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Don’t get me wrong – neither is divorce easy for anyone, nor is coping with divorce.
Still, not many people, who decide to split ways through divorce have an idea about how to cope with divorce and what lies in store for them.
Going through a divorce is not just a sad break-up that happens after a failed marriage.
In fact, undergoing the process of divorce and the state after divorce could be a more traumatic experience for some people.
This could happen to any man and woman, though that largely depends on the conditions that led to divorce.
And if there are any issues out of the wedlock, then the child is the third casualty in the destruction of marriage.
You all know how difficult it becomes for some kids to face the divorce of their parents. Not to mention the amount they suffer, which I shall cover in a later post.
I know there can be exceptions where the case is contrary to my assumption, but talking in general, coping with divorce might not be an easy affair.
In my previous post on divorce I talked about the plausible reasons for divorce and when should one think of obtaining a divorce.
But first there was this question that I asked – should you really get divorced?
The conclusion was that even if you’re going through a bad marriage, you should try your best to reconcile, as you never know things and people might drastically change for better with time.
Some people simply find a few unreasonable and selfish reasons, or some silly and unjustified excuses to divorce, and that’s not the right way.
However, if there’s abuse in the relationship or serious incompatibility, then depending on various other factors like the nature and degree of abuse, divorce is the only way out.
Some of my friends and family members have undergone divorce, but I’m glad they are through it and living a much happier life now. Some have even remarried and have kids – so life doesn’t end there. 🙂
But one should be prepared for a more challenging life after a divorce and a painful one initially. Yes, after a while things do get better for those who were in a bad marriage.
Why is Divorce Painful
Breakup of a marriage and the ensuing divorce can trigger unpleasant and painful feelings.
That’s bound to happen because you are breaking away from someone you once loved, or had been with the person for some time.
But what do you do when things don’t just work out, and you have to part ways?
You need to heal your scars and wounds with the help of your friends and relatives or other near and dear ones. If that’s not possible, then you need to learn to self-heal and cope with the divorce.
But first let’s understand why any person undergoes such a traumatic experience after a divorce, even if the marriage was a failure.
Some of the reasons are as follows:
- Feeling of shame
- Sense of failure
- Loss of companionship and support
- Shattering of dreams and hopes
- Haunting memories of good times
- Reminders of past commitments
And much more.
You might also feel that you’ve been used or misused, and that your partner played with your emotions.
There could be heightened stress due to the failed marriage and romance, and increased anxiety of uncertainty about the future.
After a divorce, your whole life is disrupted including your family, relationship, routine, and plans. This hurts a lot! Your life suddenly changes and it feels like your world has ended.
The scariest thing is that you sort of lose your own identity, and you’re thrown out into the wild that makes you feel you are no one and all alone.
Going through divorce is almost like bereavement for many people.
You’re filled with grief and deep sadness – similar to what you experience when there’s a loss of a loved one, and that might even lead to depression.
But don’t lose hope as there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. Going through a divorce is not easy but it’s not impossible either.
The process of getting through divorce may take time, and during that time you need to develop the personal qualities of patience, perseverance, and positivity.
Ways of Coping with Divorce
According to a recent research , though women suffer more financially in a divorce as compared to men, they are able to cope with divorce in a much better way.
I don’t know how many of you agree with that, so I guess you need to read it to assess it yourself.
But it is a fact that the way men and women react and adapt to events and changes in their lives are somewhat different.
In this post I’ll discuss about how both men and women handle divorce in general.
Remember that separation or divorce largely impacts your emotional and mental aspect. You become weak and unstable emotionally, and your thoughts and attitude turn negative.
And this is very normal and a natural thing to happen.
Knowing your condition or state, you may follow some or all of these guidelines to cope with divorce and make your life easy.
1. Share and Talk
First and foremost – don’t undergo this ordeal of separation and divorce all alone. Share your feelings, thoughts, and problems with your family, friends, and those whom you trust.
If you don’t have such help, then join any support group or build a strong support network.
There’s nothing better than such a network to share and talk your feelings out. More so, if you have people who are going through divorce, it becomes easier to relate things.
Women seem to be better at it than men, who too need to realize that they also have similar emotional needs.
Nevertheless, I’d suggest seeking professional help and meeting a counselor or a psychiatrist, as that’s always better. But this is only if you don’t have other support.
2. Grieve and Emote
Don’t block your emotional and mental channels by repressing your feelings and thoughts. If you do that then they might turn sour or negative and adversely impact yourself from coping with divorce.
Too much of negativity within could either make you unnecessarily negative or depressive. This is why grieving is a part of the healing process, so don’t stop that from happening.
As these feelings and thoughts enter your mind, you should identify and acknowledge them, experience them, and then let them go.
Expressing and releasing your feelings will help you lighten up and heal yourself.
3. Accept and Adapt
You’ve to accept the situation you’re in and embrace the change you’re going through.
You’ve no other choice but to accept and adapt to change, or else you’ll make your life miserable.
Obviously this is not easy. Your entire world might change, and you unwillingly land up out of your comfort zone, which is something no one wants.
This is the hardest part of coping with divorce.
You may try to continue with your previous routine and get back to your comfort zone, but don’t get frustrated if you can’t. Take it that life demands a change, and just accept it.
4. Anger and Avoidance
You might experience a mixture of conflicting feelings like anger and resentment towards your ex, as well as sadness and confusion with your own post-divorce status.
You need to develop your inner strength and power and don’t let the negative emotions get the better of you.
Try to keep cool and control yourself by reminding yourself that this is merely a passing phase.
I know it’s easier said than done, but that’s one of the best ways of coping with divorce.
Avoid resorting to any negative measures to resolve the issue, including violence, substance abuse, and other addictions because they only harm you in the long run.
This also includes excessive emotional eating, which could be disastrous and an obstacle in getting through a divorce.
Avoid all sorts of self-destructive mechanisms, and you need to work hard on this aspect.
5. Take a break and Deny denial
To remain upbeat and to upkeep your mental health, you should take a long break after your divorce to divert your mind from any heart breaking issues.
Stop whatever you’re doing and try to go on a vacation with your family or friends.
Just don’t go into denial and close the doors on starting a new life. Don’t deny your right to your share of happiness in life.
Your low feelings and phase might affect your work and you might not be that productive. You need to rise up and get back to your normal self.
6. Move on and Self-motivate
Don’t stay in stagnant waters as life will become stingy and tough to live by. Move on, as you deserve to take your life in your hands and make something good out of it.
I’d suggest taking life as it comes, and take your situation as a challenge and an opportunity to better yourself.
Believe that you’re worth it and you’ve got all that it takes to achieve success.
Your happiness does not end with your marriage.
You need to develop a lifestyle that encourages feelings of self-worth and wellness. Only when you feel good about yourself will you be able to handle the pressures and problems of life.
7. Socialize and De-stress
Mix around with people, meet friends, or make new ones.
While it might help to make friends online and on social networking sites, but you also need to get real and find friends in real life.
Surround yourself with positive people, and join clubs or hobby groups where you may find like-minded people who help you feel good about yourself.
It is essential to discover and learn positive ways to relax and de-stress in order to cope with divorce.
8. Optimistic and Open
Start afresh with all renewed hopes. Count your blessings and make a list of things you’re good at, and accordingly make your future plans.
It’s true that sometimes things don’t always work as per what you plan, nor can you be perfect and do everything always.
So, accept that, and remember that part of being open and optimistic is also realizing your own shortcomings and improving them.
Also, don’t neglect self care. You need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally too.
You could start with your walks and exercises, and ensure you get proper food and rest, and so on.
9. Redefine and Expand
This is the time for self-exploration and to connect with you – yourself, especially for women who’ve been simple housewives or men who’ve never been at the helm of home affairs.
You need to overcome your fear of isolation and tap your potential to bring out your inherent abilities and skills. You need to boost your self-esteem.
You, your activities, and your world will change after divorce.
You would need to be multi-faceted and do things that you never thoughts of doing earlier, or never really got involved in doing as a spouse because you depended on each other.
Divorced mothers would need to manage the outdoor tasks that they counted on their husbands to take care of.
Divorced fathers, if they retain custody of children, might need to learn how to raise a child or children, and manage the house.
Both divorced men and women may need to redefine themselves.
It’s true that because of divorce they might end up learning many new things, but it could be quite overwhelming if they’re not prepared.
I’d like you to watch this video that would show you more ways to cope with divorce.
Beyond Divorce – Surviving divorce after your break up ~ YouTube video
Words of Advice
Don’t make the mistake of immediately falling in love with someone else during the divorce process or immediately after a breakup. Such haste can complicate matters and create more problems.
You might be tempted to take this step as this is the time that you’re at your weakest and lowest levels, and you might feel that you desperately need such a support.
If you’re a woman who’s going through divorce, you need to get out of the emotional bandwagon and get back on track.
Many dependent women get so overwhelmed with emotions during and after the divorce that they tend to ignore the financial aspect of divorce, which could help them start their life from scratch after the divorce.
Do you have the funds to cope with divorce, or how will you manage going through a divorce – are questions you need to ask yourself.
Mothers, who’re left with the custody of their children, are now laden with an additional responsibility to raise them single-handedly.
As mothers, you need to put up a brave face in front of your children no matter how you feel inside.
Remember, you have to play both the roles now, that of a mother and a father to your children.
You all know that an empty mind is a devil’s workshop – so remain busy when you’re going through divorce, or even after you’ve been divorced. It helps to keep the mind away!
Don’t let this incident in your life leave a scar and fear in your heart and mind, which might stop you in going ahead with future relationship or even re-marriage.
Not all relationships end in the same way, and not everyone is as bad or incompatible. 🙂
You’ll have a bright and happy life if you spend the crucial time coping with divorce in the best possible ways, just as mentioned in this post.
Life starts when you think it starts – it is always in YOUR mind, so think positive, always. 🙂
Over to You –
Did you or someone you know undergo divorce? How did you or they cope with it? Do you think there are more ways of coping with divorce? Share your experiences in the comments to help others pass through this phase of life.
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