as no surprise then to know that you haven’t seen anyone going through or coping with divorce, which in other countries is just the opposite.
In your place I think the family of the spouse plays a major role in keeping the bond of marriage strong, because as you mentioned they are always there to advice if there are problems in a marriage, which is wonderful indeed. I do wish more families were as close-knit. While we do have that our end too, but some parents of the spouse prefer not to interfere in their child’s marital relationship or problems, and in the US, I think the parents are totally out of it all and that’s where most of such cases are seen too.
Oh yes….I can understand the adultery part and that surely is a reason for divorce, but you mentioned only the lady here, so what about the men? What if they commit adultery? Is that acceptable?
Thanks for stopping and contributing your thoughts. Have a nice weekend as well 🙂
You know that it is hard for a man to get caught and even if they get caught, it wont result in divorce.
I know it’s tough for a man to get caught, but if women can get divorced on this ground, so should the men. Unfair 🙂
When I went through my divorce with my first husband in 2003, the one thing that I regret was not seeking professional help or a counselor. I realize that most people see going to get help as a sign of weakness but divorce is a major life changing event. In my opinion, it is worse than grieving from a death. Divorce is very similar to a death; however, that person is still alive but no longer a part of your life unless you have children.
It is hard to not want to continue spending time with someone that you shared so much with for the amount of time that you were married. With death, most of us know that our loved one has gone to a bigger and better place with no more hurt or pain. With a divorce that person is still here on earth and might occasionally be in and out of your life. Counseling is a great way to help you heal and move on. I ended up doing this years later and it was very freeing because I could look back and focus on the positive and work on fixing my own mistakes, ill feelings, and deal with forgiveness. Thank you for sharing.
Sorry to hear about your divorce, though it was a long time back and perhaps for the better. You raised an important point about seeking proper professional help when you are going through a divorce because it IS an important decision of your life and you need to be guided well enough. Yes indeed, people often take it as a sign of weakness, especially men. However, I’m sure that stage must have come, if it did, once you consulted and were with your family and friends, isn’t it?
Absolutely! The person going through it knows how it really feels, and as you mentioned, it IS just like death and you feel like the world is closing in on you. It’s tough to see the one you love part ways and its tougher still if you have kids who need to be looked after single-handed. You are right – you keep seeing the person off and on, and if you parted ways not on good terms then you live with the fear or bumping into such a person, which would bring back bitter memories.
I’m glad counseling helped you find yourself back again, and you surely have moved on with your life. I wish you all the best on your new journey of self discovery. 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us, which I’m sure are going to help many who are in a similar situation. 🙂
Harleena, having gone through it – thank goodness for my friends. They really helped me to get through as well as my family. It’s important to have people around you that you can trust during a divorce. Keeping busy is key too.
This is a great post for those that are going through a divorce Harleena.
I agree with you there – if family or friends aren’t around, I wonder how one can really cope because this isn’t easy at all. You DO need people around you and all the help from near and dear ones who can help you in coping with divorce. If you are busy, you remain involved and that keeps your mind away from all kind of thoughts, and it does help.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us. 🙂
In most of the cases women are the reason for divorce.
Around 90% of the women are well-educated ones. So it’s very hard for them to adjust with their husbands. Most of the women now earning good money. So their thinking is totally different from that of the men. They believe they can stand on their own feet without others support. First of all they want freedom. They never care about their children’s future life. But you’re exactly on the point. After divorce only they will feel the pain.
My suggestion is women should co-operate with their husbands. They should adjust at least 40% otherwise, divorce is unavoidable one in everybody’s life. Nice Post. In most of the cases, women never like divorce but her parents insisting for divorce, if he doesn’t agree with your view better divorce him, in most cases the girl’s mother only reason for this. But you see the mother of divorced girl always living with her husband. What is this? She follows one set of rules for herself and another set of rules for her daughter. First the girl should understand this aspect and do it accordingly. Most of the girl’s mother acting like politicians now-a-days.
Well, I’m afraid I don’t agree with you when you say that women are the reason for divorce. If you’ve read my previous post on divorce also, you’d know that there are many reasons for divorce where either of the partners can be held responsible for the divorce. Most of the times both the partners are at fault as it takes two to tango. So only women cannot be blamed for the divorce nor can we hold men as innocent.
If you’re aware, many women undergo abuse in a relationship; you can read my post on that topic. No woman or even a man would want to part ways, but there are reasons for their action that forces them to do so. The unending and humiliating abuse force women opt for divorce, and they cannot be blamed for that because in most cases they bear till they can bear no more and then take such a step. Having said that, I agree that if there are no good enough and justified reasons, divorce should never be an option, but then this becomes a subjective matter where every individual decides what’s good for him or her.
I also don’t agree that if women are well-educated then they can’t adjust with their husbands. If you mean to point out at incompatibility issues where the wife is more learned and educated than the husband, then I agree there can be some issues, but again we cannot generalize this as it depends on person to person. Yes, if a woman is educated, she might want to work and contribute to the house, which she should as it helps financially, but that isn’t exactly wanting freedom, which again depends on how things are.
Nowadays, in most families both the husband and wife work to earn for a living and manage their home. More so in the cities. If the woman is earning good money, it doesn’t mean that she will become egoist and want to have her own way – if that happens, it’s bad. Again, there might be individual or exceptional cases where some women might have neglected her children and home just to be career oriented – but we again cannot generalize this.
Talking of freedom, I think every individual needs to have that, irrespective of being a man or woman. It is never implied for a woman to become submissive or a slave after getting married. I think, and ideally as it should be, as you too have pointed out, that both men and women should cooperate and be on equal terms with a marriage and family – the problems start when this delicate balance is disturbed and the basic human rights are violated.
Both men and women need to adjust with each other and most importantly, be willing to compromise – that’s the key to a successful marriage. However, as you pointed out that if there’s external or third party involvement in a marriage, then that might play the spoilsport. Of course, a woman undergoing a bad marriage or abuse in a relationship should always consult her family and friends, including her parents because they are all she has. Also, if any spouse listens to his or her parents and then decides to divorce or not, then it’s wrong because that might be a biased opinion. He or she has to finally decide what he or she wants in her life. Divorce doesn’t occur because one partner does not agree with the view point of the other partner; if it happens solely for this reason, then it is not right.
One thing that I and everyone else will agree to is that there’s pain after divorce in most cases, and divorce should be an option in the rare and extreme cases only.
Thanks for bringing up this wonderful discussion, which I hope helps others too. 🙂
I have no idea how hard it would be to coping with divorce. I can only imagine. But, I believe that I would miss my wife and kids so badly, that I would hardly manage to work or sleep. I would have talked a lot about it, but I am not sure if that would have been the best thing for me or not.
Very interesting topic Harleena, and your tips are great.
Ah…you don’t even need to know I’d say, and I do hope and pray no one ever needs to go through it, leave alone find ways of coping with divorce.
You are right and that’s exactly how people feel when they are so much in love and have to part ways, due to any and many reasons, which again depend from person to person and their marriage problems. That’s absolutely alright, I can understand 🙂
Thanks for stopping by and for your words of appreciation 🙂
There is so much to be dealt with during and after divorce. I know when My husband and I separated it was challenging going through some of the phases and some lasted for longer than expected. This is a great article and will be a valuable resource for many.
Oh yes…there is LOT you have to go through right from the time your marriage is on the rocks, to the divorce, and after that, which is the toughest part I think.
Sorry to hear about your separation, but then that’s how life is, isn’t it? I’m glad that phase is over in your life, though while it was there, it must have been rather tough. Hope these ways of coping with divorce help people in a similar situation.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experiences with us 🙂
Divorce occurring only because of misunderstanding. Sharing one another is the best way to lead the life beautiful. Love each other, true love will never fails.
Hi Nirmal – nice to have you back 🙂
I agree – it does to quite an extent, or if there is abuse in the relationship too, besides other reasons. But yes, if there is mutual love, and deep understanding between both partners, chances are less of a divorce. However, those who have gone through it would know best, as it’s often seen that tables overturn after a few years at times, so unless you keep the flames buring and keep working at your marriage, anything can happen any time.
Thanks for stopping by, and keep coming 🙂
Harleena, I think this post is my new favorite post that you have written. Not that I think divorce is cool, I like the way you handled it.
Hi Malika – nice to see you again 🙂
Ah…thanks so much for saying that, and I’m glad you liked it too. 🙂
Yes, divorce is never easy for anyone and only the ones going through it know how it feels. Perhaps knowing these ways of coping with divorce would help them.
Thanks for stopping by and for your motivational words. Keep coming. 🙂
Excellent post Harleena !
Divorce can be very painful as it will keep haunting the person’s mind forever that they has been divorced by the person whom they loved or can be the happiest moment of the persons life if he/she being tortured regularly and he/she was being thinking to get rid of such partner.
In the first case , a person should think of starting a new life (it can be extremely hard for a women ) and try to forget about the past or engage themselves in some activities that will keep the mind busy .The suggestions that you mentioned in this post for coping with the divorce are so perfect that i can’t add much to it .Thanks for sharing the information .
I’m glad you like the post. 🙂
Yes, that’s true. The result of divorce can be relative; best for those who’re being tortured, and bad for those who were cheated.
Your tips to cope with divorce are right on. Life is essentially a mind game – it always helps if you’re able to control your mind.
Thanks for commenting and sharing your advice. I appreciate it. 🙂
Ah, yes, Divorce. I wish I were not nearly an expert (personal and professional experience).
One thing every soon-to-be-divorced should do- develop at least one new habit. Somewhere new to go, somehting new to do, so that old memories are not aroused when you continue in your old routines.
Hi Roy – good to see you after long 🙂
Your expert advice is very welcome! 🙂 This is in fact what we need on this post, and it’s a wonderful advice you give to others on the basis of your personal and professional experiences.
“Develop at least one new habit,” is a great personal attribute to incorporate in your personality. Not only would it help in the post-divorce scenario, but also help you in your personal development campaign.
I agree it’s good to lay the old memories to rest, and change your ways so they won’t ever get activated.
Thanks for your visit and for sharing your wisdom.:)
I’ve only seen the affect divorce had on my father and my husband and thankfully it was a positive affect.
Both of them had to become the leader of their family and provide financial support. My father in turn was a great provider and my husband is a wonderful provider as well.
Your post made me realize how lucky I am that I have not had to deal with this situation and reminds me to pray for those who are.
Hope you’re having a wonderful day!
It’s good to know that your father and husband could positively handle their divorce, which is so crucial to have a happy post-divorce life.
It’s great that both of them could easily and nicely adjust to their change in roles and lives. Men as it is generally are the providers in almost all societies, so that shouldn’t be difficult for them.
I’m glad that you weren’t affected by divorce either a child or as an adult. Children do suffer the worst from their parent’s divorce, and many carry the impact all through their lives. Yes, indeed those who don’t have had to deal with such situations are the lucky ones.
Wish you always have a happy family. Thanks for contributing personal accounts and your views. I appreciate it. 🙂
I have a friend who went through a divorce a few years ago and is still struggling. I am going to send her this link.
It seems to me that she didn’t do this right when the divorce happened. Maybe she can go back and get a re-do on some of these steps. I hope.
Awesome article. Very frank, but compassionate.
Welcome to the blog Karen!
Thank you for doing that and I hope this post helps her in coping with divorce. I agree, sometimes it’s better to re-do a few things that might bring you more happiness and peace of mind.
Thanks for stopping by, and for your words of appreciation. 🙂